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Horrible Matt Striker (New York City, 237 pounds) vs Not A Lot Better Johnny Parisi (Long Island, NY, 230 pounds) - he's wearing "M" tights tonight, huh. Matches like this one make me wonder how they possibly can do a three hour RAW, but whatever. If I was a NYer, I'd be unhappy about the quantity of losers representing me here. New music again for Parisi? Attacking early for Pariai? SUre. Rights. Slam. Your ref is Chad. Elbow drop. Elbow drop. Elbow drop. Off the ropes, fist drop. Look at the ugly chest veins. Whip, reversed into a standing's fireman's carry in the least impressive head crusher possible. Striker follows that up with a crappy spinning headscissors. Todd: "Matt Striker showing some great athletic ability." Right. Dropkick, and Johnny is going to think about this. Hey, if WWE owns all the WCW names, do they own "Johnny Swinger"? I figured he wasn't using it because he wanted to own it himself and use it again if/when he was cut loose, but maybe that's not an issue. Anyway, Striker wanders into a neck snap over the top rope because he's a moron. Parisi back in, clothesline, annoying sell. One two NO. Choke. Chinlock. Striker rallying back up, crowd with him a little. Lots of punches here, I'm waiting for the forearm to end the tease. Whip, Striker is late putting his head down too soon (wrap yourself around that mind puzzle), and there's the forearm to the back and Striker is thrown down by the back of the head. I don't know if I'm going to make it all four minutes here. Striker framing his stomps. Todd: " order to get up that next step on the food chain." This leads to Coach talking about apple juice. Striker trying to fight his way up. Reverse neckbreaker. Parisi with a neck pinch. Neck pinches suck. Parisi is yelling a lot for no reason. Striker fighting up. Right. Right. Parisi mixes up his comeback stoppers by using a knee this time. Striker pops back up anyway, off the ropes, clothesline misses, Striker cross body, Parisi drops under, and Striker gets nothing. Parisi covers one two no. Striker into the corner, and Parisi working him over with stomps. Boot choke. Stomps. Slaps. Striker turns it around in the corer, chops and forearms. Stupid pumped up pose. Whip, charge, monkey flip. Not good dropkick. Better one on the second try. They walk thru Parisi missing a clothesline, Striker runs into a sidewalk slam one two NO. Parisi works over Striker. Corner whip, Parisi charges into a boot. Annoucers throwing an amazing amount of (mostly boring) ideas to the wall to talk about these two guys; Coach thinks people aren't reacting to the match because they're so new (the fake crowd noises are hiding any non-reactions.) Parisi tries a punch, Striker catches it for a backslide, Parisi reveres it, Striker uses the corner to climb up and land in front of Parisi, kneeling reverse neckbreaker, supbar There It Is! (O-Zone). One two three. (5:01) Hey, you SUCK. Coach: "You talk about Matt Striker wanting to get it done against a quality opponent - that's what he did right here." Uh not quite.

Your hosts are Coach and Todd.

Tonight: Rene Dupree vs Tajiri in Tajiri Jobbing World Tour 2005
Next: Cena vs Tomko

WWE Rewind, sponsored by Serenity: Kurt Angle beats Eugene, Cena makes the save, Tomko attempts murder. Work on it!

I believe I was the only one looking for this match, but maybe it was because Cena getting kicked in the head = good. They clip down the match, but the part I found most interesting is Cena not particularly selling a concussion, despite the announcers claims. I thought the whole idea was weak, because no one's going to be let back in the ring or a game or whatever after suffering a concussion at this point in our sports medical history, and they didn't even bother to explain it. Not though tout well? Perhaps. What does Rene Dupree think of all of this? Wait, that's not Rene Dupree. (4:55)
Unforgiven: John Cena vs Kurt Angle [WWE]
RAW: Jericho Angle & Carlito Tomko vs Cena in a 2 on 1 handicap match. I didn't even know Kurt had a band! Tomko really needs a better video.

Bod Bodyslam of the Week: Cade & Murdoch debut by beating Hurricane & Rosey. Join the club.

