Spike Lee means we have to keep seeing this Angle/Rock Velocity ad, I bet.
TV 14 DLV CC entertainment open fireworks
SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds) vs John Cena (West Newbury, MA, 248 pounds) - your announcers are Cat and Josh. Matt Hardy, John Cena, and the Basham Brothers tonight. Cat is focused on other things: "Those Basham brothers, man, that's an up and coming team, man, but that beautiful tall glass of chocolate milk that escorts these guys to the ring, she's here tonight too, Shaniqua!" Josh: "I don't really drink chocolate milk. I drink beer. You should some drink beer too." "I think you're afraid of chocolate milk. I had chocolate milk, and I tell you what, you'll never go back." Anyway, Josh notes this a rematch from last week's SmackDown, and Cena may still be mad about Funaki's rap. Come to think of it, Funaki looks in a serious way on the way to the ring, but he's a serious man. I bet John has something to say right here.
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
I dominate Saturday Nights
From the second I hit the green screen
to wearing thongs and phony afros
on Confidential with Mean Gene
Hospitals are packed with wrestling fans
They're getting Saturday Night Fever
I'm scared of getting Mad Cow
that's why all I eat is beaver
And yo, I'm the best thing
you can see on weekends
Josh, you were scaring me backstage
doing those naked deep knee bends
Yo, yo yo, you stole my still last week
that's the reason I got hot, bro
I'm the best poetic genius
since Leapin' Lanny Poffo
Yo, I'm so - I'm so over the top
I'm giving censors fits
Forget the match, let's go to Hooters
so we can grab some 
Funny, wings doesn't rhyme there. Cat: "I'm going to Hooters, Josh, I'll see you later." Josh: "I'm going to the Max." Cena wants a handshake? Funaki decides why not. Right hand is ducked just in time and Funaki hits his own, right, right, whip, reversed, but Funaki's back with the spinning headscissors. Whip, dropkick no Cena's got the ropes. Cena tries an elbow drop but Funaki rolls out of the way. Back kick to the gut, corner whip, reversed, Funaki kips up but is caught, slips down the back, Cena pushed in the corner but grabs the ropes and pops back with a back elbow for Funaki. Clothesline knocks the life out of Funaki. Cena takes off his shirt [SHRIEK!] and gets to stomping. And then the talking. And then unwisely pulling Funaki up. Funaki with rights. Whip, reversed, cross body but Cena drops down and Funaki finds nothing but mat. Back to a stomp. Picking Funaki up. Suplex - ah, hanging if he can get Funaki to stay up. Couldn't at first. One two no. Chinlock. Cat argues that Haas/Benjamin don't need a name - I, on the other hand, need a name so I don't have to keep typing Haas/Benjamin. Funaki getting up to his feet, and there's a jawbreaker to escape. Off the ropes, there's the Funaki bulldog. Josh is talking about notTeamAngle calling in sick - Cat: "So what, you called in sick before." Josh: "Just once or twice." Cat: "When you were out drinking the night before." Josh quickly goes back to the match as Cat goads him. Funaki with right hands, corner whip, reversed, Cena charges in to a double boot. There's the slap. Cena too far away so, it'll be a jumping swinging DDT. Funaki is down and very slow to cover. Takes him a good 8 seconds - one two NO. Cat questions Josh when he says Funaki d. Cena would be an upset. Funaki with the punches. Off the ropes, you know, trying a crucifix rollup is akin to giving Cena an invitation to give you the FU. Cena is not one to refuse such invitations - FU one two three. (3:43) Funaki is now 0-2 in 2 weeks against Cena. Josh: "John Cena, the chief resident of Thuganomics in the WWE..."
Backstage, Orlando Jordan is shadow boxing. He'll be next.
06/22 - Hershey, PA
06/23 - Mohegan Sun, CN
06/24 - New York, NY [MSG, SD]
06/28 - Providence, RI
Hey, you think anyone at the New TNN cares that by putting those big teaser graphics on the scene in the last :15 seconds before a break a) completely covers up information the TV show is pointing out and b) signals to everyone that you should go change channels because they're going to break?
