open and open.

Trevor Murdoch (Waxahachie, TX, 250 pounds) vs Colt Cabana (Pittsburgh, PA - or NOT, 233 pounds, already in the ring) - your hosts for Heat #416 are Todd and - I hope you're sitting down - Coach. Coach is here because he's got nothing better to do and they've got no one better to put here - oh, he says stuff like "deciding who we promote and who we don't", but c'mon. Your ref is Jack. Trevor slaps Colt in the face for lying about his hometown. Right hands by Murdoch. Corner whip, back elbow by Murdoch.  Whip, head down too soon, Colt kicks it. Colt off the rope, clothesline ducked and turned into a full nelson slam. Colt thrown shoulder first into the post, and again. Coach: "Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story!" That's the WWE motto. If only they could get the good story. Trevor cranks Colt's head backwards over the top rope. Hook 'em. Stomp. Corner whip, Trevor charges into an elbow, charges into a kick. Colt charges out, into a Trevor drop toe hold. Crossface forearms by Trevor. "THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT." Tree of Woe, to crank Colt's neck some more. Back in, forearm to the chest. Knee to the back, chinlock. Now it's more of a neck pinch. Now to a neck vice. He's a man of a 1000 rest holds. Colt battles up, and gets free with a Mongolian chop! Colt tries a sunset flip, but Trevor fights it and punches out. Colt picked up to be punches. Trevor tries a swinging neckbreaker, but Colt's got the ropes, and Trevor goes to the mat himself. Colt fighting back with punches. Whip, reversed, Colt ducks the clothesline and landing a jumping clothesline. Whip, dropkick, but Trevor's got the ropes. Trevor kick, DDT. One two three. (4:59)

Still to come: Goldust & Snitsky vs Spirit Squad

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Rob Conway (Atlantic City, 235 pounds) vs Viscera (Harlem, NY, 487 pounds) - yea, how about no. Your ref is Mike. Coach takes the credit for subbing Lillian with Justin Roberts on RAW - he's making all the big decisions. Weird drop in here - I guess Todd had no WWE.com stuff to talk about, because he covers up UK tour dates or something by reminding us of the dangling Viscera/Lillian plotline. Coach, naturally, reminds us the last time we saw "Coach" was when Viscera mauled him in England; Coach promises not to hold a grudge. Conway attacks Viscera before he can get off the apron, and that fails horribly. Conway manages to keep him on the apron for a while. And then it's the last three Conway/Viscera matches, except I don't Conway randomly yelled "Pittsburgh sucks!" in those. That would be pattern. Visagra, check. Coach says he's over it, and actually sounds like he's over it. I think he decided he doesn't want to be feuding with Viscera, and so he's a smart man. Sex Drive for the win. (3:46)

Still to come: Goldust & Snitsky vs Spirit Squad - I like how somehow everyone has a belt in that picture.

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Spirit Squad (uh, we'll figure it out in a bit) vs Goldust & Gene Snitsky (560 pounds) in a non-title match - Coach has missed the main event. Your ref is Mickie. So, who hates Michigan State anyway? Did Scott pick out these colors? Coach says he's going to try and be more positive and more objective. If the screen wasn't so small, I'd be able to tell you who Goldust is locking up right here. Coach and Todd are talking about Coach the Coach. Okay, that's Johnny who's angry when Goldust spits at him. Kick. Headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock, Johnny is thrilled - and gets some Goldust uppercuts. Whip, jumping butt bump. Johnny wants out, tag to Nicky. Nicky alternates forearms with talking. Goldust stops it when he tries a turnbuckle smash - one for Nicky, all the way to the other corner for Nicky to oversell another one. Corner punches - one two three four five sis seven eight nine, feeling, ten. Whip, reversed, Nick puts his his head down too soon so Goldust can work in that uppercut too. Inverted atomic drop, clothesline, and Goldust celebrates a bit. Armbar, tag to Snitsky. Kick. Hanging suplex. Todd: "A standing vertical suplex" - that'd be some trick if he could do it kneeling! One two no. Nicky gets in a eye rake, and tags out to Johnny. Johnny gets a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Gene off the ropes, over, under, hiptoss blocked, Snitsky reverses to one of his own. Snitsky scoops Johnny up, walks around, and slams him. Off the ropes, elbow drop, one two no. Whip, Snitsky puts his head too soon and gets it kicked. Johnny tags in Nicky, who runs right into a powerslam. This ain't working for the Spirit Squad, so it's time for some teamwork. Mikey distracts the ref and Goldust with an air horn, Snitsky misses a corner charge on Nicky, and Kenny comes in to help work Snitsky over. Snitsky goes into the corner shoulder first. Nicky cranks Snitsky's arm to yank him down to the mat. One two no. Nicky works over Snitsky and keeps him form the tag - dropkick to the knee. Nicky puts on a legbar and tags Johnny back in, who goes right for the arm with stomps. Rights to the shoulder. Johnny draws the ref back, and Kenny gets in a choke form the outside this time. Johnny puts Snitsky into a front facelock, tag to Nicky for a middle rope axhandle to the back. Armbar, Snitsky getting back up, he gets in a punch, but Nicky takes him back down with a drop toe hold, tag to Johnny, who stops to taunt Snitsky before - dropkicking Goldust off the apron! Goldust want a piece of the Squad-ers, Mickie prevents that, and Johnny and Nicky both stomp him down. Elbowlock on Snitsky while Coach and Todd go over the injury list. Snitsky rallying back and punching, so Mikey and Mitch get up on the apron for a distraction - Snitsky off the ropes, into a kick from the outside, and a dropkick on the inside. One two no. Tag? No, there's no ref. Johnny grabs Snitsky, and then the ref is back over for a tag, so he makes one to Nicky, who adds a leg drop and covers, one two no. Nicky with a punch, armbar, cranking jumping armwinger. One two no. Tag to Johnny, who climbs Snitsky down with forearms to the back. Elbowlock. Snitsky trying to punch out one more time, and the punches work, but he gets yet another drop toe hold. Kneebar, tag to Nicky. Why is this match so long? Crowd better explode when he makes the tag. Snitsky's set up in the corner, Johnny goes to all fours, and Nicky laps off him for the - missed jumping forearm. Perhaps they should've tried something bigger a littler sooner. Will Snitsky be able to finally make the tag? He kicks Johnny away, and he starts crawling. He's got to cross the whole ring, but he kicks Nicky away, and makes the tag. Rights for everyone. Whip, reversed, clothesline for Nicky, inverted atomic drop and clothesline for Johnny, backdrop for Nicky, corner whip, and corner clothesline for Johnny. Goldust is setting him up for the Shattered Dreams (Todd: "Golden Globes" - let's not start that again), but the Squad is in action again. Kenny distracts the ref, and Mikey - blocks Goldust's path? Gotta have a better plan than that. Mikey turns away form Goldust to free Johnny, and Goldust simply low blow kicks him from behind. Nicky charges Goldust, powerslam one two Johnny breaks it up. Snitsky goes after him, but ends up going out. Goldust tries a curtain call on Nicky, but Nicky escapes to his feet. Goldust off the ropes - Nicky pulls the ref out of view, so Kenny and Mitch can trip up Goldust. Once Goldust gets back to his feet, Nicky lifts him up, and Johnny adds a jumping spin kick. One two three. (10:54) Uh, yay?

Todd squeezes in one more plug for ONS. That's it.