corp open, heat open
Victoria (Las Angeles, CA) vs Mickie James (Richmond, VA) - Your actually announces are Josh and Jech, and this is Heat #462. Substitute Ring Announcer Todd is faking a real deep voice. Josh: "Todd Grisham doing his best to sound like a man." Crowd is really thrilled to see Mickie. Your ref is Jack. Lockup, Mickie thrown down by her head. Announcers question the logic of Mickie wrestling Victoria this close to Backlash. Lockup, Victoria with an armbar, cartwheel escape, Mickie kinda falls down and Victoria kinda covers her, one two no - what was that? I guess a Victoria arm drag. Whip, Mickie slides thru Victoria legs. Armdrag, one legged monkey flip, and throwing down Victoria by the hair. Mickie backs Victoria into the corner, but Victoria turns it around and gives her a shoulder to the midsection. Victoria to the middle rope, monkey flip very gently allows Mickie to handstand out. Snap mare, dropkick to the face, one two no. Camel clutch! (Jech: "cobra clutch" bzzzzzt) Victoria powers out of it, one again proving Mickie James is not the Iron Sheik. Easy to be confused. Victoria charges Mickie in the corner, Mickie tries a 'rana, Victoria kinda sorta blocks her into a powerbomb. That could've been crippling, but Mickie kicks out of the corner. Mickie thrown around by her hair. Behind the back hair yank. Victoria taunting now. Victoria slams Mickie face first into the mat. Mickie forearms her way up, but her spinning heel kick is caught - and Victoria yanks Mickie into the splits. That can't be fun. Victoria runs her over with a kick for good measure. Stomp. Victoria with - what is that? Like a standing half crab, with a foot on Mickie's back. Josh: "Mickie could tear an ACL, a MCL, a WCL" - that one would be something. Mickie escapes with a drop toe hold. Victoria goes to pick her up, and gets a small package one two no. Victoria's forearm blocked, Mickie's not. And Again. And Again. Forearms, Josh: "roaring elbow", which allows him to drop Masato Tanaka. Mickie get to toss Victoria round by her hair now. Whip, reversed, Mickie clothesline, one two no. Victoria stops Mickie's run with a knee. Hard corner whip. Victoria charge in, and meets knee. Mickie goes for the corner headscissors again, and this time it works. Mickie waits for Victoria to get up, ducks under a clothesline, neckbreaker one two no. Maybe Mickie shouldn't react to the kickout before it happens. Kick yelling DDT, no, Victoria lifts Mickie up on her shoulders, Spider's Web! That's the spinning side slam, one two NO. Victoria throws a mini fit, but does get back to work. Snake Eyes - no, Mickie slips free. Kick, aaaaaah big DDT one two three. (5:35)
WWE Uncut [04/28]: Michael Cole says the three biggest stars ever on SmackDown were the Rock - and I guess you have to watch to find the out the other two.
Chris Masters (Los Angeles, CA, 278 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 244 pounds) - Josh (deadpan): "Here comes everyone's favorite superstar." Hey, didja hear Masters got his broke hold by Lashley? Why is Val's towel purple? Jech notices the same thing, and Josh rips him for it. I'm sad for both of us. Your ref is Marty. Lockup, Masters with a waistlock takedown, front facelock, Val reveres to a hammerlock, knees to the arm. Armbar. Josh: "How long does it take to get a masters? I have a PHD myself." ASK HIM. Jech does not. Whip, reversed, Val with a hiptoss, armdrag, armbar. Whip, running knee, running - no, Masters got an elbow up to stop that, though it wasn't real clear. Masters clothesline is clear enough. Rights and lefts to the head. Marty warns Masters, who just stares at him. Whip, abdominal stretch. Josh talks about being punched in the face. ASK HIM. Jech does not. Josh instead talks about the problems of being in an abdominal stretch. Jech: "This is one of the most painful, devastating submission holds that there is." UH HUH. Val's pain and agony are masked by a look of boredom, actually. Or is that me? Josh goes Captain segue on me. Val does not submit to the hold, but gets out with a hiptoss. Masters up first anyway. Slam, elbow drop, no one home. Elbow drop, no one home. A plan B, perhaps? Masters still gets in a whip, but puts his head down too soon and gets it kicked. Val off the ropes, right into a forearm. Masters off the ropes, and Val clotheslines him. Back elbow, double ax, kick, neckbreaker, one two no. Corner clotheslines time. No one counts along. Marty yells at him to back off. Back suplex powerbomb one two no. Gotta get in the half nelson slam. Oh, no, Masters spinebusters him first. That was a fine one. Masters pulling himself up on the ropes. He's looking tired. Val up slower, so Masters has plenty of time to grab him for the Masterlock. It's not locked, though, and Val switches - half nelson is equally blocked. Masters kicks free, full nelson, no, full nelson slam by Masters. One two three. (4:55) That's logical enough. Why didn't we think of that before?
Once again, they fill about time while we watch Masters go all the way to the back. And then we look at the empty ring. Huh? Now we've got Marty and Val are talking about something. Where's Val going? He wants the microphone? Why? "Masters, you are good, there's no question about it, you beat me fair and square, one two three, but the big Valbowski want a challenge, and I want another shot, right here, right now." Uh, huh. Chris Masters is back out, without music. I guess he's good to go. Ref Marty is still there, and calls for the bell.
