corporate open, show open, :45 of my life wasted everyday.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Rednecks (532 pounds) vs Jim Duggan and Eugene (w/the American Flag and his 2x4, 502 pounds) - there's three people with taunting Cade and Murdoch signs, and they're THRILLED. By the by, this is Heat #463 and your hosts are Todd and - since Coach is busy with RAW GM business - Jech. (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO! FREE JOSH!) Maybe Duggan and Eugene they weren't allowed to team up on RAW (but Heat's okay?) Why am I trying to find an explanation here? We all know there is not. Duggan starts a USA chant, because apparently we lost Texas back to the Mexicans and/or Spaniards. Eugene hugs the 2x4. Now he's riding it like a horse. Duggan smartens him up, they're supposed to be wrestling here. Jech: "Eugene will not let go of Duggan's wood." Ah ha ha ha ha. Ref Chad finally yanks Duggan's  wood away from Eugene, and drops it outside the ring. Are they going to star the match soon? No, Duggan needs to start a Eugene chant - he'll eventually fight Cade here. Everyone's in the wrong corners too, I don't know what's going on. Eugene does his dances. First contact is about 1:30 into the match. There's 90 seconds of my life I'll never get back. Lockup, Eugene backed into the corner, break. Eugene's got an idea- it's to do his butt dance. What an idea there. Cade headlock, takedown, Eugene leaned over for a one count. Holding it in. Leaning it over. Todd had not-fun time with Cade and Murdoch in Europe. Whip, shoulderblock by Cade, Cade looks at him. Off the ropes, over, into a hiptoss. Trevor in - no, Trevor wants no part of Eugene. He does distract Eugene, allowing Cade to run him over. Headlock, takedown, tag to Murdoch, Murdoch drops an elbow. Headlock. Big fan of the headlocks today. Eugene turns, out of it, but Trevor trips him down to the mat in a double wristlock (or, rather, Eugene trips himself.) Trevor switches to an armbar as they get back up, and works over the right shoulder. Eugene trying to draw from the crowd, but the crowd will pass. Eugene rolls to a reversal, getting his own armbar and tag. Tag to Duggan. Punch to the arm. Punch the head. Another punch. Whip, clothesline, clothesline, clothesline sends Trevor out. Cade checks on Trevor, and I think this is where we have our commercial break. (4:15

And we do

WWE UnCut [05/19]: Mickie asks you not to hold her to the same standards as Trish. (Sorta.)

We return as Trevor has another headlock, Duggan shots him off, and Trevor knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Tag to Cade. Right. Kick. Kicking him in the corner. Hard corner whip, except Duggan doesn't hit all that hard. Cade put a lot of effort in it, anyway. Cade with a forearm, but Duggan fires back with punches. Cade stops that with a knee. Corner whip, Duggan moves out of the way on the charge. Todd: "[Duggan & Eugene] have wrestled together before, they haven't been that consistent of a team" - turning on each other will do that.  Hot? Tag to Eugene. Right hands by Eugene to Cade. Windup right. Eugene's fired up. Jumping shoulderblock. Right for Trevor on the apron. Eugene grabs Cade and they back step to the ropes, so Trevor can get in a blind tag as Eugene whips Cade, Cade inverted atomic drop, Trevor big boot. Eugene rolls out, grabbing his head. Duggan tries to help by clapping near his head. I dunno. Duggan's backup strategy is to ask for a USA chant as he goes back to his corner. Murdoch out to collect Eugene,  posting him before he brings Eugene back in. Tag by Cade, slam and assisted legdrop. Cade with a short clothesline one two no. One two NO. USA. Chinlock. Up to their feet, and Cade headlock, with Eugene elbowing out. Eugene punching, but the third is caught and Cade spinebusters him. One Duggan breaks it up. Cade brings Eugene back into his corner, and tags in Trevor. Right hands. Eugene trying to crawl for a tag and gets forearmed. Trevor throws a punch in Duggan's direction, which just gets Duggan mad. Eugene brought back to the corner, tag to Cade. Eugene crawls for a tag, but Cade runs him back into the corner. Tag to Trevor for more punches. Whip, Trevor puts his head down too soon, and Eugene kicks it. (About time, this has been dragging.) Tag to Cade, and he catches Eugene in time. Cade drags Eugene back and tries an elbow drop, but Eugene just crawls away from that. Cade gets up, and tags Trevor instead of chasing Eugene. Trevor grabs Eugene just in time, but Eugene kicks him off and finally makes that tag. Trevor's punch is blocked, Duggan right, left, right, left, big right,. Forearm, and both guys slip and go down. Duggan decides to stay on top and punches. Whip, back elbow. Off the ropes, Old Glory knee drop! One two Cade breaks it up, and Eugene breaks that up. Somehow, Jech's gone on this rant which ends with "Could Hacksaw be the next champion?" I guess he means tag champ. I hope! Trevor whipped into the corner, Duggan three point stance, charge, and Murdoch moves out of the way in time. Kick, DDT, one two three. (9:50) let's never do that again

