Department of Clarity: I hate everything.

TV 14 DLV CC entertainment open WHY IS THE ANNOYING BLACK BAR STILL THERE fireworks oh it's not going away is it? That blows. Why is Velocity in red down there when the show color is green and the other brand's show is red? Because TNN sucks.

Johnny Stamboli (Brooklyn, NY, 250 pounds, w/FBI) vs Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds) - your announcers are Josh, the Cat, the Cat's shirt, and the black bar. Crowded booth this week. By far, the loudest thing is the shirt. You know, I had no idea Funaki was a big fan of Rikishi, but seemingly he's trying to run the FBI gauntlet like Rikishi did - clip of Last Week where it didn't start off well. Here's the WACKY STOMPING SWERVE. "I'll tell you what, why do they let so many guys out here, man?" Chuck charges with a punch, Funaki ducks and hits his own, Chuck hits him with a knee and that's probably that. Stamboli has new ugly reddish-orange briefs. Corner whip, Johnny charges in but Funaki's long gone, though nice enough to run into a back elbow. Johnny picks up Funaki, but Funaki is punching. Whip, reversed, Johnny misses a clothesline, Funaki hits a crossbody one two no. Funaki waist kick of the foot catch enziguri is almost hilariously short (watch Funaki hop to get in better position), but Johnny dutifully grabs the foot anyway and Funaki kicks him in the head. One two no. Whip, reversed, Chuck misses a clothesline and Funaki hits a lovely spinning headscissors. Johnny rolls out to talk to the FBI, Funaki hits the sliding dropkick into the huddle, FBI managed a definitely hilarious delayed sell. Funaki makes his mistake by going after Nunzio, because it allows Johnny to forearm from behind. I think Cat is still under the impression that these guys are still The Family, because he's called them such fifty times this match. Three elbows drops one two no. Choke one two three no. Soft kick to the ribs. Choke on the middle rope. Choke on the top rope. Chuck's punch from the outside. It bugs me every week that Chuck's punch from the outside (which is officially a part of Johnny and Nunzio's movesets at this point) is not a discus punch. Why not? Can't you just spin and pretend it hurts more? For ME? I guess not. Cat doesn't like Benoit because he talks too much. Hanging suplex from the apron into the top rope drop gutbuster. Funaki again coming back on the pick up with right hands, off the ropes (right in front of Nunzio, who doesn't even fake a stab at his legs, lots of help you are), bodyscissors rollup is blocked into a face first powerbomb by Johnny one two no. Step over armbar. Funaki with kneelifts and a hiptoss out. Funaki retreats to a corner, Johnny charges, Funaki uses a "step over toe hold" - STOP DOING THAT, what exactly is he stepping over there? He's not! He's DROPPING - into the turnbuckle and there's the dropkick to the face. Funaki going up and there's the top rope cross body, nice catch by Johnny but he apparently decides that if D'Lo could do that Sudden Impact move, surely he could as well, and Funaki reverses it to a swinging DDT. One two no (this time Nunzio makes a move like he's going to dive and break it up). Funaki slowly charges at Johnny, Johnny kinda half heartedly throws him out but it's obvious that Funaki's going out on his own and that'll give Nunzio a change to get in his shots. As Cat says "another Family member" for the hundredth time, Nunzio does the "put a coat over his head and punch it" deal so the ref won't notice the fingerprints. Chuck, Johnny and Jim Korderas are discussing that particular shade of orange-red while this is going on. Ah, Johnny's out to collect Funaki, who's out of it. Press slam from the apron in? Almost! Funaki gets stuck on the top rope, not sure if that's on purpose - got tied up? Johnny comes in to let go of him. Slam uh oh not this - well, if he grabs the ropes the whole way, it doesn't look as impressive but he's got a much better chance of it actually working - there's the top rope legdrop. One two three. (5:05) The "What's Your CSI-Q" contest the black bar is promoing right now hasn't actually worked for the two weeks I've tried it, I'd like to let someone know. And now that they've cleared that out, there's a black dividing line and mirror images and mostly someone royally is screwing up technical wise in the TNN studios.

still to come, Dawn

Up next, Hogan and Vince.

They've changed the Live Events dealio - well they probably did it on SmackDown but I haven't recapped it yet - and it's not "It's the most exciting brand in Sports Entertainment" with the old calendar being brought back.
Sunday - Tampa, FL
Tuesday - Louisville, KY
Next Tuesday - San Jose, CA

WrestleMania Moment: Undertaker beats Sid at WM XIII. This isn't the moment anyone else would chose from this show, of course. I guess I really shouldn't be shocked when they completely write out Bret Hart from these kind of things, but here he isn't again - Sid loses completely clean in this version.

