tv 14 dlv (huh? weren't they supposed to be changing that?) entertainment (experience logo added, no confidential or tough enough) open (no changes here) fireworks - "It's Seven O' Clock on Saturday Night, welcome to Velocity. Yes, Velocity has made it to the prime time!" So who do you start with?

US Champion John Cena as OSU's Barry Sanders (West Newberry, MA, 248 pounds) vs I'll get back to you on that in a non-title match - Cena couldn't put his title on the line for the 'new' Velocity? Boooooo. Doing the Heisman pose almost makes up for it. Josh knows! Remember the WWE.com interview way back when, where Cena said they put lyrics in his theme music so he wouldn't have to rap every time?  

Yo yo yo yo yo yo YO [pause for CENA chant]
I got Saturday Night on lock, man, your boy's holding it
It's the same green screen, but now we got gold in it [he rhymed IT with IT]
I own Velocity, hell your boy's the franchise
they said my head is blowing up, so I increase my pants size
for real, this crowd is hype
tonight is the night, man, we doing this different, we gonna start this off right
You see, I fight for your people, I got the fans on my mind
That's what I'm looking in the crowd for all those John Cena signs
Well, if you got one, throw it up, because in case you haven't heard me
the best sign in the house is going to get a free jersey

Bill and Josh hold up their (imaginary!) signs, but no dice. "I don't want him coming over here with no shirt on anyway. Because that's...wrong." Bill's got some issues. Cena going out into the crowd? Without secruity? He doesn't get mobbed anyway, but he goes up and finds someone. "My Other Sign is in the Shop." Good enough, I guess. Shirt for her. Bill likes to make signs with crayons. Akio has had enough of waiting!

US Champion John Cena vs Akio (FROM JAPAN, 200 pounds, w/Sakoda) in a non-title match - Josh: "Akio, from the far East" - we've worked out a compromise, fantastic. Josh is in the midst of pointing out that Cena's from the East coast, which leads Bill to assume that Akio and Cena are neighbors. 

Akio attacks from behind, with kicks and forearms and stomps and odd moonsault press to Cena' back. Cena pushed sideways into the corner so Akio can kick him in the back some more. Corner whip, reversed, Akio rebounds into a kick, Cena off the ropes, but Sakoda pulls 'em down. Sakoda takes off for the other side of the ring before Charles Robinson picks up what happened, and Akio brings Cena in. These are really bad stomps that I was warned about; Akio's kinda half jumping and having his right foot land on Cena. Leg choke on the middle rope, Akio walks away while distracting Charles but Sakoda isn't paying enough attention to get a shot in. Happens. Akio tries the 1-2-3 Kid corner kick combo for fun. Akio poses, and Cena's up - big clothesline. Back elbow, whip, Cena grabs him, holds him up, and drops him with a side slam. You can't see him. Five Knuckle Shuffle, pausing to brush off both shoulders, connects. He so wants that to be the People's Elbow. Pumping up the sneakers. Kick. Lift, Sakoda in but Cena kicks him, then swings around Akio's legs to deck his own partner. FU. One two three. (2:02) Nuts to Sakoda and Akio! Nuts to this! Josh wonders if Rene will suffer the same fate, of having nuts flinged at him. There's a Rico/Haas match here, somewhere.

Your not ready for primetime players are still Bill and Josh. Interesting choice in the salmon shirt by Josh. Thanks to Bill (and also Josh), Velocity in prime time. Josh thinks Bill might be crazy in the head.

Tonight: John Bradshaw Layfield vs Funaki! If Funaki wins, he could headline Judgment Day!!!
Tonight: Rey Mysterio vs Jamie Noble. Oh. 

So, we get about ten seconds of black screen here when we should be back on Velocity, and when it comes back on

Mirror in the ring, and Teddy Long is talking. Make your obvious joke here. Anyway, he almost exactly says the same thing as last week and

Mark Jindrak (no hometown, no weight, w/Theodore R. Long) vs Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 207 pounds) - Teddy is seriously gay again this week. "DOLLA DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y'ALL" Feud with Shane! Over entrance music! I need a new hobby. SHANNON MOORE CUT HIS HAIR! WHAT THE HECK! Is anyone going to even mention this? They're having that problem with going to a black screen as they bring up/remove graphics. It's something someone should've caught, especially on a week they're actually trying. Back to Shannon's hair: We've got this PPV coming up, with no undercard set up, right? And Chavo's got no challenger, yet. Setting aside the reasoning behind hair cuts, couldn't you have at least taken care of a couple problems by doing a title/hair match at the PPV? Why waste an opportunity like that? Meanwhile, Bill is talking about how he doesn't watch Afterburn. Lockup, Mark throws Shannon down. Shannon thrown in the corner, back elbow, back elbow. Corner whip, Shannon gets his feet up, Jindrak catches them and throws Shannon out. Teddy will - not get involved, okay. Announcers note Shannon's hair cut with really bad jokes. Shannon in, and takes the hiptoss bump into the corner buckle. Somewhere in the production booth, someone hits the wrong switch and the announcer's mics turn up a lot. Jindrak with a Torture Rack? Might as well. That's kinda funny and I'm hoping a forearm is next. Corner whip, no back the same way, Shannon kips up, Jindrak catches sand tosses him, Shannon lands on the apron, shot to Jindrak's midsection, shot to Jindrak's forearm, Shannon to the top rope, Jindrak with a big forearm to stop him. Jindrak grabs Shannon by the hair, and flips him off the top rope so he lands on his face. Mark of Excellence, one two three (1:54) You know, I'm noticing a trend here on the New Velocity.

