whatever I normally say here.

Chris Masters (Los Angeles, CA, 278 pounds) vs Eugene (Louisville, KY, 242 pounds) - Your announcers are Todd and Coach for this Heat # and they are making no sense. I guess we're supposed to enjoy the Chris Masters while he lasts, which can't be for a month or two more. Eugene's hair still isn't growing back, how odd. He's on his way to being the third Highlander with this look. Your ref is Marty, and he accepts the handshake and hug from Eugene. Chris Masters, not so much. I guess the hair is growing back slightly, but I would've thought Eugene would be less bald at this point. Lockup, Eugene shoved into the corner, break so Masters can pose. Coach: "Eugene's never seen a gym, and he doesn't even know a guy name Jim!" Someone should introduce him to Koderas at the next intra-brand show. Eugene responds to the posing by doing his butt dance, and running away. Lockup, Masters armbar, twist, wristlock, twisting it, and making quite a show of it. Masters appears to be trying for the win with this wristlock, but sadly it doesn't work. Eugene rolls into a reversal and twists it the other way. Todd makes the same Highlander joke. Eugene with a headlock, shot off, back, and Masters wins the shoulderblock. Stomps. Slam. Legdrop. One two no. Eugene with shots to the chest. Coach says 2007 could be the year of Chris Masters. Could be the year of Chris Masters getting another career, more like it. Knees to the inside of the knee. Reverse neckbreaker. One two no. Neck vice. Who thought this match was a good idea? Eugene selling and Masters showing off his lack of moves. I understand that this is supposed to be a rehab win over a sympathetic babyface but it's not working so much. Eugene elbows his way free. Masters stops that with an eye poke. Turnbuckle smash - no, Eugene blocks it. Masters shows no emotion and does it again, and of course Eugene blocks it again. Eugene pounds his own head into the buckle. YOU. Block, right, left right, right, left, windup right. Masters doesn't go down, but that's so they can do the airplane spin. Todd: "He just picked up a three hundred pound man!" Uh, no. Eugene not really much dizzy this time, off the ropes, flying shoulderblock. Eugene setting up, Rock Bottom, Masters doing a less than Masterful job elbowing his way out but it counts, and Masters throws Eugene chest first into the corner. Eugene rebounds out backwards, and it's time for the Masterlock. Now it's "only one man has broken out of it." Coach says this is all payback for Eugene laughing at Vince. Eugene fading, fading, coming back, coming back, fading, fading, one arm drop - that's enough for ref Marty. (5:31) but it felt like three hours. But that's because I paused it for three hours to go watch anything else. It happens.

Still to come: Val Venis vs Kenny Dykstra

WWE UnCut (04/15): Huh, Hulk Hogan talking about how his career is coming to an end. I'm guessing this was a DVD extra. 

Candice Michelle (Milwaukee, WI) vs Victoria (Los Angeles, CA) - This should be interesting. Victoria with a headlock, headlock takedown, Candice with a headscissors reversal, one two no. Victoria with a headlock, headlock takedown. Todd restates what Coach just said, leading Coach to include that Todd is still years away from being ready for Raw. Headscissors reversal by Candice, and Victoria kips free again. Candice with a snap mare, running head snap. Candice picks up Victoria, and eventually settles on headlock. They oddly stumble towards a corner, but Candice nicely performs a jumping snap mare. Announcers flip back and forth between "they sure are pretty" comments to a "Candice has improved - but is she on Victoria's level" focus on the match at a high rate of speed. Ref is Jack, by the way. Victoria gets free and stomps Candice. Candice tossed around by her hair. Victoria asks everyone to get quite, and they don't. Victoria throws Candice down by her had, sits down on her back, and pulls at her mouth. Coach: "I love when Candice screams - not necessarily like that." Nice save. Victoria relents after being bored with the warning. She seems unconcerned about this match. Behind the back hair pull, Candice flips in front of Victoria and kicks her way free. Off the ropes, and Vic stops her with a back elbow. One t- NO. Victoria: "How's your NEW NOSE Candice? How's your nose Candice?" Ohhhh, that's right. Todd reminds us about Victoria breaking Candice's old nose with a kick. Victoria goes for a lower kick here, but Candice catches the boot, and does a - well, the idea was for a dragon screw legwhip, and it didn't actually work, but it still looked like a move. Victoria up first and limping, but Victoria stops her with kicks. Corner whip, reversed, Victoria charges into a back elbow. Candice to the top rope - there's her headscissors around the top rope move. (Wikipedia says this is the Candylicious, which I've never heard in my life but must've been in a magazine somewhere. And it's horrible and perfect.) Candice lets go at five, and Candice goes up top as Victoria stumbles away, and then sorts of waits for Candice to jump - cross body, one wait no that shouldn't have counted since Victoria's shoulder was up, so Jack stops, and restarts counting one two no. That was semi-confusing. Candice with a forearm, Victoria stops her from more and kicks him. Slam, setting up, shaky shaky moonsault, but Candice moves out of he way. Candice with a side kick to the midsection, side kick a little higher, another side kick. Off the ropes, wheel kick, one two three! (4:34) Candice Michelle has a move! She also has an injury payback win. Candice points to herself - she NOSE who won.

