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entertainment open fireworks
Basham Brothers (Columbus, OH, 495 pounds) vs the FBI (451 pounds) - your mono-colored announcers are Bill (salmon) and Josh (back in black). Later: WWE Tag Team Champions the Dudley Boyz! How come they announce those guys from a hometown, but these two - who are just from different sections of the same town - are never announced as from New York when teaming. Do the boroughs have to be differentiated so much? Are we implying the Bashams are living together? Shouldn't I be trying to figure out who's the face here instead of worrying about other minutia? Perhaps. Johnny's seems to be expecting cheers, so there you go. Bill thinks the theme of Velocity is tag matches, because they have two of them. Johnny and Danny to start. Circle. Lockup, Johnny shoves Danny away. Johnny does some Akio like hopping. Lockup, Danny with an armbar, Johnny powers to a reversal. He's strong, you see. Danny and Doug discuss. Danny and Nick Patrick discuss. Bill works on his Creative Story Telling homework for the week, pretending that Nick is timid because he was overturned in the Eddie/JBL match. None of this is particularly evident, or at least not in the first ten seconds of the match. Lockup, Danny with a waistlock, Danny with a headlock, Johnny powers out, into a headlock of his own. Danny elbowing out, Johnny shot off and back with a big shoulderblock. For an encore, Bill claims Johnny is laid back of late - because of the overturned finish in the Eddie/JBL match, one could only assume. Danny feigns a lockup and kicks instead. Forearm to the back, then a tag to Doug, which gives Johnny enough time to recover and drop toe hold Doug as he charges. Nunzio gets in punch, Johnny punch, Nunzio punch, Johnny backdrop. Tag to Nunzio, off the ropes, dropkick to the head. No cover, going over to Johnny to lift him up for a foot first battering ram on Danny as he tries to get involved. Danny is sent out, Johnny is escorted out by timid Nick, and Doug recovers on the middle rope. Nunzio charges him, but Danny pushes his partner out of the way, and Nunzio's second rope sit turns into a wild slide to the floor. By the looks of him, it's a ride Nunzio would not like try again; a replay shows that Nunzio's neck almost met the top rope in the process of his fall to the floor. Doug rests on the ropes while Danny climbs them to taunt Johnny from afar, and Nick counts Nunzio out of the ring. Nunzio is slow up, only in at the nine count. Doug meets him with a fist, and then some knees fold up Nunzio. One two Johnny breaks it up. FBI chant? The heck. Doug tries for a turnbuckle smash, but the moves never work when I say "tries". Nunzio uses one instead, trying to punch his way past Doug (no) and trying to slip thru Doug's legs for the tag (still no, as Doug drops down on him.) Doug and Nunzio have a strike standoff, ending when Nunzio fails to get a takedown and Doug does not fail on a kneelift. Doug stomps Nunzio's head, then tags Danny so he can get in some free shots. Lesson learns from the GAB: We still don't know what the Right Thing is/was/ever will be. Baaaaack suplex, Danny turning around a little bit while he had Nunzio up. Johnny breaks it up, one two no. Josh lets us know that Bearer isn't dead, but he's close enough we'll never see him again. Danny runs Nunzio into Doug's boot, and they make the illegal switch. Nick's timid ness does not stop him from asking the Bashams what happened, as usual. Top elbowlock on Nunzio? Close enough to get this done. Nunzio battles out with punches and a big armdrag. Dive for the tag, Doug catches him, it looks like he's close enough anyway but the hands never connect. Kick catch enziguri needs to die already. Nunzio has his usual problems with trying to find the right corner for the tag, which allows Doug to make the tag to Danny, and Danny to grab a leg. Nunzio turns and kicks him away anyway, finally making the tag to Johnny. Right hands for Danny, whip, clothesline, back elbow, press for Doug, Danny's flapjacked on top, big spinebuster on Danny to top it off, one two Doug breaks it up. Danny rudely throws Nunzio out, and the Bashams decides on a plan for Johnny. The plan seems to be for Danny to hold, and Doug to come off the ropes - but Nunzio pulls down the middle rope, taking Doug out with him. Nunzio back in; Danny tries a corner whip with Johnny towards Nunzio, Johnny reverses it, Danny pulls up short of Nunzio's boots, Johnny slips behind him and drops him with the side backbreaker, and Nunzio adds the legdrop for the Kiss of Death (which is apparently now the Sicilian Slice), Johnny covers Danny one two three (6:26) Didn't think that team was winning.
