Scary: So I was thinking about what Bill DeMott had to say (1) about the Jamie Noble/Nidia stuff (2), and it occurred to me that if you think like DeMott is thinking (3), he makes complete sense (4). Ignoring those 4 times up there where I'm questioning my own sanity, if you presume that Nidia really isn't blind (which Bill is), then you shouldn't feel bad about Nidia getting put in harmful positions by Noble, since it's all part of their evil plan.

TV 14 DLV cc entertainment open usual

the Basham Brothers (Columbus, OH, 495 pounds, w/Shaniqua, c) vs Ultimo Dragon & Funaki (Japan, 393 pounds) for the WWE Tag Team Titles - Hmm, title match. Oh wait. Chimel figures that they're both from places in Japan, he can use the whole country. I like how Ultimo has to teach Funaki how to do the fire bit every time they team. Funaki has a new white SmackDown! T-Shirt. This team is 1-3, never having beat a non-local team. Ultimo is pumped to start this match. And he'll get - Danny, okay. Circle. Bill notes that the tag team champions (either way!) will not be a part of Rumble, because they lost to TSPWGTT (and Big Show and, uh, no one.) Lockup, Danny with a waistlock and shoves Ultimo away. Ultimo takes a look at his surroundings. Look at the Mexico flag. Lockup, Danny with a knee. Elbow to the head. Forearm kinda makes Ultimo jump. Forearm to the head. Whip, clothesline missed, Ultimo with a headscissors takedown, Danny's head nearly driven into the mat. Danny is a little out of it, so Ultimo works in the soccer kick to the back, soccer kick to the chest, one two NO. Stomp. Tag to Funaki. Double whip, sorta pose, double double chop. Funaki waits for Danny to turn, and adds the dropkick to the head. One two no.

Josh: "I think Dragon and Funaki are a pretty formidable duo, Bill!"
Bill (completely disbelieving): "Why?"
Josh: "...I dunno, I just do. You don't think so?"
Bill: "Because they share the same entrance, that makes them a formidable duo?"
Josh: "It was a pretty impressive entrance though - fire and stuff like that. Funaki wearing the Smack Your TV shirt, smack our TV right here on Velocity!"

Funaki with right hands, corner whip, reversed, kip is caught and tossed to the apron, Funaki gets the shoulder to the midsection, but Shaniqua sweeps the legs before he can do any more. Korderas was too busy getting Ultimo this corner. Funaki getting counted out now, but Danny goes to out to bring him back in. Tag to Danny. Josh wishes he had Shaniqua's boots. The context doesn't make it any better. Double press slam onto the ropes. Doug with a stomp, stomp, stomp, picking his spot, stomp, one two no. Snap mare, elbow to the head. Bill says Royal Rumble periods are 90 seconds. Elbow to the head. Step over neck vice, sure. I think that's an illegal hair pull. Doug relent to tag in Danny. Hold Funaki for a punch. Stomp. Stomp. Danny waiting for Funaki, and Funaki punches him low. Apparently Shaniqua's taken care of that are, or it wasn't well aimed enough, because Danny's not affected and Funaki's forearmed back down. Danny with a jab, jab, jab, wipe my face right hand. One two no. Kneeling neck vice. Josh remembers that, last time they were on Velocity, the Bashams beat a "lucha libre style tag team." Clapping is rallying Funaki up, punching out but thrown down by his hair. Bill gets on Josh for calling this a "makeshift duo" after his earlier comments. Funaki grabs the middle rope, Danny pulls him up by one leg, and Funaki kicks him in the head with the other. Can Danny make the tag? He's a foot anyway, so he can. Doug in, but Funaki kicks him away, tag to Dragon. Right blocked, kick not blocked. Again. Clothesline ducked, Dragon Three Kick Combo. Springboard dropkick sends Danny to the floor. Doug stops this for a second with a kick to the midsection, but back suplex is escaped and Dragon hoods a reverse bodyscissors cradle one two NO. Quebrada one two NO. Chop. Whip, head down too soon and Doug kicks it. Forearm to take Funaki out of the apron, but he's lost tack of Dragon - spinning back kick to the midsection. Making the pose, but taking too long, Asai DDT is shoved off. Dough charges Ultimo in the corner, Ultimo sends him to the apron and forearms him there. Shaniqua jumps on the announce side of the apron to argue with Korderas while Danny comes in on the ramp side - Danny with a rollup as Doug falls to the floor, Korderas looks back to see a Basham cradling Ultimo (missing a tights pull) one two three. (5:47) Champions retain. Josh wonders what was up with Korderas there, so it's time for the Turning Point. Korderas loses track of which Basham is wish when he goes to argue with Shaniqua, and makes bad assumptions when he sees a cover.

Tonight: Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin vs Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty - both guys note that the last time we saw Too Cool, they were fighting each other.

Up Next: 4 v 2 - or maybe not.