WWE Lifestyles of the Built and Dangerous: more Trevor Murdoch

Viscera (Harlem, NY, 487 pounds) vs Patrick Busch (Queens, NY, 218 pounds, already in the ring) - Viscera turned back face when no one was looking, judging from how he's acting today. Lockup, down goes Patrick. Lockup, Patrick ducks under, dropkick doesn't budge him. Patrick runs into a clothesline, and that may be all he gets in this match. To the corner for some chest slaps. Hiptoss. Headbutt.  Whip, back elbow. Off the ropes, elbow drop. Patrick shoved into the corner. Chest slap. Corner whip. Revving up - and Patrick moves out of the way of the charge. Right, right, off the ropes, directly into the wheel kick. He got a foot in the face. Hipswivel. Off the ropes, VD, one two three. (2:14) That's all that needed to be.

WWE Ringside Reality 04/12: Layla talks about wanting to be in the WWE. 

Kenny Dykstra (Worchester, MA, 234 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 244 pounds) - Producers give Coach plenty of material - I'm almost suspecting they choose less attractive women just so Coach can make funny lines! Val just chucks the towel into the crowd. Lockup, Val with a waistlock, takedown, into a front facelock, reversed into a hammerlock, Kenny up and with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Kenny off the ropes, over, into a hiptoss, armdrags, dropkick, Kenny out, Val almost out after till ref Chad pulls him back. Kenny takes his time, but he's back in plenty of time. Lockup, Kenny with a knee, forearm to the back. Whip, quick reverse, and it's time for the running knees. No one much responds, even though he's been doing these four years. Knee, knee, Russian legsweep, two. Val with a series of short kneelifts, gut buster, one two no. Forearm. Corner whip, Kenny reverses it, Val kips up and out, Kenny backs into a waistlock, Val tries a German suplex, Kenny blocks it, slips out, and drop toe holds Val into the turnbuckle. Dropping the Hammer x 3. One two nope. Coach slips and calls him "Lenny Dykstra" - who had him in the pool? Choke on the middle rope. Short clothesline, holding on, short clothesline, one two no. Chinlock with a knee in the back. 

RAW: HBK vs Randy Orton [1, WWE]

That was a random plug. Coach is rooting for Orton. Val trying to rally with help form the crowd. Crowd could give a fig. Elbowing out. Right. Off the ropes, Kenny puts his head down too soon and gets it kicked hard. Crowd reacts on that. Val off the ropes, into a Kenny dropkick. Kenny slow to cover, one two no. Jumping stomp. Off the ropes, elbow dropt to the back of the neck. One two NO. Whip, jumping back elbow, I think. One two no. That was more about showing off vertical leap than anything. Chinlock with knee in the back. Crowd is looking at the countdown timer till the end of the match, same as me. Val battling up, punches, but Kenny stops that with a forearm. Slam off the ropes, elbow drop, but Val's not there. Coach is inverting a secret Kenny/Flair partnership, and seems to have forgotten them feuding. Happens. Kenny tries to grab Val, but Val kicks him in the head. Val to the corner, Kenny charges in and gets an elbow. Clothesline, back elbow, back elbow, whip, backdrop. Crowd didn't care at all, and then got very loud on the back drop. Back suplex into a powerbomb, one two no. Seaman suplex, one two no. Val charges once again, and takes a flapjack onto the ropes. Kenny calls for it, setup, stars, taps the heel, spinning inverted DDT one two three. (5:28)

That's it.