the me is bored. open. This is an awful lineup; a main event which is good, but will I last long enough to get there? Maybe. They've added more Angle shots to this, I think.

Please welcome Simon Dean, who tells us what his name is. "I had a vision, and a wise man told me" and he loses me right there. He says his team is going to be the next tag team champions. "These two men are the first two member of the Church of Simonology!"

Gymini (580 pounds, w/Simon Dean and his whistle) vs Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki (403 pounds) - Do they have names? Are they I and II? A and B? Josh isn't sure who's the favorite, and then says the Gymini are faster and stronger than the other team. Romero: "Do you think I look in the mirror in the morning and go 'I have to impress Josh Mathews?'" You should. Josh: "I'm a member of a lot of things. I like to knit, I'm a member of a group called the Knitwits." Your ref is the blond guy who still has no name. Of course, this is the match for him. Being on the Simon System makes you three more times dangerous than anyone on the roster. I don't think MNM would really watch Velocity, Josh. That doesn't seem to be Johnny Nitro's thing. Romeo: "Gymini listens to everything that Simon Dean does." You're not missing a special match that I'm not calling. Funaki gets the hot tag and hits all the Funaki spots, except not yet the bulldog. Romero: "Maybe that's what we ought to call them 'This Gymini' and 'That Gymini'." Rising Sun works as well as it normally does, and there's the Cross Trainer. Scotty's dead from a clothesline, so that's that. (6:20)

Tatanka (Pembroke, NC, 258 pounds) vs Jakeus Bliskem (already in the ring, 225 pounds) - Why. Why. Why. Your ref is Charles Robinson. Someone told Romero about Tatanka's two year undefeated streak. Now make him watch the matches with Luger! Circle. Lockup, Jakeus with a headlock, shot off, bad Tatanka armdrag to start us off. Better hiptoss. Chop. Chop. Turnbuckle smash. Kick. Kick. Kick. Chop. Corner whip, kick on the rebound, hanging suplex. Armbar. Twist. Twist. Right. Right. Right. Jake is whipped down to the mat, legdrop on the arm. Armbar. Holding it in. Twist. Fireman's carry, armbar still on. So slow and boring. Jake easily walks Tatanka back first into the corner. Break orders, but Jake gets in a cheap punch. Chop. Knee. Right. Corner whip, Jake with a jumping forearm. Choke, pulled off, back to the choke, pulled off, back to the choke, pulled off an argument. Fans are booing. Tatanka stumbles out of the corner, and Jake clotheslines him. Neck vice. Crowd is dead. Tatanka shaking to rally the crowd, strikes to get free. Off the ropes, Jake misses a clothesline, Tatanka does not. Jake runs into a backdrop. Tatanka doing the war (Josh: "Native American") dance, chop. Again with the dance and the chop. Off the ropes, clothesline. There's a pause between each and every move. Josh: "Trails End!" One two three. (4:58)

They wouldn't directly say what Orton said during the match, but it's the focus of the PPV promo.  

Bobby Lashley (Colorado Springs, CO, 273 pounds) vs James Dick (215 pounds) - Josh reminds us that he picked Lashley to win the Rumble. Way to be wrong! James is serious! Seriously ripping off his gimmick clothes on the way to the ring - why did he even bother putting them on, then? Chad did the same, and I don't know why either. Your ref is Chris Kay. Circle. Lockup, Lashley throws James in the corner. Lockup, James with a kick to the leg, kick is caught the second time and he's thrown down. Whip, backdrop. Lashley off the ropes, James grabs his leg (a bit late), and then stares at himself in his hand mirror instead of realizing Lashley will be coming out for him. Chad turns around right into a clothesline. James tries a pescado, but Lashley catches and slams him on the floor. James thrown back in, Lashley easily backdrops him. Hanging suplex. Lashley just waiting for James to get up. Spear. Lashley walking around the ring, signaling it's over. Dominator, one two three. (1:55)

Undertaker vs Mark Henry - why did Teddy Long screw over Angle and Undertaker like that? (1:56)

Kid Kash (200 pounds) vs - a graphic!
SmackDown!: Gregory Helms vs Kid Kash [CW]
Oh, and now he's going to talk. Kid yells at the fans for not yelling for him. Catchphrase, check. Apparently, we're supposed to cheer him but not look at him.

Kid Kash vs Psicosis (202 pounds) - they do not introduce him from Tijuana, which is sad. No Super Crazy. Kash wants to attack Psi before he gets to the ring, but Korderas doesn't let him. Psi is wearing an EG headband and an armbar - they actually acknowledge it this week. Kash and Psicosis shove. Lockup, Kash with a waistlock, takedown, hammerlock, Psi looks for a way out, back elbow, back elbow, jumping snap mare. Both run at each other and duck (oops), Psi off the ropes, into a Kash armdrag, armbar. Talking trash. Back up to their feet, Psi whips Kash way, Kash over, into a Psi armdrag, another armdrags, armbar by Psi, and he swats Kash in the head a few times. Kash gets the middle rope, and Psi takes a few counts to let go. Kash shoves Psi, Psi slaps him in the face. Kash checks his face, and comes back with a kick and a chop. Forearm to the back. Whip, quick reversal by Psi into a headlock, Kash shoots him off, Psi over, into a tilt-a-whirl but lands on his feet, but Kash hits him away. Kash off the reaps, cross body, Psi catches it and swings him out into a sorta Falcon Arrow. Psi with a delayed cover, one two no. Corner whip, Psi charges in and lands a clothesline. Yell, charge again, and this time Kash throws him into the post. Kash stomps. Armbar, kicks to the chest, forearms to the back. Kash wipes Psi's face into the mat, and pounds him on the back of the head. Kash kicks Psi around the ring. Down to the mat, armbar with a knee on the joint. Stomp. Romero gets left and right confused. It's the left that Kash is working on. Kicks to the shoulder. Hammerlock, and Psi's run into the corner shoulder first. Snap mare, standing armbar on the shoulder. Why does Kash have ying yangs on his tights? Kicks to the chest. Psi tries to fight back and gets more kicks. Hammerlock shoulder breaker over Kash's knee, I guess. One two no. Still working on the shoulder. Standard shoulderbreaker, one two no. They really needed Psi to get a mini flurry somewhere in here, because it seems like Kash has been in control for five years with no real chance at winning  at this point. Kick to the spine, kick to the chest, one two no. Psi punches his way up while Kash kicks him, and the punches work. Whip, quick reverse, Psi ducks the clothesline and lands his own. Another. Wheel kick connects. Psi's fired up. Going up. Top rope wheel kick works! Cover him! One two th-NO. Crowd thought that was three and are booing a bit. Chop by Psi. Corner whip, reveres, Psi kip up and out and Kash hits the corner. Psi checking his shoulder, and walks randomly into a side back breaker by Kash. One two no. Kash is saying this is it. Suplex, Psi slips out to his feet, reverse neckbreaker one two NO. Psi says he's going up - corkscrew senton (?) misses, Kash rolling out of the way. Kash with the brainbuster one two three. (7:16) I don't think I like Kid Kash much.

That's it.