TV 14 DLV (how come it's okay to do that Sunday at 6 CST but not Saturday at 6) CC entertainment open

You are LIVE outside the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA where it looks like they haven't bothered to open the doors yet. Hey, Coach has gotten somewhat more whiter - and Al's boobs are bigger! Oh no our special guest hosts for this pre SmackDown! PPV (and episode 302) Heat are Grisham and Ivory. Which is actually good in one aspect - there's no way Al can pull off that dress. You know, I actually taped the second WWE Experience and I watched nearly 30 seconds before I had to stop before I lost my mind. Way back before WM All Day, someone said that Ivory would be a great host for a children's show, which seems correct to me; the problem is she does every show that way. This recap may not turn out well. Better to fit in. 

While Todd and Ivory kiss up to the crowd, I guess I need to point out there's a crowd; they're doing this from among the crowd (but safely fenced off) in front of the Center. Hope it's not as hot as when Al and Coach tried this. Ivory explains Coach and Al aren't here because this is all about SmackDown, which is why we've got a RAW very infrequent wrestler and a RAW backstage interviewer instead. Quick, before I amuse myself more with poking holes in logic, show the lineup!

Judgment Day: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Championship
Ivory: "I've known Eddie Guerrero for a lot of years, and I know he's a passionate man" OOOOOOH.
Judgment Day: Undertaker vs Booker T

Todd throws it to Tazz and Cole (4). Cole wastes no time in exposing WWE Experience's not-live-as-implied nature, pointing out the hosts magically took a trip from New York to LA. Tazz says Ivory is "a sexy version of the Energizer Bunny". Tazz demonstrates a little bit, then models SmackDown! Magazine. Which leads in to

Judgment Day: John Cena vs Rene Dupree. I've given up on the accents unless he's in a match. 

This video package doesn't count. Hey, it's a match graphic inside a video package. Wow, even the clips from Velocity! Someone must've been bored. (2:35) Cole: "What's more USA than Los Angeles?" Cole piles on by saying the Judgment Day tickets are hotter than Los Angeles Laker tickets! And then he yells that the cage is TWENTY FEET HIGH and I dunno. 

Tonight: Mark Jindrak vs Funaki - I guess that's why he's too busy to host this shindig.

1-800-Call-ATT and tell them that we had a new Cruiserweight Champion two weeks ago.

We pan in on a COMPLETELY empty arena, while Cole asks us to ignore the lack of people and believe him when he tells us that it's Sold Out. Maybe the should open the doors a little sooner one of these times. Wait, I see them actually come in. 

Judgment Day: Jacqueline vs Chavo Guerrero for the Cruiserweight Championship, where Chavo will have one arm tied behind his back

highlights from Jacqueline vs Chavo Classic of three days ago. Oh no, Chavo Classic is only wearing the same trunks that half the roster wears! How embarrassing! Hey, what's the point of flying Ivory and Grisham in if Cole and Tazz are still going to do half the work? (:38)

In the locker room, Jacqueline stares at her package. Hey! No! Get your mind out of the gutter. Torrie shows up and neither has anything to say. Jacqueline: "I have a little surprise for Chavo Guerrero tonight." Torrie wants to see Jacqueline's package! I need think I need to evacuate this segment!

Ivory and Grisham wonder about the wrapped present Jacqueline is going to give to Chavo . Ivory: "Well, hopefully something that will BOOST Chavo's man ego." She's never been subtle. Ivory obviously likes her girl Jacqueline in this. Ivory: "Do you think you could take me in the ring, Todd?" Todd: "With one arm tied behind my back?" "Yea" "Probably (I'm bigger than you.)" Ivory starts shoving him right on national television until they remember they're being broadcasted on air, I guess. And Ivory's in a dress so she can't beat him down here - but apparently, she can knee him in the gut! Welcome to the WWE Todd - you're not officially here till you get beaten down. Ivory sends us to a break

Tonight: Mark Jindrak vs Funaki

Kenzo Suzuki - Japan's answer to Brakkus!
Tazz: "Alrighty then."

Judgment Day: Undertaker vs Booker T
How we got there (3:21) 

Someone took away Josh (5!)'s glasses and made him stand in front of Booker T's locker room to get them back! We listen to the weird noises inside. Josh promises an interview or something later. 

Tonight: Mark Jindrak vs Funaki 

YJ insta-set up for a tag match of Last Thursday. Wait, the one with Rey.

Back to Todd and Ivory. Ivory's promised no more kickery or kneery for the next 30 minutes. 

Judgment Day: Rey Mysterio/Rob Van Dam vs the Dudley Boyz
Judgment Day: Rico & Charlie Haas (except Todd says "Rico and                        [Ivory starts to cover] Charlie Haas") (c) vs Billy Gunn & Hardcore Holly for the WWE Tag Team Titles. Ivory is worried that Rico might be distracted by Billy Gunn's butt.

