WWE Velocity - 09/13/03

TV 14 DLV CC Entertainment open fireworks – why do they still have fireworks for these shows if they can’t afford SmackDown ones?

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV 200 pounds, w/Nidia) vs who betta than Kanyon – your announcers are Josh, Tazz, and Tazz’s people. Tazz makes fun of Nidia’s unique (fake) mink coat, sundress, and white flip flop outfit. Josh explains the concept of bling bling to Tazz. Circle. People still think Kanyon sucks. Tazz speculates that the all of $200 or $300 is left from Noble’s inheritance. Josh thinks Nidia should use some of that money on a personal trainer (hey!) because she and Torrie will be taking on That Amazon Shaniqua in a handicap match (oh.) Lockup, Kanyon with an armbar, twist, Noble rolls forward, cartwheel back, reverse to his own armbar, short into a hammerlock. Kanyon steps behind to reverse. Nobel drops low, drop toe hold. Josh and Tazz have issues with Kanyon’s shaving habits. Jamie with an armdrag, armbar on the ground. Josh hits his Noble lines. Kanyon up, forcing Jamie into the corner. Shoulder, shoulder. Pulling him out, point of the elbow to the head. Kanyon with a headlock, rights, shot off into the ropes and Kanyon is back with a shoulderblock. Kanyon off the ropes, over, into a hiptoss. Noble with a dropkick to knee, off the ropes, dropkick to the upper chest one two no. Kanyon hides himself in the corner to escape Jamie’s punch, despite Jamie telling him to “c’mon!” Jamie stomps Kanyon clear out of the ring. “WHAT’S MY NAME?” Tazz points out that it’s Jamie Noble. Pescado, Kanyon slides in so Noble stops himself on the apron. Waiting for Kanyon to turn around, shoulder to the gut, turnbuckle smash. Noble going up top – cross body one two no. Noble with a whip, head down too soon so Kanyon throws him by the back of the head. Kanyon with a kick, throwing Noble shoulder first into the post. Time for Kanyon to do something wacky – ah, it’s his sitting on the top rope Boston Crab. Tazz was unaware that Kanyon was the innovator of offence (according to Josh.) “I’ve never seen a Boston Crab applied for that, but there’s probably a reason. Kanyon lets go because of the five count, but knees Noble so he’s under the bottom rope, stomach facing the corner post, and Kanyon can hit a running sliding dropkick to the back. Kanyon to the second rope for his superplex in. Tazz wonders why he just didn’t put Noble on the turnbuckle to do it – he doesn’t know if it was any more effective than a traditional superplex. Kanyon with a chinlock, Noble startrs to stand up from it and Kanyon gives him a boot. Kanyon starts to go for a surfboard, but Noble drops to his back and kicks Kanyon away. Up – and Kanyon knees him. Whip, Noble with a inside cradle one two no. Kanyon clothesline misses, Noble crossbody is caught, Kanyon turns it into a vertical suplex, one two no. Kanyon with a corner whip, Noble kips up, Kanyon steps under (still facing the center of the ring) and catches Noble’s legs. He’s got Jamie up in Alabama Slam position and drops him down similar, but sits down with the move (like the BK Bomb.) Josh says it’s the Kanyon Bomb one two NO. Now Kanyon is going up? Ah, the flying nothing. Tiger Bomb (Tazz: “Tiger Driver”) but Kanyon with a double leg takedown. Kanyon holds on to the legs – slingshot into the corner. Noble may have hit the post. Noble rebounds into a back suplex, but flips out and lands on his feet, reverse bodyscissors one two (pulls the tights) three. (5:31) Tazz: “Even though Noble had the tights, I’m pretty sure he still would’ve got the win there.” Because of the weight and leverage and Tazz doesn’t dig Kanyon’s style, I think.

Later: Funaki and Ultimo Dragon vs the Self Proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag Team
Up Next: Brian Urlacher in a street fight? Well it’s not like he has a football team to play for.

SmackDown Live!
September 14 – Richmond, VA
September 15 – East Carolina University, NC
September 16 – Raleigh, NC [SD!]
September 20 – New York, NY

They’re not half naked poses on WWE magazines, they’re “expressions of beauty.” Okay.

