Goldberg is helped out of the Elimination Chamber, with black and white flashbacks to the match. How did he get that gash on the back of his leg? Must’ve been the cage. (:40)

Open

Scott Steiner (Detroit, MI, 275 pounds) vs Mike Knox (Kinser, AZ, 262 pounds, already in the ring)

Coach: “Hello everybody, welcome to Sunday Night Heat. As always, along side my partner Al Snow, I am the RAW Employee of the Month, the Coach!”
[announce shot – it’s still Jonathon Coachman on the chyron. Al is wearing a new Hurricane T-Shirt]
Coach: We are all set for another great week on Heat, but Al, I gotta tell you, after the week I’ve had, I’m feeling pretty good about myself, my friend.
Al: Coach, I have a question, a serious question: what the hell are you thinking? Do you know what you’re doing?
Coach: Oh, Al, relax, you’ll see the light my friend. We’ve got a lot to get to here on Sunday Night Heat.
[back to ring and voice overs]
Al: Well, I’ll tell you, if I’m gonna be seeing any light, it’s gonna be the light at the end of the tunnel, and for you it’s probably going to be a train coming
Coach: What are you talking about?
Al: What am I talking about? Are you insane?!? Have you totally lost your mind?
Coach: Brother, it’s all about opportunity,
Al: I agree
Coach: It’s all about opportunity, that’s exactly what I’m going after here. Eric Bischoff can provide that, Steve Austin can’t and never would.
Al: And…you know, it’s tough to argue with you, I know JR is Stone Cold Steve Austin’s boy, but don’t you have any self respect? You wanna be Bischoff’s boy.
Coach: [evading] We’ll talk about that, but we’ve got a match to call, as JR would say.
[calls match. Test later! Val vs Rico, oh no. Talk about Test/Steiner/Stacy. Al contends that Stacy might be tired “because Test didn’t have her for a couple weeks.”]
Coach: Al, what does it feel like to be sitting next to the RAW Employee of the Month? It’s gotta feel pretty good, kid.
Al: Excuse, I have to wipe a little – you’ve got some brown on your nose.
Coach: It’s been there since birth, kid.
Al: No, it’s something new and it’s a darker shade.
[Coach calls match]
Al: [to himself] RAW Employee of the month..
Coach: And I will say that it’s much-much overdue.
[Back to the match, talking about how Scott will handle not having Stacy there. Tree of Woe inspires Al for a moment.]
Al: …letting all the blood run to the brain. You need some blood in your brain.
[Take a moment for the bicep elbow and pushups. Announcers recap SummerSlam, focusing on the Elimination Chamber match. Coach realizes the end is coming and cuts himself off. Novacaine does it (3:10). Replay of the Novacaine. Coach sets up another Al Stevie Night Exclusive]

