corp open. show open.
Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 244 pounds) vs Eugene (Louisville, KY, 242 pounds) - your announces are Todd and the Coach for Heat #443. Coach wastes no time in insulting Val and when women cheering him. Fans seem generally unsure if they're supposed to stop cheering Eugene. Eugene seems pretty sure he's angry and evil, though. Coach explains that Eugene is every crazy girlfriend you've ever had (though maybe they wash their jacket once in a while.) Circle. Lockup - no, Eugene's going to bail. Fans know to boo. Eugene has deep discussions with the front row, along the lines of "SHUT UP! I'M NOT READY!" Okay, Eugene's back in. Okay, Eugene's back out. He's still not ready. Neither am, let's call this off. Okay, he's coming back in again. Eugene explaining that he's special. Lockup, Val backs him into the corner, pats him on the chest, and breaks. Lockup, Eugene tries a kick, Val catches it and headlocks him. Coach still dislikes Eugene and wants him to go home. Eugene tentatively shoots Val off into the corner, but misses a corner elbow. Fans are chanting something that has Eugene mad and the announcers interested, but the announcers are talking right over it. Eugene misses a charge, and takes a slam. Eugene pops up and gets chopped. Whip, back elbow, Val waves form him to get up, and there's another slam. Elbow drop, one two no. Eugene needs to take another break. Coach: "What's the polite way for me to say it? Eugene's...bad, he's not good, he sucks." I don't think that's the polite way! Todd agrees, uh oh. Val's sick of Eugene's rest breaks and reaches over the ropes, but Eugene trips him up and pulls him out. Val just starts punching Eugene when he's out here, but Eugene lucks into a plan, ramming Val back first into the apron. Val's a sucker for grabbing his back in pain, so this one may work. Both back in, Eugene chokes him on the bottom rope. Suplex, one two no. Grabbing Val's ears! What a fearsome submission. Abdominal stretch, though Eugene has to spin it a bit to get to the ropes. He has been watching his old school WWF! There's the rope grab, and he's clear on it the first time. Eugene sneaks the second time, though he's questioned. Announcers, in between talking all things Umaga/Cena/Nitro/K-Fed, are debating the "laissez faire"'s pronunciation. Todd says lay-za, Coach says les-ey (and is right! Upset!) Hey, look, Eugene got caught on the third try. You think he'd know that too. While Eugene argues, Val slips in a Russian legsweep. Val fighting his way up with lefts and rights. Clothesline, back elbow, clothesline - this all looks less good than usual. Chop, whip, backdrop. How about another chop. Whip, reversed, here's the sleeper reversed into a back suplex powerbomb one two NO. Coach: "That was nearly what I'd call an 'average' win for Val Venis. I wouldn't call it a big win or a quality win." Huh. Running knee lift spots for Val - Eugene trips him up on the second (though how isn't clear), and Eugene covers him with his feet on the middle rope, one two three. (5:33) Coach: "A big win over Val Venis!" Hahahahahaha.
Armageddon - oh, so that's it's name.
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (532 pounds) vs Jason Static & Fred Sampson (Collinsville, Connecticut, no weight given already in the ring) - I won't call them the Redneck Wrecking Crew until Lillian does. (Lillian almost forgets to call them anything.) They seem to be in a jolly mood - must be not having to face the Highlanders for once. Your ref is Jack Doan. Coach says Lance Cade is PMSing. Coach hates the world today. Todd: "If you weren't the boss of this show, you would be fired. You should fire yourself, is what I'm saying." Coach does not agree. Cade and - one of 'em, start. I think that's Sampson. I think I've seen Sampson and should know. No, wait, it says Static on his tights.. Cade showing off his exciting headlock to hammerlock to snap mare skills, and then celebrates. Discussion of Lance's new tights - white long ones, tucked into his boots. Right when Lance is ready to start wrestling, some of the fans start chanting something and Lance and Trevor have to have words with them. Again, no idea what they're saying. TREVOR STARTS TO GO OVER THE BARRICADE! Cade's holding him back and it was just to incite the crowd, okay, but still pretty great. Todd: "This isn't the NBA, Trevor!" Okay, back to the wrestling. Cade and Simpson still legal. Cade backs Static into the corner on the lockup, corner whip, charge into some boots. Cade sets himself, and slaps Jason Static in the face. Stomp, and hard crossface forearms. I think Cade took more than he wanted on that boot, and Static's about to take the same - tag to Murdoch, Cade with the inverted atomic drop, and Trevor darn near tears his head off with a big boot. Trevor talks some more trash, and then Trevor gets his turn at crossface forearms. Is Sampson going to get tagged in this match? Oh, he will, because Trevor's going to throw Jason Static into the corner and demand Fred Sampson tag in. Fred is smart enough to start throwing punches before he gets in the ring, but gets nailed with a Trevor right hand as he comes in. Whip, big back elbow. Tag to Cade, and Sampson thrown back into the corner multiple times. Coach is talking about how having friends is horrible. Tag to Trevor, who boot chokes Static in the corner. This is over but for the finishing move. Coach is complaining about his producer telling him to talk about John Cena more. Cade whips Trevor into a running corner clothesline on Static, and then Trevor throws Static out into a Cade back elbow. Cade says it's time. Sour and Sour. One two three. (4:28) Cade's even happier now.
