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Theodore R. Long is in the ring! I think I know why. Hey, why introduce this gimmick without giving Jindrak something to do with it? Like Velocity squashes are really going to make him.

"reflection of perfection" Mark Jindrak (no weight, no hometown) vs Even Though I Hate Him, Scotty 2 Hotty Would've Made A Fine Cruiserweight Champion (Westbrook, ME, 217 pounds) - Mark has a silk silver bedsheet of a robe, and he won't allow the fans to see his abs until he gets to the ring - and then Teddy tells him to show it to everyone anyway. Ah, I guess it's for a big reveal. "Now you can go home! Now you can go to your domain!" "I love it like a fat kid loves cake!" Bill: "Well, now it's getting hot in herre". AND THEN HE TOOK OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES. I hate you Nelly. The mirror did magically disappear again. Is Josh here? Oh, there we go. You know, wait wait I need a new paragraph to make a dramatic break

You know, they totally should've had Jacqueline win this match. It would've put a HUGE spotlight on him. He wouldn't have been the dude who's got a mirror and abs and ill-fitting black manager, he'd be the guy who lost to a chick! The crowd would go nuts or something.

Let me save you from a really long rant, and save me from one because I won't get done tonight otherwise: 
- Saying Jacqueline's heat is worse as a face is ludicrous because as a face in Texas is the only time she's still over
- London would've got just as big a pop because they could've made used the same "I don't take your seriously at all" bit and the fans would've chanted for London and London's a billion times better underdog than Jacqueline and has much more possibility gain for the future than Jacqueline. I can not comprehend a way this angle would turn out better with Jacqueline instead of Paul London. Please help me.  
- Hogan did alright for who won a big match in his debut. More recent? Mysterio. It has absolutely nothing to do with being a face and needing a heel turn. It's if you don't look lost in the ring (like Gail and John did) and if the writers/bookers give you any attention post win. Orton got shipped off to the abyss of Velocity, so of course he's not going to get over. Same thing with Spanky, if he got more than a month. This Mark Jindrak, with the match I'm supposed to be calling, he's not going over because he's doing nothing and giving us no reason to care about them.  
- This is not "taking a chance". This is repeating an angle that's never gotten over, never produced an interesting match and never been more than a complete waste in time for all involved (including those people who like to watch this stuff) Including with this very same woman. There is a chance this won't suck, but there's plenty of WWE precedent of things sucking so bad, people feel compelled to write "stop saying this sucks! it may very well turn out not to suck!" articles, it's going to suck. And hard.

Sorry nik. 

So, since the last time Jackie wrestled a man (04/14/02 Heat - thank you ME), she lost, shouldn't that man be #1 contender? Though I guess Crash is dead. Hmmm. 

Noble should've won. Under a mask. An ATLANTIS mask. He is so incredibly the MAN nowadays that I'm thinking really ticks me of is that they didn't turn the bit of bad luck with TE Matt getting hurt into an opportunity to reward someone that's been working very hard for little pay, choosing to entertain themselves instead.

While I'm thinking of it, can someone tell Hardcore Holly that wrestling is fake? He's old enough to know. 

Ooops, got distracted. I guess I'll call this the next nine times I get to see it. (Jindrak ducks the two handed bulldog, hits the Mark of Excellence, 2:59) I know you don't care, but I totally called that finish when I heard Scotty's music. Maybe I can be a road agent too.

Your announcers are dolla dolla Bill and ten cent Josh. Wow, their shirts match. That's a bit scary. Bill calls Jindrak Mr. Saturday Night, which isn't really a compliment if you think about it. So let's not.

Tonight: WWE Tag Team Champion Rico & Charlie Haas vs Billy Kidman & Paul London
Still To Come: the Undertaker returns (again)

SmackDown Live
5/9 - Columbia, SC [WMRevenge]
5/11 - Reno, NV [SD!]
5/15 - San Bernardino, CA [WMRevenge]
5/16 - Los Angeles, CA [PPV]
5/17 - Palm Springs, CA [WMRevenge]
Exactly when is WM finally going to get it's revenge?

Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 247 pounds) vs Akio (Japan, 200 pounds, w/Sakoda) - Josh: "Bill, you ever think Sakoda gets jealous of Akio because he's such a big movie star in Korea?" I bet he gets jealous of Akio actually having matches. Bill notes that Sakoda has a better suit and gold chain, which improves his driving accuracy. Bill: "He's like Kato!" Lockup, Orlando muscles Akio in the corner, break, Akio shoves Orlando, Orlando shoves back, but only Akio gets warned. Keeping the Asian guys down. Sakoda's advises a punch. Circle. Lockup, Bill confuses Orlando Jordan with Homey The Clown, while Josh suggests he's bipolar. (Bill: "Is that allowed?") Orlando shot off, back with a shoulderblock that spins Akio out. Akio thinking this over. Taking with Sakoda. Lockup, no Akio goes behind, switch, big waistlock takedown, around into a front facelock, up to their feet, Orlando fireman's carry, armdrag. Akio backs off, catching Orlando with a kick when he follows. Kick to the midsection, kick to the midsection, spin heel kick to the midsection, pose. Orlando's' ready for Akio when's done posing, and Akio is thrown into the corner. Series of punches in the corner, and Akio is bieled out into the middle of the ring. Armdrag Gone Bad, but everyone lives. Whip, but Akio prefers to slide out rather than hit the ropes. Taking a break, which Orlando doesn't like - head into the barricade and back in. Orlando climbs up the apron instead of sliding in, giving Sakoda the opening to trip Orlando off the apron. Orlando is slow up and Akio is waiting - baseball slide dropkick knocks Orlando down. Post! Thrown in. Stomp. Stomp. Sitting on his back chinlock - not really a camel clutch because Akio really isn't putting any weight on Orlando's back. Josh disagrees with me, and he may be right. Anyway, Orlando starts to get up, but Akio stops him with a shot to the back of the head, and a jumping kick to the back of the head (that must've not been that close from the quick camera switch), one two no. Corner whip, Akio charges in to Orlando's elbow. Akio charges in to Orlando's boot. Orlando charges out and ducks Akio's jumping spin kick, off the ropes, fivearm. Back elbow, clothesline, whip, backdrop, cover - but Sakoda is up on the apron to distract Brian Hebner. Orlando stops covering to reach after him, Sakoda drops down, Akio tires a punch but misses, jab jab jab shuffle big right. You know the distance from your eyes to the monitor? The same distance between Orlando's hands and Akio's face there. One two no. Loading up for the walking shoulder powerslam, now aimlessly walking, oh no of all the bad luck, Orlando just happened to walk over by Sakoda so he could pull Akio out of the move. Orlando turns around and lunges at Akio, but Akio ducks out of the way and Sakoda take it instead. Akio misses the Stinger Splash anyway, Black Ice one two three (4:52)

Up Next: Booker wants to know what to do about the Shadow

Milky Way Slapping The Dead Off The Undertaker

Wait, of all the weird things, she doesn't have DIRT. (:48)
the Undertaker makes an uncooked appearance on SmackDown! Oh man, he used Orlando Jordan's move. I guess they're still buds. What's the point of doing the submission finish if you're going to do the normal finishes anyway. (3:08)
Judgment Day: Undertaker vs Booker T
Judgment Day: John Cena (c) vs Rene Dupree for the US Title
Judgment Day: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Title

YJ Stinger See Earlier Rant

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 198 pounds) vs Spike Dudley (150 pounds) - Josh: "I wonder how Jamie Noble feels about Jacqueline being the Cruiserweight Champion?" Get out of my head. Oh no oh no oh no Jamie can't possibly win this twice. Circle. Lockup, Noble goes for a single leg, fights it done, over to a chinlock, Spike reverses out into an armbar then to a front facelock. Up to their feet, and Jamie grabs a leg, fighting and getting another takedown. Spike tries to kick Jamie away, but Jamie holds onto the leg, rolls Spike over and stands up into a half crab! Neat, but too soon and Spike crawls to the ropes. Spike recovers under the ropes, but that doesn't stops Jamie from stomping him. Spike picked up and chopped. Whip, head down too soon, Spike small package one two no. Noble's punch is ducked, inside cradle one two no. Forward legsweep cradle one two NO. Even though that's a cradle Spike has done forever, Bill says Spike is taking a play out of Jamie's playbook. Spike off the ropes, caught by Noble in a fireman's carry and dropped hard into a gutbuster. Jamie's enthused y that turn of events. Spike won't get up, so he gets kicked. Whip, Spike kips up, Jamie catches him on his shoulder, Spike slips behind, Jamie with a switch, Spike rushes to the corner and drops down, sending Noble into the corner shoulder first. Spike slowly climbing up the ropes, cross body one two NO. Whip, inverted atomic drop and clothesline by Spike, one two no. Kick, corner running in place on Spike's chest. Corner whip, reversed, Noble charges into a kick, Spike off the ropes, Noble's awesome powerslam one two NO. Tiger Driver? Spike's deadweight and Noble can't get him in position, so he kicks him in the head a couple times instead. Off the ropes, Spike ducks the boot to the head, Spike off the ropes, battering ram. Dudley Dog hits, one two three. (3:06) Remember when they used to have multiple long matches on this show? That was neat.