Tonight: Billy Kidman & Paul London vs the Dudley Boyz in a non-title
match
Up Next: Triple Threat #1 Contenders match
I love how the WWE Experience selling point is "because there's nothing good on."
07/01 SmackDown!: Triple Threat Match, joining at Rene's lowblow. Free funny
suggestion: call them "suplay" when Dupree does them. Have him demand
it. Have Cole question the legitimacy of the word. (3:27)
SmackDown!: John Cena (c) vs Booker T for the US Championship
Still To Come: the beginning of the JBL era
SmackDown! Live
07/04 - Sudbury, ON [RWB]
07/05 - Kenora, ON [RWB]
07/06 - Winnipeg, MB [SD!]
07/10 - Hampton Beach, NH [RWB]
07/11 - Cohassett, MA [RWB]
N-Gage Charles Robinson punishment match of Last Thursday
Theodore R. Long is in the ring. I believe I know where this one is going. To his credit, he wastes no time in bringing in Mark Jindrak. "It has to be a crime, for one man to be so fine." That's kinda old. I keep hoping, one week, Jindrak's takes off the robe and there's something hilarious wrong underneath. Hilariously, since the opening is similar enough, it takes a couple seconds to realize Mark's been interrupted by
Mark Jindrak (w/Theodore R. Long) vs Charlie Haas (Edmund, OK, 241 pounds, w/Miss Jackie) - Miss Jackie's outfit defies words, and not really in the "falling out of it" sense. She's a backup dancer gone horrible bad. They've spliced their entrance videos together, so I hope Rico enjoyed it while it lasted. Bill is upset that Haas would dip with Jackie but not walk the runway. Lockup, Jindrak tries to back Haas into the corner, but Haas slips behind and then around for a fireman's carry in an odd looking spot. Haas shows off his abs. Circle. Lockup, no, Haas goes for a single leg takedown and eventually gets it. Rolling front facelock leads to nothing but ropes. Bill is anti-Tango. Jindrak tries to get a word with Long, and ends up getting an inside cradle instead - one two no. Armdrag, armdrag. Bill is pro-Two Step. Haas off the ropes, into the Long trip. (That's his move!) Haas stumbles to one knee, turns around to yell at Long, and turns around to greet Jindrak's left hand with his jawbone. Ow. Josh is pro-having sex with Miss Jackie. Someone keep track of these important details. Jindrak stomps. Choke on the top rope. Jindrak with a near pointless leap to the apron so he can punch Haas from out there. Pose. Swivel. Jindrak beats Haas in the corner, then uses the corner to beat Haas. One two NO. one two no. Chinlock. Charlie chant nearly gets up to FBI levels. Charlie elbows out, but his whipped is reversed into a Mongolian Chop! I had no idea Jindrak was Mongolian. Dropkick, pushups, situps, kips up. Josh makes a Mark Jindrak exercise video joke, Bill makes a Jack Lalanne exercise video joke, and Josh makes a who's Jack Lalane joke. Jindrak kicks, off the ropes, big left is ducked, and Haas manages a flapjack. Both down and slow up. It takes till now for someone (Bill!) to bring up the end of Jindrak's win streak one week ago. Haas battling back with slightly less powerful punches. Duck a clothesline, hit a shoulderblock. Dropkick. Clothesline. Corner charge into a Jindrak elbow, maybe he should've rethought that part. Jindrak misses a clothesline, and Haas catches him for the (Josh: "T-Bone! Exploder! Whatever you want to call it!") suplex. Cover - but Jimmy Korderas is slightly busy talking to Theodore Long at the moment. Jackie tries to end the discussion, but Korderas is still looking out of the ring instead of in it while Jindrak sneak attacks Haas with a forearm to the back. Jindrak's springboard clothesline is ducked (half heartedly, because it was only negligibly in the same time zone as Haas). Haas grabs Jindrak - German suplex one two three (3:47) Upset? Now even or ahead of Shelton? I don't know. At least that settles the "is the German his finisher (too)" debate.
