Um, hey, Rick, I hate to break it to you, but that name up there? Oh never mind.
TV 14 DLV CC Brock/Big Show stills (1:29) open
Rikishi (350 pounds) vs Phil Brown (240 pounds, already in the ring) - your announcers are Cat and Josh - Josh says this is an All-Star Velocity, because we've got Velocity later. Cat: "Wait, Rhyno's not the only All-Star here, we got Rikishi, we got Bill DeMott, we got A-Train - everybody on this show is a superstar but you, kid!" This is going to be a long hour. Cat: "What's Mr. Brown looking at? Oh, oh, I see." Okay. Lockup, Brown tries a headlock. Shot off, shoulderblock does not work of course. Brown begs off for a bit. He wants a handshake? Rikishi thinks about it but the fans don't like the idea. Rikishi does it anyway, Brown tries a right hand, Rikishi lets go of the handshake to block, kick DDT. I think Phil should've thought that out better. Rikishi slaps his bottom - running butt bump. Brown falls down in the corner, and they want to see it - Stinkface. Crowd is thrilled and so am I - we're going through this fast. Big thrust kick. Pulling him to the corner, is he gonna end it? Rump Shaker one two three. (1:31) YAY. It's kinda pointless to do any more than that with Rikishi if it's just gonna be a squash anyway. Ah, now I know why we hurried - lights out, there's the hat. "Someone left their hat in the ring, kid."
Smackdown #1 Announcer Funaki does an interview! This is the first time in months! Will wonders never cease? Oh yes, he's talking to Kanyon: "Few weeks ago, you told about - something about...um, an Indian, monkey, and hearing chimp?" "NO NO NO NO! It was India, it was a herbal healing camp, and it was a monk, not a monkey, you idiot. And that monk told me that I should seek out the one who truly is better than Kanyon, and I would learn much from him. And now, I am on a journey, to answer the question once and for all, Who Betta than Kanyon?" "So, I guess your journey ended a few weeks ago when Rhyno beat you? Let's...let's take a look."
"Velocity - Last Month" brings you the Gore and a reminder of how glacially slow this angle may be moving. Josh says the Gore was "heart stopping", which makes Kanyon a regular Jack Bauer I guess. Are we supposed to notice the foot under the rope this time? Cat does, so that's a yes.
"As you can plainly see ... [points to eyes] or maybe you can't see, but everybody else can see, my foot was on the rope, so Rhyno clearly is not betta than Kanyon." "Okay, Kanyon, I know who is better than Kanyon." "You know? You know who's betta than Kanyon? I want to know, tell me, please!" "EVERYBODY! WOO! YEA! YEA! YEAAAAA" and Kanyon knocks him into the interview set. "EVERYBODY, HUH? [Pounds Funaki's head into the set] EVERYBODY? Well, maybe tonight, we find out, maybe if Funaki is betta than Kanyon, huh? [walks off] WHO BETTA THAN KANYON"
Up Next, a very special interview with Zach
Stacker 2 Piper gets a leg up on Zach
Sit Down Interview with Zach Gowen. This would have been much better if Stephanie was Funaki, but when can't you say such a thing? (3:26)
This Rey Mysterio ad uses "lucha libre" where they should say "luchadore" again. Why do they do that?
Who Betta Than Kanyon (Queens, NY, 241 pounds) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer (Japan, 206 pounds) - I guess we're pretending the A-Train match last week didn't happen, which may be for the best. Earlier Tonight, Funaki partied like it was 1999. Funaki is all serious on the way to the ring, but still hurting. Lockup, Kanyon pushes him in the corner, shoulder, elbow to the head. Whip, Kanyon misses a clothesline, Funaki hits a dropkick and Kanyon rolls out. Pescado, Kanyon sees it coming and dives in but Funaki holds on to land on the apron. Shoulder to the gut, turnbuckle smash for Kanyon. Funaki going up, cross body one two no. Kick catch enzigirui one two no. Whip, head down too soon and Kanyon throws him down by his head. Kick to the gut, and Kanyon throws him shoulder first into the post. While Funaki is still next to the post, Kanyon hangs one of Funaki's legs on the ropes, then goes to the top rope and grabs both legs - Super Boston Crab! Neato. Cat to Josh: "This is the kinda stuff you do in your closet at home." Elbow drop to the back, cover with tights pull one two no. Bodyscissors roll over with tights pull one two no. Turnbuckle smash. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Hanging suplex one two no. Update on Rey's status on Thursday. Armbar. Crowd thinks Kanyon Sucks. Funaki battling out, Kanyon to a headlock, shot into the ropes, Funaki tries a hiptoss but Kanyon reverses to a swinging neckbreaker, covering and pulling the tights again one two Jimmy Korderas notices it (on the third try.) Kanyon misses a right and there's the bulldog. Both men slow up - Kanyon misses another right, Funaki with rights, whip, reverses, Funaki with a cross body, Kanyon catches him but Funaki reverse to a Slop Drop one two no. Funaki with rights, corner whip, reversed, Kanyon charges into a boot. Funaki to the second rope, there's the slap, and there's the Rising Sun! Josh forget he named that one two foot on the rope! Funaki is going up again, but takes too long and Funaki crotches him. Kneedrops a plenty. "You betta? You betta, you sonofabitch? No one's betta!" Going for the Flatliner (Josh calls it!) but Funaki pushes him off into the corner, inside cradle tights pull one two THREE! (5:16) Kanyon can't believe Korderas didn't see that blatant tights pull (that time), but I'm thinking that allows for Funaki not to be betta.