Up Next: Rey Mysterio vs Jamie Noble

SmackDown! Live

5/2 - El Paso, TX
5/3 - Odessa, TX
5/4 - Tucson, AZ
5/8 - Charlotte, NC
5/9 - Columbia, SC

Y2J Stinger Open Challenge - so, either they calling up TE Matt or Carly Colon? or Chavo brings in a stooge under a mask but shockingly Rey switches places with him. 

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 198 pounds) vs Rey Mysterio (San Diego, CA, 175 pounds) - This better not go 1:46. Jamie's lost some weight. Circle. Lockup, Jamie with a waistlock, Rey looking for a way out, Jamie spinning him out, leg trip, one, Rey out into a sing le leg but Jamie not going. Rey spins and gets it, standing toe hold, Jamie keeping his shoulder up and Rey from doing more, scissoring with the other leg into a drop toe hold. Jamie on Rey's back, chinlock, up into a sitting position but Rey slips out into an armbar, into a hammerlock. Jamie looking for a takedown but it's not going to work here. Both up, Rey with a wristlock to force Jamie to his knees. Jamie back to his feet, front roll, back cartwheel, slip under Rey's armpit, Northern Lights Suplex with no bridge, sitting on top with a wristlock. Double wristlock pin, one two no. Noble tries to put all his weight on Noble, Rey catches him with his knees and uses the leverage to monkey flip to his feet and up into a reverse headscissors, rolling down Noble's back for a sunset flip one two NO. Both guys back away, though Rey's much more confident. Circle. Lockup, Nobel with an armbar, wristlock. Noble with a forward roll, forward one arm cartwheel to reverse the armbar, but Jamie quickly kicks him. Hard knife edge chop. Right hand. Crowd getting on Jamie? Not quite in synch. Whip, Rey slides under, Jamie with a single leg into a cover one two no. Noble kicks, back suplex but Rey lands on his feet, Rey waistlock, Noble switch, Rey rushes to the ropes, Noble rebounds backwards alone, Rey Quebrada one two NO. Headlock, swinging takedown by Rey, Noble fighting to keep his arm up, shoulder down one two no. Jamie trying to his own submission from the mat but no luck. Up to their feet, Noble trying to back suplex out but Rey blocks it, jumping headlock takedown. Noble looking for a way out. Up to their feet, elbows, Rey shot off, over, run over by a Noble elbow smash one two Rey gets a shoulder up one two no. Noble forcing Rey with a double wristlock there, and Rey is able to use them to help kip up. Noble kicks one wristlock separated, falls to the mat and quickly spins on his back, scissoring the remaining wristlocked arms (Rey's left) with his legs, then twists his legs to try and break Rey's elbow! It's not broken but it's quite a bunch of pain. Stomp to the arm, hammerlock and Jamie runs Rey across the ring into the corner post. Fade to black, and a commercial. (4:24)