Chris Masters vs Val Venis, take 2 - Val starts out firing away on punches. Masters throwing wild punch back, Val takes him down and throws more punches. Forearm, both guys have each other grabbing each other by the head. Masters eye rake. Whip, reversed, spinebuster, and Val's wasting no time going up this time. All the way up, wasting no time up top either, Money Shot connects! One two three. (:42) What just happened here? So very strange. Did they get a bad time cue and had to fill? Is this a feud? Is Masters screwed? Yes. Val does make "1 and 1" hand signals, so I guess this isn't over.
WWE Sidesplitters [04/30]: the Mountie goes to jail. They keep showing this, don't they?
Cryme Tyme (Brooklyn, NY, 510 pounds) vs the World's Greatest Tag Team (486 pounds) - I hope Todd got mocked for his fake deep voice. Josh did rip him, so that's a start. Your ref is Chad. Hey, remember when this was a feud? No? No. Shad and Shelton start? Josh: "Yea, I told you, I have a PhD in [distracted]" ASK HIM. Josh lost his train of thought, because Shelton thought it'd be wise to start the match by slapping Shad, and Shad punched him in the head. Shad shows off his shoulderblock. Armbar, tag to JTG, thank god. Corner whip, double back elbow, handshake elbow drops. JTG taunting. Armbar, Shelton backs up JTG, so Shad tags himself in. Shad with a whip, big press, but Shelton eye rakes his way free. Shelton charges, but Shad drops him with a side slam. Shad tags out while he checks his eye. JTG goes to the corner, sits on Shad's shoulders, leans back while having a headscissors on his partner, and Shad slingshots him forward for a big splash on Shelton. That's new. Shelton stops that with an eye poke. JTG thrown into the middle turnbuckle. Tag to Haas. Knee to the back. Forearm. Whip, clothesline misses, JTG with a spinning back elbow. Clothesline, kinda dropkick, one two no. Whip, reversed, head down too soon, JTG knees it. Right. JTG backdrops to the apron, but he punches Haas from there. Too bad Shelton takes off his head with a superkick. JTG may be done. Stomps. JTG rammed back first into the corner. Left hands, right hands. Corner whip, JTG stumbles out into an overhead belly to belly suplex one two no. Tag to Shelton, slingshot stomp to the back. Forearm. Chinlock. JTG elbows out, but Shelton whips him into the corner. Shelton charges, but JTG gets up an elbow. JTG with a lot of jabs. A big left misses, and Shelton pulls him into a backbreaker, one two no. Tag to Haas, who kicks and forearms. Stomp. Spinebuster. Half crab. Jech is nostalgic for this two show run of Heat before it even ends. Josh promises to put his photo on his fridge, right next to the 8x10s of his other former co-hosts. Tag to Shelton. Stomps. JTG tried to fight his way up, but Shelton gets him in a front facelock. Knees to the midsection. Whip, head don too soon, and JTG DDTs him. JTG's close to the corner, but he's not moving at all. Shelton crawls over, tags Haas, Haas walks over, and JTG finally reaches up and makes that tag. Shad shoulderblocks Haas, shoves Shelton off the apron, clothesline for Haas, whip, backdrop. Shelton in, Shelton slammed. There's the shirt rip. Snake Eyes for Haas, and Shad runs him over with a running forearm, one two no, Shelton breaks him up. JTG takes Shelton out of the ring with a headscissors and then comes back in for the G9 on Haas, one two three. (6:50)
Seeing Superstars [no date listed]: Timberland
Johnny Nitro (Los Angeles, CA, 219 pounds) vs Eugene (Louisville, KY, 250 pounds) - Lots of LA people today. Josh is disappointed about no Melina. This is a contrast. Eugene starts the match with a dance. Jech: "I think Eugene is a mastermind." Josh can barely hold off laughing. Lockup, into the corner, break. Nitro shows off his abs. Eugene does the butt dance, right as Josh is hitting the climax of making fun of Jech's mastermind comment. Circle. Lockup, headlock, shot off, over, and now they're just running the ropes criss cross. Eugene puts up the stop sign, puts up the look up sign, eye poke. Bite the butt. Which shouldn't probably work through Nitro's pocket. Butt dance. Nitro enziguris him, yay. One two no. Mounted punches. Neck vice. Long neck vice. Josh: "Eugene may pass out." I thought he fixed that? Eugene turns out of it, but Nitro quick knees him in the back of head. Stomps. Rights. He's working the head, as a replay shows us. Boot choke. Quiet match. Nitro turns Eugene over to cover, one two no. Chinlock with a knee to the back. Usually when they show a replay, someone got hurt good, and this match has been untracked since the knee to the back of the head, so maybe Eugene's a bit out of it here? On the other hand, Eugene's milking breaking out of the chinlock, so maybe this really is the pace they want. He eventually gets it, only for Nitro to immediately jab him in the midsection. Slam, Nitro with a delayed cover, one two no. Kicking Eugene around with the flat of his boot. Turnbuckle smash doesn't come close to hitting, but I guess we pretend it does because Eugene's powering up here. Nitro keeps doing it, and it's time to Eugene up. YOU, left, right, left, right, left, windup right. Off the ropes, clothesline, clothesline, fired up dance. There's airplane spin - no, Eugene can't get him up, and Nitro gets in knees the midsection., Eugene tries a clothesline, Eugene grabs and spins into a backslide one tow no. Corner whip, reversed, Nitro charges in, Eugene backdrops him out, Nitro lands on the apron and snaps his neck over the rope. Nitro to the middle rope - knee to the back of Eugene's head, driving him into the mat. Nitro takes a picture - Rude Awakening (with hip swivel) neckbreaker, one two three. (5:40) Josh makes sure to get in one more shot.