Tonight: Billy Kidman & Paul London vs the Dudley Boyz in a non-title match
07/01 SmackDown!: JBL vs Spike for the WWE Title. How many title shots has Spike gotten now? The annoying isn't the consistently that whenever a face has a mystery opponent, it's Kane/someone really big (show) and whenever a heel has a mystery opponent, it's Spike/someone really small, it's the characters lacking the self-awareness to notice what's blindingly obvious to the viewers. I mean, the writers have that level of self-awareness, right? Huh. (4:46)
07/15 SmackDown!: John Bradshaw Layfield (c) vs Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Title in a Steel Cage
Next: Billy Kidman & Paul London vs the Dudley Boyz in a non-title match
1-800-CALL-ATT and tell 'em Undertaker's not really going to explain why he did what he did. At least they were smart enough to frame Undertaker's head (and not neck) when he was referring to Paul Bearer as the one person who mattered to him. WHAT'S THE RIGHT THING.
WWE Tag Team Champions the Dudley Boyz (New York City, 543 pounds, w/o Paul Heyman) vs thug life Billy Kidman and Paul London (415 pounds) in a non-title match - They WALK. Kidman is wearing his black tights - with purple lettering, but I don't notice it at first, so I think it's some foreshadowing till I look closer. Maybe it is? Crowd on the Dudleyz. Kidman and D-Von to start. D-Von and Bubba attempt the "D-Von circles around so the victim's got his back turned on Bubba's sneak attack" bit, but Kidman notices it coming and rolls out of the way. Kidman backs away as Brian Hebner tries to get one in and one out. They resettle on Bubba starting. Lockup, Bubba's backs him into the ropes, Bubba with a headlock. Shot off, no Bubba rehooks the headlock. Perhaps the Tables chant may have inspired this headlock going on a little bit longer. Kidman shots Bubba off again, Kidman leapfrogs but Bubba just runs right through him. That was harsh. Run into the a turnbuckle, head first. Right. Shoulder. Right. Bubba Ray doesn't like Josh. That's very shocking. Bubba with a corner whip, charge in to Kidman's boots. Kidman to the middle rope, cross body connects one two no. Kidman with a headlock. Bubba tries to back suplex out, but Kidman takes him over with a snap mare. Holding the headlock in on the mat, Bubba rolls him on to his shoulders for a one count. Bubba with a headscissors reversal. Kidman manages to stand his way out of it, headlock takedown. "WE WANT TABLES" Josh goes quiet like he wants us to hear that, but doesn't acknowledge it. Bubba stands up and runs Kidman into the Dudleyz corner. Tag to D-Von. D-Von with a right hand. To a neutral corner for a turnbuckle smash. Right. Forearm. Forearm. Whip, hiptoss reversed into a Kidman armdrag, armdrag, into an armbar. Tag to London. Armbar, London adds the top rope axhandle, one two no. Josh and Bill are so on the "Kidman and London can not possibly win this match" tact, you know it's not true. Small package one two no. Armbar, tag to Kidman, double whip, double back elbow, Kidman covers one two no. Armbar, tag to London, double whip, Kidman drops down and London cracks D-Von with the wheel kick one two NO. London backs D-Von into the corner with a right hand and a kick, corner whip reversed by D-Von to where they started, D-Von charges hard into a London back elbow, and that buys enough time for the Mushroom Stomp. Jumping leg lariat one two NO. Josh lets us know that a Kidman/London win would be the biggest upset in the history of this or any other Earth. London waits for D-Von to get back to his feet, but is unaware Bubba is behind him. Bubba grabs London and spins him around, London ducks the right hand and lands a forearm of his own, dropping D-Von to the floor. Bought D-Von some time for a forearm of his own, though. D-Von whip - no, he'll go back the way they came, so Bubba can trip up London and yank him out of the ring. D-Von distracts Hebner, and Kidman ends up helping as Bubba rudely introduces London to the announce desk. London thrown back in by Bubba. As Bubba goes to yell at people in the crowd, we go to break. (4:57)