JVC Soap For Dinner of Two Weeks Ago

Big Show and Brock talk about who needs who backstage. Turns out that Brock could've used Show a little more, and Show could've used a set of forklift keys. Guess his neck is fine. (8:54)

Royal Rumble: Yes! All thirty men! Going right to left, up to down: Rhyno, The Cat, Tajiri, Nunzio, John Cena, Matt Morgan, Charlie Haas, Bradshaw, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Benoit, A-Train, Rikishi, Chris Jericho, Billy Gunn, Rene Dupree, Randy Orton, Rob Van Dam, Scott Steiner, Mark Henry, Goldberg, Hurricane, Kane, Matt Hardy (Version One), Test, Christian, Spike Dudley, Rico, Booker T. Josh says "the Royal Rumble is the greatest 60 minutes in the WWE!", so I guess the ending sequence will go 18 minutes or so.
Official Theme Song: "Nothing Left To Lose" by Puddle of Mudd

YJ Stinger WM Recall: Jake Roberts (w/Alice Cooper) vs Honky Tonk Man (w/Jimmy Hart), 1987

Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 240 pounds) vs Matt Longtime (235 pounds, already in the ring) - Josh (riffing off an ad): "Being here with you Bill, that never gets old." Bill (laughing) "It's getting old right now." Josh makes fun of Matt's pants while Bill yells at Orlando for daring to smile in the face of Not Being In The Rumble. Lockup, Matt with a waistlock, Orlando looking for a way out, side, nope, side, nope, legs, nope, armdrag, sure. Armbar. Matt is in tremendous pain form this armbar. Back up their feet, then back to the mat via a inside cradle one two no. Orlando keeps on with a front facelock, then into a hammerlock. Bill reminds us that not only did the loss last week cost "OJ" his shot at the Rumble, but his "undefeatedness" on Velocity. This Matt backs Orlando into the corner, then works in a back elbow. Side headlock.

Josh: "Maybe Orlando Jordan is smiling because Jennifer Lopez finally broke up with Ben Affleck"
Bill [usual pop culture pause]: "... Is that the guy who married Britney Spears?"
Josh [knowingly walking right into it]: "No, that's Jason Alexander-"
Bill: "The Seinfeld guy!"
Josh: [pauses, goes back to calling the match]
Bill: "You're doing it again."
Josh: "I'm doing what?"
Bill: "You're ignoring me."
Josh: "Alright, let's talk about one of your favorrrrrite subjects, okay? The Cruiserweight Title on the line at the Royal Rumble-"
Bill: "Yes!"

Matt is shot off form the headlock, back with a shoulderblock. Calling Orlando back up for a mighty headlock. Headlock takedown. Sounded like the crowd started to turn on the match and the audio mix guy turned on them. Back to their feet. Orlando with elbows, shot off, Matt back with a shoulderblock. By god, I think I have seen this before! Matt over, under, into a hiptoss. Armdrag nearly goes horribly wrong, this one isn't much better. Armbar. When I say I like the trend of longer matches, I guess I got myself into trouble. Matt backs Orlando back in the corner, break, Matt swings, Orlando ducks. Kick. Corner whip is blocked, and Matt forearms Orlando instead. Hammerlock, and Orlando runs Orlando into the corner. Laaaame armbar. Forearm to the arm, forearm the arm. Orlando trying to fight out of the armbar but his punches aren't enough. Shoulder to the shoulder. Armbar with absolute no ferocity or much pressure. Orlando decides it's enough to go to one knee again. Trying to punch out of this hold. I'm trying to punch out of this match. Orlando slams his way out of the armbar, but his arm hurts a lot. Matt kicks Orlando arm, whip, Orlando back with a cross body. Big back elbow, dropkick. Whip  looks wrong, backdrop by Orlando. "WHAT" Jab jab jab jab shuffle big right. Orlando would like Matt to get up. Loading him up on his shoulder, wandering around aimlessly shoulder powerslam one two three. (4:17) That was only four minutes? It didn't feel that way.

Tonight: WGTT vs Too Cool
Up Next: Guerrero/Guerrero vs Guerrero/Angle

SmackDown! Live
01/25 - Philadelphia, PA [Royal Rumble]
01/26 - Reading, PA [SD!RTWMXX]
01/27 - Washington, DC [SD!]
02/01 - Pittsburgh, PA [SD!RTWMXX]
02/02 - Toledo, OH [SD!RTWMXX]

Your announcers are Bill and Josh (one T), who set up this video package:

Angle with the anti-pep pep speech, sorta. And then the match. Unlike Angle not to finish a match... "Chavo has made the tag! Chavo is the lega man!" (6:27)
Royal Rumble: Eddie Guerrero vs Chavo Guerrero
Royal Rumble: Rey Mysterio (c) vs Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) for the Cruiserweight Title
Royal Rumble: Brock Lesnar (c) vs Hardcore Holly for the WWE Tag Team Title
Royal Rumble: Going right to left, up to down: Rhyno, The Cat, Tajiri, Nunzio, John Cena, Matt Morgan, Charlie Haas, Bradshaw, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Benoit, A-Train, Rikishi, Chris Jericho, Billy Gunn, Rene Dupree, Randy Orton, Rob Van Dam, Scott Steiner, Mark Henry, Goldberg, Hurricane, Kane, Matt Hardy (Version One), Test, Christian, Spike Dudley, Rico, Booker T.

