For the record: TAKA and Funaki got a 2.2 rating. Mick Foley got a 1.3 rating. I think someone owes someones an apology.
To Those Concerned: I hate this Saturn angle. BUT, this is the only paragraph I'll complain about it the whole show. I just want you to know that I really really really dislike it. It's dumb to me as your normal wrestling viewer (it's supposed to be comedy and I agree with the desire to put more comedy back in the product, but it's not actually funny to me), it's annoying to me as a guy who's favorite's don't get a millionth of the same treatment (Saturn's getting pushed down everyone's throat before the fans even decide if they like it or not - Kaientai have their own stuff and they don't get anything) and it seems really insulting to the wrestlers themselves (concussions = talking funny.) This is how I feel and I'm not trying to change your mind, I'm just trying to get negative out of the way in one nice bunch. Thank you.
We're a week away from PPV, we're in NY, we're in WWFNY and it's happy Father's Day. Your announcers are Tazz and Michael Cole. Tazz forget to call his father, so he says happy Father's Day. Perry Saturn and Terri aren't here. KOTR Brackets later! They actually figured them out!
X-Factor (w/Albert) vs APA - Let's talk about Albert and Kane. Hey, you can still see Grandmaster Sexay in X-Factor's video! APA do stuff for money, we are reminded. Later on, Dudley Boyz! Light Heavyweight Title! KOTR Brackets! Maybe Saturn and Terri. Okay, who's gonna start? I guess Bradshaw, though he's too busy staring at Albert. And Justin. Bradshaw runs Justin in the corner, knee, headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. I can type it faster than it can happen! Whip, back elbow. Forearm to the back. Slam. Elbow drop. Off the ropes, elbow drop comes up empty. Justin takes aim - dropkick. Bradshaw out and right back in - running shoulderblock to take him down. Picking him up by the head, tag to Faarooq so he can lay a beating down. Back suplex - whoa, Justin landed right on his neck. He got crazy rotation on that move. One two X-Pac breaks it up. Whip, powerslam one handed cover, one two kickout. Whip, head down too soon and Justin slams it into the mat. Tag to X-Pac, kick for him. Forearm, forearm, whip, clothesline misses, X-Pac's heel kick doesn't. Karate pose, cover one two big kickout. Chop, corner whip, reversed, rebound into a backbreaker cover one two kickout. Rammed into Bradshaw's boot, and a tag. Double whip, double shoulderblock, elbow drop by Faarooq one two. These guys are keeping this moving. Turnbuckle smash. Knee, forearm, chop, knee, right. Tag to Faarooq, face smash into the boot. Oh, I guess it wasn't a tag. Turnbuckle smash, corner whip, charge but X-Pac wins and then hits his the corner kick combo. More kicks because Bradshaw doesn't fall into the right position and tag to Justin. Justin hits punches but that doesn't work - short clothesline takes him down. Tag to to Faarooq, big kick. Corner whip, Justin moves out of the way - SUPERKICK! one two shoulder up. Off the ropes and right into the spine buster. Tag to Bradshaw, tag to X-Pac, big boot. Whip, X-Pac ducks the clothesline, cross body, Bradshaw catches him, blockbuster suplex. Justin gets a shoulder tackle. Bradshaw goes for a powerbomb on Justin but X-Pac forearms him in the back and Justin backdrops out. That brings in Faarooq to eject X-Pac from the ring, and Justin gets a big boot in the mean time. Bradshaw has Justin set up - powerbomb! Albert's in - Baldo Bomb. X-Pac jumps on for the cover one two three! (4:42) X-Pac wasn't legal Justin better roll out of there before Faarooq kills him - ah, X-Factor is safe at home with another victory.
Look at Terri, oh, wait, look at the ring, no back to Terri and Perry and Terri's walking and talking to Perry, hoping that the last few days have allowed him to recover but Perry stopped listening a long time ago and wandered off on his own.
