TV 14 DLV entertainment Rock's sure in a lot of these opens for not being around at all fireworks snap crackle pop
Sign: The Rock Wants My Shirt
Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 195 pounds, w/Crash and the book, 10) vs Smilin' Bill DeMott (300 pounds) - Shannon's now got HIS V1 Entrance (spells name correctly, gets to 70%, "connection bad") and updated video, about time! Your announcers are Cat and Josh, who are hyped for Matt Hardy (version one) in action later. Oh no no no you're supposed to be Jamie Noble or Spanky or anyone else. And he's going to tell another joke. "Hold on a minute, I got another. I got a joke. Knock Knock. [WHO'S THERE] Knock Knock [WHO'S THERE] Knock Knock. [Ref: Who's there?] The little boy can't reach the door bell. THE LITTLE BOY CAN'T REACH THE DOOR BELL!" This is what it's like watching someone lose their mind. And by that, I mean Cat cracking up like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard in his entire life. Crash distracts Crash with a teased book shot, Shannon gets in an attack from behind, and I stop caring because this is the second or third time we've seen this match (by which I mean "DeMott vs Shannon", as opposed the 40th DeMott squash) and I bet it ends up the same way. DeMott tries screaming the punchline at random times to try go for the surreal laugh. Crash offers the book as a peace settlement, and it's just enough of a distraction to turn the sides for a moment. Cat questions why Shannon and Crash are still down with the Mattitude, but we chalk it up to tough love. Hey, you know SmackDown wasn't Doug Bashman's debut WWE? He was on this show late last September/early October. Shannon got one of his few wins, which is why it's relevant. It also helps kill time during this sleeper. NO DON'T GO FOR THE CRUCIFIX aw Shannon's dead now. That hiptoss looked extra painful. DeMott charges into Shannon's boots, and that leaves him in position for the Mooregasm - and it HITS! One two NO oh screw this. Shannon throws a tantrum instead of following up - then again, he just had his finisher get kicked out of so it's not like he's got anything to do. Double team with Crash goes horrendously bad, Josh names the inverted swinging neckbreaker "No Joke", one two three. (3:49) Let's scream out the punch line a couple more times. I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much, because I was sitting here waiting for that Mooregasm to miss so I could scream out "BAD CONNECTION", but at least no one paid me to come up with that.
Tonight: Matt Hardy vs Funaki (looks to be non-title)
Still to come: I don't think that limo driver gives a crap whether Mr. America is or is not Hulk HOgan
June 1 - Oakland, CA
June 2 - Sacramento, CA
June 3 - Anaheim, CA [TV]
June 7 - Austin, TX
June 8 - Laredo, TX
Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 200 pounds, w/o Nidia) vs Orlando Jordan (Miami, Florida, 245 pounds, already in the ring) - You're a segment late, Jamie. And have no valet, hmm. Orlando is a developmental guy; this is probably a similar deal as Bashman was way back when, where they want an up close look at him but don't have any set plans to use him meaningfully yet, so they can just use him in this role on Velocity. Nidia is "recovering from her match on Thursday". Lockup, Jamie right into a hammerlock, leg sweep into a leg grapevine, turning him over into a heel hold. Orlando turns it into a headlock, Jamie tries to elbow out, shoots him into the ropes and Orlando back with a shoulderblock. Orlando off the ropes, over, hiptoss blocked and Orlando hits his own. Armbar on Orlando, into a wristlock, Jamie escapes with a knee lift. Forearm, forearm. Turnbuckle smash is blocked, and blocked the other way. Josh is putting over Orlando a bunch here, and putting over Stephanie for having signed him and the Bashman brothers. Orlando with a whip, reversed, Jamie charges into a back elbow, Orlando charges out into a dropkick to a knee. Orlando is down, clutching that knee as if it's seriously hurt, so of course Jamie hands it up over the middle rope so he can get a better shot at stomping that left knee. Jamie is forced to stop, so he pulls Orlando in the middle of the ring and kicks the back of the knee. Elbow drop to the knee, spinning legdrop to the knee, and a modified - crooked? - figure four. Josh opts for "a version of a Trailer Hitch" to remind us that Jamie used that hold at one point (and maybe could here). Orlando is in a lot of pain - that chop is not going to help. Orlando punches his way out, up to his feet, whip is reversed into a short knee, there's a little trouble with the armdrag takeover but they get it. Noble puts on - that's a half crab with a hammerlock? Wow. Jamie switches up to the more traditional STF, but Orlando gets some momentum and to the ropes. Jamie breaks, but is right after stomping. He's warned to give Orlando some room, to get up from the ropes, then starts kicking Orlando in the legs and as he gets up. Orlando's left leg is hung over the middle rope for more kicking. Orlando tries chopping back, but Noble absolutely levels him with a dropkick in the corner. Jamie is rather proud of himself, but slow to follow up. Knee breaker? Orlando starts to fight back, sop Jamie spins him - and Orlando nails him with a clothesline. Orlando needs the ropes to get up and is still slow - Jamie misses a right, misses a left, Orlando with left hand jabs to set up a big right as Josh lets us know he's boxed since 8. Picking up Jamie, but Jamie with a kick, off the ropes, right into the powerslam one two NO. Orlando picks him up in a front facelock, but Jamie spins out, single leg, kicked away. Jamie is undeterred and goes for another single leg, but Orlando blocks him, backslide is blocked by Jaime who spins out of that, Orlando grabs him in the Rock Bottom setup (his finisher? He's listed on OVW's site as being trained by Rocky Johnson) but Jamie spins out of that in time, inside cradle but Orlando sits down one two THREE (4:48) Replay. I guess I was wrong about the role they were using him in. That's kinda disappointing. Orlando looks like he has potential but Jamie was leading him through that last sequence in particular.
