my lights are off!

open - that Batista clip's gotta go, where did the Boogyeman one come from (oh, right, Juvi), there's another one that needs to go,

Mr. Kennedy is out to perform a job once done by Candice Michelle. Just saying. Why does he have an extra suit? Why is he beboping to his own music? I have no problem with that part. I don't know why Chimel bothers - it's all going to end in tears. What's the point of drying cleaning something if you're just going to drag it around the ring, Ken? Sometimes, I don't understand you. Tony Chimel is used as a hanger. Hey, the microphone just happens to be there. "Yea, that right, ladies and gentlemen I give to you, not only the man who is single handily changing Friday nights, but also, the man, who will very shortly be changing the way that all of you nincompoops dress! And that's MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY! [waiting - waiting - waiting] KENNEDY! [Lights back up - Tony's still holding up the dry cleaning] Tony Chimel. Now, normally, I'd never e-e-e-ver do something like this [what, steal from Jericho?] but I brought you a gift, because that's just the type of guy that I am. So, open it up, nincompoop. Yea, open it up. C'mon, we don't have all day. C'mon, times are wasting. Hold it up for everyone one to see - hold it up! HOLD IT UP!" It's a Ken Kennedy t-shirt. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - Kennedy Merch! Buy it!" Kennedy berates Chimel into putting on his shirt - hey, it fits. I was worried, Chimel is a large man under the suit. Kennedy's reading the shirt for the blind. Is that all" Romero: "I guess it looks okay." Way to sell it! Josh: "And it comes in moomoo size if it fits Tony Chimel!" Is Ken going to join the announcers are just wander around? Josh really blows thru his whole assortment of Tony Chimel jokes here. What, and a match to?

Scotty 2 Hotty (Westbrook, ME, 208 pounds) vs Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 202 pounds) - Josh: "This has been the most chaotic week in the history of the WWE." Why can't they ever just say "one of the most?" Scotty is weirded out by Chimel's shirt. Or his gut, who can say. Your ref is Magically Appearing Chris Kay. Where did Kennedy go? I think he's still walking around ringside. Lockup, Noble knee to the got, forearm to the back, knee to the head. Turnbuckle smash - no, Scotty stops it and works over Jamie with punches. Corner whip, reversed, Noble charges into a boot. Scotty charges out, and Jamie gets in a leg lariat at the last moment. One two no. Jamie pulls Scotty in the corner and pounds him down with forearms. Jamie is very unhappy with Chris getting in his way. Scotty eventually pulled out to the middle of the ring, quick legdrop, one two no. Scotty with right hands, Jamie with a knee, Scotty back with a big right. Jamie gets in more forearms. Slam, with a bit extra rotation. Corner whip, Jamie charges in, Scotty moves, and Jamie eats corner. There's two handed bulldog. Both guys are down? Uh, Scotty, that's when you do your move. Now Scotty realizes it. This taking far too long, and actually you can here some boos. W O R M woo woo woo who who who hey, Jamie rolled out of the ring? That's a bad sign for Scotty. Scotty gets him with a sliding dropkick anyway. Jamie thrown back in, Scotty on the apron, shoulder to the gut, slingshots sunset flip one two no. Jamie misses a right, Scotty does not miss a forearm. Whip, backdrop. Scotty tries a monkey flip, but shoved off. Jamie kills him with a dropkick to the face. Trying for the Tiger Bomb, but Scotty backdrops free. Scotty waiting for Jamie to get up - superkick is rolled out under, and Jamie grabs him - Samoan Gutbuster Drop, Dragon Sleeper, call it. (3:41) Raise his arm! Why was Kennedy here? He's not anymore.  

I'm sensing a pattern, as Simon Dean (w/Dean Machine) is out to not-wrestle. The Simon Dean music is extra catch this week to me for some reason. I will not transcribe Simon's speech, because he paused to react to the boos before they actually started, and it ruined the whole thing for me. Suspension of disbelief, GONE.  

Gymini (names, weights, hometown all a mystery) vs Billy Baxter & John Trouski (already in the ring) - Simon is the only one who cares. They keep saying "this is proof the Simon System really works!" but I need some Before pictures. Hey, here's a question: do they have names? Tony's still wearing the shirt, but he's not doing any more introducing here. Simon tells them to start the workout, and they still haven't gotten names so who cares. Your ref is Jimmy Jam. Josh and Romero appear not to know the names of the people here, which is great work on detail. Trouski is getting beat, and then Baxter is getting beat, assuming the announcers actually know. Simon is directing traffic on the outside - he's calling for the finish, which is a double straight jacket slam. (1:45) I guess. I rely on WWE types to tell me names of people and finishers and obviously I'm a complete moron for expecting such a thing to go on. Josh: "Simon Dean told me the name of that move is the Cross Trainer" - okay, he's off my Must Kill list. FOR NOW. Double crucifix powerbomb for the other guy. Seeing Simon Dean posing with two other guys makes me really miss Stevie.

WWE Rewind: when horrible ideas collide, a worse idea is created. WHY they needed to show us that, I dunno.