To Rue (6! gotta be a single brand record!) who stands with Jackie (Gayda), Rico and Charlie Haas, and engages in a crazy outfit contest with Jackie, I guess. Hers is more distracting, but not because it looks good. Haas promises to lead HIS team to victory, while Rico promises not to abandon the match to have sex with either Billy Gunn or Hardcore Holly. 

Tazz wants a kiss from Cole. But not really. Except really. Let's move on. Talk about Eddie and Bradshaw. I'm doing this total disobedient act of refusing to use the new stupid initials. It's not really working out for me in any aspect, but I think I'll keep it up for at least one more show.

Back to Things You (May) Care About Back, Eddie smashing the limo which contained no Bradshaw. (:15)

Judgment Day: Eddie Guerrero vs John Bradshaw Layfield

Mordecai tonight. Judgment Day.

Cole and Tazz are hyped for the debut of Mordecai. 

Judgment Day: Torrie Wilson vs Dawn Marie

RAW Rebound. Wait, on Heat? That doesn't make a lot of sense. (1:49)

Ivory and Todd pimp RAW. Good tickets still available. Ivory and Todd wonder who could win, and debate who drives to San Diego

Next: Mark Jindrak vs Funaki

Theodore R. Long actually gets to walk to the ring! We've got way too much time for this. Cole notes Long used to be on this show all the time. Long explains that Hollywood loves and thrives on perfection, and he knows they use plastic surgery, celluite, illegal drugs and use too much botox to get that way. But tonight, he's bring us a man who came out of the womb perfect, which must've made puberty difficult. Long brings us the man who didn't have to puke to get here, but may cause you to, the Reflection of Perfection, Mark Jindrak. No hand mirror this time. I'm vastly disappointed. Teddy desperately trying to get a reaction from the crowd, and the crowd (well, the part that's there) collectively buys a beer. There's them abs. "Look at it, look at it, I love it like a fat woman loves spandex!" Oh no, he's got to do it over the presented by ad too. Is Jindrak flexing his butt muscles? Eww.

Mark Jindrak vs Funaki (no introduction) - yes, the standing mirror magically disappears. We must've missed a segment or gone late somewhere around here, because Cole takes a moment to say goodbye for Ivory and Todd, instead of them doing it. Hope the closing video package is long, because we've got plenty of time left. Circle. Wait, no, Jindrak wants Funaki to stop and check out his abs. Jindrak's abs. Not Funaki's. Oh, I get it, Jindrak is giving one free shot to the abs. If Funaki was any kind of man, he's kick him low. Funaki punches him in the abs, but the abs no sell. "NOTHIN! YOU'RE NOT PERFECTION! YOU'RE NOTHIN!" Jindrak goes back to posing, and Funaki stomps on his foot. Right to the head, right, right. Whip starts botched (Jindrak back foot plants to far back, out of the ring) but Jindrak manages to reverse, clothesline misses and Funaki goes back to punching. Jindrak rams Funaki into the corner to stop that. Jindrak with the devastating left hand, and stops so Theodore can check Mark's face for marks. Nope. Stomp on Funaki. Suplex, one two no. Headlock on the mat. Funaki refuses to give up. Funaki rallying back, elbows, whip, reversed, Jindrak stops this with a kick. Standing dropkick looks more impressive because he's only doing it on short guys, and right into push ups and sit ups and a nip up. Tazz: "This guy is stealing my repertoire!" Jindrak picks up Funaki, right, right, corner whip, reversed, Jindrak tries a corner cross body, Funaki drops down and Jindrak hits the ropes. Funaki trying to crawl away, Jindrak grabs one leg and gets another upside the head. Both men slow up. Funaki off the ropes, one handed bulldog. Can he cover? Slowly, one two BIG kickout. Funaki right, right, whip, no that's not going to work, Jindrak whips Funaki in the corner, Jindrak charges into double boots. Funaki charges out with a clothesline, Jindrak ducks under and use a springboard clothesline to take him down. LA Laker reference 27 for the night here. Mark of Excellence. One two three. (3:46) Tazz has been briefed on the name. Raise his hand. Watch this replay. 

Cole says all the people in LA want Bradshaw to win! No, not really. 

Hey, it's the video package I saw on Velocity. You know, the problem for Bradshaw is he could have the match of his life, and the match of many other people's lives, and it's not going to help here, because he hasn't done it before the show and the only reason to believe he'll do is that he says he'll do it, like anyone else would say in that situation. They really really needed to have Bradshaw beat someone people took seriously well before now in a feud, but there's not many on SmackDown people take very seriously at this point - your last three PPV title match participants besides Eddie are Kurt (injured), Brock (gone), Hardcore Holly (a complete after thought). They really could've used a star to help fill the gap. Say, like a Triple H. Oh, wait, never mind.

Anyway, I think my point is that, if things go bad tonight, or bad in a few months when they start figuring PPV numbers, it's not really Bradshaw's fault. Or Eddie's fault. They didn't create the hype for this match as much as the people writing for the shows, so it's in their hands if this succeeds or fails. Maybe they need to be the people yelling at people on the 'net. Hey, the video package is over (3:60)

Live: John Bradshaw Layfield's limo arrives. Judgment Day is next.