corp open show open - you know, is it just me, or does Microsoft release a new version of Windows Media Player every three months and there's very little difference to them? This ranks right below my cell phone company acting like I have to pay my bill every two weeks in annoyances. 

welcome to yet another special edition of Heat (444 - three of a kind!) Your host is Todd Coach? Coach lost a bet, I'd bet. Coach says Todd's on vacation, whatever that means. Coach talks Royal Rumble and Pat Patterson. To get us in the mood for the Royal Rumble - which is weeks away and not even the next PPV and they haven't even started qualifiers yet, though I guess they will when they come back from break and wow this is a long digression - this week's theme are battle royals. Which aren't actually Royal Rumbles. I'm confident the idea here was supposed to be "since we had a battle royal on Monday, here are some other ones" and it got lost somewhere along the lines. 

First up is the WM2 Battle Royal - WWF vs NFL. Coach expects us to know all of the guys in the battle royal, and he's so totally reading a prompter while listing names.

WM 2 April 2, 1986, 20 Man Battle Royal: Joined slightly in progress. I don't think I've actually seen this - it's WM2, you don't really need to have seen it. The hard camera angle is slightly different than we're used to, but that's one small ring.  It'd be nice if they explained who the non-Gorilla announcers, but they have a hard enough time naming the people who do leave. You know, you don't see Bret Hart wearing aquamarine every day. Speaking of outfits, this is about the time where Andre really needs to start wearing a top. I love the Fridge parts, because the spots calling and rehearsing is so obvious. Ah, it's Ernie Ladd and Cathy Lee Crosby. Now I have to go remember who Catchy Lee Crosby is. Anvil takes some amusing one man bumps here. Andre wins. Ladd: "...you're not in the battle royals any more, neither am I." Gorilla: "THANK GOD!" That makes it work. (6:05) 

Next, we skip ahead 14 years, to something that's not quite a battle royal. Coach says we need to take out a paper and pencil to keep track of the action

RAW: Tribute to the Troops

WM 2000, Hardcore Battle Royal: I haven't watched this since it happened, but my thought was there was a lot of aimless dead time to make it to 15 minutes, and they could've used a few more bits - or just an entirely different plan. This just didn't work, and if I recall right, the finish was a bit blown. Anyone, the idea is we have 15 jobbers - hey, the Headbangers - and it's a game of tag. Crash is it first, but then Tazz beats him to win the belt, and we're going to go on like that for 15 minutes and the title can't change hands for 15 minutes after that. Viscera wins the title, and there's a clip - we've jumped about 6 minutes. Funaki's the champ thanks to the APA, for no particular reason. Hey, look, the Mean Street Posse. They end up running around the back, because that' show every match of this type must go. Rodney wins the title, Joey Abs wins the title, Thrasher wins the title - I love how everyone's partner is the first one to attack them, because the Hardcore Title is that meaningful - and actually holds it for a minute or so before Pete Gas wins it. Why is Pete Gas bleeding. Pete Gas played for UCONN? I like how Tazz has a pin, is supposed to have a pin, and Hardcore Holly tries to stomp break it up anyway because he's Hardcore Holly. There's plenty of people fighting off camera, and none of it seems to matter. Fun for them. Crowd is pretty dead for this, because it's 15 guys they don't care about hitting each other with cookie sheets. Tazz almost pins Thrasher, and the announcers go quiet because they have no idea what that would actually mean - Tazz already has the belt. JR tries to cover when Tazz does it again, but I think Tazz has no idea what he's supposed to be doing again. Faarooq is beating up Viscera with a tennis racket as they stroll by the bottom of the screen. They need ed more wackiness. Right now, you can hear every weapon shot because no fan is making a sound. They're doing an extended sequence of Hardcore and Crash breaking up each other's pins - if you like near falls broken up, this is the match for you. Crash gets the title back after the millionth trash can lid shot of the match, and Tazz is Tazz, kicking out at 2 even though it's supposed to be 3 and they count it as three anyway. Tazz had some issues with losing at this point - which is odd, because that's almost all he did after this. Ah, there's the blown finish I remember: with everyone else still out of the ring (the Hollys and Tazz were alone in the ring for the last four minutes of the match, with everyone else content to stand outside and fight each other for no reason), Tazz gets Crash in the Tazmission. Hardcore rushes over, hits Tazz with a cookie sheet (shocking) and pins Crash. As it's happening, it's very obvious time is supposed to run out before Hardcore gets three - but Hardcore mistimed it or referee Tim White didn't know how much time as left to adjust or something, because White pulls up before counting three, even though there's a second still left on the clock and Crash isn't kicking out. Hardcore does the "I've won the championship and there's no chance in the world they're about to tell me I haven't actually won the title - no chance at all!" celebration, while Crash takes the belt and takes off. Someone in the back must've been thinking quick on their feet that day, because - just as JR's pretending Crash got his shoulder up - they have Fink announce Hardcore is the new champ and that pinfall indeed did count. Crash has no idea and is long gone. They'd fix this on the Monday after, and you'd think, back in 2006, they'd have Coach explain what the deal was there. Eh. (9:42)