Tonight: WWE Tag Team Champion Rico & Charlie Haas vs Billy Kidman & Paul London
Up Next: An in depth look into Eddie vs Bradshaw

Eddie and JBL (3:37)

thug life Billy Kidman and Paul London (468 pounds, already in the ring) vs WWE Tag Team Champions Rico and Charlie Haas (469 pounds, w/Miss Jackie) - Josh calls Kidman/London a makeshift team but then points out they've teamed a bunch before. I bet their weights really don't add up that well. Haas opts against the runway. They pull the navel switch on Haas again, but switch back to stop Haas from getting too mad yet. Haas and London will start - no, Rico is going to crawl though Haas' leg to start. FROOT BOOTY. I hope Stevie Ray gets paid every time Bill says that. Lockup, Rico armbar, twist, wristlock, London reveres to his own armbar, headlock, shot off, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over-no, London scissors Rico as he's dropped down on the mat, on the mat, twisting him over and sitting on top for a pin, one two Rico spanks his way out. London is not pleased, forearming Rico in the face. Kick. Right. Corner whip, reversed, London kips up and out, then charges Rico in the corner, Rico gets a boot up late but we pretend he didn't, London catches it and drops it, Rico tries for the Big Kiss but London fights free. Rico is pleased. Kidman is not eager to tag in but he does. Josh: "This is great, Bill!" Lockup, Kidman with a hammerlock, Rico with a waistlock, Kidman realizes this is a very bad idea and gets a standing switch, Rico bends over and it's still a bad idea. Kidman is disgusted. Rico blows a kiss to Charlie, then gives Kidman a drop toe hold when he charges. Armbar, tag to Haas. Haas takes over the arm and works the arm with forearms. Armdrag and top wristlock by Haas. Kidman back up and forearming free. Whip, reversed, Kidman slides under, kick, whip, hiptoss is blocked, Haas with a fireman's carry into a pin one no. Armbar, wristlock, both Haas' hands are tied up but he's yelling at Rico to tag himself in, so of course Rico slaps him on the behind. This leads to another augment, and Kidman ambushing Rico with a forearm. Forearm. Whip, reversed, Kidman flapjack. Rico calls for it, and rides Kidman. Josh: "What the hell is this?" I don't know, he does it every match, Josh. While Haas complains about the wacky gayness to Charles Robinson, London kicks Rico from the apron, freeing his partner. Stomps. Tag to Kidman. Double slam, assisted standing moonsault splash one two no. Front facelock, Kidman tags in, hold for a kick. Snap mare, Kidman kneeling surfboard. Jackie trying to rally the crowd. Rico drawling from the crowd and fighting his way up, getting free with a jawbreaker. Rico is slow to follow up, and takes a kick catch back-giri. One two no. Kidman rolls Rico into position and tags London, slingshot splash to the back one two no. Back to the kneeling surfboard. Jackie rallying the crowd again. Rico rallying back again. Rico turns free, right, right, right, off the ropes, into the dropsault and Rico's knocked out of the ring. Rico run back first into the apron and thrown in, but Jackie grabs London and distracts him with her backside. Kidman helpfully throws London back in to follow up, before himself behind distracted by Jackie's tassels. London yells at him to pay attention, okay. I guess nothing happened in the ring, because they didn't talk about it. London picks up Rico as he's crawling for a tag, but Rico gets free with a heel kick to the midsection and tags Charlie. Clothesline for London, whip, back elbow, off the ropes, shoulderblock. backdrop for Kidman., dropkick for London. Haas is pumped. Running back elbow in the corner for Kidman, powerslam for London one two Kidman breaks it up. Kidman forearms Haas in the back, whip, quick reversed into a Haas exploder suplex. Haas is too busy celebrating and watching Kidman roll out of the ring to check what happened to the legal man Paul London, and London grabs him in a reverse rollup  one two kicked out into Rico on the apron, Rico kiss him, London German Suplex one two three (6:59) London landed on his neck there but we're too busy talking about kisses. Turning point is Jackie distracting London and Kidman with "her beautiful upper torso".

That's it.

This SUCKED. I'll try better.