TV 14 DLV open fireworks blah blah blah

Bill DeMott (280 pounds) vs Mike Wellington (Huntington Beach, CA, 210 pounds) - "Someone call my sister!" Cole tells us that he's sitting in [here's where my hopes go really high] for Josh [dashed once again.] Actually, I'm so depressed I'll skip this match entirely. We never get the desk shot, for what it's worth. Announcers say Matt beat Shannon more than Bill beat Shannon, so if I know my Mattamatics, that's Matt > Bill. Cat suggests that Cole's commentary has caused Bill to snap. "I was just about to say - 'Where's Tazz when I need him?'" Whoa, the fog's rolled in. DeMott's working the left arm. Cole explains the Rumble to the people who don't know about it - you know, like Cat. Announcers are unsure where Wellington is from, despite Chimel's introduction just minutes before. If JOSH was here, he'd know. That's a nice gutwrench powerbomb. Cole: "Doctor Bomb!" Bill's a Doctor? One two three. (2:47) LOOK AT THE EYES. Okay, you can stop looking now.

And right into Tough Enough highlights. (3:15) Hey look, straight to break so we don't have to discuss this much. Odd how that works.

Still to come, Honeymoon highlights.

Still to come, Brock highlights.

SmackDown! Live
Sunday - East Rutherford, NJ [SmackDown! taping - unmentioned]
Next Sunday - Boston, MA [Royal Rumble]
Next Monday - Poughkeepsie, NY

Nathan Jones Promo. If I had 10 years of free time, I'd think I'd finaally catch up with recapping these dumb shows. (:19)

SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds, X) vs Diamondback (Tuscon, AZ, 181 pounds) - Cat lamely reads his notes about Jones. "He's a bad dude! I'm getting the hell out of here when he shows up." Woohoo! Hmm, jobber gets the second entrance. He's got a black mask with eye holes and an open top for his (vaguely familiar) hair to stick out. No shirt, and, as Cole notes, pajama pants. You know he's not a real WWE person - they don't announce weights under 200 for them. Circle. Lockup. Funaki armbar, twist, Diamondback turns out, armbar of his own, into a wristlock, Funaki rolls into a reverse, single leg takedown, rolling him back to his feet. Whip by Funaki, Diamondback slides under and pops up for a hiptoss. Funaki with a single leg takedown, cover for one, DBack bridges out and pulls of an Oklahoma Roll one no stand off. Circle - double wristlock, Funaki uses a shoulder to take Diamondback down, leaning down to put all the pressure on the wrists, DBack uses a monkey flip to take them both up, and then leaps to the top rope while still having that double wristlock and then coming off with an armdrag. Kinda of a Mexican armdrag, I'd say. Announcers are impressed. Funaki rolls all the way out to the opposite apron, DBack charges, Funaki with a shoulder, turnbuckle smash from outside. Funaki to the top rope - cross body one two no. Snap mare, double boot scrape. Whip, reversed, dropkick but Funaki's got the ropes. Funaki slow to follow - small package one two no. Funaki hits a clothesline to retake control. DBack trying to find a rope to pull himself back up but Funaki socks him. Suplex. Off the ropes, dropkick to the head. Snap mare, CHINlock. Alllllll the way down to the mat. DBack tries to rally his way up, elbows out, DBack off the ropes, but right into a knee. Funaki slow to follow again. Battling back with right hands and forearms. Corner whip, reversed, DBack goes for the kip up headscissors but is pushed to the apron, Funaki's right is blocked, DBack hits a forearm, springboard press but Funaki catches him with a dropkick. German Suplex (!) but DBack lands on his feet (oh that's why), DBack quickly hits a climbing enziguri! That looked nice. Both slow up. DBack just rolls over for the pin one two NO. Funaki up first with a right hand. Corner whip, DBack stops and turns, running forearm connects with Funaki. Funaki misses a clothesline, DBack hits a nice jumping high sidekick. One two NO. Chop. Chop. Corner whip, reversed, DBack with a flip escape from the corner, but is stunned on the landing and Funaki hits the bulldog. One two NO. Turnbuckle smash, and now Funaki's setting up - big slap. Swinging DDT no pushed off, Diamondback with a - um, well it starts like an Acid Drop, but D-Back ends up doing a half flip on the way down, landing the move more as a sleeper neckbreaker. One two three. (4:54) That'd be an upset! I guess he's on the ladder now.

Up next, Dawn and Al on the honeymooon. This is actually the first bit here.