Lawler: "I don't think anyone has ever debuted on RAW and beat the World Tag Team Champions." Well, that's probably true, you don't think that.
Unforgiven: the Hurricane and Rosey vs Cade & Murdoch [WORLD TAG]

Danny Basham (255 pounds) vs Nigel McGunniess (already in the ring, London, England, 230 pounds) - Coach: "This guy is very mysterious." Yea, he apparently has been possessing the power of invisibility. Face makeup, great. Before we even get a look at Nigel (hey cool it's Nigel), we've got an Earlier Today with Danny, speaking in a 'creepy whisper': "I'm sick of the shadows! I'm sick of a being a team player! I'm sick of being under estimated! Do not dismiss what you can not understand! Fear me! Fear Danny Basham!" Yea, that promo won't work that name. Is the name Raven available? Your ref is Chris Kay. It's a brand new Danny Basham, we're forced to believe. Lockup, Danny with a knee, forearm to the back. Forearm. Three people are entertaining themselves with a "We Want Doug" chant. Forearm. Kicks to the midsection. Stomps. Boot choke. Danny sets up Nigel's head neck to a post, rolls out, and grinds Nigel's head into the post with his boot. Break, and five count. Danny back in. Nigel trying to kick his way out of the corner, but Danny gives him right hands. Whip, clothesline. "AAAAAH!" Nigel tries to punch up, Nigel with a stomp. Snap mare, face yank. Coach: "'Nigel McGunniess.' It's like he's a beer. A very light beer." Danny off the ropes, elbow drop. Neck vice. Nigel up his feet, elbowing, but Danny stops him with a forearm to the back. Turnbuckle smash. Chop. Corner whip, Danny charges into a boot, but Danny catches and clotheslines. Suplex. Slapping the back of Nigel's head. Nigel trying to fight up. European Uppercut! Nigel stops that madness with a knee. Knee. Knee. Jab Jab Right Cross - too much time around OJ, I guess. Announcers are trying to ram home "Danny's changed from a nice smiling happy lovable person to an angry twisted creepy soul", which would be great if he was ever a face to start with. I'm just sorta turning them out.  Neck vice. Coach: "We're all getting ready to make a change in a couple weeks" but no more - are they not allowed to say? They really should start promoting it by tomorrow night. Nigel is able to slip out of the neck vice, and gets a backslide one two no. Nigel with forearms and European Uppercut. Whip, quick reverse by Danny. Finisher time? That's a right proper front suplex. Popular move this weekend. He's not done? Grabbing Nigel and making a beheading motion across his neck!!!! Sound the (funk) alarm. This was all a weird way to set up the Slop Drop. One two three. (4:37) Someone's laying it on a bit thick - I'm not sure if it's me or him.

Next: Chris Masters in exciting action.

RAW Live
Monday - Alltel Arena, Little Rock, Arkansas [RAW]
what's with the 5:45 start time? They're not going to have the people in the building for 2 hours before RAW starts (8 pm locally) and they don't tape matches for Heat or Velocity on the combined shows; it's just goes too long. Either RAW won't actually be live, or they're going to try taping SmackDown! before RAW, as a way to keep the crowd around and hot the whole night.
Sunday - Ford Center, Oklahoma City, OK [Unforgiven]
Next Monday - Kay Yeager Coliseum, Wichita Falls, TX [RAW]
Next Next Monday - Waco, TX [RAW]
Next Next Friday - El Paso, TX [RAW Live]

Coach: "No one, and I mean no one, had ever broken the Masterlock before." BOOKER T! BOOKER T! BOOKER T!

I conned you about this being exciting. Totally missing Rob this week. No blood on this show. We see a replay of the end of the challenge; apparently the party line is you have to totally get free from the hold, not just break the grip, to win - and that HBK was going to win, so Masters threw him down to keep his perfect record. (5:58)

Unforgiven: Shawn Michaels vs Chris Masters
Unforgiven: Carlito vs Ric Flair [IC]
Unforgiven: Big Show vs Snitsky
Unforgiven: the Hurricane and Rosey vs Cade & Murdoch [WORLD TAG]
Unforgiven: Matt Hardy vs Edge [CAGE]
Unforgiven: John Cena vs Kurt Angle [WWE]
Unforgiven: "Calling" by Taproot.

