corp open. heat open. 

Val Venis (Las Vegas, Nevada, 244 pounds) vs Eugene (Louisville, Kentucky, 242 pounds) - your announcers are Coach and Todd for Heat #446. Coach claims Cena keeps coming after him, which isn't the way I remember it. Coach is recovered enough to rip Val, though. That's a good sign. Coach is almost willing to like Eugene, but can't commit himself. This Eugene heel turn has really caught fire, hasn't it? Coach claims the Heat he hosted was the Most Watched Heat In The History Of WWE.com (and everywhere else.) Well, that's what battle royals will do for you. Coach couldn't be making this up at all. All this time to babble because Eugene's distracted by chants and now he's walking out. I'm okay with that. They are counting him out, which is great. Eugene slides in at 9, despite Coach claiming he can't count. Lockup, Eugene headlock, takedown, headscissors reveal, kip up escape, headlock, headscissors reversal, kip up escape - he's getting zero height on that. Same sequence a third time, I'm not typing it. This time, Eugene doesn't escape, so Val turns his legs to crank. Eugene turns Val into his back and breaks his head free, but comes up empty on an elbow drop. Todd: "You may recall that Eugene attacked Val during Kiss Cam" - no, I don't, and I'm okay with that. Val headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock, and Eugene's kinda rolling around in the corner. Now he's checking his face. Now he's wasting seconds of my life. Wait, he's always been doing that, sorry. Okay, lockup, Val with an armbar. Todd: "Val Venis lately, just going thru the motions, going out there, wrestling some young guys, some veterans, just coming in and picking up the paycheck " - he's only try to fit in on this show. The idea is "New 2007, New Val!", and that worked out so well for his evil equivalent Rob Conway. And Val's jobbing here anyway, so way to extra bury him. Wristlock still on. Even though Val has both hands on the wristlock, fully visible, Eugene starts claiming he's getting his tights pulled - and the ref checks it! Who's the mentally challenged one here? Eugene punches Val in the face. He should punch the ref in the face for that. Punches and kicks. Choke in the corner. Eugene knows what a five count is. Eugene gets clotheslined while pointing it out. Another, and then it's time for the running knees. Val continues not going through the motions by doing the Russian legsweep he always does, followed as usual with mounted punches. I'm riveted. Ref is Chad. Coach compliments Todd's PBP skills - I think he's setting up a punchline, but I'm still waiting for it. Eugene slips to the apron and snaps Val's left arm over the top rope. Scissoring the arm and dropping a knee. Hammerlock. Step over armbar. Somehow this doesn't get a tap out. (You had to be there.) Val tries to punch out but is immediately given a forearm to the back. Whip, head down too soon, and Val tries for a reason backslide. He eventually gets it, but only gets two. Eugene trying a suplex, but Val small packages him one two no. Leg sweep one two no. This isn't beat the clock! Todd makes a Boise State reference - I sure hope JR doesn't find out he just called Oklahoma mentally challenged! Todd's actual idea is that Val's being extra creative with these kicks to the leg. Eh, maybe. Drop toe hold, Indian deathlock is a least different. No points unless he pulls out the inverted figure four. Hey, it's the inverted figure four! Wow, Val might actually win this. Eugene reaching for the ropes, hanging in there, hanging in there a long time making me think he's not going to give - yep, ropes. Well, close is pretty good for Val. Val charges, right into a backdrop. He hangs on the apron, shoulder to the midsection, oh no don't do the sunset flip. Slingshot into a sunset flip, Eugene of course blocks, sits down, and hangs onto the ropes, one two three. (6:36) Way to lose, Val. 

NYR: DX - a generic ad? one that makes no sense? OH GASP THEY RIPPED UP THE ACTUAL DECELERATION OF INDEPENDENCE, I AM SHOCKED, APPALLED, AND INTRIGUED! I think my caps button got stuck for a second.

