corp open, heat open, blah blah blah

Chris Masters (Los Angeles, CA, no weight announced) vs Eugene (Louisville, KY, no weight given) - your announcers are Todd and Coach and this is Heat 453 (give or take). Why is Maria doing the ring announcing? Why? Coach, showing his usual leadership, had no idea either. Masters left his robe on the entranceway, of course, so Eugene picks it up and does Masters' pose with it, of course. Coach demands someone clean Eugene's jacket already. Shake for ref Marty. Todd thinks at least some of Eugene's act is gamesmanship. He's not heel any more, Todd. Lockup, armbar, twist, forcing Eugene to the mat. The difference in skin color between Eugene and Chris Masters is amazing. Eugene rolls thru to a reversal, and twists it a bunch. Masters throws him into the corner, but misses the meathead punch when Eugene crawls thru his legs. This week, Eugene pulls Masters' trunks down before biting him on the butt, just to make sure it's as gross as possible. Marty gives Eugene a five count and forces him off. Eugene decides to swing in the ropes. Masters rushes into his feet, of course. Masters is checking his nose a lot, Eugene's worried, and Masters clotheslines him. Legdrop. Legdrop. Anything else? Masters waits for Eugene to get up, gets a reverse neckbreaker. Elbow to the collarbone . Elbow to the collarbone. I guess he's weakening those muscles for the Masterlock? It's an idea. Snake Eyes. Masters is in no hurry between moves. Chinlock around the middle rope. Snap mare, neck vice. While talking about Masters, Todd notes that many of the Masterlock challenges have ended with the hold remaining officially unbroken on technicalities. Coach to Todd: "The reason you're not on RAW right now is what you just did - you always have to point out things that don't exist!" Like the coherence of that sentence. Eugene rallying back up, Masters stops that with a knee, and smashes him into the turnbuckle. That was dumb. There's another. He must do a third, and he does. YOU. Right left right left right, windup right. Off the ropes, jumping clothesline. Eugene all fired up, Rock Bottom actually works! One two NO! Eugene setting up for it, kick wham shoved off into the corner. Eugene's going to stumble backwards, right into it - yep, Masterlock. Fading fading fading - Coach mocking Eugene - that's it. (4:44) Masters takes his time letting go, I'm sure because he doesn't want to hear Maria try to make the announcement. Coach: "Chris should go put the Masterlock on Maria for that ring announcement!" Todd: "I'm sure he'd like to." Coach: "I would too."

Still to come: Wrold Greatest Tag Team vs Cryme Tyme - wait, this feud ends on Heat? 

WWE.COM: "Lifestyles of the Built and Dangerous" - apparently this is a WWE web show you're not watching, and at least the next edition is Torrie's Cribz. Nudity tease, check.

WWE RAW Rewind: Vince chooses Umaga.

Super Crazy (Tulancingo, Hidalgo, Mexico, no weight announced) vs Mike Wellington (no hometown, no weight, no chance, already in the ring) - I guarantee Maria looked at the spelling of Crazy's hometown and decided skipping was for the best. She is smart, after all. Ref Mike is slumming it here. Lockup? Eventually, and they got shoulder to shoulder to take control. Coach predicts Umaga will have the longest IC reign ever. Coach is wrong. Wellington kicks, but, Crazy breaks one wristlock, runs up the corner, flips off, Wellington does nothing, so Crazy hiptosses him. Huh. There's another, there's an armdrag, and holding on to keep Mike grounded. Crowd chanting for Super Crazy, much to his delight. Coach says it's the first one ever "in the history of the United States." Really, there wasn't one in the 1850s? I dunno. Crazy with an arm ringer. Wellington shoves Crazy off, but Crazy comes back with a spinning headscissors. Armdrag, and Wellington held down again in an armbar. Crazy asks to hear from the crowd, and they yell. Wellington manages to push him into the corner, fakes a break and slaps Crazy in the head a few times. Knee, and a slam. Elbow drop, knee drop, one NO. Chinlock. Elbow to the head by Mike. One two no. Back to the chinlock, as Coach and Todd walk into a pee joke. I think that's what that was, anyway. Crazy up to his feet, but Mike just switches to a headlock, and the crowd dies. Crazy elbowing out, whip, dropkick to the knee. Crazy got him good on that one. He was thrown with how big the ring was when running the ropes, and things went down from there. Crazy with some punches, and knocks down Wellington. Rolling legbar doesn't look as good as when he used to do it with Nicho. Jumping spinning elbow drop for fun. Crazy puts Wellington into position, and then runs around the ring scream. Oh, and he's going up too. Moonsault, nailing Wellington, one two three. (4:08) Announcers thought Crazy has about 0.0% of making it to Wellington on the fly, but he did, though he might have stuck Wellington with a knee on the landing.

WWE.com: Ringside Reality - Victoria explains she named her move after her hairline. Fair enough.

WWE Slam of the Week: Melina, new women's champ. 

