Why is this in the middle of a True Life marathon? Why did they air the Apartment Wrestling episode right before this? Why not the Professional Wrestling one? Should I call this "True Life: I am on the edge of being cut from the WWE"?
TV PG LV entertainment - backstage, Goldust checks out his hair in a mirror. Steven Richards wanders over. "I can't believe that I have to wrestle a freak like you tonight. I mean, haha, how in the world did you become one half of the tag team champions?" "What do you know about freaks? Don't you know this year freaks are in and whackos are out? Why don't you take yourself and go back to the ball and chain of a witch and tell her that I'm coming from you? You tell her that hell's comin', and I'm comin' with it! You hear me? I'm coming with it! [Deep breath - turning and walking away before the exhale.] "Where does he get that stuff from?" [BITE noise] "Toy Story, 1993."
Goldust (Hollywood, CA, 260 pounds) vs Steven Richards (Philly, 230 pounds) - would've figured this would be the main event. I must've messed up that tag line because Toy Story was 1995, and that doesn't sound like Toy Story to begin with. Lita asks Coach if he's a freak or a whacko, and you know Coach's response. Oh, your announcers are Lita and Coach - from Lita's viewpoint, we've gone back to the "Eric Bischoff will do whatever it takes to put on a good show, even if it leaves his wrestlers a battered wreck" storyline that they dropped before. She doesn't say it like that, though. No Victoria. Coach says he likes to call Victoria "Steven Richard's alter-ego", because he doesn't believe in making sense. Lockup, Steven breaks - he wants to yell and maybe the Test of Strength (Hi Crash - hey, wait, whatever happened to Crash?) Lockup, Steven pushed in the corner, clean break. Goldust feels himself up and slaps him butt - Steven charges out into a hiptoss. Coach says Allstate was sold out - I'm thinking no. Whip, Goldust's hiptoss is blocked, Steven's hiptoss is blocked, Goldust armdrag works and how about another. Armbar. Crank. Goldust is run back first into the corner, Steven with shoulders. Chop. Goldust turns it around - open hand slaps. Corner whip, reversed into the same corner, Goldust goes in chest first and rebounds into a clothesline. Stomp. Stomp. Headbutt! Sleeper around the top rope, off. Steven with a forearm to knock him down, and a cover one two no. Elbow to the head. Chinlock. Coach busts out "dichotomy" in crediting Steven's rise from jobberdom to not-present Victoria. Crowd VERY LOUD for Goldust. Elbowing out. Off the ropes, into a knee. Chinlock! Always exciting to have two chinlocks, but maybe they just wanted to respond to the fans with a hope spot and weren't ready to keep going. Goldust pounding the mat to try and get loose, which the fans don't really catch on to. Battling back up again. Elbows and rights, off the ropes, duck the clothesline, Steven tries a dropkick but Goldust gets the ropes, Steven hits the mat and Goldust is quickly on him with a jacknife cover (!) one two no. Steven walks right into a big side slam (I guess) and Goldust is down but pounding the mat. They take it up clapping a little better this time, with an even punch battle. Steven manages to hit a few, off the ropes, Goldust clothesline him. Another. Whip, reversed, Steven puts his head down too, Goldust hits the sliding uppercut. Inverted atomic drop, whip, butt bump one two NO! Coach goes - well, I'll let him say: "I go excited with the butt bump!" Goldust setting up for the Curtain Call, Coach pronouces Steven dead, Steven reverses out into the Yelling Suplex (Coach: "SteeVeeTee"), but Goldust re-reverses to the Curtain Call, but Steven flips and lands on his feet - kick to the midsection, SteeVeeTee but Goldust runs him backfirst into the corner. Coach doesn't know the difference between the set up for a double arm DDT and a suplex. Anyway, Goldust starts setting up Steven for the Shattered Drams, but Steven eye pokes out. Chop. Right. Corner whip, Steven charges into the Director's Cut one two three! (4:37) Ah, it's a finisher this week. You know, Goldust won last time too, and the time before that, AND the time before that, so at least Steven still has room to improve. The finishers go Curtain Call, Director's Cut, Curtain Call, Director's Cut for those looking for patterns or meaning in all of this. (God bless you if you are.)
Still to come, Christian vs Maven. But next, 3 Minute Warning.
