TV 14 DLV entertainment WM19 video package (focus on the top 5 and Limp Bizkit) (:29) open

Live - Seattle, WA, the exterior of Safeco Field where the crowd is still coming in. Looks like the roof is closed. Coach says Sold Out and "over 54,000 fans". Your hosts are Coach (dressed up for the occasion) and Lita (not so much - she's got the WM T-Shirt, that's close.) They've been waiting all year long for tonight's action - hey, here's a countdown. First match mentioned is of course Vince/Hogan. They both look like such morons in those videos. The Rock vs Steve Austin. Is this a difference Limp Bizkit song in the background? Wait, no, they're just playing more of it then I'm used to. Kurt Angle/Brock, HBK/Y2J, Triple H/Booker T, that's the top part of our card. Is Booker ready? Earlier today, Booker was running the steps of Safeco to get ready.

That sends us to our Booker T/Triple H hype video, which is a lot of Booker's backstory piece from 3rd Degree. Here's Triple H not being racist unless you're Michael Cole. Here's Triple H laughing at Goldust but we'll pretend it's Booker. Beatdown on Booker. Triple H beating HBK and Steiner. Triple H on 3rd Degree. Triple H burying WCW and Booker later agreeing. Booker beating Triple H. Flair pumping up Triple H. Triple H expressing doubt. (2:36) Lita says Booker won't doubt himself going into this.

WrestleMania starts early - later tonight, Chief Morely/Lance Storm vs Kane/RVD for the World Tag Team Titles.

WrestleMania Moment: Gennifer Flowers interviews the Rock

Coach can't read the promos right, he's so excited! Or messed up.

48:15...48:10. Coach and Lita talk about being here all week long - ah, it's time for the Axxess video package. Eric almost made me laugh by claiming he could take a 10 year old kid. Cena's rap gets cut off in mid rhyme, what a shame. All the fans love all the people and all the people love all the fans and WHAT THE HECK SHIRT IS COLE WEARING. "It's a lot harder calling matches than I thought with Michael Cole" oooh, oh he's just saying calling matches is hard. Jericho's quite a bit funny. Austin and the Rock interact. Booker ends it with his line. (2:20) Coach is momentarily distracted by women in a crowd shot, but manages to recover in time to get a dig on Michael Cole.

WrestleMania starts early - later tonight, Chief Morely/Lance Storm vs Kane/RVD for the World Tag Team Titles. C&P rules!

But up next, it's the Rap Off! This early? John Cena vs ??? - I guess it's not anything big if they're put it here.

RAW Live
Monday - Seattle, WA
Next Monday - Milwaukee, WI
Next Saturday - Roanoke, VA
Next Next Sunday - Charlottesville, VA (Maven's hometown!)
Next Next Monday - Richmond, VA

Hey, they managed to get in ad for Heat on TNN. Look all these people who are (almost) NEVER on Heat. I wonder if Coach or Lita will mention it, say, 30 seconds before they throw it to JR and the King.

Bob Costas really misses baseball. SO DO I

Crowd seems to be filling up. Earlier today, Ashanti showed up - she'll be singing later, but she actually sees the camera in front of her. "This is exciting, I've never been to a wrestling match, I like Hulk Hogan, time to see something different, going this way." Coach promises to stalk Ashanti as soon as he's done here, which probably won't suit well with the big and tall guy accompanying her. Ah, we awkwardly segue over to "Heat on TNN starting next week!" hype. TNN is now "the official home of the WWE on cable", which is eh.

John Cena has crappy music now. And his microphone doesn't work. There's a cut-out standup in the entrance with him - is that Fabolous? I don't know him if he's not talking about shoes. Actually, there's one guy dressed like Austin Powers and there's another one looking like Mini-Me (and they're both cardboard standups, and I really wish Cena's mic worked so he could explain this to me. Crowd turns on this because we can't hear it, and Coach and Lita start to fill, but someone flips the switch and Cena's mic starts to work.