Still to come: Lie detector test. Let's see the whole Stephanie vignette to set it up.
Burger King Big Show pins Brock
A-Train (350 pounds, A-Train) vs Joey Matthews (Pensacola, FL, 205 pounds, already in the ring) - Either we only have one recap segment this week or they're switching around the order of things. Hmm. Sure sucks to be a cruiserweight tonight. Josh and Joey are not related, says Josh. Josh thinks the size difference might come into play. Shave your back chant. That'd be funny if Joey wore the same tights he did last time on this show (as one of Los Chihuahuas) but this is the blue, silver and black deals. Joey tries and tries and tries to get A-Train down but he does not have a contract so he ends up jumping into a kick anyway. Josh surprises the heck out of me mentioning Joey teaming with Christian York (saying "in ECW") but then tries to say Joey want to be a single now. Scissors Kick. Train Wreck. At least it was a quick (2:23)
Still to Come, Angle's Coldplay video
Up next, John Cena has something to say.
John Cena is making a fabulous outfit choice with the Chicago Cubs gear. I guess I have to transcribe this now.
Yo yo yo chill chill chill chill
Hey I'm preaching thuganomics on Velocity
We're taking over the green screen
John Cena and Saturday Night
You couldn't find a better team
But I'm frustrated.
We got the best show in the world
I mean Cat's always calling his momma
And Josh? He ain't never kissed a girl
Hey hey - but that's okay you pipsqueak
I'm here to save you this week
And my johnson is longer than a Joe DiMaggio hit streak
After the show
We cooking out in the Hibachi
Drinking full bottles of sake
I'm battle rapping with Funaki!
All the censors hate me
And the parents can't believe me
Cause the kids throw up the double horns
after seeing me on TV
Whether you like me or hate me
there's no way you can ignore me
They don't let me curse on TV
I'll have the crowd curse for me
You attack me
It's like acne
I pop you like a zit
'cause when you're untouchable
You don't take no 
That was nice, except for being COMPLETELY pointless and rhyming "me" with "me". Josh denies that he's never kissed a girl, but who am I to believe here.
Up Next: Mr. America takes a lie detector test.
You know, that's four segments and this show is barely half over. Either Funaki and Matt are going 15 or this is going to be a long annoying video package.
You think they'll ever explain how Hogan passed it? I'm betting no. I'm not supposed to ask "hey, if Vince has such a fool proof plan last week, why didn't he just put the mask on the line?" either, you know. Hey, it IS a long annoying video package. (11:17) "Why does Mr. McMahon mean by that?" "I don't know, but it can't be good!" Anyway, that'd be an actual storyline opening to explain the split brand PPVs - I thought they might have forget to do that.
Next week: Rey Mysterio vs Matt Hardy (version one, w/Crash and Shannon
Moore, c) for the Cruiserweight Title
Next week: Kurt Angle returns
"Clocks" by Coldplay - I almost believe Josh believes what he's saying about Coldplay. Here's the video (3:21)
A UFC Commercial? What are you doing here.