Tonight: Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin vs Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty

YJ Stinger WGTT advance - but shouldn't they have a title rematch pending?

the Self Proclaimed World's Greatest Tag Team (489 pounds) vs Too Cool (567 pounds) - I remember how I used to root for a tag team name just so it'd be less to type. I don't know if I'm supposed to still be calling the other guys that name since they've stopped using it. Back to Two Week Ago, where Rikishi got in the Rumble at Scotty's expense. Bill makes the case that Rikishi could've gone for the pin after the thrust kick but did the Bonzai Drop too. No issues with them right now. Josh talked to Scotty - he's a little upset, but thinks they're back on the same page. Rikishi and Haas to start. Haas isn't sure how to deal with this. Lockup, Haas pushed into the corner, clean break, no, Haas knee. Kick, kick, kick, right, right, Haas backs off, gets grabbed by the neck and thrown in the corner, right, right, right, right, right for Shelton, right for Haas. In a digression, they argue whether "Emmett" Smith is a clown (Bill - I can find an Emmett Kelly, but not a Smith) or a football player (Josh). Josh, showing his Greater Chicago Area roots, picks Bozo (T. Clown) as his subsidize clown, although I don't think Bill has a shirt for him. Whip of Haas, thrust kick, no, Shelton grabs Haas and pulls him out, right into the desk. They regroup while Rikishi waits - time for a break? Sure. (1:01)

Back, and we've got Scotty (clapping) vs Haas (not clapping.) Crowd claps, and Bill points out it doesn't help as Scotty gets kicked and drug over to Shelton for a tag. Shelton with a knee, suplex. Shelton mocks the claps. Stomp. Armbar. Twist. Scotty spinning around, no a forward roll and a forward kip up to reverse into a headlock. Shoved, Shelton's hiptoss is blocked, Scotty's hiptoss is blocked, Scotty with the Cruiserweight Flip out,  Escape, Shelton's clothesline is too high and Scotty hits the a clothesline off the ropes. Scotty with a right hand, Corner whip - no back the same way. Scotty notices that Shelton is staggering into position, off the ropes, bulldog is ducked, , Scotty turns around just in time to be kicked and thrown out. Haas's attempt at an attack goes bad for him, Scotty gets a shoulder for Shelton but misses Shelton tagging out to Haas as he slingshot sunset flips in. Scotty holds the pin, but no count as Haas breaks it up. Bill picks Chavo, Josh picks Eddie. Haas stretching Scotty's left arm over the ropes, setting him up for a Shelton punch while he distracts the ref. Shelton pretending nothing happened is pretty good. Stomp. Step over armbar. Bill disputes the notion that Kurt is winning for the Troops - "Kurt's in it for Kurt!" Shelton was the outside leverage. Tag to Shelton., hold for a stomp on the left arm. Bill: "This is a selfish, selfish sport. Sports Entertainment is selfish." Shelton with a big shoulderbreaker one two NO. Armbar. Scotty gets the ropes, but apparently not long enough for the break. Shelton with a knee to the arm, tag to Haas, Slingshot stomp to the left arm. Hammerlock, though it seems like Haas should be under the ropes. Tag to Shelton for his own slingshot stomp to the arm. Bill makes the point that even if Benoit goes through 28 other men, he knows he has to worry about Goldberg at 30. Scotty crawling for a tag, Shelton just watching him, but stepping on him before Scotty can get close. Shelton's now taking time out to hold Scotty back while taunting Rikishi to come in. SPIT! Rikishi is not pleased, but he does not come in. Shelton with a knee, whip, clothesline misses, Shelton with a big triple spin side slam. One two NO. Tag to Haas. Kick by Haas. Armbar on the bad arm. Tightening up. Bill thinks Rikishi should just leave Scotty in, rather than risk injury this close to the Rumble. Scotty rallying up, but he's still a bit away. Moving the hold towards Rikishi, a hands length away but Haas moves him back. Scotty rallying with right hands, off the ropes, jumps but Haas catches him short. Scotty with a right hand, Haas ducks, back suplex but Scotty lands on his feet - tag to Rikishi. Rikishi ducks a clothesline, right for Haas, right for Shelton, right for Haas, right for Shelton. Double clothesline for everyone. Spear-like on Hass knocks Shelton out of the ring in the process. Haas manages to get back up, just to take a thrust kick. What now? Haas is in position, so Rikishi makes the wave like motion to Scotty. Okay? Yep. Tag to Scotty. Scotty's left arm heals enough to pulls this off W O R M woo woo who who who ha.  One two th-Shelton breaks it up. Rikishi punches Shelton out of the ring, but Brian Hebner forces him to go the corner. Haas with a corner whip, charge but no one's home. Shelton pushes him in the corner, one two three four five and pushed off with an inverted atomic drop, holding him there as Shelton sneaks back in - superkick! Jacknife cover while Shelton holds Rikishi off one two three! (7:38) Haas is ecstatic. You know, can't help but think that if Rikishi would've just finished off Haas rather than tagging Scotty, maybe things would've gone a little better. Replay of the finish where Bill won't call a Superkick a Superkick.

Royal Rumble! Confidential.