Maria talks to Tajiri. Oh boy.
"I am here on Sunday Night Heat with Tajiri. And Tajiri, are you ready for your main event match tonight, against Rene Dupree?"
"Hi! Hi back! Are you ready for your main event match tonight against Rene Dupree."
"Hi. You're very nice. Maybe you just don't understand. [emphasizes each word] Are you ready for your match tonight?"
[doing same] "Yes I am!"
"Good! Good!"
[still same] "Maybe you too much sake? Hehehehe." [leaves]
"But but I don't even wear socks!"

Rene Dupree (Paris, France, 260 pounds) vs Tajiri (Japan, 206 pounds) - Coach wonders if Maria wears something, not socks, but something he can't mention on the air. Didn't look that way. Announcers agree Rene is still unbeaten since jumping. Your ref is Chad. Circle. Coach: "I would say, the Coach has been misted more than anyone else in WWE history." "And it still didn't help your face." Lots of time left here. ECW chant. Lockup, Tajiri shoved down. Lockup, Tajiri is hiptossed. Rene poses. Circle. Lockup. Rene slams Tajiri. French Tickler! Well, we've got time to kill. Crowd is appreciative. What are they chanting now? Lockup, Rene tries another slam, Tajiri slips out into a headlock. Shot off, hiptoss, reversed, Tajiri armdrag, monkey flip! Kick to the back of the leg knocks Rene down, and he's rolled out. Crowd lout for Tajiri. Rene trying to work of his hamstring pain on the outside, pausing to scowl at the crowd. Dupree walks up the steps and reenters the ring. Tajiri French Tickler! Rene is angered and charges, right into a drop toe hold. Kick to the butt is sold huge. Dupree begging off in the corner. Tajiri approaching him, and getting kicked. Headlock, shot off, shoulderblock, off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, over, waved by, Dupree goes over by lands on the apron - so Tajiri kicks him in the leg to send him to the floor. Break? Yep. (3:09)

Dupree begging off in the middle of the ring again. Tajiri approaching - and Rene pokes him in the eye. Right to the head. Whip, Tajiri back with a handspring elbow, but Rene murders him with a forearm to the back. Rene limping, but back on Tajiri with a choke. Todd: "At least I'm not Steve Romero." Coach: "That's a very very good point." Rene choking, breaking, choking. Tajiri gets to the ropes after Rene breaks for an extended moment. Rene kicks Tajiri in the side, and chokes him on the ropes. Running - well, limping - knee to the back. "YOU SUCK YOU SUCK" Rene chops Tajiri down and stares at the crowd for yelling at him. Face yank. Spine kick. Rene backing up and limping. Tajiri picked up, and Tajiri's attacking the hurt leg with kicks. Forearm to the back and an elbow to the back of the head stops him. One two no. Kneeling chinlock. Crowd rallying for Tajiri, so Rene stops and drops a fist. Boot scrape. Chop. Rene to the middle rope. Second rope fist drop actually connects! One two NO. Chinlock. Tajiri rallying with help from the crowd. Elbows out, but Rene stops him with a forearm again. Rene tries a kick, but Tajiri catches it - it's he be bad leg, and now it's worse due to a dragon screw leg whip. Both up, and Tajiri attacking the leg with kicks again. Coach notes Tajiri's going after the body part. Handspring elbow, duck a clothesline, land a reverse thrust kick one two NO! Tajiri can't believe it. Tajiri charges Rene in the corner, Rene backdrops him to the apron. Tajiri with a kick to the head from there, and a swinging dropkick to the back leg. Tajiri back in, in the corner. Rene walks over, and takes the Tarantula. Tajiri setting up for it, Buzzsaw kick Ducked, Rene lands the Maven's Finisher. One two three. (4:54, 8:02 total)

RAW: Cena vs Angle & Tomko