JVC WCW Sighting From Smackdown
Stacy is a tomato. I'm not down with the hip lingo. This week, right after Smackdown, Tough Enough premiers with it's casting special. See the wacky freaky people! Here are some clips to get you to watch the show Thursday. These seem like a lot of the same stuff we saw before. Hey, there's the final 13. Triple H has a potty mouth. One man and one women get a job - I thought it was just one person before. Hey, I think I saw a quote in a release saying there would be one winner decided on the final live episode. (1:22) Anyway, special sneak preview for WWFNY people on Tuesday.
Meanwhile, Saturn's loose on the streets of New York! "Excuse me, where's Times Square?" "Times Square? Octagon's don't fit in circles because rectangles are made out of cheese!" "What?" "You're welcome." You'd think they know where Times Square is, seeing as they're wearing about $80 worth of WWF merchandise.
I'm not sure I believe there's nothing wrong with you.
Oh no, the All Star Wrestling Fantasy Camp ads have made it to Heat! I thought they were confined to Raw. Man, I could train with Disorderly Conduct! Crowbar! Stevie Ray! Iron Sheik, Tanvir! Lou Thesz! (Lou Thesz?) I guess Roddy Piper was a late addition - I don't know why they have Jimmy Hart talking over Gene Okerland like that. Or maybe someone else was supposed to be there and they had to hide it. Anyway, September 1 and 2, Allstate Arena, 10 rings, over 50 wrestlers, and maybe I'll get the phone number next time.
Oh, what the heck, here's the list they scroll down the side, as best I can tell: the Nasty Boys, Bruno San Martino (sic), "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, Jake "the Snake" Roberts, Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, "Mad Dog" Vachon, Tito Santana, the Bushwhackers, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, "Mr. USA" Tony Atlas, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Ken Patera, "Cowboy" Bob Orton, Earthquake, Typhoon, "Jumpin" Jim Brunzell, One Man Gang, Disorderly Conduct, "Honky Tonk Man", Bob Luce, Nick Bockwinkel, Harley Race, Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, Terry Taylor, Lou Thesz, Verne Gagne, Paul Orndorf, "Killer" Kowalski, Crowbar, Barbarian, the Road Warriors, Uadussa (sic - Medusa?), Stevie Ray, Vampiro, "Krusher" Kowalski and then the big picture of Roddy Piper covers up Gene and the list. Jimmy Hart, Bobby Heenan and Jim Duggan are mentioned in other graphics. By my count, that's 46 - I'd guess on more WCW castoffs or Hogan era WWF guys to round out the list. Now, if you're like me, you're wondering two things - one, what's the big con going on, because with these names, you kinda have to expect one (no price is ever mentioned) and two, why isn't Hogan's name here? Maybe Gene said it and they covered it up. The phone number is 1-800-787-7000.
Saturn is working at the Gap! "How much?" "3,675 tomatoes." "Huh?" "Tomatoes? Tomatos?" "Excuse me sir, you're not supposed to be back here." "New York is on the East Coast because canaries are yellow! You're Welcome!" and he takes off.
