I ought to put something funny/entertaining/vastly too personal up here more often to work you into the mood to care about B-matches. 

Yep. Huh.

I'll work on it.

TV PG V CC entertainment open (Rikishi still there) no fireworks

Rob Van Dam (Battle Creek, MI, 230 pounds, w/his own fireworks) vs Akio (Japan, 200 pounds) - Your announcers for this 113rd Velocity are Bill and Josh. Oh no, Bill's shirt is on fire! Wait, no, I was fooled by the incredibly below par looking flame design. Bill makes the incredible obvious RVD/Buddy Young Jr. joke. There's this long quiet from the announcers after Akio's enters. The announcers bill this as a battle of Korea's two biggest movie stars. This Korea sounds like an interesting place. Rob has the advantage of being in actual movies that exist outside of Velocity. Bill: "The Flying Elvises." "There you go." "Skin The Cat." "I've never heard of that one Bill, I think you just made that one it up." "Well...everything sounds better in threes." If that's not surreal enough for you, perhaps Akio doing "A-KI-O!" for RVD's benefit might be. RVD is bemused, then hit in the head. Akio kicks him down. Bouncy bouncy. ECW chant. Whip, reversed, RVD drops down, Akio starts to cartwheel before jumping and roll over, Akio's wheel kick is ducked, RVD's standing spin kick is not. Point. Forearms. Whip, rolling monkey flip seemed to be blown but Akio blocked it with an eye rake anyway. Akio goes to the middle rope, axhandle is sidestepped, and RVD knocks him out with a jumping spinning heel kick. Akio rolls out, and RVD follows, doing a bit of crowd control to clear a space. Akio suplexed onto the barricade, a couple gut punches to keep him there. Up to the apron. Point. Apron dive spinning legdrop connects. RVD takes some time to high five the people who moved out of his way. Akio thrown in, RVD to the apron and in no real hurry, slingshot aborted because Akio moved out of the way. RVD waits for Akio to turn around as Akio uses Nick Patrick for a climbing post, Akio turns and sees RVD thru the hair in his face, RVD tries a clothesline, Akio ducks out of the way, and RVD stops just short of hitting Nick. Akio uses the distraction to hit the wheel kick this time, one two no. Stomping. Boot choke. There's Akio's hang out of the ring headscissors move, which Josh has no words to describe, still. One two no. Neck vice. RVD trying to elbow up, but Akio quickly stops him with forearms as a prelude to his nice jumping enziguri. One two no. Choke on the middle rope. Akio lets go, and works in a dropkick to RVD's back. Bouncing. Modified Camel clutch by Akio. RVD battles up, but Akio stops him with forearm to the neck again. Akio tries to rush RVD into a turnbuckle smash, but RVD stops it, and kicks Akio in the head. Both guy slow, recovering. They're really pushing hard RVD as a guy who likes his matches at a calm cool relaxed pace. RVD with punches, corner whip, reverse, RVD goes in face first, Akio does Tiger Mask flip off his back, but RVD quickly hits a second rope back kick anyway. Rolling Thunder, one two no. RVD picks Akio up, Akio breaks free and kicks, RVD catches it and connects on the step over side kick. Time to finish it. Five Star Frog Splash one two three (5:31) Point!

Tonight: Billy Gunn vs Mark Jindrak
Up Next: John Cena vs a whole lot of people

Uh, shouldn't they have pulled the Chavo Classic themed SummerSlam ad? It wasn't a local ad. And what's with the Mexico judge showing no love. So wrong.

SmackDown: John Cena is angry young white male. Wow, what a horrible thin wall with obvious cut marks. Someone was really asking for it by putting that thing there. Maybe Kenzo knows what five is in English? That wouldn't be fair. (3:18)
This Week on SmackDown!: John Cena vs Luther Reigns

Still to Come: JBL vs Eddie in a cage for the WWE Title in an "Instant Classic." Wow, quite an epidemic of them lately.