Coach talks about his own historic 28 minute run in the 2004 Royal Rumble. We could've used a clip here. "I personally took 33 chops!" We really could've used a clip here. Anyway, Coach makes a non-segue into

SNME April 27 1991, 20 Man Battle Royal: Joined slightly in progress. I don't think I've quite seen this one before. I'm so the wrong person to be reviewing this show - where's James? There goes Jannetty and Roma. Marty never sticks around for long. Vince talks about the action all over the place, when absolutely nothing is happening. So little is happening, we get a random clip to Earthquake being thrown out by Hogan - we've missed a few more eliminations. Hogan throws out Kato, Tugboat realizes he's about to miss his cue and hurries over to throw out Hogan. Shawn shoves Tugboat in the back, and he's out to face Hogan. Hercules gets himself eliminated in the way, but Hogan still finds a way to yell at Tugboat. Out goes Big Bossman thanks to a Perfect dropkick - probably the Brian's idea. Haku goes long distance on a Shawn Michaels dropkick. HBK has simultaneous great and horrible punches when he throws a flurry of them here. I like how Barbarian and Valentine just hang out in the corner while Perfect and HBK and running around the ring. That's smart thinking. Out goes HBK. You know, Greg Valentine looks 100 years old even in 1991. Valentine outlasts Barbarian, and flips Perfect on a back elbow. You know, there are a lot of dead people this week. Elbow drops aren't the smartest idea in a battle royal, but I guess Valentine is just that fired up. The crowd is too. Perfect basically throws both himself and Valentine out, but holds onto the ropes and lands on the apron. (:8:16)

RAW: Tribute to the Troops

You know what I loved best about Monday's battle royal? (I'm putting this hear because it won't fit anywhere else.) The karmic justice of the finish. If anyone should appreciate the concept of winning a match after your last opponent thinks he's already eliminated you, it's should be the guy who did it in 1995. 

Coach hypes up a battle royal in 1992, "credited as the first every 40 man battle royal" - which means they don't have any idea, but okay.

May 18, 1992 - 40 Man Battle Royal: hey, Jim Ross' old voice. He's with Savage and Heenan. We're told this has never aired on TV before, and that's technically true, but Google says it's on "Bashed in the US" - Coliseum Tape, I presume. I guess it still hasn't (England doesn't count.) This was the dark match main event of a Challenge/Prime Time Wrestling show. Earthquake and Typhoon gone quickly. This ring is a lot bigger than the WM2 ring. JR: "Wait a minute, don't get Ross involved in this!" You don't want to know. Lots of people fighting within two feet of each other. A black guy named Ron is gone. a white guy in black trunks leaves, though we never get his name. It's probably okay that way. Are we going to get this whole thing? I'm glad they leave in Heenan talking up the Repo Man's chances. Ah, there's the clip - the ring is a lot more empty now, but there's still about 20 men in. Hey, Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart got thrown out somehow - and they want to fight? How strange. They're so angry, they immediately go into a collar and elbow lockup. Punches, much better. Actually, it's pretty much all Bret. Skinner is out, in case you care. HBK runs for his life. Barry Horwitz, thanks for coming. Sgt. Slaughter takes his bump to the floor. Heenan: "Was that the top of his head or a weather map?" Ross: "That was the top of his head." We'll have no fun on this ship! Jim Powers, gone. He'll be missed. Crush, gone. Is that Brooklyn Brawler who left? Col. Mustafa, gone. What an assortment we have here. Please tell me Tatanka does not win this thing. Koko B. Ware takes a backdrop bump tot the floor, nice way to die. Is that Virgil? This is close to the Hardcore Battle Royal in jobber-rific. Some jobber keeps going thru the ropes instead of the top. Why? Kato, gone. Virgil and DiBase gone together, as you'd expect. The guy who keeps going thru the ropes - Tom Stone - goes. Last four are the Beverly Brothers, IRS, and Tatanka, and Tanaka is going to win this thing, isn't he? Oh no. Chops for everyone, before the 3 realize they are 3 and he is one. Beau throws himself out on a missed clothesline. Savage can't tell the Beverlys apart. IRS and Blake try to throw Tatanka out, and Tanaka turns the table on them to end it. (7:46 shown) Heenan: "I told you Tatanka would win!" I'm not sure if you've heard, but Tatanka is undefeated.

Coach wraps up the show with a present for us all - we can go to WWE.com vote for the best rivalries of 2006, and they'll cover them next week. The five choices are

- DX vs. The McMahons
- John Cena vs. Edge
- Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus
- Johnny Nitro vs. Jeff Hardy
- Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley

If you don't vote for Cena/Edge, we're not friends. As I write this, that's somehow in THIRD, so go rock the vote. For his part, Coach says he'll NEVER DO HEAT AGAIN if you vote for DX vs the McMahons; if only I believe he meant it. (He's not around next week - did Coach and Todd just tape this the same day and decide to split shows? Todd's going to need to hold up a newspaper next week if I'm to believe it wasn't taped way in advance.) Coach never actually clarifies what they do with the winner; I mean, I think they'll just honor it, but they'll be covering all five (and other stuff) regardless. Guess we'll see.

That's it.