Backstage, Al was peacefully enjoying the centerfold of RAW magazine (well, the one with Lita on the cover – so is she the centerfold? Perhaps he’s pointing and saying “thank you for going back to rehab so I can have this job) when the cameraman is hijacked for Steven Richard’s needs. Hey, Steven wears his bandana like Tarzan Boy. Steven cleverly puts the microphone in Al’s hand without him realizing till it’s much too late.
Al: What the hell are you doing, Stevie?
Steven: I’m glad you asked, Al! This is yet another Stevie Night Exclusive with you, Al Stone!
Al: Stevie, I’ve had enough!
Steven: Exactly! You’ve had enough! The fans of Stevie Night Heat have had enough!
Al: Yes, they have
Steven: That’s why I’ve created Must See Stevie!
Al: I know
Steven: And now, on this, this night, this Stevie Night Exclusive, I announce the merger of Stevie Night Heat with StevieCorp!
Al: What the hell is StevieCorp?
Steven: StevieCorp is gonna make higher ratings, StevieCorp is gonna bring more money in, StevieCorp is going to mean more upward mobility for all employees
[Al’s eyes are wandering, perhaps having heard similar speeches in the past. Ivory walks by, and Al makes a ‘please save me’ expression]
Ivory: Hey Al, how you doing
Al: Hi Ivory
Ivory: Oh, hi Stevie, I didn’t see you
Steven: I got to tell you Ivory, I’m so proud of the job you’re doing here on Sunday Night Heat. [Al’s trying to warn Ivory that Steven’s lost his mind]
Ivory: Thank you very much
Steven: But…I know you can go a little bit further [brushes hand on Ivory’s shoulder] with just the right encouragement
Ivory: [laughing with disgust] Oh-kay, you need to stop touching me! That is gross!
Steven: What are you talking about?
Ivory: You are so weird, you are totally wacked, you know what, I [Steven reaches toward her, Ivory recoils] OH! Yeech, germs! I wouldn’t touch you even if I had rubber gloves on, two sets of rubber gloves on! [Al is laughing, when Steven is not looking at him. To Al:] Is he delusional, or what? [to Steven] You are so wacked out, totally wacked out. You think you own this company and stuff, it’s weird! You know, I wouldn’t have anything to do with you even if you were the last man on Earth and the whole human population depended relied making babies or something! Ever! No way!
[Al is enjoying this. Victoria wanders over to the group]
Victoria: Hi Ivory
Ivory: Oh, hi Victoria
Steven: I’m glad you showed up, Flower – she was trying to get in my pants!
Ivory: What? Whatever
Victoria: What do you mean, pants?
[Steven whispers an explanation in Victoria’s ear, while making random thrusting gestures to help illustrate. Victoria goes from nice to psychotic.]
Ivory: Well, I, no-
Victoria: You HUSSY!
Al: [to Steven] but Steven
Steven: No talking, the girls are talking now.
Victoria: Ivory, I’ve heard about you – you are like the village bicycle, and everybody gets a ride! And believe me, my boo is not taking that seat!
Ivory: [taken back by the analogy] Okay…
Victoria: So – [to the quietly arguing Al and Steven] HEY! [to Ivory] If you want me my man, you’re gonna have to have me too!
Al and Steven: HUH? [Al’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull, while Steven has a goofy smile. Ivory’s a bit freaked out. Victoria grabs Steven by the hair and walks them off]
Victoria: Come here, dandelion!
Steven: [far off camera] We’ll show you!
[Ivory is still a bit disturbed. So is Al. They look at each other.]
Al: Look, don’t look at me
Ivory: Whatever
Al: I get this every single week.

So…
Next: Steven Richards and Victoria vs Tommy Dreamer and Ivory

The most underrated part of those bits is how much fun everyone in them seems to be having. It’s a lot of fun to watch people being entertaining and entertaining themselves.

Lugz Shane Elbow Drop Of Sunday

Heat GM Dandelion and Flower vs Ivory and Tommy Dreamer (w/stick) in a mixed tag match – Steven has an “I’m With Flower ---->” sign. Al: “Does she realize that Flower was the skunk in Bambi?” Al was thinking that Victoria meant something other than a match. Al: “I wonder if [Ivory] flew first class or took her broom?” So, why Tommy Dreamer? He has nothing better to do. And also, we see two weeks ago, where Tommy hit his finisher, got a kiss, and still lost the match. Al: “And maybe we’ll see a threeway after all – Ivory, Tommy Dreamer, and that stick.” Tommy lost his hometown and weight to fit in this match, I guess. Ivory and Victoria to start. Lockup, break. Al: [as Beavis?] “Alright! I love watching chicks rassle! Heh.” WMXX. Victoria celebrates WMXX. Lockup. Ivory headlock, Victoria with a back elbow, back elbow, shot in the ropes back, Ivory blocks the hiptoss, knee, Ivory puts her leg over Victoria’s neck which is normally the prelude to the flipout escape. Ivory may have been trying to go for it, but she doesn’t get enough height, so tries switching to a headlock takeover but either doesn’t get a good grip or Victoria doesn’t realize the switch and go with her, so Ivory’s left sitting on the mat by herself. She does think quick enough to immediately turn and do a single leg takedown, but it was pretty apparent something was off. Toe hold, kick to the back of Victoria’s right knee, one two no. Coach actually noticed that it was injured – perhaps the big honking knee brace was his first clue. Suplex by Ivory, one two no. Armbar, Victoria comes back with a knee. Forearm to the back, grabbing Ivory by the hair and tag to Steven. Now, I thought mixed tag means “men vs men and women vs women but not men vs women”, but apparently both Steven and Charles Robinson have a different idea. Either way, Steven puts Ivory in a goozle and marches her around the ring into the corner. Steven with a punch, but Ivory ducks, it, chop, chop, right, right, corner whip but Steven has the ropes. Steven with a right, but Ivory ducks and rolls to her corner for a tag to Tommy. Steven sees him coming, preps, and runs right into a clothesline. Whip, reversed, Steven dropkick but Tommy has the ropes. Elbow drop. Cover? No, he’s calling Ivory. Tommy lifts up Ivory for a big legdrop on Steven. Tommy drops another leg one two no. Whip, Tommy clothesline misses, Steven tries a crossbody. While Tommy decides if he’s going to make the drinky-drink motion, Victoria charges in from behind and clips a leg out. Uh oh, someone’s getting their “Tic-Tac is Gay” sign confiscated. Maybe if the sign police weren’t wearing a bright red cap, it might be subtle. Steven dragging Tommy’s leg onto the bottom rope, tag to Victoria, Victoria slingshot legdrop on the bad left leg. Al: “Let’s not let the boss [Steven] know that you’re goofing around with Eric Bischoff.” Coach: “What’s he going to do? I’m running with the big dogs now, kid.”