"Yo, I asked hip for a stiff MC
they said they send me 2,
Fabolous and Jay-Z
But these gangsters didn't want come up
and be on TV
I'm gonna tell all you all
why they wouldn't battle with me
[as Jay-Z] Yo, man, it's Jay-Z, man, I'm fully focused Rocafella, man, I've got my girlfriend, man, I don't need to come to Seattle, I'm the king of New York. 'All I need in this life is me and my girlfriend', Rocafella"
[as Cena] Alright Bonnie, where the hell is Clyde at?
He ducked me like a bitch for a little battle rap!
What do you we me to do man, call out your fiancé?
I'd have a better competition battle rapping with Beyonce!
He's the king of the New York, I'm a kid from the cellar
the only way he stays hard is by rocking another fella! [loud "ooooooooooh"]
Sorry that I didn't have that much time to dis you,
I'm focused on Fabolous, he's my real issue.
[to Fabolous] Dude, you need to stick to doing Reebox commercials
he showed up and tapped out after hearing me in rehearsal!
They didn't arrest you for your guns, it's because your rap sucks
Cops charged him with illegally possessing two nuts!
Trade you throwbacks shirts for a skirt, you little whiner
And hike up your skirt, I can see your man-gina!
Want to black ball me? Well at least I got a ballsack!
If they lived at sperm bank, they couldn't get their comeback! [another loud reaction]
They talk about their ice, and all the girls loving you
the only Bush he's seen is by watching George W.!
I'm a main event playa, these fools in the background
I take over you, and then I take over SmackDown!
They can do a show in their living room and still not sell out
This is the WWE [punches Jay-Z down]
Get the F out!
Yo, it's John Cena, thuganomics, hot as hell
he's just a bad idea, like the X-F-L [the loudest reaction yet - Cena kicks Fabolous away, and is that Coach and Lita laughing softly in the background?]
I main event WrestleMania XX
You see me, you're out of luck
You don't like what I'm saying?
Well I just don't give a fuc-[holds the mic above his head while finishing the rhyme off mic, some of the crowd finishes it for him]

Coach and Lita (and myself and probably a good portion of those who saw this) are impressed, though Lita notes that she's gonna be keeping her distance from Cena for the immediate future to be on the safe side. I don't know that if they actually had the rap battle, if it'd be any better.  That was really good. Moving on, Torrie's in Playboy - Lita liked the shower scene the best, good to know.

Torrie Wilson in Playboy video look back - this sounds like the one on from from SmackDown but I haven't seen it yet. (1:00) Coach hypes that at WrestleMania

Backstage, Tommy Dreamer's trying express the importance of WrestleMania to Nathan Jones - he's proud of Nathan. Nunzio wanders by and bumps into Nathan. Nathan warns him, while Nunzio flashes a wallet he just now found. Nathan is not pleased. The chases is on - around a corner and another they go, with the camera trailing behind. There's the sounds of a beatdown but the camera man's lost track of where they are - not in this bathroom, apparently. We see Nunzio walking away (with the wallet) and muttering about Nathan messing with the wrong people. Turning the corner behind him - yep, it's the Big Show and A-Train. We catch up to Nathan in a shower room, out, with a chair smushed into his back. There were chair shots sounds and such, but we never actually saw the beatdown, in case that becomes important later.

Lugz Women Behaving Badly of Last Monday. 

Trish/Jazz/Victoria highlights the "other" half of the card, apparently. First pinfall wins it - Lita unhappily notes that Victoria's essentially taking her spot in a repeat from the title match of last year, no offense to Coach. Coach brings us back to what we saw before the break - he makes it sound like the match may be off or Nathan may not be involved. Moving on, Angle/Lesnar hype

Here's the same clips we've seen before with better post-production, from the Rumble on. (3:03) ORDER NOW.

Earlier Today, Fred Durst arrived. "I'm ready. I'm a crack addict! I'm addicted to cracking skulls when punks start static. [to cameraman, seemingly in response to something he said] No audio? [quick frame or two of the 20 Years In The Making] You got audio?" SMOOTH.

Arnold! pisses off amateur wrestling fans the world over. Buy the PPV now

Earlier Today, Nasty Nick (and also Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart) arrived. I think I'm supposed to note he has a skateboard.

Here's the graphic. Here's the video package. He's me going trying to fix Cena's rap while it's playing. Ah, here's lots of trial footage. They worked hard on this. I still don't care. Wow, I did spell Fabolous' name right, points for me. I'm blaming missing Jay-Z's obvious mug on the glare they had going on. (2:40) For the second time since we've come back from break, we've gotten a full screen of the countdown clock (16:54) instead of looking at whatever we're supposed to see. Not a good start as far as tech glitches, for sure. Coach and Lita pimp Ashanti's CD - she'll be signing America the Beautiful. Coach and Lita sign off - wow, this is gonna be a long match.

