Should I note that the pre-Velocity commercial for Velocity pushes a "the future, the most talented young athlete only on Velocity" bit? I guess I just did, hmm. They do manage to clip out anyone who might be seen as old - well, Benoit's old but no one gives him any credit for it. Rikishi too. And Show may or may not pass as talent. We get soundbites of Tazz (doing his Brock catchphrase), Matt, Los Guerreros and Cena - eh, Matt might actually be on this show, I guess. Chavo, sure. Cena, in a three months when they get bored with him, no doubt.

This Kurt Angle guy (with HAIR) and this Rock guy (also, with HAIR) surely will not be. I wonder if they'll update this when they switch over?

TV 14 DLV CC entertainment - backstage, Shelton Benjamin is singing about this being his house while warming up. No, wait, the joke is actually that he's singing "Medal", with "Shelton!" where one might say "You Suck" or even "Angle!" Charlie interrupts his partner's dancing/stretching, which Shelton tries to pass of as just getting ready. Anyway, Charlie got them a match with "the most ferious, the most vicious, the most tenacious tag team in all of Mexico [who, Porky and Markus? hahahaha my joke is going to be better to me than whatever Charlie says here anyway so why don't I just extend this a little bit longer and here we go] Los Chihuahuas!" Shelton expresses disblief, but Charlie says they're tough, and they'll show the Guerreros what they're made of. Shelton says he won't sweat tonight. Charlie: "Yea, that's cool. Nice dance by the way." open fireworks 

WWE Tag Team Champions Team Angle (489 pounds) vs Los Chihuahuas (Juarez, Mexico, 426 pounds) in a non-title match - Crowd does NOT chant "Shelton". Your announcers are the Cat (Secret Agent Man) and Josh. Cat is pumped - not only do we have Team Angle, but we also have Bill DeMott and Funaki. Obviously, he's still a heel. Is that the Super Astros theme? Los Chihuahuas are not Los Guerreros, yet. Chihuahuas A (non-dreds) does his Conquistador impression, so I know this is only moderately on the up and up. They have generic masks. Team Angle wants handshakes. Gee, how could this go wro-ah, there's the short clotheslines. Josh is trying to explain Team Angle's story of prepping for this match by facing another Mexican team, and Cat is dedicated to blasting holes in that idea, starting with the fact that Los Guerreros would never do something like that. Ch-A gets thrown out, while Ch-D (for dreads!) gets a double leg from Charlie. Armdrag by Haas, armbar, wristlock, arm smashed into the mat. Armbar. Here's a game to play at home - when they say "Los Guerrero have been waiting a very long time to get a rematch for the titles", you yell "what about Wrestlemania, you freaking moron!" Trust me, it's fun. Armbar on Ch-D, tag to Shelton who gets a right. Josh has decided that my D is his A , but this is my recap so pbbbbbbbbbbt. As sophisticated response as you'll get from me. Knee to the arm. Armbar. Armdrag takedown. Knee to the shoulder. They're working the left arm, I thought I'd like you to know. Armbar. Forearm to the arm. As Charlie comes in to work the arm in ways I don't feel like writing down, Cat and Josh discuss "Los Gatos" and when Josh learned that. Here's the Charlie distracts the ref while Shelton gets in shots from the outside spot. Cat: "I wouldn't mind Sable playing with my mind like that." Josh: "I wouldn't mind her playing with something!" Cat: "What's that Josh, playing with what?" Josh: "Well you know - maybe a sport like basketball or baseball." Cat: "How about deez- how about these...aw, never mind." Shelton has thrown Ch-D into his corner so Ch-A can get in. Knee for him, release suplex. One two no. Josh starts to say that Los Guerreros are from Mexico, then remembers the Mexican-American war. Well not really. This may get me in trouble but Team Angle? Doesn't do it for me. Ch-A is making a come back - he tries the extra spinning headscissors but Shelton throws him off. Tag to Charlie so we can do the press slam/gutbuster combo. Josh and Cat discuss "Give the Cat a raise" sign. Cat: "Those are some of my fans!" Josh: "They must not watch this show."  Cat: "How can they not watch the show, they're sitting at ringside." Abdominal stretch. No leg pick. Why they'd have to call them Los Chihuahuas anyway, that's much too much to type. Cat gets to say "the crowd getting behind the Chihuahuas!", which is something. Ch-A gets n armdrag out but knocks him down with a clothesline. Double gutbuster looks nice, as Shelton is now the legal man. Did we ever establish that the Superkick/German Suplex was their finisher? I guess we'll know in a bit. This is very one sided and yet we're going on 5 minutes now, for whatever reason. Haas posts himself - Ch-B tags in Ch-D, who goes up. Top rope wheel kick (Cat: "What the hell was that?") sorts connects with Charlie, but sorta doesn't enough that teh crowd boos. Shelton takes clotheslines. Josh: "The Chihuahuas are on fire!" Cat: "Man, on fire, what? He just missed the damn kick!" Josh: "Ah, he came close" Cat argues that they're not really Mexican! Josh: "They're lucha libres [sic]" Cat: "Lucha libre my ass!" Ch-D with a fireman's carry, "AY YI YI YI YI YI" senton one two Shelton breaks it up. Josh: "I guess their lucha libre style leaves a little bit to be desired" Cat thinks that MAYBE, Team Angle picked two people who AREN'T REALLY MEXICAN!!!!!! "I saw these two guys at the hot dog stand early this morning! I can tell by their hair style." Shelton hits the Dragon Whip on Ch-A. Hard kick to the back of one Ch-D's legs leaves him right in position for the Haas of Pain. (6:33) Shelton clears the ring.

