One Week Ago: the Rick wronged me and/or the universe, and I cursed Dayton in response. Live and learn. Also, WrestleMania.

Sign #43 That WWE Didn't Think The 'New' Big Angle Out In The Least: Unless we're using ping pong balls to decide who gets to draft this year's overrated high schoolers, the words "draft lottery" don't make sense together and surely shouldn't be interchangable. Which is exactly how they're using them. 

Pre Heat Programming: "Trucks!"

TV PG CC entertainment

WrestleMania XX recap video package (1:07)

open fireworks. 

Rico (Las Vegas, NV, 228 pounds, w/Miss Jackie) vs Heat GM Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds) - your announcers are Al and Coach, and this is the 295th Heat. No one will forget WMXX, especially when they just show a video package about it. Now this is strange - standard operating procedure of late says no one can come out with another person if they have a match otherwise in the taping (and, technically, Jackie and Stacy did have one), but she's here and Victoria isn't. I hope it's just because they figure no one will care about Rico with Jackie, but they're really starting to worry me about Heat's power couple. Steven is extra pumped for whatever reason. This could be the last time (1) Al and Coach do Heat together! Rico claps for Steven's Stevenness. Coach says "draft lottery". Lockup, Rico with a wristlock, Steven reveres to his own armbar. Crank. Crank. Rico reveres into an armbar. Headlock. Al: "Can you imagine Eddie Guerrero on RAW?" Such a strange idea. He does remember that Benoit's been on SmackDown - he's jumped three times already. Steven shoots Rico off, Rico back with a shoulderblock. Rico off the ropes, over, big kiss for Steven. Steven is unhappy with that. And he's got glitter on his face. Steven lets Rico knows that he's not going to fall for any of those mid games. Al: "Steven, I think he thinks he knows what's going on." Coach: "Did you just hear yourself?" Lockup, Rico headlock, spin around into a drop toe hold, Rico tries to sit on Steven's back to ride him, but Steven escapes through his legs first, knee to the back off the knee and now it's Steven on top of Rico, slapping that butt. Rico enjoys it, sadly. Rico with a sensual feel up of Steven's face, which stops this. Rico celebrates being Rico and Steven takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Kicks to the hamstring. Leg smash into the mat. Jumping knee drop on the knee. Kick to the back of the knee. Kick to the front of the knee! Pulling Ricoh in the middle of the ring - spinning toe hold! I'm not used to seeing this without a figure four or a small package. Rico puts his shoulders down while screaming in pain, one and up. Steven trying one more twist, but Rico boots him off into the corner. Inside cradle one two NO. Steven's clothesline is blocked, and turned around into a kneeling reverse neckbreaker. Looked nice, but Rico dropped on his bad knee in the process and is clutching it instead of covering. Both men slow up. Rico blocks Steven's punch and hits his own. And again. Wait, who's the face here? Rico connects with a right hand, kick is caught, kick to the chest with the other leg isn't. At least it's not an enziguri. Steven retreats to the corner, and Rico hops after him. Rico punch flurry, ending with a European Uppercut. Rico kicks Steven in the side, but it's with the bad right knee, so he's clutching it again instead of following up. Steven takes advantage, corner whip, reversed, Rico hits the springboard corner kick to the head. Rico covering one two NO. Al: "What two women do get along, Coach?" Rico tries the standing spin kick, but Steven ducks and watches as Rico screams in pain while clutching that knee. "STEEVEETEE!" Rico heard, dude - double leg takedown into a jacknife cover one two three (3:52) Oh no. Steven is unhappy, Jackie is in to check on Rico. Steven's up and pulling Jackie off - she's shoved down! Kick to Rico's bad knee! Rico's dragged to the corner - knee smashed into the post! Twice! Kick to the knee! Coach: "What in the world is going on in the head of Steven Richards?" Well I guess I got my answer about the face. But if Steven's back to being a heel, and Victoria is apparently a face, oh no.

Edge. Is Coming. (:25) He got too busy hanging around in darkly lit rooms to keep writing that column, you see.

Surprises at WMXX - like Trish hooking up with Christian (:40)
Christian and Trish explain on RAW. Well, not really. You can say "screw" on Heat! No one's going to chant CLB, let it GO. (1944-2154)
Coach: "What a nice couple Christian and Trish make!"

Tonight: Rosey and the Hurricane vs Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade FOR THE EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME

RAW's Marc Lloyd interviews the Hacksaw Rock about the Rundown (on DVD this Tuesday). (3:12)

Lance Storm (Calgary, Alberta, Canada, 230 pounds) vs Ken Phoenix (200something pounds) - Coach is distressed about not being on the RunDown DVD. "I carried the Rock for a year! [pause for introductions] I mean, I carried his bags, I carried his car keys, what else does he want." Al and Coach take a moment from their weekly local wrestler burying to put over Phoenix as a prospect - he's just turned 18. Circle. Lockup, Storm with an armbar, whip, Phoenix with an armdrag, armbar. Lance to his feet and uses a single leg to get free. Elbow drop but no one's home. Ken with another armdrag to take back over. Into an armbar. Coach: "I don't think I've ever seen Jericho snap like that." Die. Storm getting up and walking Phoenix into the corner. Clean break - no, Lance with a cheap elbow? This is the night of vaguely face guys acting evil! Lance's punch is blocked, and about two seconds later Ken hits his punch. Ken charges out of the corner, but right into Storm's leg lariat. One two NO. Turnbuckle smash by Lance. 