SmackDown! Live (Hey, there's Rikishi again)
07/20 - Philadelphia, PA [SD!]
07/25 - Roanoke, VA 
07/26 - Huntington, WV
07/27 - Cincinnati, OH [SD!]
07/31 - E. Rutherford, NJ
Looks like they've dropped tour names here too

SpikeTV.com's "Diva Bodyguards for a Day" contest mentions that the Diva Search winner will be crowned 09/13 in Seattle, WA. In case you want to X days off your calendar or something.

Doug Basham (Columbus, OH, 240 pounds, w/Danny Basham) vs Nunzio (201 pounds, w/ Johnny Stamboli) - Josh combines Burger King and movie ad copy: "I had it my way - with Catwoman!" Then he tries to work in YJ Stinger stuff and it's starting to go downhill. "You don't know Catwoman!" "I do so!" Is this a feud? Nunzio has a bit of the hopping going as they circle. Lockup, Doug turns Nunzio around and swats him in the back of the head. Nunzio charges Doug and takes a kick. Headlock. Doug calls Nunzio "big nose" here. Bill uses "melee", stunning Josh. "I'm picking up new words from SmackDown!" Doug shot off, back with a shoulderblock. To the ropes - no, Nunzio trips him up. Doug's annoyed and attempts to slug Nunzio (helped by Nunzio pointing to his nose), but Nunzio ducks under, trips Doug again, and crawls one top one no, Okie roll one two no Doug is begging off! "YOU WANNA MAKE FUN OF THIS NOSE? I'LL BEAT YOU MAN!" Charles Robinson gets in the middle of this explosive situation, and Doug eventually gets out of his corner to his feet. Doug draws the referee away, Danny grabs Nunzio's leg, and Doug runs him over. Nunzio thrown out, Doug taunts Johnny and distracts the referee, Danny runs Nunzio into the barricade and throws him back in. One two NO. Bill: "Is it still interference if the referee Charles Robinson doesn't see it?" Nose yanking and a punch to the face. Kick to the back. MAKING FUN OF THE NOSE! Nunzio angrily fights his way up to his feet, only for Doug to stop him down. Corner whip, Nunzio gets a boot up, Doug catches it and clotheslines Nunzio down. Nunzio pulled towards the middle, one two no. Back suplex into a side backbreaker one two NO. Kick tot he back. Tying the legs - hey, bow and arrow! Josh tried to make the case that Luther Reigns had no reason to get involved in the Cena handicap match, and Bill's ripping him apart. Meanwhile, Nunzio's oh so close to grabbing the middle rope, but probably doesn't stand a good chance with Danny standing right behind it. And it's tough to move while in the bow and arrow. Johnny is actually useful here, yelling at Charles to check Doug's shoulders. They're close enough to count - one two Doug lets go to break the self pin, then turns to argue the concept of a self pin. Nunzio crawls towards Johnny, though I don't think he gets to make a tag here. Doug catches back up to him, snap mare, spine kick one two no. Chinlock. "What a shock that Josh Mathews doesn't agree with Bill DeMott on the obvious." Welcome to every Velocity ever. Nunzio elbows out, off the ropes, clotheslined ducked, Nunzio tries for a crucifix but Doug isn't going. How about a sunset flip instead? Still no, Doug managing to reach down and bring Nunzio to his feet with a double choke. Nunzio gets a chinbreaker to counter that.  Nunzio off the ropes, dropkick to the shin, one two no. Off the ropes, dropkick to the head, one two no. Bill can't get why Josh thinks Kurt deceived everyone. "Do you watch SmackDown!?" "As a matter of fact, yes!" You never know. Nunzio with a whip, quick reverse to a Doug kick and a cradle back suplex one two no. I totally typed the kickout before it happened. Slam, dragging Nunzio into position. Bill can't name a Diva Search finalist, which is fair since this was probably taped earlier in the day, but still funny. Doug makes fun of the nose for the last time in his life, because he's about to attempt the always risky second rope flying NOTHING, landing on Nunzio's boot. Doug tumbles out of the ring, and Danny's over to check on him while Charles keeps Nunzio from interfering. Danny picks up Doug to do the Magical Spin of Basham Confusion, but they forgot Stamboli is standing, watching, and waiting to punch Danny when he stops spinning. Doug thrown back in, Arrivederci one two three (5:16) There's your Nunzio finisher. Nunzio celebrate the sizable upset. Bill's dramatic turning point the Bashams forgetting about Johnny the Bull. 