Still to come - Kanyon returns! to face Rhyno. Cat points out that Rhyno made a good comeback - can Kanyon do the same after "15 months" out.

SmackDown Live
4/22 - Nashville, TN [SD!]
4/26 - Springfield, MA
4/27 - Worcester, MA
4/28 - Burlington, VT
4/29 - Manchester, NH [SD!]

On Heat: Al Snow/Maven vs Three Minute Warning. And Nash's decision - paper or plastic.

Now that I have a commercial here, I should say that everyone has Los Chihuahuas as Joey Matthews and Christian York - I'd like to say I was able to ID them without that info but I probably wouldn't have. I haven't seem 'em in years, which is a decent defense.

Confidence Hogan gone forever two weeks ago.

Josh says he'll never forget where he was when that happened. And Piper returned.

Two Week ago, on Piper's Pit. (:27) Rikishi vs Sean O'Haire at Backlash. And one week ago on Piper's Pit. (6:19) In the worst possible idea, Rikishi will take on Roddy Piper on Thursday.

Stacker 2 Big Show was humiliated by Rey last Thursday. I guess it's all positive self esteem getting mist in the face?

Bill DeMott (280 pounds) vs Pat Houston (Phillipsburg, VA, 265 pounds) - we're back to Chimel doing the ring announcing, I forget to mention. Bill's match, or Bill inset interview? Bill's inset interview wins: "Every week you watch Bill DeMott! But you don't see me! You cheer me! You boo me! You want to get to know Bill DeMott? Come see me!" Why do they still have him doing the moonsault in his video if part of his deal is that he doesn't do the moonsault? There's the big Bill clothesline. Is Sparks going to stop the match? I think he'd like to but Bill picks up Pat. Powerbomb. Cover? Sometime today? We gonna just sit around? We gonna stop the match? How about we just stare aimless a bit. Powerbomb - I think he notices that the crowd really would like one and opts not to do one, instead just going for a pin. (2:33) Cat picks up on the crowd thing. Bill makes yelling noises in the announcers direction, which worries them for a second, but then he starts making them to Pat, and all is right.

