pre Velocity: Haha, the kangaroo is killing the mascot. It is a stupid looking outfit. LEFT CROSS! DOWN HE GOES. The announcer is shocked that the costume saved his life, as if all that padding wasn't obvious. The costume surely ticked off the kangaroo in the first place.
TV PG V CC ENTERTAINMENT OPEN
WWE Tag Team Champions M & N (Los Angeles, CA, 430 pounds, w/M) vs Stevie Lee & Jason Bates (465 pounds, already in the ring) - I am shocked they actually show the guys in the ring, because it means they don't have Melina on the screen for a moment. The blond flare looks really bad. Your announcers are Steve and Josh. Josh is doing the "how can you have a rational thought when there's a smokin' hot chick in the area?" speech to Steve. Your ref is Jimmy. After we switch back to voiceovers, Josh congratulates Steve on his engagement. "What's his name? [phony laugh]." Nitro and Stevie (I think) to start. Lockup, Nitro with a knee to the midsection and an axhandle to the back. Right. Corner whip, down goes Stevie. Pause to look at Melina, charge, and no one's home. Stevie with a hiptoss, dropkick, tag to Jason Bates. Bates adds a punch, and they pull off a double team suplex. Bates quickly off the ropes, dropping the leg, cover for ZERO, real nice there Nitro. Bates gets in an armbar, but Nitro uses a blatant hairpull to get to the corner. Nitro pretends to pretend he's giving a clean break before the super obvious back elbow. Blind leading the blind situation - Romero: "Do you think Jason Bates is related to Norman Bates?" "Who's Norman Bates?" Stomps. Bates gets rammed into Mercury's waiting boot. Mercury tag in, short clothesline. Standing over the top punches, reverse neckbreaker. One two no. Tag to Nitro, both guys get in punches on Bates. Nitro covers, one, kickout, ha. Nitro on top of Bates and punching. Paying no mind to closed fist warnings. Nitro spazzes out, unless that's supposed to be a dance move, and lands a sorta spinning, sorta hand standing legdrop. Tag to Mercury. Double stomp down. Choke over the ropes. Melina gets in her slap. Mercury with a snap mare, neck vice. Bates slow up, elbows stopped by a knee. Romero: "Do you know what day today is?" Josh: "Of course, Armed Forces Day." And it really is. Josh is m-amazing; except it turns into a prepared speech so you can't buy he's randomlly dropping the knowledge. Mercury with a whip, reversed, and Bates gives him a spinning backbreaker. Race to tag, tag to Nitro, no tag because Nitro has him, wait Nitro doesn't have a hold of him, there's the tag. Stevie right hands, whip, backdrop. Whip, clothesline misses, Nitro lands the superkick. Running back elbow takes Bates off the apron. Nitro calls for the snapshot, and then tags in Mercury. Lifted up, and there it is. Mercury covers one two three. (4:38)
Tonight: Shannon Moore vs Chavo Guerrero
What is Eddie thinking? (1:34)
Judgment Day: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio
Judgment Day: Big Show vs Carlito
Judgment Day: Paul London vs Chavo Guerrero [CW]
Judgment Day: Charlie Haas and Hardcore Holly vs MNM [WWE TAG]
Judgment Day: Orlando Jordan vs Heidenreich [US]
Judgment Day: Kurt Angle vs Booker T
Judgment Day: John Cena vs JBL [WWE, I QUIT]
WWE Rewind: Kurt Angle is banned from the building and ordered to apologize.
Kurt's apology, sorta (5:02)
Judgment Day: Kurt Angle vs Booker T
Backstage, Nunzio is - singing to himself? - refining his walking stereotype abilities? "When the moon hits my eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!" Oh, it's Funaki to interrupt - this is another one of those segments.
Nunzio: Hey Paisan, how are you doing? [slap - ouch] You ready for our match
Funaki: Yes, but before we team up, I have lesson.
Nunzio: What the hell is a reason?
Funaki: No. Lesson.
Nunzio: You got a lesson for me?
Funaki: Yes, you always teaching me Italian
Nunzio: Pretty nicely, huh? [pats self on back]
Funaki: tonight, I teach you - Japanese
Nunzio: You're going teach me Japanese?
Nunzio: Paisan, I'm already a step ahead of you - I already know Japanese! You wanna know? Listen up - 'let me get the #28 with a side order of wonton soup and pbbbt - a bobo platter, huh? You know a flame with the gimmicks around it, they're good, they're good.
Funaki: You think Japanese?
Nunzio: Chinese, same thing.
Funaki: Try this: [speaks Japanese, looks up, looks down]
Nunzio: You saying something about my shoes?