Dive Search Special package. "Alter Bridge", One Day Remaining" (:58)

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, and Noble does not go to the pay window, thanks to Bubba.

Hardcore Holly (Mobile, AL, 234) vs John Walters (220 pounds, already in the ring) - Hardcore pushes Walters for being in the general vicinity of the corner he'd like to pose on. Bill believes the Dudleyz are only helping Spike because they want him to do well. Josh: "Bill, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you." "I own it!" Lockup, Hardcore with a headlock. Shot off, Hardcore back with a shoulderblock. Hardcore off the ropes, over, hiptoss by Walters, Hardcore kicks him away. Hardcore slams Walters. Legdrop. Backing Walters in the corner. Chop. Bill goes on a rant about Hardcore being better than this. "Hardcore Holly should be in the hunt for US Title. The United States Title! Hardcore Holly! Should be the hunt for the WWE Championship! Hardcore Holly should be wearing gold around his waist, not chopping wood on John Walters." Chop. Corner whip, Holly charges into a boot. Walters charges out and clotheslines him down. Cover for maybe one. Walters stomps, but Holly's just getting up in between them. Snap mare - wait, no, Holly's not going along and we end up with a ugly variation. It looks like Holly's talking to Walters here, and I imagine it's something like "I'm not doing anything to my surgical repaired neck on Velocity", but with lots of expletives and threats. Chinlock. Hardcore battles up, right, right, right, off the ropes, Walters dropkicks him and I guess he's mocking Hardcore one two NO. Bill: "Hardcore Holly unselfish. Letting this young man show the agents and everyone in the back what he's got. But now he's had enough." Oh man wrestling's totally fake. Whip, clothesline misses, Hardcore's clothesline does not. Another. Dropkick. One two NO. John Walters was too nervous to talk to Josh before this match. Walters flapjacked on the apron. Calling for it. Alabama Crunch. Turnbuckle smash. Corner whip, kip up caught and Hardcore loads him up. Alabama Slam. One two three (3:28)

Velocity Exclusive: JBL apparently talked while inside the cage before his match. "[holding the title up] It's Morning Again In America! And I am proud PROUD to be your WWE champion. While I do not deserve to be in a cage, I'm doing this for one reason. I feel sorry for you people, and you all need a hero, and I am here."

Maybe that's a demon on Bill's shirt? It's still something dumb looking.

We pick up with the top of the cage Frog Splash. Announcers need to get over the story the wrestlers were telling stronger - Eddie wanted to beat JBL in the ring, so he kept passing up chances to escape to try to get the win. JBL wanted out. (4:40)

Josh narrates clips that are supposed to show Kurt's lying. Though two of them don't really
One Month Ago: Kurt gets out of the wheel chair to try and count a pinfall for Luther Reigns (lying about ???)
Two Weeks Ago: Kurt, standing on his own two feet, uses his cane to hurt Cena ( lying about needing the cane)
This Past Week: Kurt asks the trainer to look at his knee. (lying about his knee)
If this is the most horrible things Kurt could get out of faking an injury, I don't get why Josh and Cole are so upset about it - this seems like it should be more of a "Angle used his injury to get the US Title off of Cena in a very roundabout way" issue. Anyway, the point is Kurt's a now a worse person than he was before and may or may not have to pay for it.