Rey and Matt go Point/Counterpoint on next week's match from Thursday. No one has had the heart to break it to Rey about Seau leaving the Chargers. From the looks of it, Matt thinks he actually has a chance here, good for him. (1:40)
Matt Hardy (Cameron, NC, 220 pounds, w/o SUMMIT, 1) vs Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds, 8) in a non-title match - Matt Facts: Matt speaks better English than Funaki. Matt knows the capitals of all the states. Hey, where was he when I was trying to think of a city in New Hampshire yesterday? This is actually the third time these two have met on this show in the last two months, but that's okay here for reasons that probably should be completely obvious.
[enter stage right FUNAKI, acting less serious than last week]
Josh: "Cat, Funaki looks fully prepared to go one on one with Matt Hardy."
Cat: "Man, I tell you, I love that Torrie Wilson. It's a good thing her and Sable still hate each other."
Josh: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Cat: "Torrie, man, TORRIE"
Josh: "We're not talking about Torrie, we're talking about Funaki going one on one with Matt Hardy here"
Cat: "What about Torrie and Sable going one on one with each other?"
Josh: "Do you hear the words that as they come out of my mouth?!? Do you pay attention?"
Cat: [silence, then] "You got a problem, kid"
Josh: "YOU do" [realizes there's a match to call]
I think Cena hit a nerve. Matt and Funaki circle to start, with Matt forcing Funaki in the corner, clean break no double slap by Matt. "I'M V ONE (AH)!" Funaki with a shove - "I'M NUMBER ONE!" Matt, offended, charges and gets waved into the corner. Armdrag out, Funaki waits for Matt and then punches. Whip, reverse, and there's the spinning headscissors which Josh has redubbed the Mexican headscissors for some reason. I wait for Cat to point out that Funaki is not Mexican, but instead get "he's taking it to the Matt Hardy [sic]". Right, corner whip, reversed, Funaki bounces on the bottom rope, bounces up to a kip up escape but Mat catches him on his shoulder and drops him on the top rope. Funaki rebounds right into a sleeper slam (I think) one two NO. Matt chokes Funaki around the top rope. Josh says that he's been writing up Cat in his office - Cat says Josh's office is a chair in the corner. Funaki's draped on the second rope, so Matt does the Rey yell (option for "VERSION ONE" instead of "619" or even "919") but opts for his running normal sit. Maybe he'll break the spin out Thursday. One two no. Kick, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker one two no. Cat thinks Matt wants this to go long enough to be ready for Funaki. Funaki up and punching, but Matt hits a blow to the back of the head. Off the ropes, and Funaki jumps on him with a sleeper. Matt is stuck in it for a few seconds, but escapes into the Ricochet one two no. There's the neck vice submission hold. Holding in for about thirty seconds, but Funaki punches his way out. Corner whip, reversed, Funaki tries to jump right to the middle rope but his left foot slips - Matt is right on him with a forearm, making it look like part of the match. Maybe it was - Matt picks him off the middle rope for the Splash Mountain, but Funaki slaps free. Kick catch enziguri one two NO. Cat thinks Jimmy Korderas is slow on that count. Matt with a right, but it's blocked and Funaki hits a chop, right, right, right, whip, head down too soon so Matt kicks it. Charging clothesline is ducked and Funaki hits the bulldog! One two NO! Funaki with a whip, reversed, jumping swinging DDT! One two NO! Cat and Josh are now noticing that Shannon and Crash aren't here. Funaki up - dropkick to the face. Josh: "Cat, as you may recall, Shannon Moore and Crash were in action earlier here on Velocity." Cat: "..." Josh: "Exactly." Whip, reversed, Side Effect reversed into a bodyscissors cradle one two NO! Josh works in a dig on Cat just before Matt ducks the clothesline. Kick wham pushed off. Funaki with a turnbuckle smash. Going up, slap, is this going to be it? Looks like the Rising Sun is the reverse seated 2nd rope swinging DDT now - Matt turns around, huge beal! Funaki just barely got himself turned over there. Matt is up but staggered - kick wham Twist of Fate! Josh: "This my friends is major league wrestling". Matt looks at him. Not covering? He's got that intense stare he gets some times. Matt's picking him up. Josh doesn't know why but Cat does - Twist of Fate. Again with that look. No cover? Raising his hands instead. Is he going to do this again? Matt starts to pick Funaki up again, but Funaki is essence of dead weight so he just drops him - one two three. (5:21) Matt is awesome. Please please please please please please please PLEASE give them say 12 minutes, thank you.
That's it. Ha ha, they said tumultuous.