Funaki: No. [repeats the same bit in Japanese]
Nunzio: [tries speaking Japanese, ends up saying 'gee gee, throw the the dough' before giving up]
Funaki: [laughing] Maybe next time. Maybe you speak Italian-
Nunzio: Well take it - forget about all that, that's not important, you teaching me Japanese, when the hell would I need to know Japanese?, why the hell would I need to know Japanese? Forget about all this - you just better have your head on straight tonight and be ready for this match tonight. Let's go! [walks off]
Funaki: Nunzio! I got it - forgetaboutit.
Stanley Slam Of The Week: Heidenreich beats OJ to randomlly set up the match.
Nunzio and Funaki (355 pounds) vs Spike Dudley vs Akio (340 pounds) - Nunzio yells at Funaki for being too hyper, but Funaki's just being Funaki. Hey, Chris Kay. Whoa, did Akio see Orton's knew hair cut and decide he had to top the close shave? Circle. "ECW" chant, as we start with Nunzio and Spike. This month, they can acknowledge that chant. Into the corner, clean break by Nunzio. Lockup, no Spike goes behind, headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Spike poses, off the ropes, elbow drop misses, Nunzio up scoop into a slam, and falling down on top one no, armdrag, armbar. Nunzio with a whip, head down too soon, Spike throws Nunzio by the back of his head. Tag to Akio, in the blue pajamas. Stomping Nunzio. Chop. Kick. Kidney punches. Whip, slide under (sorta), Nunzio slides to a stop, Akio off the ropes, diving and rolling over the dropdown, missing on a clothesline and getting pulled into a crucifix rollup one two no. Akio with a big right, Nunzio ducks him and drops him with a back suplex one two no. Romero: "sidewalk slam", uh Josh? Nunzio with a front facelock, double whip, double back elbow, handshake double elbow drop. Funaki is thrilled to be Funaki. Right. Josh lets us in on some Hollywood gossip: Akio plays Ali in Ali II. Whip, reversed, Funaki blocks the hiptoss, hits one of his own, and armdrag to boot. Armbar. Crank. Romero tries to be smart, fails, then tries the "don't Asian's pronounce L's wrong" and Josh can't believe someone would make such a joke. Akio with strikes. Whip, Funaki grabs the ropes, Akio charges into a kick, Spike charges into a boot, Akio finally lands the wheel kick. Akio goes out, Funaki goes down, Akio comes back, covers, has to get out of the ropes to get the count, one two no. Funaki thrown out, Akio distracts, and Spike drops Funaki on the barricade. Back in, one two no. Tag to Spike. Akio holds Funaki's midsection open for a right. Spike with a right, Funaki fighting back with right hands. Whip, Slam, no, Funaki slips behind, Spike kick caught and spin around, Funaki kick caught enziguri ducked (!) and Spike puts him in an STF! Funaki reaching but a long way away. Trying to rally - and Spike stops him with a forearm. Tag to Akio, Akio with the X-Pac corner kick combo. Akio does his hopping while Spike chokes Funaki - Josh explains that's his Ali Dance. "ARI!" "Ali. It's Ali 2: Revenge of Mohammad" Snap mare, chinlock. Funaki elbowing out, Akio stops him with a forearm, then lands a wacky spin kick to the back of the head. Spinning enziguri? One two kickout. Whip, Funaki ducks under the jumping spin kick, Funaki whips Akio and backdrops him. Paul London to commentate later! Tag to Spike, tag to Nunzio. Nunzio with a clothesline, clothesline, that's a swinging sidewalk slam but no one's calling it. Nunzio yelling, running, dropkick Spike in the face, one two NO. Corner whip, reversed, Spike charges into Nunzio's knee. Nunzio quickly to the middle rope, Sicilian Slice! One two NO. Nunzio starts to pick up Spike, looks over towards Akio a couple times, and Akio walks in and superkicks him. Must've not liked how Nunzio was looking at him. Nunzio falls into his corner, so he tag sin Funaki as Akio is being asked to leave. Funaki top rope plancha for Spike, spinning headscissors for Akio! Funaki is pumped, and waves Nunzio over- backdrop pescado onto Akio! Funaki even more pumped - until Spike lands the battering ram to the midsection. Middle of the ropes Dudley Dog is slow and gets shoved off. Funaki Okie Roll one two three. (6:40) Romero is ticked at Josh for knowing the name of the move. I guess we're saying Nunzio caught his neck on the ropes when he shoved off. Akio's gotta find a partner who won't keep costing him matches!
05/22 - Minneapolis, MN [Judgment Day]
05/24 - Milwaukee, WI [SD!]
05/28 - Winnipeg, MB [SD! WM Revenge Tour]
05/29 - Grand Prairie, AB [SD! WM Revenge Tour]
05/31 - Edmonton, AB [SD!]