Three weeks ago: Cena spoiled Eddie’s homecoming. (:28)
Two weeks ago: Cena stole Eddie’s low rider (:09)
One Week ago: Cena vs Eddie in a street fight. I’m not a fan of blood, but how did you have all those “person’s body part shatters glass” spots without it? How come no one seemed to notice that Chavo put the belt on his shoulder and kept it there? There’s your hint how this one might be breaking down. (8:40)

Still to come: Stephanie vs Brock

Once Upon A Time In Mexico, Torrie managed to lay out someone

The Basham Brothers (Columbus OH, 495 pounds, w/Shaniqua) vs Poker Face and Scott Vantastic (already in the ring, 420 pounds) – New music? Eh. Too quiet. Tazz: “Hey Josh, ever been whipped by a girl?” Josh: “Not recently, but I know why that hum is in the Basham’s music – these guys love Hummers!” Tazz: “They both got the truck.” Basham’s get whipped in the butt pre-match. Josh says he looks up “domantrix” in the phone book everyday. Announcers have some inside joke about Poker Face (something he did earlier in the day?) which we’re not privy to but is apparently outrageously funny to these two guys. But then they also entertain themselves with “Vantastic” so who knows. I believe making fun of “Vantastic” is the point of having that name anyway. Scott and Doug to start – lockup, Doug forces Scott into the corner, Scott tries to turn it around so Doug takes it to the middle of the ring, Scott turns it into a headlock, shot off and back with a shoulderblock. Cover, one no. Scott back on the headlock. Tazz: “With a name like Vantastic, you’d think he’d have a headlock applied properly.” Josh says the Fantastics were one of his favorite tag teams back in the day – Tazz rattles off Tommy Rogers and Bobby Fulton with little difficulty. Danny makes the blind tag, Doug shoves Scott off into the ropes, Doug drops down and Danny hits a clothesline. Danny off the ropes, elbowdrop, Tazz makes fun of the added crowd noise. Danny with an elbow to Pokerface on the apron. Tazz: “Watch out, Basham, you don’t want to get him hot!” Tazz slips and calls him Jokerface. While Sparks is arguing with Pokerface, Doug makes the non tag – double flapjack on to the top rope. Doug talks trash, drops the leg one two no. Tazz wonders if we’re going to see the Ball and Gag (Josh wonders if we’re talking about the match still) as Doug uses his crossface clubbing forearms. Danny tagged in, gives a forearm to the back of Doug. Tazz and Josh wonder if Vantastic is his real name. Scott corner whip, Danny charges in, boot up but Danny catches in and clotheslines Scott hard. Boot choke. Danny with slam. Tag to Doug, Doug second rope pump elbow drop one two Pokerface breaks it up. Tazz warns again about getting Pokerface hot. Tag to Danny Doug holds so Danny can get a shot. Danny forces Scott down. Tazz stumbles over “Doctor of Thuganomics – I don’t have my tongue applied correctly on Saturday Nights.” Danny with something in the chinlock family. Jawbreaker escape by Scott. Can he finally make the tag? Tag to Doug. Doug tries with a boot, it’s ducked under, Scott rolls and jumps to the tag to Pokerface. Josh and Tazz go crazy for Pokerface getting in. Pokerface ducks Doug’s right, punch for Danny, kick for Dough, dropkick for Danny, kick catch enziguri for Doug. Tazz is using every cliché he knows, and at the same time “Pokerface, 145 pounds soaking wet with a brick in his pocket”. Anyway, Danny with a back suplex, Pokerface slips free, dropkick to Danny takes him out. Doug with a punch (as soon as Pokerface turns around), Pokerface ducks it (guess Doug should’ve have waited.) Pokerface with a waistlock, Doug rushes to the ropes, Pokerface pulls him back in a waistlock rollup, one two Danny pulls out the ref? Danny goes down like he’s dead, so Sparks accuses Mr. Vantastic of doing it. That’s quite a leap of logic, and while Sparks is arguing this, he’s missing Shaniqua come in to do her spot on Pokerface – kick, powerbomb. Tazz: “Thanks for coming Pokerface, go back to tap dancing.” Doug covers, Sparks back in one two three (3:39) Tazz: “That’s probably one of the biggest wins for the Bashams ever.” Shaniqua says they’re not done. Pokerface gets stomped down. Scott takes a leg lariat. Danny lifts Vantastic to Doug on the second rope – second rope spinebuster. Replay of (Tazz: “Jokerface”) getting powerbombed.

Up Next: the Animal vs Stephanie

Brock’s warmup match (7:38)

SmackDown: Kurt Angle (c) vs Brock Lesnar in a 60 Minute Iron Man Match for the WWE Title