JVC First US Title Tournament Match of the Week.
A-Train (Boston, MA, 300 pounds) vs Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 240 pounds) - A-Train ignores his entrance smoke while power walking to the ring. Running the ropes at a high rate of speed, to the point that you think they might break. Then he goes to the announce table, grabs a folding chair and chucks in in the ring! And another! Stairs are tossed over. Announcers are scared. Hebner collects the chairs and throws them out, and A-Train pushes over the other set of stairs. Is he still mad about the Billy Gunn match? I just realized that Orlando's music was/is the Live Events music. Josh says Orlando has been an amateur boxer since the age of nine - the age of NINE? I don't see the sanity of nine year old boxing. Lockup - no, Orlando rolls under. A-Train does not look like a man to tick off tonight. Fans with the usual. Lockup, Orlando with an armbar. A-Train walks him into the corner. A-Train has no intention of a clean break - Hebner hooks his arm when he goes for the cheap punch. A-Train scares him away, then turns back to Orlando and eats forearm. Turnbuckle smash. Orlando spins around for a second and that gives A-Train an opening for a headbutt. A-Train with a whip, backdrop, Orlando lands on his feet and hits a clothesline, but A-Train isn't going down. Another clothesline, still standing up. Off the ropes again, A-Train goes for the scissors kick, Orlando ducks under (but just barely - A-Train partially comes down on him), A-Train runs him down with a shoulderblock. Turnbuckle smash, right, kick, right, kick. Announcers are unsure about why he's upset. Forearms to the back. A-Train with a right, then forearms to the back in the corner. A-train backs up, running corner smash. One two no. Cat is sure A-Train is in the US Tournament, and that's why he's focused. Josh says Harley Race. Cat tries to get Josh in trouble with Cole. A-Train with a knee. Right. Orlando with aright, right, right, A-Train hits a knee to stop that. Whip, Orlando runs into a shoulder. There's the bearhug. Cat tries to get Josh in trouble with A-Train. Orlando fading due to the bearhug. Me fading to the bearhug. Orlando coming back. Me not so much. Orlando bites the forehead. Dropkick. Cat: "That's a combination he learned from Mike Tyson - when your hands don't work, bite!" A-Train charges into a double boot, and then into a drop tope hold (stop it Josh). Forearm forearm forearm foot catch enziguri but A-Train is still now down. Leaning on the ropes but not down. Whip, reversed, A-Train misses a clothesline, Orlando with the punches in a bunch, but A-Train stops it all with the double choke. DeRailer reversed into a dropkick. Orlando going up - cross body connects one two NO. Orlando is pumped up - jab jab jab jab A-Train remembers he can block these and grabs a right cross. Lifting him up, and there's the Train Wreck one two three. (4:48)
Up next, fantastic pointless angle!
Ultimo Dragon Vignette. (:19)
Zach and Sable and Vince and Stephanie (6:19)
SmackDown this week is in MSG, home of WMXX
This Week: Undertaker/APA vs the FBI
This Week: Eddie Guerrero/Tajiri vs Sean O'Haire/Roddy Piper - Tajiri looks so happy to have a belt.
Backstage, the Basham Brothers talk in low whispers - Doug must be warning Danny not to give away that they're not brothers and that they really hate each other. Again. Anyway, who comes walking by but Matt Hardy (Version One). "Lookie lookie, it's just the two guys I was looking for. Doug, Danny, Basham Brothers, nice to me you. If I understand correctly, you guys have a match with my two MF-ers, Crash and Shannon, and if you guys didn't know, they're both in the doghouse of V1. I was wondering if you guys could have, rough them up tonight, teach them a little lesson, because I'm preoccupied tonight, I got a match myself. Could you guys do that for me?" Danny: "That's not a problem-" Doug: "because we dominate everybody we come across." [WHIP CRACK - everyone looks off camera. Matt gives a nice bugged eye look. Enter Shaniqua. Matt checks her out in ways that will surely annoy Lita as she addresses her team] "Don't you twp boys know that you're not to...speak without my permission? Shh. [turning around to face Matt] Matt. We got your request. And yes tonight, we well teach Crash and Shannon a lesson about tough love." "Really." "But you know, we're always looking for new people to take...to the next level." "Well thanks...but no thanks! I don't need anyone or anything, because I got MATTITUDE! [version one - walks out]" That is exactly how that should've happened.