Cena vs the Bashams. That's one of the better looking FU's Cena has done, even if it makes me laugh for being a one time Ivory finisher. If recent patterns hold true, this means the Bashams are winning the tag team titles next week.
Judgment Day: John Cena vs JBL [WWE, I QUIT]
Up Next: Shannon Moore vs Chavo Guerrero, with Paul London commentating.
WWE Champion Paul London is in street clothes, which limits the slllllllide a little bit. No coat; it seem to only still exist in his video clips. London does forearm handshakes, which are dumb but oddly appropriate. Paul London's music should not be played longer than thirty seconds. Paul needs to talk louder or get his mic volume raised. Hey, it's a match
Chavo Guerrero (el Paso, TX, 200 pounds) vs Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 192 pounds) - As you might imagine, Chavo Wants The Belt. They mentioned in the previous match, and probably are about to in this one, that London's never beat Chavo in a one on one match; I wouldn't be a good freak if I didn't check that for you, and let me assure you, their claim is true. Of course, it's a bit helped by the only one on one match being Chavo's CO win a few weeks back (unless you include their portion of the Cruiserweight Gauntlet match at No Way Out as one on one). London's a bit of the marble mouth here. London: "He said he's let me have it one more day - isn't that nice." Don't talk over Chimel, Paul. Your ref is Charles. London and Shannon exchange gang signs. London talks about having a lot in common with Shannon. "You see that eye paint around his eyes - that's because he connected with the Azooka tribe of North Carolina." I think he's kidding, because I couldn't find it on the net. Lots of the front crowd is cheering for Shannon, neat. Shannon thinks so. Circle. Lockup, Chavo with a waistlock, switch, Shannon with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Josh: "I know, in the latest SmackDown! magazine, there's an article about you - you talk about how you prepare by going into the mountains of New Mexico." What Paul Says: "Yea, right on man." What Paul Thinks: "Dude, how high was I when I said that?" Chavo backs off as Shannon poses - again Shannon gets the cheers. Lockup. Chavo with a headlock, takedown. Paul says he's never pinned Chavo - until Sunday. Shannon rolls him over for a one count. Back up to their feet, Chavo shoved off but just goes a couple steps, turns and goes into an armdrag, armbar. Chavo complains about a three count. Circle. Lockup, Shannon powers Chavo to the corner, Chavo turns it around at the last second, Chavo misses the cheap punch, Shannon gets pulled away before he can get in the chap punch, Chavo has no problem attacking the easy target. Right hands. European Uppercut. Stomps. BACK SUPLEX. Romero: "Suplex by Chavo" - there you go. One two no. Chavo stomps Shannon for Paul's benefit. European Uppercut. Posing. Slam. Stomps. Kneeling armbar. London, on a slow rant: "Look at Chavo. He's a great wrestler. How many times has held this title." And the table goes silent. Hahaha. "Multiple times, multiple times." (Five times.) London shows off the belt to Chavo, as Shannon rallies back. Right hands. Off the ropes, into a knee. London says it's not his fault he won the belt in a Battle Royal. Chavo suplexes Shannon stomach first onto the top rope, and European Uppercut to the apron. Choke around the middle rope, the better to taunt London. London rooting for Shannon, Shannon seems dead. Chavo taking a while to taunt London - and Shannon forearm shim off the apron and into the desk. London claps and laugh at Chavo. Shannon brings back in Chavo. Chavo begging off on Shannon, his punch is blocked, Shannon with kicks and forearms. Off the ropes, Shannon ducks the clothesline and landing one of his own. Another clothesline. Whip, backdrop. "CHAVO SUCKS" chant out of nowhere for three seconds. Kick, dance, off the ropes, running Mooregasm (called by London!) one two NO. Corner whip, Shannon charges in and jumps at Chavo, Chavo holds him up, pause while they get on the same page, Chavo sets Shannon on the top rope, Shannon kicks him away. Shannon all the way up, top rope plancha one two NO. London is very disappointed. Right hands in the corner - Charles, being awfully touchy feely with Shannon tonight, pulls Shannon off. Chavo takes the opening to leave the ring. Shannon follows. Chavo in, Shannon in, Chavo stomping. Back suplex, no Shannon lands on his feet - waistlock, Chavo gets to the ropes, Shannon rolls backwards, Chavo nails Shannon with a clothesline. Chavo with a kick to the ribs. "PAUL LONDON! THIS IS FOR YOU!" Loading Shannon up for the Gory Bomb. "PAUL! THIS IS YOU PAUL!" Gory Bomb, one two three. (5:52) London with hilarious mocking claps. Chavo keeps on the one day bit, and London promises it's just one day till he beats Chavo for the first time. London dares Chavo to come get him - but Chavo elects to get his hand raised.
They keep yelling, but we're out.