Uh oh, Josh is hyping up Undertaker's 10-0 record. Somehow, we move on to Hogan clips. You know, honestly, I tried watching this to see if I got why other people got him so much, but I ended up getting a lot why other people don't like this at all. And then I got my fast forward button. (7:30) CONTRACT SIGNING. Lucha contract signings are so much cooler because after they sign the contact, they WRESTLE and I don't think that's happening here. EVER. CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK

Still to Come, Kurt vs Brock

Up Next, Shannon Moore is in action.

Two Weeks Ago, Rey beat Tajiri to be the #1 contender to the Cruiserweight Title

This week, Matt issued a challenge for any cruiserweight to "spar" with him, thus causing me never ending agony about this being a match or not a match. I'm trying real hard not to think about what this says about Matt when Kurt killed the guy who had the best of him. At least Brian made up a different weight for this match. Too bad he had the same pants and mask from previous matches and the same green boots from his match with Angle - I KNOW I'm expecting too much from this crew for them to figure out what's going on based on the clues that are dropped but I keep hoping that when this clip is over, Josh will bring up the Velocity matches. Was this what Chris called Wheel of Fortune booking? I don't know, it bugs me more as bad story telling. "This is an EXHIBITION! AN EXHIBITION" is my personal highlight of this. Though every time Cole calls one of Matt's goofily named moves, it does warm my heart. Dr. Wagner would be proud of Matt. I don't like that reverse neckbreaker into a face crusher - that hitch is too long. Dr. Wagner would be proud of Rey's outfit too. (6:12)

Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 195 pounds) vs Matt Stryker (Cincinnati, OH, 183 pounds, already in the ring) - Call me crazy, but I think Shannon might get a win here. By the way, you're watching WWE Velocity on the NEW TNN and a black bar is taking up part of your screen for no reason. Lockup, waistlock, go behind, elbow out. Headlock, shot into the ropes, back with a shoulderblock. It's Matt who did that, and I only point out because he's under the impression he's the heel here, with all that mocking of Shannon's he's doing. Shannon kips up, hiptoss. Whip, reversed, between the bar on the bottom and a HUGE graphic for the press conference, we're losing a 1/3rd of the screen and if this were Bill DeMott wrestling I'd be calling it a match right now. Watch Matt and Shannon not get hooked up an armdrag. Another one better. Armbar. Matt pushes him in the ropes, forearms. Whip, flapjack but Shannon comes down with a 'rana. Stryker goes out, V1, sliding dropkick misses and Stryker runs him back first into various stationary objects. Josh tells the fans to brings signs because boy is it going to be empty (also five best signs will be moved up to the front row to make it look like people are excited!) Shannon thrown in one two no. "C'mon Shannon!" European Uppercut. Stomp. Corner whip, corner whip. One two no. If he won on a corner whip, that'd be amazing. Surfboard. Shannon with a kick to the midsection, forearm, forearm, Matt with a knee. Back suplex but Shannon lands on his feet and hits the wheel kick. Shannon blocks the right hand and hits forearms. Whip, clotheslines by Shannon. Back elbow. Dropkick. Shannon with a corner whip, reverses, Shannon with the WOW crossbody (a bit off, with Shannon's lower body hitting Stryker's chest, and Matt wasn't able to catch on the way down.) Fireman's carry, spun out into a bulldog, I'll say. That's new. One two no! I thought we had a new finisher. Shannon lifts Stryker, Stryker breaks and chops, Shannon hits a kick, monkey flip is blocked and pushed off. Stryker misses a clothesline, Shannon second rope leg lariat. Calling for it - second rope, "that's the Morgasm!" (the WHAT - it's a Blockbuster) one two three (3:44) So I guess Josh calling it the Halo a few weeks ago was a slip? Morgasm, as in "he just gave him a Morgasm" - wow, Shannon's really really gay.

Still to come, Jamie Noble vs Tajiri - I like this hyping matches ahead of time and not just the same one deal they're doing tonight.

One Week from Tomorrow Night: WrestleMania 3rd Degree - Stone Cold, Hulk Hogan, Vince McMahon and Triple H with Q&A almost as stimulating as...Ask WCW. 9/8c. Someone has to tell me that they want me to do this because otherwise I think I'll end up throwing something at my TV about :05 in.