Lance Storm & Chief Morely (473 pounds, w/the Dudley Boyz and Last Monday) vs Rob Van Dam (235 pounds, Battle Creek, MI) and Kane (320 pounds) for the World Tag Team Championship (1st Defense) - It makes me laugh that Morely stills does his Val Venis wrist wiggle thing. Lance and Morely tap their belts to point out "Hey! We have belts!" The Dudleyz are quite a few steps behind, and we don't initially see them. Your announcers for this match are JR and the King, who are dressed up like the Coach. #1 Contenders match and all of that. Crowd is quietly enjoying Morely's entrance music, I guess. They suddenly get quite a bit louder for RVD. JR sneaks in a plug for Heat on TNN during Kane's entrance. There's the graphic, there's JR explaining Regal's non-appearance. Long walk from the entrance to the ring. Champs vacate the ring as Kane and RVD enter it. Storm and Morely are in right after the ringposts alight, and we have begun. Beatdown in opposite corners, but Lance's whip on Kane backfires - double choke throw for him out, in front of the Dudleys. Morely fairs better against RVD as Kane is kept from helping by the referee. Instead, Kane watches as RVD flips over a Morely backdrop attempt and hits a wheel lick. Waiting for Morely to get in place, Rolling Thunder - no Lance pulls our Morely and RVD holds off. He might have thought about diving onto his opponents right there but the Dudleyz provide a buffer, and stare down Kane and RVD. Lance and Sean think of a plan while the Dudleys walk off - and Kane whips RVD into a somersault plancha onto Storm and Morely (and right in front of the Spanish Announcers Desk.) Dudleyz didn't really end up helping there and do nothing while RVD explains his name. Rob wants Kane to do something, Kane is reluctant but what the heck, BIG RED PESCADO! He's pumped - and we take our final break. I knew there had to be another one around here... (1:12)

Pauly Shore is no John Cena

As we return, Storm and Morely are working over RVD. Turnbuckle smash by Morely, who is apparently the legal man, and chops, punches and kicks. Lawler guesses with "54,000" fans. Corner whip, corner clothesline. One two no. Chinlock. Why am I blanking on the referee's name? It's the guy on the RAW side with Brian Hebner's haircut. Jack Doan? Hmm. RVD elbows out, off the ropes and into a sleeper. Quite a stadium feel here. RVD with standard Sleeper reversal, but Morely reverses it to the back suplex into a powerbomb - isn't that his finisher? Apparently not. Going to the second rope - signaling, elbow drop misses but RVD misses. Will RVD make the tag? No, Morely's got his leg, enziguri is ducked but RVD bounces back and hits a kick to the chest to break free. Tag to Kane - clothesline, clothesline, clothesline, clothesline, clothesline! Whip for Morely, backdrop. Lance runs right into a side slam. Big boot for Morely. Calling for it - Goozle on Lance, but Lance elbows out. Off the ropes and runs right into a tilt-a-whirl slam one two no. Dudleyz really just watching outside. Right for Morely on the apron. D-Von and Bubba just yell for him to get up without actually helping. JR can't believe the Dudleyz actually turned. Kane going up - top rope clothesline almost connects before his feet hits the ground! One two Morely breaks it up - RVD top rope kick to take him out. All four in - Kane whips Storm and Morely into each other and clotheslines Storm. Kane whips out Lance into an RVD spin heel kick, then RVD with a monkey flip for Morely. Kane with a clothesline to take out Morely as RVD distracts Lance. Kane's calling for it again - chokeslam. Kane tags in RVD - RVD's going to? Cover? Nah, Kane urges him to go up. They've taken too much time - Morely is over and pushing RVD off the top rope and into barricade chin first! That put the UG in UGLY. Kane socks Morely and is out after him, punching him (a little bit obviously stalling.) Crowd's reacting to something - ah, back in the ring, as Lance peers down at RVD outside the ring, the Dudleyz have found their way in and are setting up - 3D! Referee is checking on Kane and Morely and missed it. D-Von goes out pull in RVD as Bubba seems out it. Now Doan is yelling at D-Von and Bubba still hasn't moved - ah, elbow drop on RVD! Who's side are they on? Lance is put back on top, which probably explains that, one two three. (5:47) The Dudleyz are on the "no title shall change hands on Heat" camp, you see. We waste NO time in throwing it to Austin/Rock bit because we're running late.

Austin and the Rock and we're out (2:19)