Backstage (again?), WWE Cruiserweight Champion Matt Hardy (Version One) is having a word with Shannon Moore in the locker room. "Shannon, I want to talk you. See, I have a guy that has been contacting me recently, he wants me to turn his whole life around, make him better - basically, he wants to be a MFer, a Mattitude Follower, because we all knows what Mattitude for us all. See, the only problem is he can't spell the word Mattitude. So that's where you come in. You've done well the last few months, and you've shown that within that heart of you, you've got an ounce of Mattitude. This is your next test, I want you to step it up, and I want you to give a little back a little of that knowledge that I've instilled in you, by giving it to someone else. See, this guy definitely doesn't qualify as a Mattitude Follower, but he most certainly is a Mooreon." Matt points, and the camera pans - to show Crash, reading Exist to Inspire. Upside down. Matt is aghast. "Your work is cut out for you. He's got a little athleticism, he's got a little charisma, but you got a lot of work to do, my friend. That's the test." "You gotta be kidding me." Matt shakes his head no - Shannon takes the extra V1 shirt from Matt, and walks over and puts it on Crash shoulder. And then he puts the book right side up. "We got a lot of work to do." Shannon gives Matt a head shrug as we fade to black.

The real question is "what was the deal with the Moppy T-Shirt clearly centered in frame there?" That's cruel humor, mocking a dead person like that.

Mr. America is coming. Perhaps. Josh reads from a card. It's probably not in the best taste when they go from this to the APA vesting the troops.

Crash (Salisbury, NC, 214 pounds, w/Shannon Moore (w/book), yellow, 6) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds, 8) - That's about the most needlessly long introduction possible. Crash is having trouble with the Version One hand signal. Did Crash have the slow version of this song before or was that Hardcore? Crash starts to do his climb in the ring, but Shannon tells him to come in the ring like a normal person. Crash is still unsure about the hand signal, so Shannon points out a section in Matt's book. Crash is wearing the V1 shirt. Oh wow, the epic feud has a new chapter. Josh says Matt is the leader of "this weird triangle" (I guess you need at least three for a cult.) Circle, Funaki armdrag. Lockup, Crash with an armbar, Funaki with a reverse, Crash rolls through and reverses. Funaki reverses, headlock, shot in the corner, back with a shoulderblock. Funaki off the ropes, Crash' hiptoss is blocked but Funaki hits his. Armdrag. Josh notes that Crash hasn't been around in a while - Josh says he was a hurt, which I didn't even know. Crash with a forearm to take him to the floor. Crash distracts and Shannon get stomps. But Crash stomps Shannon form doing it because he wants Funaki in. Shannon tires to explain this is the way of Version One but Crash is always low on the uptake. Funaki flattens Crash with a pescado, which should learn him. Crash thrown in - Funaki thinks about going after Shannon but doesn't. Funaki in, inside cradle one two no. Corner whip, reversed, Funaki stops short and hits a back elbow. Funaki charges out of the corner but Crash catches him with a powerslam one two no. Surfboard. Josh thinks Crash made a good move, allying himself with Shannon and trying to become a Mooreon. Josh: "You're a Mooreon and you're, you know, you're doing okay with yourself." "Hey kid, don't attack me and I won't attack you." Josh calls this a surfboard-like maneuver, how observant. Crash goes to a chinlock as Funaki tries to get up, but Funaki is getting up anyway. Elbows out, then chops. Whip, dropkick but Crash has the ropes. German suplex - no Funaki with a bodyscissors roll up one two no. Crash with a side slam one two no. One two NO. Shannon is telling Crash to stay on him. Crash with a slam - walking over him to go up to the top rope. Top rope nothing, but Crash is at least smart enough to catch Funaki's boot. Rolling Funaki to his feet, clothesline misses and Funaki his a back suplex anyway. Shannon is yelling at him to get up. Crash charges the corner, Funaki moves out of the way. There's the bulldog one two NO. Josh hypes SmackDown in Nashville. "I can't wait to see you in a cowboy hat!" "I can't wait to see you with my foot in your mouth!" Crash with a knee, whip, reversed, Funaki with a flapjack. Off the ropes, dropkick to the face. One two NO. Funaki with a turnbuckle smash, and he's going up. Crash grabs a leg to stop him and pulls him away from the ropes, but Funaki just hits the enziguri one two no. Suplex no it's kinda blocked and Crash kinda goes behind, Funaki with back elbows to escape a dropkick to take him down. Hmm, Crash is in familiar position - Funaki off the ropes, but before we can find out what Funaki's area code might be, Shannon trips him up. Funaki gets up, looks at Shannon, Crash hits a running forearm to the back, inside cradle on two three! (4:32) Shannon tries to get Crash to do the V1, but I think Crash is saying he did it himself - or that it's on the T-shirt, I'm not sure. Shannon gives him the book - Crash holds up the book but still can't do the V1 signal. That's more the claw. Shannon shows him the part of the book again but Crash still can't get it. Shannon's had enough of this for the day and it's time to go. They read the book and discuss on the way up the ramp.