Noble stomping on Rey's left shoulder area as we return. Armbar, Rey flipped to the mat, legdrop to the arm, knee drop to the arm, twisting the arm. Rey trying to find away out, rolling over to his stomach, but Noble switches to a top wristlock. Rey tries to kick out, but punches to the head work better. off the ropes, bodyscissors cradle one two NO. Noble decks Rey with a clothesline to stop that. Kick to the back. Rey pulled over to the corner so Jamie can stretch the left arm around the ropes. Dropkick to the back as Rey's in the corner, nice. One two no. Legdrop on the arm. To a hammerlock. Rey drawing form the crowd, getting to his feet, right hands to the midsection, Noble stops that with a right. Whip, Rey with a spinning headscissors - into a fujiwara armbar! Always awesome. Jamie crawling for the ropes, but not getting there. Battling to his feet, and Rey's pulled by the rights into the middle buckle, head first. Noble ignores the warning about the hair pull. Hammerlock. Rey trying to escape via back elbow, but Noble's taking 'em. Rey tries a jumping headlock takedown - no, Rey released on the way down, sending Jamie into the corner buckle shoulder first! Neat spot. Both men down and working with one arm. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Rey's almost up. Seven. Rey trying to kick Jamie's chest in, repeatedly. Rey jumps to the second rope, springboard onto Jamie's shoulders. turning around into a 'rana, no cradle. Wheel kick hits, one two NO. Rey managing to stay in control this time, kicking Jamie in the ribs to keep him down. Corner whip, reversed, Jamie charges into Rey's boot. Rey charges out, Noble tosses him up but Rey drops on him with a dropkick. Jamie collapses into the corner, so of course its time for - hey, a running dropkick to the face, that's much better! Rey drags Jamie away from the corner, to the second rope, Rey clutches his shoulder before climbing all the way up, rope flip moonsault! One two NO! Josh is a RVD fan from way back. Rey's only in slightly better shape right now, but gets in a small knee to Jamie's head. Whip, reversed, Jamie misses a clothesline, Rey with a springboard cross body, Noble rolls through, CROSS ARM BREAKER! Josh: "FUJIWARA ARMBAR!" (Nope.) Rey's trying to block it form being full extended by keeping his far shoulder off the mat. Jamie tries to force Rey down with his legs, but Rey uses that opening to spin towards the ropes. Not close enough, but Rye stalls for more time by locking his hands. Jamie yanks Rey's arm, pulling the arm he needs free, and now Rey's only remaining option it to get to the ropes. Rey's a bit frantic, reaching for a rope that's still a couple inches away with his foot. Rey waves his arm - Josh thinks it might be tap for a second - but is able to slide over just enough to get his foot on the ropes. Jamie takes his time letting go, and he cant' believe this isn't over. Rey to the apron, Jamie reaches over to get to him, forearms to the gut form Rey. Rey slingshot sunset flips in, but Jamie catches him - Northern Lights suplex with bridge one two NO! Jamie can't believe that either. Whip, reversed, dueling kicks to the gut work!, Jamie tries another kick but Rey catches it, Jamie spun around, Rey clothesline is caught and Jamie feeds him into the Tiger Driver setup. Lift, running (!), Rey 'ranas out, sending Jamie into the ropes. It's time for a call - 619 knocks Jamie 2/3rds the way across the ring. Jamie starts to get up to all fours, but Rye's going a bit quicker - Dropping the Dime! One two THREE (6:53, 11:17) Josh says "a ***** match by Jamie Noble and Rey Mysterio", but then they always say that. *** 1/2 sounds good, though I could've use Rey selling that arm more so I'm not sure. And that's why I don't do that. Turning Point: Rey using the headscissors into armbar (Bill says "spinning armbar" which sounds almost right but not) and Jamie being run into the post - hey, Jamie never followed up on selling on that either, thanks for pointing that out, Bill. Turning point totally should've been Rey fighting out of the cross arm breaker.

Up Next: Eddie Guerrero vs the Dudley

They wouldn't call a show "the 52 best drivers" and just have NASCAR guys on, would they? I don't really want to know.

Still to come: Funaki vs JBL! Really.

Really, I thought they'd do Eddie vs D-Von two weeks in a row. We see all of :32 of this match. (3:15) Not that I'm complaining about 3:15 of video packages.
SmackDown: Rob Van Dam and WWE Champion Eddie Guerrero vs the Dudley Boyz
SmackDown: the Undertaker

Up Next: John Bradshaw Layfield vs Funaki

Godsend "I will slap the dead off the Undertaker" - and then he DID

SmackDown #1 Announcer? Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds) vs John Bradshaw Layfield (New York City, 297 pounds, via limo) in a theoretical number one contenders match - Bradshaw requested this match as a warm up match for Eddie. Now that he's not wearing pants, you can check out the big knee brace on Bradshaw. He's got JBL in gold on his trunks. I wonder if they still have the overrun with no Confidential? I'm thinking no. Lockup, walking Funaki into the corner, which is apparently a football move according to Josh. Funaki with a chop, knee, right, right, right, whip, big boot. Funaki thrown into the corner, chop, boot to the head. Boot. Kick, and Funaki goes out. Ring step smash. Into the time keeper table. Bradshaw throws chairs into the ring to get them out of his way, which annoys Bill. Korderas pushes them back out. Funaki whipped into the steps. Funaki is bleeding from the head? On Velocity? Well, there's your TV 14. Back in. Right to the head. Elbow drop. Elbow drop. Elbow drop. Funaki picked up, Funaki thrown out. Forearm. Bill is mad at Bradshaw for beating a man up in a professional wrestling match. Shame. Whip into the barricade. Bill: "This is not entertainment anymore, junior!" Are they going to get counted out? Right. Josh implies that no one's making the save here because GM Angle isn't allowing them to, and not because it's a freaking Bradshaw/Funaki match on Velocity. Right to the head. Right. Foot to the head. Bill: "Bradshaw is kicking the crap out of Sho Funaki on Velocity, and this is not what I signed on for! I have nothing more to say, get this match over with!" All the while, we see Bill sit at the booth passively in the background of this shot. Josh: "It's hard to watch." Big powerbomb. Over? No, more punches. Korderas warns about a closed fist. Huge short clothesline. Another? Yea, why not. One two three. (3:34) Bradshaw does Hook 'Em Horns with bloody fingers for the Okie crowd. Bill: "This is just a disgusting display of manhood!"

And out, on the honor.

Ride with Funkmaster Flex is next.