I present you the Coach “Guide to Being a Heel”
1) Call everyone “kid”
2) There is no #2.

Tag to Steven. Stomp, pose like Tommy. Tag to Victoria. Oh wow, they’re going to – double yelling suplex! Of course it’s blocked and reversed into a big double suplex by Dreamer. Desperation tag to Ivory, clothesline for Victoria, right for Steven, back elbow for Victoria, ducks Steven’s right and dropkick for Steven. Steven ends up in the corner, and Victoria is whipped into him. They hug. Dreamer back up, so he gets whipped into both of them, squashing them all. Dreamer’s limping from that work on his knee, though. Ivory going up, and Dreamer makes a blind tag while she’s up there – cross body on Victoria. Charles counts – maybe only I saw that tag – one two no. Steven charges right into a Dreamer spinebuster. Victoria jumps on Dreamers back, but Dreamer pulls her over. Dreamer advancing on Victoria to finish her off, but he realizes Steven is back up – Steviekick is caught, and he’s spun right into position for an Ivory bulldog. Ivory lands hard on her side and is quickly rolling out of the ring. Victoria and Dreamer are having a face to face – Victoria’s slap is blocked, kiss again? Ah, being Dreamer, he’s going to piledriver her. Oops, Steven’s back up – Steviekick to the back of the head. Victoria covers one two three! (4:15) Victoria celebrates the big win! That’s how you blow out knees! Victoria’s very happy to have beaten Tommy Dreamer. Molly better be awesome on RAW or Victoria’s gonna steal away her spot in my heart soon.

Tonight: Val Venis vs Rico (and the unnamed women with him)
Next: Coach wants an apology. He gets something blurred

Behind the Scenes: the Rundown. Hey, who is this guy? He looks familiar. The Rock is doing headscissors? Wow. The Rock Bottom makes things explode, I’ll keep that in mind. (:59)

SummerSlam stills of one Shane vs Eric
Al: What a night of surprises. Like this for instance – I’m sitting backstage, I see a chair, connected with Shane McMahon’s back, and the camera pulls back, and I see it’s you!
Coach: It was all about opportunity. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.
Al: Well, you’re taking more than opportunity here, you’re actually assisted Eric Bischoff in kicking Shane McMahon’s ass.
Coach: Over 16,000 fans could not believe what they were seeing. I was loving every bit of it-
Al: Until you saw Stone Cold Steve Austin, co-General Manager come to the ring. Then, you stand there doing the ‘I’m not touching you.”
Coach: But notice this, I did not physically provoke Stone Cold Steve Austin, Eric – Shane McMahon pushed me from behind, and then Stone Cold Steve Austin physically assaulted for no reason whatsoever, as did as did Shane McMahon
[clips of RAW
Al: Coach, that was not a physical assault – that was a ghetto asswhupping!
Coach: Yea, but come Monday Night on RAW, I explained my situation. Take a look at this.
(3:13)

Oh god, Coach has a video.
Monday: Jonathon Coachman vs Jerry “the King” Lawler.
Coach: “Well keep this in mind, I’m not a wrestler, I don’t pretend to be one, but I’m going to show up on RAW tomorrow night and Jerry the King Lawler is going to have his hand full”

Tonight: Val Venis vs Rico
Next: Test. Haha, they’ve got a “Stacy is bored and unhappy to be with Test” video now.