Crowd is loud as we return to D-Von has London in a chinlock. Crowd dies off just before London starts fighting back, escaping with elbows. Off the ropes and just out of Bubba reach, and back with a sunset flip. D-Von tries to stay standing, but London pulls him down one two no. Both up, and D-Von crushes London with a clothesline. D-Von gives a thumb across his throat, which meant it's time for a turnbuckle smash, I guess. Tag to Bubba. Reverse neckbreaker one two Kidman breaks it up. Bubba pulls London up, seemingly setting up for another reverse neckbreaker, but instead leaving on the neck hold and bending forward, racking and choking London over his back. Bubba holds on for a bit, then stands back up to drop London face first, followed by a shot for Kidman. Kidman tries to get in, but he's cut off by Brian Hebner, while London is cut off by being thrown out of the ring via Bubba by the steel post he's thrown at. Tag to D-Von, though Bubba gets in his shots form the outside. D-Von with a slam, and climbing up to the middle rope. Flying NOTHING meets boot. Kidman tries to rally the crowd, and they come around to his claps. Can London make the tag? I hope so, we're running out of time. Tag to Kidman, clothesline for D-Von, clothesline, whip, backdrop. Bubba in, Bubba's punch is blocked, Kidman punches him three time, whip, reversed, Kidman back with a fivearm. Kidman ducks a clothesline and dropkicks D-Von, one two no. Josh made it sound like something went wrong on the dropkick but the cameras hid it well enough. Kidman with a forearm, whip, reversed and Bubba forearms Kidman from the outside. Bubba holds Kidman, D-Von charges, Kidman scoots out of the way and the fivearm connects with Bubba. Kidman inside cradle one two NO. Kidman springboard bulldog one two Bubba breaks it up. London back up and forearming Bubba, but Bubba manages to throw him out. Kidman attacks Bubba in turn, but when he tries a whip, the familiar chant breaks out. Bubba reverses it, but pulls Kidman down by the hair instead of sending him to the ropes. Bubba follows by directing D-Von to the top rope, though he takes a while to settle on the corner. Just enough to give London time to disrupt, and shove D-Von off into another direction. Bubba lets go off Kidman to deal with London, but London deals with him by missile dropkick. Kick catch enziguri for Paul London, but that's all Brian Hebner is going to let him do as the illegal man. As Brian escorts Paul towards the corner - any corner - Kidman recovers enough to pull D-Von towards another corner. Going up - Shooting Star Press looks frightful (Kidman just turning over) but successful - one two th-Bubba pulls out Hebner. You're pulling referees out of the ring on Velocity? Brian Hebner finds it a lame overkill of near fall spot and awards in favor of the non-champions. (DQ 9:15) What do you know, the impossible upset happened. Even if you're not surprised by the turn of events, Bubba sure is, kicking Paul London down and yanking Kidman out of the ring. Bubba takes off his belt, which thankfully proves non mandatory for his pants, and starts a whipping. Kidman gets brought back for the choke treatment, and the kick to the groin treatment. Even though Paul Heyman hasn't been seen or mentioned at all till here, this is all because of him. Dudleyz do some posing, and we end it there.
The preview said "Rey Mysterio in Cruiserweight action"! I feel hurt/betrayed.