draft is agonizing. open.

Lance Cade (Nashville, TN, 282 pounds) vs Eugene (Louisville, KY, 242 pounds) - we saw this one six weeks ago, but it seems much shorter. Your announcers are Joey and Todd. I think Todd's weirded out by having a partner who actually doesn't hate him. Todd: "[Joey], the George Costanza of the broadcast land. I know you're going to do a terrible job, so let's get to it!" Lance is angry at Lillian for something - perhaps adding the extra weight? Joey explains Cade is a chauvinist? Must've hung around with Coach too much. Todd also uses the word "dichotomy". There's the bell. Eugene has issues with his jacket. 

Todd mocks Joey for having prepared material. 
Joey: "Actually, I'm not, it's all adlibbed - see, here, I'm allowed to have some personality." 
Todd: "Well, it's hard, because you don't have much." 
Oh, so this is one of THOSE shows.  

Meanwhile, Eugene wants a handshake - and gets it! But that's from Jack Doan. Lance Cade is a bit of a tough sell on this count. Cade slaps it away. Lance has been working on his angry scowl. Lance and Eugene work armbars, but Todd's really far more interested in tearing Styles apart. First he calls Joey ugly, and then he starts cutting a promo on him: "By the way, could you call some wrestling moves? I know you've been dying to, they don't let you on RAW, right, you're telling stories! Now you can call wrestling moves! What is this!" This is a wristlock. This is Eugene reversing it, and Cade getting in a knee. Joey is selling the God match. Headlock. Todd: "Joey, this is a family show [bizarre silence]." Todd again: "Mr. McMahon is the boss! You're just a peon, Joey! Like me! We're nobodies around here!" Hey, look, they're doing the same running the ropes spot as last time. If Eugene puts on the cowboy hat, I'm tossing up a link to the last one of these and just listening to the feuding and fussing. No, Eugene is crawling under the ropes. Someone must've decided they needed a heel announcer, because Todd finds Eugene annoying all of the sudden. Eugene's sneaking leads to waistlock rollup for two. Bite the butt. Atomic drop. Three point stance, but Cade moves and throws Eugene into the post. Cranking the arm. Hammerlock. Shoulder in the corner, and I'm bored with this. "Is Coach going to be back next week?" WWE Fantasy ad. Joey talks about the Visagra we didn't actually see. Todd: "That's your seventh bad joke and we're still in the first match. Todd is also bored. Joey talks about the radical shift in Lance's personality, which would be great if ever had one. Punches to the head on and on. Armbar, stepping over. Styles says "trained by HBK." HBK would like no part of this nowadays, I think. Oh, no, he smashed him into the turnbuckle. And again. And again. YOU. You think Cade would learn. Eugene with lots of right hand punches, because his left shoulder is hurting. In fact, when he goes for the airplane spin, it kills him, and Cade slips free. Cade tries a clothesline, but Eugene ducks under and there's a Rock Bottom with the good arm. Cover! No, he doesn't - Cade rolls to the apron, so Eugene gets the hat. Well, since this is almost over, I'll keep going. Eugene wrestling with the hat on. Corner whip, charge into the boot (there goes the hat). Cade: "HE WANTS TO BE A FUNNY MAN, WEARING MY HAT?" Yes, yes he does. Cade puts the hat back on, and takes off his head with a running clothesline. One two three. (5:44) Todd calls Cade a "complete package". 

Backlash: oh God 

WWE 24 presents This Week In Wrestling History: WHERE TO, STEPHANIE! And the next night on RAW. Vince looks a lot younger on April 26, 1999. SYMBOL. Stephanie looks a lot different, but duh. Hey, they took out all the other run-ins! Mideon!

Goldust & Snitsky (560 pounds) vs Eric Swartz & Andrew Simmons (already in the ring, 470 pounds) - Your ref is Chad. Todd and Joey talk about Joey in the bedroom. Goldust and Andrew start. Goldust forces Andrew into the corner so he can be creepy. Andrew yells at him and shoves him. Posing by Andrew. Lockup. Andrew in a headlock, into a a hammerlock, reversal by Goldust, into an armbar, so he can slap Andrew in the butt. Tag to Snitsky - Hart Attack! One two NO. Turnbuckle smash. Kicks in the corner by Snitsky. Delayed suplex. Joey says "on-camera character". Snitsky goes for Andrew's boot, and while Goldust is arguing with Snitsky about it, Andrew crawls away and tags in Eric. Lockup, Snitsky headlock. Rights. Shot off, shoulderblock. Todd: "I'm tired of looking at you, Joey! Why don't you sit back for a while and let other people do something around here!" Off the ropes, over, Snitsky blocks a hiptoss, and gives Eric doesn't. Scoop, slam, elbow drop one two no. Todd calls Joey ugly again! Tag to Goldust. Eric rallying back with bunches of punches. Tag to Andrew. Whip, Andrew puts his head down too soon so eh can take the punch. Inverted atomic drop. Corner punches. Corner whip, reversed, Eric points to his head and runs into a powerslam. Tag to Snitsky. Corner whip, Snitsky corner clothesline, and he's going after the foot again. Untying the boot. Goldust can't believe he's doing this. Goldust focuses on the foot, so Goldust has to run into stop Eric from getting involved. Goldust ells Snitsky to focus, so of course he goes after Eric's feet. That distracts the ref, so Goldust can give Andrew the Shattered Dreams. Snitsky gets back to work. Forearm, Goldust comes back in so Joey can say "Ocean Cyclone suplex!" One two three. (4:56) Snitsky wants Goldust's feet now, and Goldust is out of here. Goldust takes a comic pratfall in his retreat, but he's getting out with his feet. 

RAW: yet another handicap match (1:50)

Backlash: three way

Trevor Murdoch (Waxahachie, TX, 250 pounds) vs Kane (320 pounds) - Joey mocks "the maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain event!" Todd says Trevor gets into a fight every night at RAW? So the angle is "no one can tell you when Kane's movie comes out, for fear of losing their life" or am I just over thinking this? DOT COM DROP IN. Trevor jumps Kane with forearms, not that Kane's going down. Off the ropes, Trevor runs into a punch. Right. Whip, backdrop takes a lot of work to get him over. Turnbuckle. Your ref is Mickie, by the way. Slam. Off the ropes, elbow drop comes up empty. Trevor hides in the corner, Kane charges into a back elbow, Murdoch blockbuster! Trevor makes the mistake of celebrating, and that's all the time Kane needs to get up. Big boot drops Trevor. Choking him on the mat. Knee choke. Right hands. Choke. Crowd is chanting MAY NINETEENTH for a moment there. Kane does not acknowledge. More chokes. Right. Elbow. More Stuff. Joey with some horrible forced segues. Corner whip, corner splash. Corner clothesline. Side slam. Kane headed up, and there's the clothesline. Do the chokeslam already. That's his idea. Goozle, chokeslam. One two three. (3:24) Todd says Kane (the guy with two good eyes) may be the favorite in his match.

That's it.