Up Next: Billy Gunn vs Mark Jindrak

Mark Jindrak (Atlanta, GA, 263 pounds) vs Billy Gunn (269 pounds) - Bill: "You're right, Mark Jindrak is all smoke and mirrors." If Bill didn't go on to explain the joke and try to get the heat on Josh, that would've been one of the best lines Bill's used on this show. Can you believe what you see on Velocity? I guess we'll have to find out later. Mark still has the mirror. He manages to do the robe removal without Teddy telling him how to. Kiss the mirror. You know, it never occurred to me that the flashing lights after he unrobes is a lighting effect and not all camera flashes, but they kinda give that away here. 

Josh: "Did you know that Billy Gunn is actually a bull rider?" 
Bill "A rodeo star." 
Josh: "Sam Houston State University." 
Bill: "I wrestled against Sam Houston! [pause] I did!" 
Josh: "Billy Gunn one on one with Mark Jindrak. Bill, you used to be a wrestler?" 
Bill: [pause] "Not really." 
Josh: "Hahaha. I knew about your career in the military."
Bill: "Milit-? Don't- Billy Gunn matches up with Mark Jindrak."
Josh: "Tell us, tells us, please tell the world!" 
Bill: "I'm not telling you nothin', I'm not telling the world nothin', let them watch for themselves."
Josh: "What's the difference in styles between Billy Gunn and Mark Jindrak?"
Bill: "Billy has a style, and Mark Jindrak thinks he's in style."

Face to face. Gunn talking trash. Jindrak talking while Gunn backs up. Lockup, we're going nowhere. Break. Gunn clapping. Crowd response. Lockup, Jindrak into a kick, axhandle to the back. Whip, reversed, Jindrak ducks the clothesline, Gunn takes him down with a drop toe hold. Gunn with an armdrag, armdrag, hiptoss into a neckbreaker, one two no. Gunn poses while Jindrak recovers on the outside. Bill makes verbal love to Gunn: "Billy Gunn is a human dynamo. He's just constant motion. He's speed. He's grace. Alan loves Billy Gunn." Who? "The sound guy. The guy with the hat." Gunn out, Jindrak in, Gunn in, Jindrak kicking him. Forearm. Right. Kick. Kick. Corner whip, Jindrak's clothesline is ducked under, but Jindrak connects the mighty left hand anyway. Jindrak tells Brian Hebner to get his yapping about closed firsts out of here. Cover? Stomping. Choke. Quite a wedgie for Mark there. Jindrak elaborate goes to the outside to forearm him in the chest. Again. Back in. Suplex. One two no. Chinlock. Gunn getting up, elbow, elbow, elbow, off the ropes, into Jindrak's kick. Jindrak sizes him up, dropkicks him down. No pushups here, one two no. Jindrak runs Gunn into the corner, shoulder to the midsection. Corner whip, charge into a Gunn boot. Diamond Cutter, Gunn too tired to cover. Josh: "I think Kurt Angle and the Big Show were in cahoots!" What a plan! Angle's all man to take the Twenty Five Foot Drop just for the sake of it. Bill tries to add logic (huh) by pointing out the blood. Bill's theory is that Kurt just healed, went to rehab, and go better. This is the rare case where I hope Bill is right (and he tends to read ahead, so maybe his is!) Gunn and Jindrak have a punch battle (well, maybe it's more a battle between Gunn's fist and Jindrak's face) while Bill makes Josh jump through plot explanation hoops: Josh says Kurt uses his powers to get revenge on his enemies (he even said so a few times!) and he may be in trouble with the Board of Directors, and Bill wonders who the Board Of Directors are, and anyway, Kurt's not a fraud because he's still, at the core, doing what he thinks is best for SmackDown! Whip, back elbow, clothesline, clothesline. Corner whip, corner splash but no one's home. Jindrak kick, left loaded up but ducked, Gunn hits the One and Only. One two th-NO. Well that's why he doesn't use it much, I guess. Gunn calls for it, Jindrak bent over, off the ropes, Jindrak ducks free of the Famesasser. Mark of Excellence! One two three! (4:49) Wow, I wasn't expecting that in the least. Hope they follow up on it 

SmackDown!: What's trouble is Kurt Angle in?