Paul Burchill (England, 245 pounds, w/William Regal, a sharp dressed man) vs Nick Berg (Philadelphia, PA, 213 pounds, already in the ring) - shot to established Chimel is still wearing the shirt, check. It's probably not Berg but that's not as fun. NICK BERG. NICK BERG. NICK BERG. Lockup, Paul with a fast armdrag. Circle. Lockup, hiptoss. Scoop, slam. Nick manages a headlock. Your ref is Charles. Whip, Burchill's drop down looks like a drop toe hold but Nick goes over, under Paul's leapfrog, Paul's hiptoss is blocked, Nick's hiptoss is not, and Nick gets an armdrag more. Dropkick! Paul needs to go out to rethink this. This is currently the highlight of Nick's life. Okay, Paul back in, lockup, knee to Nick's stomach, axhandle to his back. Picking him up, running him in the corner. Right. Shoulder to the midsection. Armbar, corner whip, down goes Nick. Neck vice, knee to the midsection, knee to the back. Nick stood back up. Whip, clothesline missed, Nick runs into a powerslam anyway. Paul pointing up, which greatly concerns Regal. Turns out we were all fooled and it was just a running kneedrop. One two no - did he kickout or did Paul help him? Suplex. Knee to the head. Whip, back elbow. Hey, Burchill, want to fix your wrist tape? Nick fighting his way up with punches, but Paul eye rakes him. He should've used the tape to choke! Stomping Nick by the ropes, but nothing going on. Turnbuckle smash. Corner whip, Paul charges into a back elbow. Nick out, and gets dropped by Burchill. Whip, head down too soon, Nick with a small package, one two no. Burchill runs over Nick, yells at him to get up, clotheslines him, yells at him to get up, and clotheslines him again. Backed into the corner and worked over with punches. Burchill backing up and pointing again - there's the C4. One two three. (4:08) Hey, someone informed him that was a finisher this week. FIX YOUR WRIST TAPE. I hope Regal tears him a new one for not using it an unethical manner. I can't imagine he'd ever endorse a partner of his passing up an opportunity to cheat. 

Your new World Champion is - totally built as a face in this video package. (2:49) 

the Dicks (430 pounds) vs Mexicools (412 pounds) - still wearing the shirt. We're told Angle for sure will be on RAW. We don't get to see the video, but the Oval Entrance bit has removed Juvi. Are we allowed to notice Psicosis' EG bandana? His dreads are getting long, but really I'm in no place to talk. I can not wait tell the SmackDown! in Mexico tour next week. Your ref is Chris Kay. Super Crazy and Chad to start. "EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE!" Lockup, Chad with a waistlock, Super Crazy with a waistlock rollup one two Chad reveres one two no. Chad charges, Crazy with a waistlock throw, on him with a front facelock, Chad tries to spin free but Crazy's holding on. Chad escapes to an armbar, wristlock, Crazy with a single leg, grabs the legs and rolls over into tying them up with a leg wedge-in. You know, I'm not a professional, but I can diagnose this as a Wacky Lucha Submission. Chad hurries to the ropes, and Crazy takes his time letting go. Chad charges with a clothesline, Crazy ducks, armdrag, armdrag, armbar, twist, "PSICOSIS!" and he's in deeded tagged into the axhandle the arm. Whip, dropkick. Psi sets him up, and starts to head up - top rope nothing meets fist. Ooops. Chad puts on armbar and tags James, but Psi spins around and whips Chad into James! Whip for James, Full nelson by Psi, whip again, hiptoss. Tag to Crazy. James wants free, but the Mexicools have him - double rolling legbar! Chad in, Chad takes a double pump powerbomb! I love that move. Moonsault/legdrop add to take Chad out for the time being. Psi leaves, and Crazy goes after James. Backdropped to the apron, but he gets in a shoulder the gut. Top rope plancha! Dropkick, Crazy rolls to his feet, another dropkick. Josh: "If the Dicks had a brother named Richard, would his name be Dick Dick?" Goose! Crazy with a corner whip, yell (crowd yells after him), charge, James moves out of the way with some help from Chad and Crazy spears the post. Psicosis argues as the Dicks make a switch. Chad with a HORRIBLE shoulderbreaker. One two no. Tag to James. There's Samoan Powerbomb one two NO Psi breaks it up. Wheel kick for Chad , wheel kick for James. Back on Chad. Whip, reversed, and James backdrops him to the floor. Big clothesline for Crazy. Dicks setting up for the Veg-a-matic and I've never been happier to see Road Warrior Animal, because he just showed up to shove Chad off the top rope. Chris is busy with Psicsois and missing the fun. James confronts Animal and gets punched, stumbling into a Crazy running Tornado DDT! Cover him! One two THREE. (4:12) Mexicools are trying to figure this out - and then invite Animal in the ring? Animal for Juvi? That's odd. NO! ANIMAL CLOTHESLINES SUPER CRAZY! Whip, powerslam for Psicosis! Big elbow drop! What the heck! "LOD!" Romero: "Maybe he just wanted some airtime?" What the heck? I can't be too mad at him, because we nearly had a horrendous miscarriage of justice (the Dicks weren't just out of the Mexicool's league, they were 10,000 leagues outs of the Mexicools league), but that doesn't make any sense at all.

And that's it. Join us next week for the exciting conclussion of Ken Kennedy's T-Shirt.