Still to come, Kanyon vs Rhyno.

Backlash #1 Contenders Tournament Look Back (4:14) Brock Lesnar vs John Cena at Backlash.

Torrie Playboy signing in NYC. (1:00)

Who Betta Than Kanyon (242 pounds) vs perhaps later - He's got his old music. He's got his t-shirt. He's got no valet. I guess if someone's been gone for near a year and a half, he may have something to say. I think we might know it too: "Who betta than Kanyon? [boos - "Everybody" comes in late] You see, that's what I used to think. Nobody! That was 15 months ago. And the doctors, the doctors had no idea what was wrong with me. [Cat: "Crazy"] So I spent my own money, and I went to India. [Crowd starting to What this] And there, I found a herbal healing camp. And at that camp, underneath the Tree of Good and Evil, in the Garden of Woe, I found a 104 year old Tibetan Monk. And he proclaimed, yes, there is one better than Kanyon. He said, I would be wise to go find this one who was better than me. For I could learn a lot from this man. Now I know none of you are better than Kanyon. But I have come back, after 15 months, to the WWE, to find out once, who truly is better than Kanyon! And here tonight, my-" And there's the music.

Who Betta Than Kanyon (242 pounds) vs Rhyno - Rhyno mimes that all the people here are better than Kanyon, then takes off running. Kanyon's right misses, Rhyno's chop does not. Chops in the corner. Corner whip, Rhyno runs right into a back elbow. Kanyon with a right. Whip, reversed to a short clothesline. Stomping. Stomping. Josh tells us that Kanyon was really out because he needed shoulder and knee surgery. Rhyno poses to the Gore chants. Whip, Rhyno catches him with a side belly to belly suplex. Rhyno sets up for it - but Kanyon side steps and Rhyno goes into the corner. Josh: "Side Kanyon legsweep" one two no. Clothesline. Cat says Kanyon knows a 1000 moves in the ring. But "he can go to hell! I hate Kanyon!" Still mad about that whole Miss Jones thing, I think. Elbow drops by Kanyon. Rights in the corner. Now going to the second drop while having Rhyno by the hair - second rope hair bulldog, there's your new move. Kanyon with knees and stomps to the midsection, who retreats to the post area of the apron - Kanyon with a sliding dropkick, running him chest first into the post. One two no. Snap mare, knees in the back, chin lock. Rhyno quickly drawing from the crowd. Elbowing out, but Kanyon pulls him down by the hair. Another elbow drop by Kanyon. Kanyon pulls him over towards the corner. Is he going for a moonsault? Oh wow he is - and no one's home. He grabs his knee on landing, but recovers to be totally dead. One two three four Cat's yelling at him to count faster five six seven eight nine both up - Rhyno gets the better of the punches. Whip, reversed, Rhyno with a shoulderblock. Rhyno with a clothesline, clothesline. Whip, head don too soon so it's kicked, Kanyon off the ropes and right into a spinebuster. Getting ready for it again - Gore. One two three. (4:38) Kanyon's foot was like halfway out of the ring there but I guess it doesn't matter. What a return by Kanyon! Maybe he'll turn it around when he finds that person...

Rikishi vs Piper! Confidential is now.

Two backstages, two promos, two returns, a storyline development and seeds planted for other ones - this was a weird Velocity. Almost meaningful or something!