By the way, you're watching WWE Velocity. See, it says so right down there.

Bill DeMott (280 pounds) vs B.J. Payne (241 pounds, Madison, OH, already in the ring) - Bill's video changed to a non-Tough Enough one at some point where I wasn't caring. Bill takes a look at the announce desk but Josh and Cat don't play it up this week. Cat notes that Bill is ALWAYS on Velocity. Yea, I'm on break. Bill yelling even can't get me to care this week. He's really trying the "Rick Steiner at the end of WCW" vibe this week. Mike Sparks: "Cut it out" DeMott: [cold stare] Wow, this is pretty much the exact same match as last week except shorter. Powerbomb, 3. (1:56) When's the Because I Can T-shirt coming out?

Here's the Tale of The Tape of Brock vs Kurt Angle. And probably the Cat's worst line reading of the week.

Hogan and Vince are a couple of marks. Sorry

Last Thursday, they had a match. Is this the third time they've done this screwjob with Kurt and Eric? I can remember the Survivor Series one but I get the feeling there was another one. (4:58)

Up next, Torrie footage and Noble/Tajiri.

Lugz Dawn flash of Thursday.

Last Thursday, Jamie Noble got directions to the mansion from Eddie.

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 200 pounds, w/Nidia, 6) vs Tajiri (Japan, 206 pounds, 5) - Nidia's outfit is nice and colorful tonight. Josh wonders if Rey will be able to overcome the size difference but Cat notes that he saw Rey beat much larger men in the past. Jamie and Tajiri are apparently blaming each other for their loss in that #1 contenders match, so that's why we're here tonight. Josh says that Jamie Noble is the longest reigning Cruiserweight Champion in history - I've got him for 123 days, which is long, but Tajiri held it for 164 days pre-brand split. They like to count those only when it's "X times champion", I guess. Then again Josh said "WWE history" so I guess he's technically right and I should shut up but NO. Lockup, Jamie with a hammerlock, Tajiri back elbows out, Jamie with a single leg takedown to a leg pull. Tajiri trying to break it, turning it into an arm scissors for a second, but Jamie escapes and floats around to a headlock. Armbar. reversed, reversed, armdrag out by Tajiri, armdrag, single leg for zero, standoff. Jamie's complaining about a hairpull. Lockup no Noble with a kick, turnbuckle smash, kick, kick, kick, corner whip, Tajiri jumps out and actually gets in the Tarantula the normal way! Tajiri sets up on the apron as Jamie recovers in the ring, but Nidia smartly pulls Tajiri off the apron, Tajiri's jaw hitting mat on the way down. As Tajiri regains his footing, Noble is off the ropes - suicide tope! Cat says "headbutt" which is right, how about that. Tajiri thrown back in for stomping as we go to the replay. Whip, knee lift by Noble. One two no. Jamie holds him tight for kneelifts, front slam one two no. Legdrop one two no. Cat and Josh are doing a bit about Louisville, where SmackDown is next week. Cat asks Josh to name the famous athlete who was born there, and Josh says Muhammad Ali. Cat approves, but wants to know the OTHER famous athlete. Josh: "Secretariat." "See, that's right, you just named my favorite two black athletes!" While we all die, Tajiri gets whipped hard in the corner chest first. Abdominal stretch. Cat wonders what the point of a contract signing - they already agreed to fight! Tajiri hiptossed out, Noble kicks him away. Noble charges in the corner but his corner post. Tajiri strong kick to the right shoulder, kick to the right right shoulder, kick is blocked and Jamie with forearms, short clothesline is ducked and Tajiri hits the back thrust kick. Whip, reversed, Tajiri back with the springboard elbow. Chop, corner whip, Noble kips up but Tajiri rakes him down with a face first powerbomb one two NO. Tajiri slow up. Chop by him, corner whip, ducked and reversed into a reverse neckbreaker but Tajiri grabs the ropes and only Noble goes down. Noble is in position - "Buzzsaw Kick!" (hey, ABOUT TIME) but Noble ducks, reverse bodyscissors cradle one two NO! Tajiri with a high kick but it's ducked, Jamie with a kick, Tiger Bomb no backdropped out but Jamie holds out for the sunset flip but Tajiri rolls through, dropkick to the face! Buzzsaw Kick one two three. (4:20) And that's why the rankings work! "Tajiri is the best kicker on TV!"

Last plugs for SmackDown and we're out.