Dawn and Al wedding and honeymoon. (5:52) Al's in a coma. Watch SmackDown! to see if he's dead. Cat: "If I'm in a coma, this is the way I want to do it." Cole yells at him for being insensitive, so I guess we're supposed to take this seriously? That's probably not the preferred option. Dawn and Torrie at Rumble.

Stacker 2 Crutch Shots on Benoit

Chuck Palumbo (280 pounds) vs Keiji Sakoda (237 pounds, already in the ring) - You know, that Keiji, he looks a lot like one of those judges in the posing contest on Monday. How odd. Lockup. Into the ropes, so we get a break. No, Chuck (who, you might have noticed, is white) with a shove and a slap. I guess he's a heel this week. Keiji (who's Asian - no, really!) tries to a punch, but Brian Hebner stops him, warns him about the closed fist, even going as far as hooking the arm to prevent it, leaving him wide open for a cheapshot forearm from Chuck. Hmm, maybe D'Lo is right after all! In protest,, I'll skip the rest of this match. It's not real laziness this week, it's a protest. Wow, I've seen better armdrags on TE than those last two. I think I'm blaming Chuck there. Chuck works on the back. Holy crap, the Torture Rack! He's IS the Main Event! Announcers have no idea what to call that for some reason. Announcers discuss red shoes. Keiji jumps off the top rope into he Jungle Kick. (4:10) No discus punch? I feel cheated.

Next, Heyman/Big Show

Burger King Chokeslam on Rikishi last Thursday

They get paid $20 every time saying "teaching Brock a lesson." That's a little inside tidbit for you. I don't want to say "A-Train talking here is inflicting a career ending injury on me" but then I sorta do. Wow, Big Show is some kinda zombie here. (6:32) Why does Show look down to his left and smile in his graphic? That makes no sense, Heyman's on his right.

Here at the Royal Rumble rules in case you're slow.

And there's Kurt Angle vs Chris Benoit, Undertaker returns.

RAW Retro, Zamboni. 09/28/01

Nunzio (220 pounds, still without a video, X) vs Crash (yellow, Salisbury, NC, 214 pounds, X) - No sign of Jamie or Nidia. Crash opts to go in the ring like a normal person because this is SERIOUS. Circle. Nunzio wants handshake? Crash thinks it over - and shakes the hand of Mike Choida! Nunzio doesn't find that nearly as amusing as Crash and I do - Nunzio charges but misses with a clothesline, runs into a drop toe hold. Crash waits for him to gup, right hand, cover one two no. Slam, no, Nunzio lands behind, waistlock, standing switch, Nunzio with a reverse armbar takedown, Crash with a headscissors, break, both up. Crash with an armdrag into an armbar. Up into an armbar. Twist. Headlock. Nunzio tries to shoot him off but Crash blocks. Back suplex but Crash lands on his feet, Crash quickly lifts Nunzio up on his shoulders and drops him with an electric chair suplex one two NO. Corner whip, reversed, Nunzio kips up, Nunzio crotches him on the ropes. Nunzio with an arm smash on the corner. Crank around the ropes. Breaking the count. Trying another but Crash punches him - Nunzio falls off the apron, cranking the arm. Stomp to the arm. Twist. Shoulder to the shoulder. Again. Nunzio pulls down his knee pad for some reason, then hits a high knee to the shoulder. Back rake. Armbar into a hammerlock, headlock into a cover one Nunzio's shoulder isn't really down so Choida stops counting, Nunzio reveres one two NO (I guess - didn't look too much like he got it up, or up for long). Nunzio with a clothesline one two no. Stomp. Armbar and a twist. Kick to the shoulder. Wristlock - Crash with a bodyscissors rollup one two no. Clothesline and going for a cross arm breaker but Crash blocks it just enough to get to the ropes. Crash's arm really hurts now. Nunzio with an armbar, flipping Crash to the ground, surfboard on the arm. Crash getting back to his feet - forearms are visibly not connecting (bad camera angle, although a bit looser than normal) but Nunzio sells them anyway. Nunzio turns it on a hammerlock, running Crash shoulder first into the corner. Now Nunzio recharges in, right into a back elbow. Crash side steps the next charge. Nunzio charge out into a boot, off the ropes spinning DDT. Can he cover? One two NO. Corner whip, Nunzio leaps to the second rope but Crash quickly pulls him off with a second rope inside cradle powerbomb. Slow to cover one two no. Stomp. Wristlock, but Nunzio with a knee. Whip, reversed, Nunzio grabs the ropes, Crash charges into a backdrop but lands on the apron. Forearm for Nunzio, sliding back in under the ropes and Nunzio. Waistlock, but Nunzio springboards off the ropes and hits the second rope spinning armbar takedown one two three. (4:49)

That's it.