WM Recall: Stone Cold wins at WM XIV, 1998. Hey, whatever happened to that Tyson guy.

Test (280 pounds, w/Stacy Keibler) vs Derek Neikirk (258 pounds, already in the ring)

Coach [as JR]: “Stone Cold! Stone Cold! The Stone Cold era has begun! [as himself] My ass! The Coach Era has begun? What is JR, a therapist for Stone Cold for the last five years?”
Al: “What happened to, ah, Jonathan Coachman?”
Coach: “He’s still here, but he’s seen the light. Eric Bischoff is the light, my friend, he can take you places. Not [JR] Stone Cold Stone Cold!

Stacy looks less than happy to be here, and does not like the slap on the butt. Test stops Stacy from go in the ring – she holds the ropes open for him. Test does the slow trip through the ropes for Stacy, though Stacy is far from digging it. Stacy is not allowed to come in the ring or flash her behind at the crowd, much to everyone’s displeasure. Coach: “But then again, is it disrespecting a woman to shut up, know her place, and just walk out here – I mean think about, maybe more of us should do this, just say, listen ‘keep your mouth shut until your spoken to’, like Test right there ‘get down to ringside and just watch me work’.” That’s a rant that always seemed a little bit underneath the surface. Hey, another “kid”, but I’m sick of quoting. Test strut. Ha, he strutted right into slapping Derek. Test thinks that’s the funniest thing in the world. Derek gets a slap of his own in. Test with a right but it’s wild and high, Derek with a right, right, right, whip, reversed, Test misses a clothesline and Derek hits the fivearm. Derek is pumped up, right, right, corner whip, reversed, Test with a corner clothesline. Corner whip, Test with another corner clothesline. Test is proud of himself, and showing a little leg for Stacy. Stacy is less than amused. Blowing a kiss. Choke on the top rope, Derek’s head is dragged over the top rope. Jumping jacks. Checking for sweat. Test yells at Stacy for her to get on the ring apron – ah, they carried that towel out on purpose, so Stacy could wipe it from Test’s forehead. Test dries his armpits and throws it back in Stacy’s face. Test turns around, and Derek nails him with a dropkick. Running back elbow. Right, right, whip, reversed into a knee. Test sets up for a powerbomb, kisses his bicep, Derek goes up and over for a sunset flip (too far but Test falls backwards into it) one two no. Derek has the same “ELITE” tights as Mike Knox. Derek with a right, right, right, off the ropes, right into the boot. Test with a strut. One two three. (2:33) Test is thrilled with himself. Stacy’s invited up on the apron, in under the middle rope.

Tonight: Rico vs Val Venis
Next: Kane! Walks!

RAW Live! Get it while it lasts!
Monday: Lafayette, LA [RAW]
Friday – Tallahassee, FL
Saturday – Savannah, GA
Sunday – Chattanooga, TN
Next Monday – Huntsville, AL

JVC Highlight Reel Cheap Shot of Monday

Back to the announcers. Al wants to talk about Coach’s match, but Coach says they’ll talk about it later. Setting up this clip-

Chris Jericho and Shane McMahon from RAW. Did they ever ring the bell here? Crowd so into Shane, they’re chanting “RVD” for him. Did Jericho just decide to call it a night? If only Shane had thought to look off camera. Kane shouldn’t have thrown Shane into that black wall, because they way it started to split, it looked even more like a set. It’s funny how Shane and Kane by the exact same cans of gas. Lawler saying “No no no!” when Kane fell in himself was a nice brush with reality. (4:36) No one knows what condition Kane is in, but maybe they’ll find out on Monday

Next: Val Venis vs Rico

So, when they say “everything you think is real turns out to be fake”, do they mean that blurred chick’s breasts? I was going to watch this show (I like crappy TV! You might have noticed), but now that I’ve seen 10 commercials for it in an hour, I dunno.