Lugz Shannon Moore’s monthly SmackDown appearance

WWE Tag Team Champions the Self Proclaimed World’s Great Tag Team (489 pounds) vs Ultimo Dragon and SmackDown #1 Funaki (389 pounds ) in a non-title match – Tazz is impressed with Funaki’s power to cause Fire to appear. “He’s like the magic dragon!” Tazz says he’s got a magic stick, but Josh cuts him off to hype WMXX. Ultimo and Haas to start. Lockup, Haas with a single leg, into a front facelock, . Josh notes that Ultimo must’ve missed (or not been able to read) the memo about wearing orange. Tazz: “I’ve gotten past that Josh, I wish you would too.” Charlie with an armbar. Josh says that Tazz should call “Yoshi Numbers” and have him take care of it. Dragon kicks free of the armbar, right into the 5 Kick Combo. Haas backs off, Dragon tells him to c’mon, Haas locks up and forces Dragon into the corner. Knees. Corner whip, Haas charges in to hit a shoulder. Corner whip, reversed, Dragon hits a handspring elbow, snap mare, soccer kick to the back. Josh calls it a field goal kick. Tazz: “They don’t play football in Tokyo over there, nitz.” “They don’t play football in New York, just look at the Jets!” “You suck, how about that? I’m gonna put my foot in your ass!” “Oh, hey Cat, you’re back!” Tazz says Josh is a Packers fan and a Oilers fan – Josh points out there are no Oilers. Josh can’t claim to be from Chicago and be a Packers fan – there are laws against that sort of thing. Back in the match, Ultimo would like to keep beating Haas, but Haas decides he’s head enough of this. Tag in Shelton, tag in Funaki. Circle. Lockup no Shelton with a knee, forearm, forearm, face rack on the middle rope. Whip, reversed, Funaki slightly shoves Brian Hebner so he doesn’t see Ultimo delivering a kick from outside. Hmmm. Funaki with a whip, reversed, Funaki spinning headscissors. Dropkick to the face, one two no. Standoff. Shelton doesn’t want any of this either. Haas and Benjamin discuss. Shelton’s got a plan now, though Ultimo’s been tagged in the meantime. Lockup, no Shelton with a kick, Ultimo open hand slap, Shelton with a knee, corner whip, and Haas gets in a back elbow as Shelton distracts the ref – same move as Funaki pulled. Funaki’s unhappy at being plagiarized, but his arguing is leaving Ultimo open for a double team kick down. Haas back in without a tag, choke on the middle rope. Corner whip, Ultimo goes down. Josh: “Tazz, maybe you should save your voice, because you’ve got to call a sixty minute match this week.” Tazz: “Maybe you should kiss my ass.” Charlie with stomps and other kicks. One two no. Charlie with a front facelock, backing into his corner so Shelton can tag his way in. Tazz: “I’ll tell you what, when I need announcing advice from you, I…don’t. Or something like that.” Shelton with a forearm, knee, Ultimo striking back, there’s the double chops. Whip, reversed into a short clothesline, Ultimo ducks, they both hit side kicks and they’re both down. Immediately to the break. (3:32)

Back, and Haas is working over Ultimo – off the ropes, knee drop. He’s been stuck in the ring the whole break, we’re told. Shelton tagged in – slam onto Haas’ knee one two no. One two no. Shelton with an abdominal stretch. Is he going to reach for leverage? Thinking about it. Yep, there’s a helping hand to Haas. Josh doesn’t interrupt hype of Benoit/Rhyno to talk about it, which annoys Tazz. Tazz (as Heenan): “No, they’re not cheating, that’s just for leverage, what do you mean Josh? That’s not cheating – he was just shaking his hand because they’re champions!” Haas and Shelton switch with a no-tag as Funaki is arguing the leverage. Haas put on a step over armbar. Tazz is annoyed by the “Self Proclaimed” part of the name that Josh keeps saying. Haas rolls it over into a cradle, one two no. Tag to Shelton. Tazz: “I got an idea-.“ Josh to Tazz: “Yea, I got an idea - why don’t you stop hurting me with your words!” Tazz about dies, but lives to propose “Tazz Proclaimed World’s Worst Play by Play Guy Josh Matthews” Shelton with a knee. Right. Whip, Shelton backdrop but Ultimo lands on his feet, jumping heel kick. Dragon needs to make the tag. Tag to Haas, Haas charges in, kick is turned into the legsweep. Ultimo is extremely obviously in looking and back and waiting to make the tag to Funaki till Haas is close to tagging in Shelton again. There’s the tag to Funaki. Shelton doesn’t’ get tagged in, so I don’t know what Ultimo was waiting for. Ducks Haas’ clothesline, forearm for Shelton, Dropkick for Haas, ducks Shelton’s clothesline, kick catch enziguri for Shelton. Announcers note how this reminds them of Pokerface. Whip for Haas, reversed, Funaki with a crossbody, Haas catches it but Funaki once again reverses to a reverse DDT one two Shelton breaks it up. Ultimo on him with right hands. Whip, Ultimo’s got the ropes, Shelton charges and Ultimo drops down with the ropes, Shelton out. Haas charges, so Ultimo drops down and backdrops him out too. Funaki to the ropes, pesacdo is caught. Ultimo to the apron – Asai Moonsault! Funaki brings Haas back in and goes to the top rope. Waiting for Haas to turn around – cross body, Haas rolls through. Ultimo on the apron and Hebner turning to talk to him about coming in when there’s not a tag – Brian misses Haas picking up Funaki sill in the cross body as a target for Shelton to superkick. Haas with a front slam, Shelton knocks Ultimo off the apron, one two three (7:44) Shelton trash talks Funaki after getting his belt back – something about Funaki never beating this team, no matter who he picks as a partner.

Brock/Angle Iron Man match video package. We only go back as far as SummerSlam (2:27)