WWE Magazine: Best of WWE
"Recently", the WWE returned from Iraq - they seem to be having timeline issues with that. Anyway, this is actually video package from last year's visit to Afghanistan. They go to a lot of places here. (4:00) and a seamless segue into a commercial for next week's Christmas in Iraq show.
Rob Conway Never Wins (Atlantic City, NJ, 230 pounds) vs Super Crazy (Tulancingo, Hidalgo, Mexico, 200 pounds) - copy and paste is great. Todd mistranslates Super Crazy to "Mucho Loco", but close enough. Coach says the movie Nacho Libre is very similar to Super Crazy's real career. Coach says a lot of things. Circle, lockup - no, Conway's gotta pose. Circle. Crowd chanting Super Crazy. Conway with a waistlock, Crazy with armbar, which he wrings to a comical degree. Conway stops it by grabbing the ropes, thankfully. Lockup, Crazy with a headlock, takedown, headscissors reversal, Crazy kips out. Announcers debating if Conway's won a match this year (yes, but on 01/20 against a local.) Coach: "We always forget how athletic Super Crazy really is." Maybe YOU do. Lockup, Crazy with a hammerlock, Conway gets to the ropes to break, and gets in a back elbow to make sure. Todd would be okay if Conway cheated if he finally got a win. Surprising lack of ethics by Mr. Grisham. Conway with a kick, headlock, holding it tight. Conway shot off - no, he won't go, but Crazy kicks him. Super crazy headlock is Super Crazy. Shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes over, under, roll over, spinning headscissors, dropkick, dropkick, and Conway's out of the ring. Ever get that deja vu feeling? Conway wanders around the outside of the ring, Crazy teases a pescado, Conway backs up and covers up, Crazy actually just lands on the apron, heel kicks Conway, and there's the Asai Moonsault - Crazy lands on his feet, dives into the ring, and flips to his feet. Does Coach still forget how athletic he is? Crazy's like the best possible Ultimo Dragon at moments, without the kicks. Conway back in, Crazy charges and gets backdropped to the apron, but fights from there, climbs up - and gets his neck cranked over the top rope. Crazy slow up on the outside, and met with punches as soon as he gets to the apron. Crazy's knocked back down to the floor, and Conway doesn't see in any hurry to follow up. Crazy up to the apron, so Conway stops him and suplexes him in, one two no. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Coach clarifies his "Umaga/Cena no touching" rule to allow them to touch if they happened to have a match. Conway corner whip, and Crazy flops to the mat. Conway covers Crazy, one two foot on the ropes. Conway puts on a head scissors submission. Coach describes the Monday battle royale as "Royal Rumble-like", but just in terms of how many people will be in the ring. How are they going to be able to move with 30 guys in the ring? Crowd chanting for Super Crazy. Crazy turns free, and drops an elbow on Conway before he can get up. Both slow up, Conway in the corner, and Crazy walks into a double boot. Conway out of the corner with a running elbow one two no. One two no. Elbow drop to the back, to the back of the head, and a running one to the back. One two no. Knee in the back with a chinlock by Conway. Crazy fights up with punches, and Conway stops that with a knee. Corner whip, Conway charges into a back elbow. Conway charges in again, and eats a boot. Crazy firing back with punches. Whip, wheel kick connects. Dropkick and Conway rolls to the corner. Crazy on him with a chop. Corner whip, monkey flip. Conway begging off, then trying to sneak in a kick. Crazy catches that, Conway catches Crazy's kick, but Crazy nails the enziguri. Standing moonsault, one two three. (8:02) Crazy's happy, Conway's out.
RAW: battle royal. That's it.