Al: "I just want to point out, that I, after all this time I've spent with you, I've now developed your style of just saying 'huge move.'
Coach: "And see how much better you sound?"

Phoenix stumbles all the way into another corner, so he takes a back elbow over there instead. Snap mare, legdrop one two no. Back elbow to the neck. And again. Chinlock. That looks more like a choke or at least a forearm grinding the nose, but Jack Doan doesn't care. Phoenix up and elbowing out, whip, clothesline. Clothesline. Clothesline. Those last couple were something, something not good. But he is 18. Whip, jumping back elbow, Phoenix almost landing before hitting it, one two no. Suplex? I think it was a half hour variety, but it wasn't going to work and Storm slipped out anyway. Storm puts on a full nelson, Phoenix drops down to escape and locks Storm in a bodyscissors rollup one two NO. Storm with a forearm, which is the best looking move of the match. Corner whip, reversed, Ken kips up but Storm catches him on his shoulders. Forward roll slam (Al: "Made popular by Argentine Rocca!") one two NO. Storm questions the count, but it's still two. Ken manages to fight back with a punch and a chinbrekaer. Whip, reversed, Storm with the roll into single leg Boston Crab. Ken reaching, but he's going nowhere. That's it. (3:27) Storm is limply slightly, but celebrates like normal.

Tonight: Rosey and the Hurricane vs Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade
Next: Shawn Michaels, man on a mission

Hellboy sponsors a HBK run in? That doesn't make any sense!

Al and Coach talk about Eric wanting to capitalize on WM, despite the injuries.
Three On Two. About ten seconds from Foley's run in. (4:36)
Al wonders if this will be the last time (2) we see either of these guys on RAW.
RAW: EVERYTHING CHANGES.

Next: Rosey and the Hurricane vs Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade

RAW Live
Monday - Detroit, MI [RAW]
Saturday - Cape Girardeau, MO [WM ReVenge Tour]
Next Sunday - St. Louis, MO [not part of that tour?]
Next Monday - Cincinnati, OH [RAW]
Next Friday - Hidalgo, TX [SOLD OUT]

Dragengard Stunner on Brock, Stunner on Goldberg of Last Sunday

the Hurricane & Rosey (565 pounds) vs Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak (532 pounds) - At least, when they do this on Velocity, it's Shannon Moore vs Ultimo Dragon. Coach: "Now here come your guys, the guy you put your stamp on, the guys you said were going to be-" "Yea, they're in the ring, Hurricane and Rosey!" Coach begs to disagree. Al: "They've got the size, they've got the speed, I don't know about the intelligence." "Well, Hurricane does have the speed." So we've heard. Coach says that these guys aren't his favorites. Al points out that no one is his favorites. "That's why you have a ménage a moi, all the time." Rosey and Cade to start. Lockup, Rosey has the advantage but Cade turns it around at the last instant. Cade feigns the clean break, throws a punch anyway, and Rosey blocks it before hitting his own. Cade complains about closed fists. lockup, Cade with an armbar, twist, Rosey reverses into his own, twist, pounding the arm. Tag to the Hurricane, who goes to the second rope for an axhandle to the arm. Armbar by Hurricane. Al suggests that this might be the last time these two (he doesn't specify) could team again (3). Cade escapes the armbar with a whip, wild back elbow misses, Hurricane's cross body does not one two no. Hurricane off the ropes, over with a roll, quick turn to dropkick Cade in the face. Cade rolls out, Coach suggests that this is the last time Jindrak and Cade could team (4). Hurricane indicates that he's going to flip, and Cade, smarter than he looks move far out of diving range. Cade back in, tag to Jindrak. Jindrak is not impressed by Hurricane. Kick. Elbow to the back. Right. Whip, Jindrak's hiptoss is supposed to be blocked but Hurricane kinda flies through it, then puts on his own blocked hiptoss. Knee to the midsection, cruiserweight flip out (omg he's going to SmackDown again), Hurricane ends up dropping behind, Mark misses the clothesline, Hurricane off the ropes with a spinning headscissors. Jindrak pushed into the superhero corner. Tag to Rosey, and they start clubbering on Jindrak. Al: "This is what, a good friend, the American Dream Dusty Rhodes  used to call 'a clubbering.'" I knew it! Coach never heard of this before. Rosey with a forearm for Jindrak, whip, slam, no Jindrak slips behind, eye poke, dropkick knocks Rosey towards Cade. Jindrak kicks Rosey in the corner while Cade shows he's not getting involved. Boot choke. Chad Patten and Mark discuss the legality of this, allowing Cade to choke out Rosey with the tag rope. Jindrak back to the boot choke. Tag to Cade, and stomping. Tag to Jindrak - double boot choke is incredibly innovate or boring. Coach and Al are openly wishing that they're broken up. Al: "I'm not paying you alimony!" Tag to Cade, but Rosey is coming back with punches. Cade misses one and takes an atomic drop. Mild tag to Hurricane, and we have way too much time left in this show. Leaping lariat to Cade. And two. Corner whip, revered, Cade charges into a Hurricane European Uppercut. Hurricane to the second rope - Overcast! Al almost called it. Coach doesn't know the name. Punch for Jindrak on the apron, but Cade works in a knee that sorta came close to hitting. Cade with a whip, head down too soon so Hurricane kicks it. Hurricane charges Cade, and takes a backdrop to the floor, which Coach telegraphs by starting to hype the break. And there it is. (4:50)