Nathan Jones vignette. (:27)
3 Minute Warning (734 pounds) vs Ken Anderson and Andy Sealen (432 pounds, already in the ring, w/Last Monday) - Well I don't know what Ken and Andy did but this is 3MW stuff. I'm not doing this unless they explain where Rico is. Oh, let's be real, I'm not doing this either way. I mean, these guys are local guys - and by local this time I mean "close to ME" - but I like to stay consistent by ignoring all "3MW squash random people (3rd in a series of many)" matches. Everyone's got the non-Ken guy as "Dino Bambino" (there's a .com site that doesn't actually work and an older one out there) but that's certainly not the name Fink and Lita are using. Sealen's my sounds like guess, but I'm sure it's spelled different. The guy on my TV looks the same as the guy in the pic, so put two and two together. Lita one ups Coach by working in "tumultuous" (a personal favorite of mine) but Coach doesn't seem to notice. Nice double dropkick but it works notta. Ken's website is nice looking - better than Dino's - but it hasn't been updated since October so what's the point. Speaking of what's the point, Jamal hits the press Samoan Drop for the pin on Ken (3:17) because they're not even bothering with the splash. Oh, wait, Rosie first will use a move that looks an awful lot like D'Lo's Sudden impact on Andy. 3MW set them up on the ground in opposite corners, and hit running corner smashes. Thrown out. Are they down? Neither side got much in the way of non clubbering offense, so you didn't miss much. They never did explain where Rico was.
Coming up later, Maven vs Christian. But next, Chris explains this entire situation.
WWE Far East Tour. Christian Christian (:56) they don't show them singing the whole song, which was the best part of Confidential (though the 'wow' part was seeing that Jamie got a clear majority - not just a plurality - of the votes.)
Jericho, Stacy, Test. You know, the great thing about this is apparently Stacy got hit flush in the face with a chair, but suffered absolutely no bruises, bumps, or cuts. She must have really tough skin. Black and white replays to make it more dramatic. It doesn't really work! I wonder if Stacy has AMNESIA! Maybe they'll call off the wedding! At least it wasn't a trash can this time. Ah, fast forward button, my friend. (5:19)
Next on Heat - hey, that's what happened to Rico, he's facing Spike Dudley.
JVC welcome to the WWE of Monday
Rico (Las Vegas, NV, 233 pounds) vs Spike Dudley (150 pounds, w/Last Monday) - Coach is singing it again. Coach and Lita felt that was an appropriate welcome, so I guess Dreamer didn't turn heel. Hey, this was sorta set up Monday, as they show. Rico has awful shiny pants. Lockup, Spike thrown down. Lockup. Spike with an armdrag, inside cradle one two no. Dropkick, Rico rolls out to take a break. Is Spike going to dive? I guess not. BZZZZ RAW Magazine fly by! That's a big graphic. Lockup, Rico with a side headlock, Spike shoots him but Rico holds on by Spike's hair. Hebner gives him a five count to break, Spike tries to get on him but Hebner's in his way. Rico mocks Spike, Hebner gets on him. Circle. Lockup. Headlock, shot no Spike has Steven by his sideburns, and Hebner doesn't like that either. "What do you call them, lamb chops?" Spike with a headlock, Rico tries to power out of it but Spike takes him down. Rico pushes him in the corner, corner whip, reversed, Rico slides short but runs into a limp looking back elbow kinda thing. Headlock takedown. Rico with a legscissors reversal, break. Repeat. Spike goes for something or other but Rico pulls away and Spike goes down. Rico with an elbow drop but no one's home. Spike with another headlock but again pushed in the corner. Break again. Rico with a right hand. Rico tires to follow up but gets an elbow and forearms. Corner whip, reversed and Spike goes down. Rico checks for lint. Stomping. Whip, flapjack into a quick shoulder powerslam! He's very proud of that - one two no. Suplex is blocked, Spike with a backslide one two no. Rico with a spinning heel kick the gut, and there's the step over mule kick that's always nice. Coach and Lita talk their way around saying "expect John and Matt to get the crap beaten out of them on a regular basis like Monday [because we're still not over Jackie Gayda and we've got to take it out on someone]" except the part in brackets is probably not storyline. Forearms in the corner by Rico, followed by a kick, followed by the jumping kick but Spike catches him and a powerbomb. Coach: "I don't want to make you mad." [pause] Lita (somewhat sarcastically) "Hahaha." I have no idea what's going on there, but in the match, Rico with a whip but Spike manages a 'rana. Rico out, Spike going all the way up - top rope plancha. Replay as Spike throws Rico back in. Rico off the ropes, over, into an inverted atomic drop and clothesline combo. One tow no. Corner whip, reversed, Spike hits the charging headbutt to the gut. Dudley Dog no it's pushed off before it gets going, Spike bounce off the ropes, ducks the spin kick, and there's the forward roll cradle one two three (5:06) Coach notes that Rico just couldn't get out. Lita: "He was pinned down, for at least three seconds." You know, the Spike routine match is getting up there in boredom level.
