corp open, show open.

Cryme Tyme (Brooklyn, NY, 520 pounds) vs Bryce Andrews & Mike Bennett (432 pounds, already in the ring) - This is Heat #460, and your announcers are bored/tired sounding Coach and Todd. They immediately talk about the upcoming Europe trip, so maybe packing wore them out. Shad puts his cap  on ref Marty, and Marty somehow doesn't appreciate the spirit of giving. Giving is quite unlike this team. Coach says he could not possibly be more excited to go to Europe, but I just don't believe him. Usual start JTG and Guy Who's Never Quite Been Identified. Announcers talk about Cade/Murdoch vs the Hardyz - Coach is less fired up about his boys road to glory than I'd figured. Coach is true to form when complaining about Cryme Tyme asking RAW GM Michael Pena for a better deal instead of him. Tossed flying clothesline, check. Shad's tagged in, let's see what he does. Big toss so the other guy can come in, shoulderblock, scoop, walking with him on his shoulder, snake eyes, off the ropes, killing forearm and that's it. JTG dances his way to take a 1 on 2, so they actually get the heat for about 14 seconds before Shad gets tagged back in clotheslines everyone he can fine. Six clothesline, and the shirt is off. One of the locals is press slammed out, and G9 on the other. (3:19) What does G9 mean, anyway?

WWE UnCut [04/15]: Hogan talks about his career being almost over. SUBTLE. 

Kenny Dykstra (Worchester, MA, 242 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 234 pounds) - did they give on Kenny quick? I guess it's more likely they're just pacing him. Apparently, Val is demanding this rematch, looking for a Haas like rematch. Coach kinda mocks having the same matches week after week. Todd and Coach bemoan the lack of money shots in their lives. Val's just throws the towel towers the announce desk, by the way. Circle. Your ref is Jack. Lockup, Kenny with a hiptoss, pose. Lockup, Kenny armdrag. TWO. Kenny is happy. Crowd is dead. Coach: "Right now, the crowd at a fever pitch...hearing myself breath." Scoop, slam. Val backs into the corner. Kenny mocking Val with claps. Val clapping back. Lockup, Val backed into the corner. Kenny misses a clothesline, Val hiptosses him out of the corner. Now Val wants Kenny - armdrag, slam, yell. Running knees time; best part ever when Val raises his arm up to get people to cheer, and there's no noise at all. This is a mighty big library they're wrestling in. One two NO. Forearm. Forearm. Corner whip, reversed, Kenny runs into a back elbow. Val hops to the middle buckle, but Kenny pulls him to the mat by his head. Elbow smashes to the back of the neck. Jumping Stomp! One two no. Announcers talk about the wacky double ref bit from Monday. Side slam. One two no. Val trying to fight his way up from a mat, but nothing's more debilitating than a forearm to the back. Corner whip, down goes Val. Elbow drop to the back. Val dragged on the apron for a falling elbow drop. Choke around the top rope. Val with punches. Whip, back elbow. Kick, suplex - no, his back just hurts too much, shocking. Kenny gets a suplex instead. Elbow drops to the back. Coach making fun of the crowd again. One two no. Chinlock with a knee into the back. Coach and Todd agree that Kenny wants never ever to be stuck fight Val again. Val trying to draw from the crowd. The crowd does not allow withdrawals. That doesn't actually make any sense, but neither does Val asking for help from a dead crowd. Kenny stops him, tries to slam him, Val slips free, and punches. Corner whip, down goes Kenny. Corner whip, down goes Kenny. Val clothesline, back elbow, back elbow, whip, backdrop, but oh, his back is hurting. Crowd always pops for the backdrop. Neckbreaker, one two no. Back suplex powerbomb one two NO. Todd drops "countenance" on us. Kenny trying to get out, Val pulls him in, catches a kick, seamen suplex one two NO. Crowd making some noise on the near falls. Val going for the inverted figure four - and he's got it! This only happens twice a year. Kenny's got to get to the ropes, but he can't quite reach them yet. Kenny's thinking about taping, thinking about taping - is the crowd just badly miced? I'm not sure - and Kenny has the bottom rope. Val tries for the half nelson slam, but Kenny breaks free, shoves Val into the ropes, clothesline is turned into a Val crucifix rollup, one two NO, Kenny reverses it and pulls the tights, one two three (7:24) Hey, Kenny, you just had to cheat to beat Val Venis. At least he doesn't appear happy about it. 

WWE Sidesplitters 04/16: Drunk JBL vs a T-Rex

Chris Masters (Los Angeles, CA, 267 pounds) vs Mike Edwards (Bridgeport, CT, 238 pounds, already in the ring) - we get the full Masters entrance; they must've bought these fireworks in bulk. I think Masters is still employed so they can mention Lashley broke his hold each and every match. Coach says it was a GOOD thing Masters lose the streak, because now the pressure is off. I hate that logic - you're in it to win. Punches, punches, punches. Todd drops "cricket." Tree of Woe. Stomps. Your ref is Chad. Corner whip, corner whip, kick, double underhook suplex! A move! Stomp. Knee to the back. I can't believe Mike is going to get the heat in this match. Bad looking snap mare. Masters has trouble setting up his next move, and it's only a ram into the corner. Masters charging clothesline, no, Mike moved out of the way. Mike slow to follow up. Rights - Masters is probably trying to sell them too much. Whip, no, Masters isn't going. Masters misses the short clothesline, Edwards off the ropes, jumping shoulderblock, Masters is slightly budged. End it! Edwards off the ropes, crossbody caught, turned into a backbreaker, held on and Edwards is stood up for the Masterlock. Mike Edwards is not Bobby Lashley. One arm drop, that's it. (2:43) Masters takes his time letting go. I think we had two holds. Masters sticks around to pose some.

WWE MY Day Off 04/22: John Cena works out with a concert winner.

Eugene - still bald, still with a green jacket, is out to shoot off the t-shirt gun. The Bulls have this t-shirt gun that looks like an arm palming a basketball, and it's so creepy. Coach complains that this is wasting time they could be spending on the main event. Exciting footage of Eugene shooting t-shirts off into the crowd. This is sure a climatic finish to the show. We can't even see the t-shirt half of the time, because of the small, small screen. Coach says we need to move on, and makes a phone call off headset. He's a smart man. Ah, there's Great Khali's music. Is there a special Great Khali hotline? 1-800-KHALI-ME. Eugene tries to stop Khali with a t-shirt shot, but Khali is unphased. Todd says Eugene did it by accident, because that's how this bit's ran the million times they've done it off camera. Boot. Choke. Elbows. Goozle. Karate chop! Goozle. Two hands now. Chokelift, and drop - so hard the camera shakes! Pose. What a way to end this show. This is much better than an actual Eugene/Khali match, that's for sure. Coach has decided this is a great finish, and so they'll end the show right here. RAW! Europe!

That's it.