Still to come: Rhyno vs A-Train
Still to come: Vince has a proposition to Vince.
May 25 - Ft. Meyers, FL
May 26 - Dothan, AL
May 27 - Pensacola, FL
May 31 - Las Vegas, NV
June 1 - Oakland, CA
Kurt Angle returns in two weeks (:26)
Bill DeMott (280 pounds) vs Brad Hunter (already in the ring, 227 pounds) - DeMott is smiling? And wants to talk? Okay. "We'll fight, we'll fight, we'll fight. I got to tell you, man, I just heard the funniest joke back there I've ever head in my life. Easy easy, we'll fight. Whoa re the three most famous guys ever shot in the back of the head? Listen to this. Abraham Lincoln, JFK and the guy who sat in front of Pee Wee Herman. Hahaha, Pee Wee Herman! Did you get that?" Thank god Brad just punched him in the face; I think Bill might be regressing. Right hands, whip, back elbow. Right. Chop. DeMott stop selling 15 seconds ago. DeMott with open hand slaps of his own, corner whip, corner splash. One two no. Slam but Brad slips free, kick, jawbreaker. Drop toe hold lands DeMott on the second rope, kick to the chest, kick to the back. Josh is thrown off by laughing man Bill DeMott. Running knee to the back. Running kick to the face! One two no. "C'mon ref! That wasn't 2!" Right. Kneeling surfboard. DeMott, as the face in the mat, is slowly turning it around. Brad with a kick, right, whip, reversed, DeMott puts his head down too soon and Brad kicks him in the face. Brad jumps on DeMott's back with a sleeper, but DeMott is still moving - Brad goes butt first in the corner, and again to take him off. DeMott with a kick, whip to the same corner. DeMott charges into the corner and eats boot. Brad off the second rope and right into the Clothesline of Concussions. Brad's dead but DeMott has a new finisher he'd like to use anyway - Roll of the Dice (Josh says inverted swinging neckbreaker) One two three. (3:04)
Up next, Vince has a happy night with Hot Rod.
Mr. America and Vince and fast forward (12:02) forever and ever
SmackDown: Vince, Mr. America and a fake looking lie detector graphic
Castrol GTX Undertaker returns of Thursday
A-Train (Boston, MA, 350 pounds) vs Rhyno (Detroit, MI, 275 pounds) - Josh says Rhyno's is six foot three? I dunno about that. Lockup. A-Train tries to sneaky corner punch but Rhyno ducks out of the corner. Lockup again. Rhyno gets the best of it. Break, A-Train with a shove. Rhyno turns and charges, right into the bicycle kick one two no. A-Train stomps - Josh says he's going after the (no longer taped) injured knee, but it doesn't seem that targeted. Turnbuckle smash, punches, kicks. Turnbuckle smash. Shave your back chant turns the tide for Rhyno to come back, but Brian Hebner pulls him off because right hands and A-Train gets in a cheap mash. Slam. Second rope pump smash. One two foot on rope. Josh: "I know you get excited seeing two big guys, Cat." "How about seeing one big Cat with his foot in your mouth?" Josh says "There's A Reason There Hasn't Been A Stretcher Match In 17 Years" (TM WWE 2003), and the reason is obviously the critical stretcher shortage of 1994. In the match, both guys get hurt! That's dramatically different than other matches where everyone goes out for tea after. A-Train is working on the back because he forget about the knee. There's the bearhug. At least it isn't a surfboard. As Cat tells Josh to go to St. Louis, this hold goes on forever. 30 seconds. One arm. Two arm. Three arm? No of course not, he only has 2. After a minute in, he rallies out. Facebite gets him free. A-Train tries an axhandle and gets punched. Many many times. Brian doesn't try to stop these punches. Clothesline, A-Train won't go down. Another clothesline, he won't go down. A-Train misses a clothesline, A-Train hits a running shoulderblock to take him down. Back elbow takes him back down again, one two no. Whip, Rhyno pus his head down too soon, spinebuster is apparently now the Concrete Crunch one two nah. A-Train with a shot to the throat, side slam one two no. Calling for the double choke - but Rhyno breaks out, right hands, off the ropes, into a back elbow. A-Train pulls Rhyno in the corner - pump splash never works twice in the match, and Rhyno slides out of the way. Setting up for it - gore knocks A-Train out of the ring. Ah, I had a feeling neither of these guys would get beat on this show (when Edge isn't present) one two three four five six Rhyno's up and counting along seven eight nine ten (5:48) and then A-Train slides in. Rhyno gets away safe, and A-Train is reduced to trying to get reason from a Hebner.
SmackDown! Lie Detectors! Gee, I was warned they might not be doing the talking, thanks for reassuring me.