Stacker 2 Undertaker wins/APA returns of Thursday. In this clip version, the FBI get nothing before the save - this is getting so blatant I wonder if there's some sneaky angle going on here I don't realize.
Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 220 pounds) vs Paul London (Austin, TX, 205 pounds, already in the ring) - Josh pretends like the Undertake needed help. Matt Fact: Matt digs Tortilla Soup. Matt has wrestled on 4 continents. Let me guess: North America (duh), Europe (various UK tours), Africa (SmackDown's South Africa tour, earlier this year) and I think - Asia? Maybe if he'd update his web page we'd know, but that's pot, kettle, black. Josh does not know the Tortilla Soup, but manages to top that by saying "that's pretty cool, Matt's wrestled on four of the nine continents, Cat." Cat doesn't know this is wrong, or he'd make fun of Josh for it. Josh tries to make it up with it by going over Paul London's background - "trained by Dory Funk Junior, 2003 Super 8 Champion, "London's Calling", I wonder if he's from London" - oh, he was doing so well. Cat is SURE he's from London, because they're both dopes. Lockup, shove in the corner, clean break - haha no, there's the shove. Lockup, armdrag by Matt. V1! Lockup. Paul with an armbar. reversed, into a wristlock, London rolls into a headscissors cradle one two no. Matt misses a clothesline, London with a inside cradle one two no. Matt up but backing off - and suckering Paul into a right hand, nice! That was a good punch too, because Paul stood there and took it. Pushed in the corner for some back elbows. Matt does not frame them. Another nice punch. Matt slow to follow and London back with forearms, forearm to the back to take London to one knee, off the ropes, London tries a kick, Matt catches it, London with a back flip escape, clothesline misses and Matt hits the Side Effect. Choke around the top rope. Matt hangs on for 4 and more. There's the running sit on the middle rope one two no. Josh: "We've seen [Vince] do some dirty, despicable and lowdown things here in the WWE, but never as low as he's doing to Zach Gowen." Cat: "But what about what you're doing to this company, stealing a check! You know, you don't deserve the money they're paying you, you lousy freak!" "I get paid in...uh, WWE Home Videos and DVDs." "What? Alright kid." "You don't get paid in actual money, do you?" "Alright kid, pay attention to the match. I don't even want to talk to you." Right. Whip, back elbow, leg drop for Double Impact. Paul is picked up, fighting with forearms, but Matt knocks him down with a forearm. Matt lifts him up in a Canadian Backbreaker, spinning into a neckbreaker! One two NO. Snap mare. Standing surfboard with the foot in the neck. Paul standing up - there's a Kangaroo kick escape. Paul to the corner, Matt charges in, Paul moves out of the way, then his a wheel kick. Paul to the ropes, springboard forearm, having a hard time with a cover, one two NO. Paul's right hand misses, Matt with a German so Paul can land on his feet, waiting for Matt to get up, flipping dropkick (Josh: "dropsault"). London charges Matt, Matt flips him to the outside, London blocks a right, hits a forearm. London with the outside to inside springboard moonsault! One two NO! London with a whip, reversed and Matt throws him out - but London got the top rope. Matt sees him on the apron, London drops him on the top rope. London to the top rope - SHOOTING STAR PRESS! but no one's home. I bet Kidman is ticked. Matt's all queued up - kick wham Twist Of Fate. Matt back up with the Crazy Intense. Matt picks London up to a You Suck chant. "VERSION ONE!" Twist Of Fate #2 one two three. (6:28) It sounds like sucking up if I say Matt is awesome every week (but he is)
Tonight: Shannon Moore/Crash vs the Basham Brothers w/Shaniqua)
Up Next: Did the ring collapse again? (Superplex teased)
Last week, it did. (1:22)
Cat: "You know these two guys can fight every day of the week. And you know what, you can always look forward to a seeing a great fight in the ring, you know. Just like me and you. It wouldn't last a minute because I'd beat the hell out of you, kid. You make me sick."