Back. Jindrak has Hurricane in a bearhug and Cade is urging him to break him in half. Al calls Hurricane's move a "Blockbuster." Hurricane punching out of the bearhug, but both fall to the mat, Jindrak kneeing Hurricane in the head on the way down. Hurricane tries making the tag, but Jindrak is an alert enough to grab a leg to stop him. Hurricane is pulled to his feet. Back suplex into a Rock Bottom one two no. Jindrak with a stomp. Hurripose! Jindrak knees Hurricane into Cade's corner. Tag to Cade. Jindrak talking trash as he leaves. Cade stomps. Bearhug. Side bearhug. Now it's to the back. Cade gets bored with this moving around and headbutts Hurricane in the back. Corner whip, no back in to the same corner, and oddly chest first. Back suplex makes a lot more sense. Hurricane rolls out of the ring to safety, but unfortunately this isn't lucha rules. Cade distracts Patten while Jindrak stomps Hurricane. Hurricane thrown in before Rosey can do anything about it. Cade covers one two no. Tag to Jindrak. Hold for a kick. Stomp. Suplex. One two Rosey "quick as a cat" breaks it up. Jindrak stomps Hurricane in the back some more. Tag to Cade. Jindrak holds Hurricane down so Cade can give him a knee drop to the back. Has Cade always had the bionic knee brace? I don't remember it. Perhaps this match has killed my brain. Chinlock with knee to the back. I'm staring a hole into the clock. It refuses to move faster. Like Rosey. Hurricane tries elbowing out, but no. Corner whip, no Hurricane is sent back to the corner chest first, which still doesn't make a lick of sense, but Hurricane kips up. Cade slips under, and Hurricane puts on a headscissors. What's supposed to happen here is Hurricane doing a headscissors to turn the match around, except he loses his grip around Cade's head well too soon, falling to the mat too soon, and Cade has to pretend the power of the botched move miraculously drove him into the middle buckle. This is one of those times they really should've tried the spot again and let ending fix it. Hurricane crawling, crawling, crawling for a tag. Tag to Hurricane, tag to Jindrak, Cade holding his jaw the whole time. Clothesline for Jindrak, clothesline, whip, backdrop. Cade in, punch blocked, Rosey hits his own. Whip, reversed, Cade puts his head down too soon and gets run over. Jindrak runs into a slam. Rosey of the ropes, big splash one two NO. Coach: "We haven't seen the likes of a splash like that since, dare I say, King Kong Bundy, Al." Al: "That, or when Bill DeMott used to grace the squared circle." "Well, there was nothing like a DeMott splash." Whip for Jindrak, head down too soon so Jindrak kicks it. Jindrak wanders off and falls to his knees. Cade with a punch that's ducked, and Rosey drops him with something in the full nelson slam family. Jindrak back to forearm Rosey. Whip, reversed, Rosey lifts Jindrak up as his mask falls off (!), Samoan Drop/Hurricane neckbreaker combo. One two Cade breaks it up. The fans boo because they want this over. Or maybe that's just me.  Punch for Cade takes care of him for a moment. Punch for Mark, corner whip, Rosey charges in but Cade pulls Jindrak out of the way. Cade going up as Jindrak rolls out of the way. Top rope elbow connects. Jindrak crawls back over one two NO. Where did Hurricane go? Cade can't believe that was two. Hurricane is down outside the ring, after the devastating move, uh, he gave Jindrak. Coach: "You know, I'm running a marathon in a month and a half, and that's what this feels like." Totally. Double team stomping. Double whip on Rey is reversed to a clothesline for both, but Jindrak ducks his only to charge into another one. Jindrak rolls out, and Rosey gives Cade a spinebuster. Tag to Hurricane, and Rosey sits on the top rope. Hurricane climbing up, and Coach pretends he's never seen this before. Off Rosey's Shoulders Splash one two three (11:40) Al made sure to let me know this is the Falling Star Bomb, so they're surely breaking this team up on Monday! Anyway, We REALLY did not need this, even if Hurricane and Rosey finally got the win. Al makes jokes about how this match would never end.

Coach: "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE"

That's it.