corp open - Vince vs Trump recap, thru Umaga fighting Lashely on RAW (2:00) - Heat open
Eugene (Louisville, KY, 242 pounds) vs Tony Jones (San Francisco, 252 pounds) - your announcers are Todd and Coach for this Heat #454. Lillian's back, yay. Hey, is that the Tony Jones from Beyond the Mat? I think so; doesn't look like he put on that muscle mass JR was looking for. Actually, I'm just surprised he's still wrestling. Your ref is Chad. Crowd chants for Eugene? Crowd is dumb! Don't do the butt dance - aw too late. Coach: "I watch every single minute of every show!" LIES. Coach then laughs, so we're on the same wavelength. We're off to a fine start. Lockup, Tony with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Crowd boos. Coach contemplates if making a gay joke about Eugene is appropriate, and decides to go for it. His pause while thinking about was far funnier than the joke. Headlocks, shot off, over, and now they're criss-crossing. Eugene rolls out to high five everyone in the front row. Now Eugene's making faces. Tony wants to elbow drop Eugene as he comes in, but Chad accidentally blocks his way, and then Tony's too late and just gets mat. ARMbar. Twist, twist. Eugene gets his own armbar and twists it back and forth. Wristlock - no, Eugene with an eye poke, thru the legs, and there's the butt bite. Hey, we're back to Eugene having the same match every week with different people. Tony takes control with a clothesline. Crowd is very loud this week. Slam. Off the ropes, legdrop. One two no. Coach is high on Tony Jones - mostly/only because he's also a bald black man - and talks about signing Tony Jones if he were to win here, but he'd have to look into him first. I suggest Netflix. Forearm to the back. Crowd chanting Eugene while Tony with a sort of camel clutch choke, but not sitting down at all. So, chinlock, yea. Todd: "Tony Jones is a skinner Jonathon Coachman." Need to build up that chest! Coach says there is only one Coach, and we're all very thankful for that. Eugene fading away. Is he dead? Coach says Chad is the best referee on RAW, so he must've paid for drinks last night. One arm drop - no, it's up. Eugene getting back to his feet, Tony stops him with a knee to the midsection. NO NOT THE TURNBUCKLE. Todd: "Have you not watched Eugene for the past two and half years?" And again. And a third time. YOU. Right left right left windup, right. Airplane spin makes us all very dizzy. Whip, boot, and Eugene asks if they want to see it. Off the ropes, Jones cuts him off with a boot. Jones off the ropes, kick wham Stunner one two three. (5:19) Kinda expecting for Eugene to actually do the legdrop and someone to kick out of it one of these days. Coach is looking forward to the day when Eugene gets his own finisher.
Still To Come: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch & Cryme Tyme
WWE Uncut: the Roddy Piper thing they advertised last week
the Highlanders (Oben, Scotland, 34 stone) vs Kabu & Oliver Stone (490 pound, already in the ring) - Coach wonders if Lillian knows what 42 Stone is, but does not explain what 42 stone is so I'm we've got a pot/kettle situation. Todd: "I'll tell you this - I was much more stoned than 42 in college." Oliver Stone? Is this a very special movie edition of Heat? They don't identify the locals here, but I'm going to guess Kabu is the crazy looking guy with long hair. Your ref is Marty. I don't understand why, seeing as one guy's catchphrase is his name, but I still can't keep the Highlanders name's straight if I've gone more than a week without seeing them. It's Rory and Kabu to start. Lockup, Rory with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, clothesline misses, head down too soon, so Rory headbutts it. Double chop. Todd: "Kabu, by the way, no relation to Sabu of ECW fame." Thanks for that. Coach rightly makes fun of Todd. Kabu's head smashed into Robby's head. I get the idea. Slam, slap tag to Rory, Rory's slam on Kabu. Turnbuckle smashes, two three, (down to the middle), four five, six, (down to the lower) seven, eight, nine, (down to the mat) ten. Double chop by Kabu. Whip, dropkick is carefully shown. Headlock, forearm, tag for Rory, who does a headbutt. Headbutt. Choke on the middle rope. Rory distracts the ref so Robby can get a cheap kilt shot on Kabu - wait, are the Highlanders heels here? I think they might be. Dropkick. Slap tag to Robby. Whip, hiptoss. Robby calling for his headbutt, and there's the headbutt drop. Slam. Elbow drop, no one home. Kabu grabs Robby and tags in Oliver. Kick. Big right. I tack back the heel comment. Dropping the hammer. Oliver has quite the Stone Cold rip off look. Forearms, eye rake. Slam. Oliver says that's it! One two no it isn't you goof. Chinlock. Oliver is very fired up for some reason. Robby battling up and back suplexing out. Tag to Rory. Right to Oliver, right to Kabu, right to Oliver, right to Kabu, Scottish Hammer to Oliver, Scottish Hammer to Kabu. Those were odd punches. Backdrop for Oliver. Robby fired up about the backdrop. Kabu misses a clothesline and gets clotheslined out. Double rebound inverted suplex on Oliver one two three. (4:31) I smell conspiracy.
Val Venis' Sex You: Val talks to Maria. A meeting of the minds.