This week (3:31)
Thursday: Brock/Angle/America vs Show/Haas/Benjamin.
Wow, throw in the Ultimo match, and you've got 2/3rds of the card announced before a TV show.
Basham Brothers (Columbus, OH, 492 pounds, w/Shaniqua) vs
Crash (green) and Shannon Moore (409 pounds, w/Book) - Hey, they spelled her
name. Thanks. Cat: "You know you're a virgin, so you need to remain a
virgin." Josh: "I'm not a virgin! I don't know where you get your
information from, but it's all hearsay." Cat, later: "I need to go to
talk to someone to give you some tough love, kid. Any love would be good for
you, kid. You need some loving." Josh opts for Shaniqua, but Cat informs
him that he's out of his league. In the ring, Crash explains to Doug that the
book says he's a winner (and so is Shannon), and Doug needs to really read the
book. V1! Doug takes the book, checks out of a few pages. Gives it to Danny.
Danny checks it out. Over to Shaniqua, who has trouble with the cover falling
off [Josh is claiming he's had chocolate milk before - Nestle Nesquik]. Finally,
Shaniqua rips out pages, which greatly distresses Crash and leads him open to a
forearm. Forearm. Whip, reversed into a back elbow. Whip, clothesline. Tag to
Shannon. Double whip, drop toe hold, Shannon legdrop one two NO. Armbar. Doug
escapes with a knee. Tag to Danny, who walks into an armdrag. Hmm, I guess
SUMMIT are the faces here? Cat: "What's up with [Shaniqua], is she only
into wrestlers?" "I dunno, Cat, why don't you call her over here,
maybe she'll invite you to join the Basham's group." "You think
so?" "Probably not." Cat is offended. Shannon with a tag, armbar,
and Crash with the feared top rope punch. Armbar. Crank. Crank. Twist. Armbar.
Shannon manages to get distracted by Shaniqua and rush towards her for no
reason, allowing Doug to sneak in and forearm Crash. Double back suplex on him.
Double kip up! One Doug sticks in and Choida doesn't figure it out - Josh
explains that the hair is the way to tell (Doug has more, especially on the
face.) Doug covers one two no. Tag to Danny. Double hard corner whip. Stomps.
"Go Spurs Go" Chinlock. Crash rallying back, elbows, but Danny knocks
him down with a forearm. Shaniqua on the apron for no reason - ah, it's because
she's got psychic powers and knows that Crash will reverse a suplex into a small
package a good three seconds before it happens. Doug turns over the rollup, but
then Shannon comes in and turns it over. Shannon is caught, and Doug sneaks back
in to break it up with a stomp. Josh: "Choida was caught up with
Shaniqua" Cat: "I wish I was caught up with Shaniqua". Doug stays
in after the non tag. Slam. Going to the second rope, twisting splash one tow
no. Tag to Danny, and holding him for a forearm. Stomp. Forearm. Danny with a
slam and a tag. Doug goes for a pump splash but meets boot. Crash needs to make
that tag now - tag to Danny, tag to Shannon. Shannon ducks the clothesline and
clotheslines Danny. Dropkick to Danny. Wheel kick to Doug. Forearms to Danny,
corner whip, reversed, Danny charges into a double boot. Shannon goes up - Halo!
Josh calls it! One two NO-Doug breaks it up. Double back suplex - but Shannon
lands on his feet and hits a double dropkick. Doug thrown to the floor. Crash
in, setting up, sliding dropkick but Shaniqua pulls Doug out of the way. Back in
the ring, Shannon's whip is reversed - Russian legsweep with Doug adding a
running clothesline! Danny covers, Choida eventually over, one two three. (6:17)
Six Man on SmackDown!