Super Crazy (Tulancingo, Hidalgo, Mexico, 200 pounds) vs Steve Madison (Tampa, FL, 225 pounds, already in the ring) - I just amazed myself with my ability to spell Tulancingo. It doesn't take much. Lockup, break. Steve with an armbar. Crazy runs and flips around to reverse. Shot to the midsection. Whip, reverse, hiptoss, slam, armscissors cradle one two no. Todd and Coach are discussing Coach's Christmas card (w/Coach's dog.) Headlock, takedown, Madison rolls him over to his back, one no. Crazy gets to his feet, shot into the ropes, back with a shoulderblock, springboard (almost slipping) somersault senton but Madison moves, under Madison's leapfrog, rolling over his monkey flip try, ducking his clothesline, and a monkey flip of his own. Spinning headscissors sends Steve Madison out, and he's going to take a walk a bit. Crazy to the apron - flying axhandle comes up empty, and he eats the barricade. Madison runs him into the apron and throws him back in. Stomp. Scoop, shoulderbreaker, one two no. Armbar - no, he decides the other arm is the one he's working on and switches. Forearms to the shoulder. Step over armbar. Popular move today. Crowd chanting for Crazy. Madison picks him up by his hair, and cranks his arm around the top rope. Madison is a short guy, about Crazy size. Madison teases a piledriver (the crowd reacts to the tease) and it's a inverted shoulderbreaker instead. Back to the armbar. Coach, GM of this brand, has no idea who Steve Madison is, but really likes him. Chop. Whip, clothesline is caught and turning into a crucifix cradle one two no. Madison stops him with a knee. Fistdrop. Todd: "Super Crazy is okay with matches going long - wants to get all his stuff in!" Well, okay. Steve and Crazy punch, still Steve gets in an eye rake. Scoop, and a drop slam. That looked odd. Madison off the ropes, telegraphed elbow drop, no one home. Here's another miss - they're too slow for the comedy. Madison's keeping up with Crazy when Crazy does his stuff, but when he's on his own, he just seems slow (even if he's not.) Crazy retreats to a corner, Madison charges, Crazy moves out of the way. Back elbow, clothesline, wheel kick, scream. Whip, backdrop. Crazy to the middle rope, waiting for Madison to get up. Going all the way up, Madison stands and plants himself, missile dropkick. One two three. (5:07) Todd: "He got his stuff in!" I saw no dive!

NYR: this is the one where they actually hype the matches. Maybe they couldn't be bothered to do a promo to hype Nitro/Jeff in a cage?

Todd talks to Vladmir - [steals mic!] "Vladmir Koslov! [Russian] I want to wish everybody, Happy New Year!" Which brand is he joining? "I love double double e! I love double double e! I love double double e! Happy new year!" And he walks off. They totally got the wrong Koslov! On the upside, they've given up on him before he's even wrestled a match, which may be a new record. (Then again, Brakkus just had that one vignette.)

K-Fed/Cena - you may have heard about this. You know, if you overthink about it, this was really a play about the New Cena (shinny happy blank slate who can mimic whichever old babyface of the past the writers are into that week - represented by the guy with the spinny title belt) versus the Old Cena (hatable rapper with a discernible personality - played by K-Fed in his best acting role of the year). The marketable of the New Cena seems to give him the edge, but the savagery of Time (played by Umaga) reminds us that New Cena only exists because of the championship - once Time takes it back, the Old Cena will one again prove more powerful. Or maybe it was just a publicity stunt, I dunno. (1:57)

NYR: John Cena vs Umaga [WWE]
NYR: Ric Flair vs Kenny Dykstra
NYR: Carlito vs Chris Masters 
"This feud went to another level when Masters hit on Torrie!" Wait, what? Was that before or after the Masterlock?
NYR: Mickie James vs Victoria [Women]
NYR: Jeff Hardy vs Johnny Nitro [Cage]
NYR: DX vs Rated RKO [WWE TAG]

WWE Magazine Awards

Viscera (Harlem, NY, 487 pounds) vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Glen Falls, New York, 270 pounds, w/2x4 and American Flag) - this match could headline any state fair or military facility in the world! Announcers debate if Viscera will be in the main event again, and decide "Yes", because they're on drugs I guess. Hacksaw's machine gun fire has no effect on Viscera. Your ref is Marty, the ref who's name I don't really know. It's 2007, and I'm doing play by play for Hacksaw vs Mabel. What happened? Lockup, no. Punches, limited effect. Clothesline, no. Clothesline, at least that got Viscera into the ropes. One more clothesline - no, Vis will take off his head. Forearm into the back. Standing on his back. Duggan blocks a Vis punch and comes back with right hands of his own. Off the ropes, into the Samoan drop. Vis looks, does not cover. Now he's up and yelling at Hacksaw to get up. Forearm to the chest. Coach nearly says Hacksaw's never faced anyone as big as Viscera, but then catches himself in time. Bearhug! Hacksaw going to the Mongolian chops to get free, but he ain't getting free. Headbutt - hurts Duggan more! He's out! Stop the match! One arm drop. Two arm drop. Please let it be three - oh, thumbs up, stink eye, face bite. Coach has funny joke he can only hint at here. Whip, corner whip, and Duggan with corner punches. He's old, so he can get in all ten. Corner whip, of course it's reverses. Vis backs up, revs up, charges, and Duggan meets him with a clothesline. Still not down. Another clothesline, still not down. A third, and it helps that Viscera is already going down. Cover, one two no. To the three point stance - and he charges right into a scoop slam. Hip swivel, and Coach is having flashbacks. Off the ropes, splash. One two three. (4:11) Are Coach and Viscera now friends? Probably not.

Hey, a proper credits to end the show. That's new. And that's it.