Charlie Haas (Dallas, TX, 249 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 244 pounds) - Charlie explains what he's one half of on the way to the ring. Shelton isn't here because he's recovering from falling on his face. Oh gosh, someone's going to win a match! (It won't be Val.) Coach's rant about not finding hot chicks here. Give away your towel already. This time, the fan actually is excited for it, which is nice. Announcers discuss Vince saying "bald headed freak" to Coach. Did Charlie dye his hair again? Lockup, Charlie with a waistlock, forearm to the back. Val blocks a kick and rams Charlie head first into the corner. And again. Forearm. Whip, back elbow. Scoop, slam. Val fired up way too much, off the ropes, kneedrop, one t-no. Your ref is Jack, by the way. Right by Val. Corner whip, charge in, but Charlie gets a back elbow up. Val stumbles out of the corner, and Charlie kicks him hard in the back of the left knee. Val goes down in pain, and Charlie smiles. Kicks to the knee, setting it up on the bottom rope for a springboard sit. Leg smashed into the apron. Val's knee rammed into the post. Charlie kicking the leg, now taking Val down by the leg, but Val reveres to a small package one two no. Drop toe hold, Indian deathlock by Haas. Kicking the leg, elbow drop to the inside of the leg. Legdrop on the leg. Announcers are selling this like Val's knee is horrifically injured. Kneedrop to the knee. Toehold. Legscissors.
Coach is going on about how ref Jack is no ref Chad. Todd asks him why
Jack is still working, if he's so bad (and Coach is in charge).
Coach: "I don't like seeing people out on the street. I have a heart."
Todd: "A black heart."
Coach: "... why does it always have to be racist?"
Val forearms Charlie off his leg and kicks him away. Suplex - no, he can't get Charlie all the way up. Charlie falls free and kicks Val in the leg some more. Elbow drop to the knee. Todd drops "countenance". Legscissors. Val drops his shoulders, but gets them up before three. And again. Crowd tries rallying Val. Val trying clubbing forearms, and that'll break it up. Charlie cranks Val's leg around the middle rope, while Val punches him. Val back elbows Charlie when he charges in, and then throws him into the post when he charges. Charlie hit that post as hard as I've seen it hit. Val rallying back with clotheslines. Backdrop, but Val is still limping. Kick, neckbreaker. Cover? Cover. One two no. Haas with a jawbreaker, takedown, half crab! Val's in trouble, but he's close to the ropes. Val not giving up, but not making progress. He's going the long way to the ropes, but he's moving towards them now. Val in a lot of pain. Thinking about tapping. Yelling quite a bit. Now he's moving again. He's almost there. He's got them - big reaction from the crowd, though I think some would be happy if it was over. Val up, and kicking Charlie when he goes to grab his leg. Half nelson slam, but Val's slow to follow up. Oh, he's totally going up now, isn't he? This is a dumb move. Slowly getting to the ropes. Charlie stops him before he gets all the way up. Punching, and Haas joins him up top, but Val punches him there - Haas headbutts him to stop the punches. Superplex is blocked, twice, and Val fights back with more punches. Elbow to the side. What's Val up to? Back elbow knocks Charlie into the ropes and to the mat. Val Money Shot one two three! (7:43) Holy crap, Val Venis won a match! (Sucks to be Charlie Haas.) He's hurting but he gets his arm raised.
WM23: HBK vs John Cena
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (532 pounds) vs Cryme Tyme (Brooklyn, NY, 523 pounds) - Cade has a new haircut - maybe tonight's the night of new haircuts. Cade's still got that heavily tapped up knee. Cryme Tyme is still waiting for that title shot. So is Coach! Coach should kinda know this, right? Oh, Coach is implying that he's screwing with Cryme Tyme's shot because they were mean to him. Fair enough. Cade and JTG to start; Cade bullies JTG into the corner but he squirms free. JTG with a headlock. Wait, JTG corrects me: "I got a Brooklyn Kung Fu grip!" Shot off, no, short clothesline by Cade. Rights by Cade. Shoulder to the midsection. Forearm to the back. Forearm. Corner whip, Lance rushes into boots. Right hands by JTG, but Cade runs him over with a shoulderblock. Tag to Trevor, who comes in with a slaps. Armbar, cranking it. Whip, dropkick by Murdoch. Trevor gives us the hook 'em horns. Forearm to the back, armbar, facing Shad so he can taunt him and crank around JTG's face. JTG trying to punch his way out of the hold, Trevor scoops him up, JTG slips out the back and dropkicks Trevor. Tag to Shad - this is a bit early - right for Trevor, right for Trevor, clothesline for Cade. Back elbow for Trevor, right for Cade, right for Murdoch, right misses Cade, Cade gives Shad an inverted atomic drop and Trevor adds the big boot. Tag to Cade to get both men in - no, Cade's just going to cover, one two no, one two no. You ref is Marty, by the way. Forearm to the back. Shad yells like he's been shocked. Neck vice. Crowd rallies Shad, who come sup quick. Punches to the gut, but Cade forearms him to the back, and Shad screams like a lunatic once again. Big right to the face by Shad. Cade stops him with a punch. Clothesline misses, Shad with a back suplex. Tag to JTG, tag to Trevor, but JTG just punches him around and dropkicks both rednecks. Off the ropes, spinning back elbow. Backdrop for Trevor. JTG going up, waiting for Cade to turn around, missile dropkick. JTG all fired up. Corner whip, reversed, JTG kips up and out - and falls down, grabbing his knee? Ref Marty checks on JTG, blocking Trevor's path. Trevor's upset, and then out after Shad snaps his neck over the top rope from the outside. JTG suddenly feels better, imagine that. One two three. (4:51) JTG dances, what a miracle. Oliver Stone suspects a conspiracy!