Kenny Dykstra (Worchester, MA, no weight given) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, no weight given) - Coach laughs at Todd for getting beat up by Mickie. Maria? Maria? About five seconds late, there she is. Oh, it had to be that city name. Maria is so bad on Val Venis. Val freaks out a front row woman by given her his towel. Crowd is of the feeling that Kenny is vacuum like. Lockup, Val with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, under, hiptoss blocked, Val reveres it into a backslide one two no. Small package one two no. Inside cradle one two NO. Kenny looks for safety in the corner and Val holds up for a moment. Your ref is Jack, by the way. Kenny argues with Jack either about the illegalness of Val trying to pin him so many times, or the chant. Lockup, no, Kenny with a kick, right, right, whip, reversed, Val running with him kneelift, and the other way we go. I wonder if he'll do a Russian legsweep? He will! One two no. Right. Whip, reversed, head down too soon, Val kicks it. Val charges, Kenny gives him a drop toe hold in theory, and Val bounces chest first off the middle rope. Val covers, one two no. Stomp on the back of Val's head. How about another! That would seem to hurt. Forearm to the back of his head. One two no. Choke on the ropes. Kenny kicks Val back into the ring. Val fights up, with Kenny punching the other way. Kenny's punches don't work, Val tries a suplex, Kenny is able to somehow block the suplex and put on a front facelock. Was that a DDT? That was something. Kenny does a lot of somethings. Mounted punches. Short clothesline, holding onto the am, pulling Val back up, another short clothesline one two no. Chinlock with a knee in the back. Crowd getting on Kenny for a second, but Val's not rallying yet. Val can't get free. Val getting up, one elbow before Kenny puts on a front facelock. Announcers and the producer have a inside joke about CM Punk we're not privy too - or maybe it's because Coach and Todd seemed to be going on and on about Edge being on the only guy in the Money in the Bank match and he tried to smarten them up. A tough task indeed. Val rushes Kenny back first into the corner, but stumbles out grabbing his neck. Kenny gets on a sleeper, but Val reverses that into his back suplex powerbomb. Coach: "I understand CM Punk is a big Maria fan." YOU DON'T SAY. Both guys are down in the ring in the match I should be talking about here. Kenny up first with more punches. Val responds with punches. Kenny misses, Val does not. Whip, reversed, clothesline, back elbow by Val, axhandle by Val. Kick, butterfly suplex one two no. Right. Whip, quick reversed by Val into a half nelson slam. Val's all fired up, but grabbing his neck. Because he's going to choke. He's going up, he doesn't waste a lot of time, but he still dives right into knees. Kenny grabs Val - what's his move this week? Still the Roll of the Dice. (6:24) Kenny probably shouldn't be as obvious when he calling the timing of that move, like he did here with foot stomps.    

WWE.Com: Uncut - Roddy Piper kicking Cindy Lauper. 

the World's Greatest Tag Team (no weight given) vs Cryme Tyme (Brooklyn, New York, no weight given) - Todd: "She's doing an okay job, she's gotten the names right." Coach: "Lillian Garcia usually can't do that." On the other hand, Maria doesn't tell us the individual names of Cryme Tyme. Coach talks about his hard knock life growing up in Kansas. JTG and Haas to start, as soon as JTG is done yelling. Lockup, Haas with an armdrag. No cornrows on Haas today. Lockup, waistlock, Haas with a headlock, shot off, back with a slightly off line shoulderblock. Haas off the rope, JTG sets up for a hiptoss, but Haas slips under for a fireman's carry. Armbar, dragging JTG down to the mat. Coach says Cryme Tyme may not be good role models for the children. It's been nice knowing Coach. Hammerlock by Haas. JTG with three back elbows to escape Off the ropes, under a clothesline, spinning back elbow gets Haas. Dropkick too. Corner whip, reversed, Haas charges into a boot. JTG to the middle rope, did JTG do a legdrop or a silla there? I guess we're saying leg lariat. One two no. Haas grabs JTG and Shelton tags himself in. Shelton pulls JTG in a headlock, and pulls him all the way down to the mat. Is this going to be one of those matches where Shad never gets in except for the end? JTG standing up in the headlock, and the rolls backwards out of the hold. Shelton charges him, JTG gets in a drop toe hold, and there's there tag to Shad. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Shad's far to fired up. He brings Shelton back into the corner, and tags in JTG. Shad whips and boosts JTG up into a flying inverted bulldog on Shelton. Whip, reversed, Shelton puts his head down too soon and gets it kicked. JTG charge again, but Shelton hooks him and pull shim backwards into a headcrusher. JTG needs a tag, but Shelton grabs him and pulls him, tagging in Haas. Stomps. Running JTG back first into the corner, punches in the corner to show off his boxing skills. JTG rammed into the corner, tag to Shelton. Kicks. Scoop, shoulderbreaker. Hammerlock, and JTG's left shoulder is run into the corner. Right. Tag to Haas. Kick to the shoulder. Breaking the arm over his knee. Charlie puts on an armbar. JTG trying to draw from the crowd. Right hands, but Haas tops him with knees. Back suplex, JTG slips out the back, and - I dunno. JTG kinda threw a dropkick and Haas kinda threw a kick, and they both fell down. Haas grabs his knee, so I guess he was supposed to be kicked there. crawling. Tag to Shelton, tag to Shad., Big clothesline for Shelton, clothesline for Haas, Shelton shoved down, clothesline for Haas, clothesline for Shelton - these are all very bad, by the way. Backdrop for Haas, side slam for Shelton. Shad off the ropes, elbow drop. He's fired up. Now he's pointing an invisible shotgun at Shelton? I guess he's calling his move - the boot? Haas must think so, because he grabs the boot. Shad looks down at Haas grabbing his boot, making no attempt to fix the situation, and then looks up to see Shelton's foot connecting with his face. Shad down, but not straight on his back - now he is, one two no JTG breaks it up. Haas on JTG, forearming him out and throwing him out, but JTG lands on the apron, right where he was before he broke up the pin. Ref Chad yells at Haas to get out, and misses a Shelton/Shad sequence - Shelton tries a suplex, Shad reveres to his own, Shelton slips out and tries a neckbreaker, Shad blocks it and lifts him up in a fireman's carry, JTG adds a flipping neckbreaker to the Samoan drop, one two three. (7:14) Maria seems happy to be done - so am I!

That's it.