Rico (Las Vegas, NV, 232 pounds, w/Miss Jackie Gayda) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, 242 pounds) in match 3 of their best of 21 series - Al: “I have no idea, during Tough Enough 2, that Jackie would turn out like this.” Coach wonders how this worked out. Al: “Yea, but her hair looks great.” It does! Coach thinks many things there look great. Rico has quite a fuzzy top hat. Al threatens to beat up Coach. You know, if the plan is to keep having this match till I care, they’re gonna have to do it again. That chick is really getting down to the Val Venis music. OHMYGOD HE’S TAKIN OFF HIS TOWEL. That chick looks as bored as I do – wait, I said that already. Rico blows a kiss. Rico apparently sucks. He’s annoyed, but effeminately so. Lockup, Steele with a headlock. Rico shots him off, no, wait, Rico can’t get Val off. Rico counters by grabbing a piece of Val’s hindquarters. You can punch a man in the face, but grab his butt and there’s heck to pay, letmetellya. For some reason, the ref decides he doesn’t want Val and Rico to fight NOW. Perhaps because he’s in the middle, but that’s no good reason. Al calls that last move “an ass claw.” Rico pulls referee Jack Doan in a waistlock and makes sure it’s snug. Doan gets free, Val moves him out of the way and gets a punch. Forearm, forearm, right. Whip, reversed, Val back elbow. Slam. Off the ropes, knee drop one tow no. Val with punches from the mount. Back to their feet, Val chops, off the ropes, and takes a boot. Rico off the ropes, into a forearm. Val off the ropes, into Rico’s standing spin kick. Isn’t that his finisher? Rico goes to one knee to recover and doesn’t cover. Picking up Rico right, European Uppercut, forearm, short clothesline. Rico to the second rope, axhandle hits! Rico with a double leg hook, covering in a suggestive position one two no. Val with rights, whip, reversed, Rico with a hiptoss one two no. Cover one two no. Val teases, then hits a jumping elbow drop. One two no. He really should use the headbutt to the groin – the way he was holding Val’s legs, I was sure he was gonna do it.

Al: Well, tomorrow, we’ll see if you’re able to kick out with Jerry Lawler
Coach: Yea-
Al: Hey, look, I’m not a big fan of Jerry Lawler, it’s not like I’m going to be his cheering section, I’m just saying, you got a lot going
[Rico’s second try at an clothesline axhandle gets a clothesline. Both down.]
Coach: It wouldn’t have offended me if you maybe could given me a few pointers, but instead you’re just leaving me hanging out to dry, heading into RAW tomorrow night.
Al: Hey, I didn’t make this bed, did I? You didn’t consult me when you ran off with Eric Bischoff, did you?
Coach: No.
Al: No. [Val is making his comeback.
Coach: But I’m not a wrestler-
Al: You’re absolutely right
Coach: - but I’ve got to be ready
Al: And I don’t feel it’s right to put you in this position, but you kinda put yourself into it.

Val with a shoulderblock, then scoop to the shoulders. Rico drops behind before Snake Eyes, off the ropes and into the spinebuster. One two no. Val picks up Rico, but Rico escapes with a spinning kick to the midsection, step over heel kick. One two NO. Rico argues the count. Rico with a right, right, reversed, inverted (?) half nelson slam one two Jackie puts Rico’s boot on the ropes. Val is unhappy and tells her so. Jackie tries to make it good by pushing Rico’s boot off the ropes now. “You owe me one! You owe me one!” Jackie is insistent that she owes nothing, and Rico is up and sneaking – running knee is sidestepped, and Rico is crotched. Val of course bounces the ropes. Blows a kiss for Jackie, back suplex into a powerbomb one two three (5:37)

Al: As much as I hate to admit, I really don’t want to see it – your actions from SummerSlam and last Monday night may be coming back to haunt you last night.
Coach: Well, I’m going to be there and I’m gonna be ready, and I hope JR will be watching ringside with eyes wide open
Al: Man, I wish you the best of luck. I don’t condone your actions, but…
Coach: Okay, we’ll see everyone tomorrow night.