Coming up, "highlights" from the RAW main event.
Sean O'Haire's Anti-Adultery PSA. I want to be in one of 'em all white rooms one day. They always look so cool. (:30)
Your announcers still aren't talking about the O'Haire vignettes, so he must still be a ways off? They are talking about Raw's main event, so...
RAW tag team match. (2:02) Someone should make a list of all the #1 Contender/Title Shots matches Jericho's lost in the last 11 months. It seems like big list.
Next - Christian vs Maven.
Starburst Diva Chicago Street Fight of Monday - they don't get Trish's expression change, which was the best part.
Christian (WWE Anthology, T dot O, 225 pounds) vs Maven (Charlottesville, Virginia, 235 pounds) - Coach remembers it was Trish AND Bubba who put Jazz out of action, I guess we wait and see if Jazz remembers all of that and her partner too. Coach says Christian might be one of Maven's stiffest challenges to date, and I'm waiting for him to say "because last time they met, Maven broke his leg" but no. Circle. Crowd gets on Christian, and Maven eggs them on. Christian wants to get this on. Lockup, armbar by Christian, pulling him into a side headlock, Maven turning out into reversal and flipping Christian to the mat, shortening it up. Christian up, so Maven changes it into a hammerlock. Christian elbows out. Christian elbows out, Maven waves him by, but Christian holds on to the ropes and lands on the apron. Maven is thought he got him totally gone, so is slow to notice Christian standing there on the apron right is ducked, Christen catches him facing the wrong way and snaps his neck over the top rope as he drops to the floor. It's a reverse rope snap DDT, I guess. Christian checks his arm as he comes in (armbar damage, of course), then gets to stomping. "WHO SUCKS NOW?" Crowd: "YOU" Reverse neckbreaker. One two no. Holding him down with a knee pressed into the back of the neck, now adding an armbar. Stomp. Maven back with a rights. Coach is making his own matches up. Christian with a forearm, snap mare, surfboard. You know this was pretaped sometime before this weekend when Lita wonders if Coach's proposed RAW guest referee President George W. Bush might be too busy to show up on RAW for Coach, and Coach is sure he's not. As Lita and Coach discuss what signs Bush is going to be bringing to his front row seat tomorrow (in their minds), Maven is up and elbowing out. Piledriver? No, Christian backdrops out, but Maven kicks him way. Maven small package one two no. Christian with a kick, reverse DDT neckbreaker one two no. Choke on the middle rope. Knee choke on the rope. Christian charges him while Maven's still on the ropes, but Maven moves out of the way. Coach says, in other words, "if Stone Cold comes back, it'll be the Old Stone Cold of 98-99". Christian with a whip, Maven with a jumping forearm. Maven off the ropes, shoulderblock. He's pumped. Right misses, Christian goes for the Slop Drop, Maven turns around and shoves Christian back first in the corner. Maven backs up, charges right into a boot. Christian going for the Unprettier but Maven reverses to a backslide one two NO. Crowd was counting along there. Corner whip, Maven charges in, no one's home but he stops in time, Christian is out of it and hasn't noticed - Maven with a second rope bulldog one two th-NO! Maven can't believe it. Maven loads up Christian for a running powerslam, but Christian slips down - Slop Drop one two NO! Christian can't believe it - fans thought that might be it. Corner whip, reveres, Maven charges into a back elbow. Christian out of it and slow to follow up - going up but Maven easily catches him in time with a right hand. Maven going up with him, now setting himself up for a Christian move? Oh, off the second rope backdrop, that's nice. Going to the top rope - missile dropkick one two thr-NO! And here I was about to say that Josh would've had name for that move already but I guess it's not really Maven's finisher. Maven can't believe that's not three. Now he's picking up Christian by the leg, dropping it, right hand is ducked and Christian grabs him - Unprettier. One two three. (5:57) Lita sneaks in the appropriate TLC reference to crack me up. Number of slides under leapfrogs Maven attempted - zero.
#1 Contenders Match on Monday - Steiner d. Jericho! That's it.