WWE Side Splitters [05/07]: Stone Cold CEO

the Highlanders (Oben, Scotland, 34 Stone) vs John Everett & Christian Jacobs (475 pounds, already in the ring, looking exactly the same) - Your ref is Jack. Both guys discuss how they have no idea who either of these guys are. Todd: "The Highlanders weight in at 34 stone - I have no idea what that translates too." Why did you tell us that? "Here's something I probably should know, but haven't bothered to figure out." That's so dumb. FREE JOSH. Announcers discuss Van Halen, which goes nearly as well for Todd. Jech goes Gorilla on us dropping a muscle name. This is every WWE tag match ever, you're not missing anything. Todd talks about not knowing Nitro and Melina's specific relation. Todd doesn't know a lot this week. Scot Drop 2.0 wins it. (4:13)

DVD: 4 Horseman. The thing is, Bischoff saying "I wish I didn't do that one" could mean so many things, but it also means he's okay with so many other things they did.

Slam of the Week: HBK down, Edge down, Randy Orton now. Is Kenny taking a shower in his gear and track pants? Kenny's weird!

Mystery solved - except WHY they'd do this match. Was this the angle they wanted to use the Psych guys in? That would've made this one an all-timer. They air this unedited, which shows you how many people they think watch this show. (4:32)

Up Next: Cryme Tyme vs Viscera & Cryme Tyme. oh no

Umaga highlight video. Why? I dunno.

Chris Masters (Las Vegas, NV, 267 pounds) and Viscera (Harlem, NY, 487 pounds) vs Cryme Tyme (Brooklyn, NY, 510 pounds) - the battle for New York! Tommy Dreamer was not consulted. Todd: "That is a lot of meat in the ring." I think he's spend too long away from the wife. Your ref is Marty. JTG will dance to start us off. Also, Chris Masters. Lockup, down goes JTG. JTG probably should have a better plan than locking up here. Circle. Lockup - guess he doesn't. Masters walks him back into the corner. Masters tries a corner punch, and JTG ducks out. And dances. Masters talking, and then kicking. Punch, scoop, slam, Masters misses an elbow drop. JTG grabs him in a headlock, shot off, blind tag by Shad, JTG ducks a clothesline and slides out, and Shad scoops and slams Masters. Tag back to JTG, slingshot spinebuster splash onto Masters, one two NO. JTG rams Masters back to the corner (!?) and tags in Shad. JTG and Shad back up, and JTG's whipped in with a clothesline.  Shad follows with one of his own. Shad's fired up, but not rip off his shirt fired up. Shad picks up Masters, but Masters eye rakes him. Tag to Viscera. Shad and JTG have a discussion, and it's not about cupcakes. Shoving, punching - Shad blocks and ducks and gets one in. Whip, reversed, clothesline misses, Shad's hit, but Vis isn't going down. shad off the ropes again, and into a side slam. Jech: "Viscera drop!" No, not really. Viscera picks up Jech, and rips off his shirt! You can't do that, he dos that! Chest slap. Tag to Masters, who stomps. Boot choke. Choke on the rope. Running knee to the back. Masters talking trash, while JTG hitting the corner to hope for a tag. Not yet, though. Tag to Viscera, Masters holds shad for a forearm. Standing chinlock. Shad rallying up, and elbowing up, kinda. There hasn't been a horrific blown spot kind of bad yet, but it's been a nice hum of consistently under average stuff. Vis stops Shad with a forearm, and tag in Masters. Knees to the back. Shad overselling and screaming like usual. One two no. Suplex, one two no. Tag to Viscera, elbow drop to the back. Vis teases bringing back the Visagara with a hip swivel, but goes for the big splash instead. Shad moves out of the way in time either way. Shad's got a long way to get to a tag, but it's about that time. JTG rallying the crowd. Tag to Masters, Masters waits a bit too obviously for Shad to finally crawl over and make the tag, tag to JTG. JTG ducks punches and hits his own, though Masters isn't going down for any of them. Whip, reversed, spinning back elbwo finally gets him down. Dropkick, dropkick. JTG promises to get it popping. Corner charge, Masters gets his boot up, but JTG slides out and trips him up. JTG going up - missile dropkick. JTG is thrilled, but probably should pay attention to the five hundred pound man behind him. Viscera clotheslines him down, and knocks Shad down as he tries to get up. Big chest slap. Masters whips Vis into a corner charge on JTG, but JTG ducks out of the way and forearm Masters down. shad boots Viscera, which stagers him, and Cryme Tyme knock him out of the ring with a double hammers. Ref Marty kicks Shad out, while Masters rakes JTG's eyes. Suplex - no, JTG slips free, reverse roll up one two three. (8:00) Wow, totally clean and without a tag tam move. Masters can't believe it. Cryme Tyme celebrate.

That's it.