Bull Buchanan & Goodfather (w/Last Monday) vs the Dudley Boyz - Commentators say that RTC wouldn't approve of that kiss from Monday night. I don't think they would approve of the Bra & Panties match last week, but they don't seem to be stopping things like they used to. Cole and Tazz sing the "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" song! D-Von and Bull are going start off. Neither RTC man has a tie! They've really lost it. Lock up. Armbar, twist, push into the ropes, right misses and D-Von hits his own. Whip, reverses, clothesline misses, diving shoulderblock hits. Armbar, tag to Bubba, shot to the arm. Armbar, shot to the arm, shot to the arm, wrap around the arms. Tazz is off this week. Corner whip , charge in misses. Taking to Goodfather. Right right, armbar, side kicks is blocked, Bubba hits a kick, snap suplex. Tag to D-Von. Turnbuckle stomp, double corner, whip, D-Von's whipped and whips D-Von right into Bubba's side slam. Bubba covers one Bubba realizes he's not legal (the ref does not) D-Von covers one two kickout. According to Tazz, Bubba used to be a body builder back in Dudleyville. Right right right right , off the ropes no Bull pulls them down and D-Von falls out. Stomping on the floor. Bull throws D-Von back in, whip, off the ropes and flying forearm from Goodfather. Cover one two kickout. Tag to Bull, whip, kick by Goodfather, bicycle kick by Bull. Wasn't that his move? I guess not, because he doesn't cover. Side back breaker. Off the ropes, elbow drop. Off the ropes, elbow drop. Off the ropes, leg drop! Cover one two kickout. Tag to Goodfather, double whip, double shoulderblock. Back suplex. One two shoulder up. Bubba gets the fans back in it - whip, head down too soon, Good father up with a clothesline. D-Von ducks, off the ropes diving clothesline. Race to the tag, tag to Bubba. Clothesline, clothesline, right for Bull, ducking under Goodfather's clothesline and hitting a high angle back suplex one two Bull breaks it up. Now everyone in - now Goodfather leveraged out. Slam by Bubba and D-Von's going up, Bubba's not sued to going from that corner, maybe - WHAT ARE YOU DOING D-VON GET THE TABLES but then Bubba goes to help anyway and Goodfather takes them both out with punches. D-Von thrown back in while Bubba and bull fight on the outside. Bull into the steps. Corner whip by Goodfather - Morality Train but no one home - 3D! D-Von covers One Two Three (5:56) Hey, D-Von wasn't legal! That kinda defeats the point of that earlier thing.
Saturn's sharing a sandwich with a guy on street. I think he's supposed to be homeless, but he's got an ID tag like he's an usher. "Hey man, Party time, I got some food!" Terri finally tracks him down. "Perry, what are you doing? What are you doing?" I think Terri just saw the last match. "The Statue of Liberty has long legs because it carries a torch! You're welcome!" "You're welcome!"
Hey, Mick says the same line he said on Heat last week in his book commercial. No one cares.
Classic King of the Ring Moment, '96 - Austin 3:16.
That leads nicely to talk about this year's KOTR and it's main event. Insert video package, which allows me to catch some of Baseball Tonight. Thank you Heat producers! Why couldn't the White Sox help us out? Aww, commercial break. (~2:00) KOTR is a week away on PPV. A triple threat match doesn't work in favor of the champion. Oh, what, Saturn's founded the commentators. "Hi, JR! How are you JR!" Perry reads the sponsorship card. "Heat is sponsored by JR's Barbecue Sauce, because elephants don't eat spare ribs!" Terri shows up, so he opens up an umbrella and twirls it away. There he goes walking off.
Combos Poor Choice Of Words From Monday
You know, if my family was being stalked, I wouldn't really be happy if they insisted on replaying the videos over and over again. (~2:00)
Jeff Hardy (w/no one) vs TAKA Michinoku (w/Funaki and flags) for the Light Heavyweight Title - Jeff is gonna have a big week - qualifier coming up later this week. Champion gets introduced first so TAKA can talk to him. "Your minutes as WWF LH champion are numbered! Through the powers vested in me by Thor, all powerful prairie dog, prepare to die! Though you may now be a champion, I should always be EEEEEEEEVIL. HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA" "inDEED" TAKA's so powerful, he can look to be calmly handing the microphone to Funaki, but still really be laughing it up. There's some words in there I missed but you give it five tries and then you just sigh. Did TAKA do the guns pose? Commentators wonder how Jerry Lynn must feel about this match, having beat TAKA on Jakked yesterday yet still waiting for the return match - wait, that's a lie. Circle, headlock by TAKA, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Celebration, off the ropes, no TAKA stops him with a palm shot. Charge towards Jeff and Jeff backdrops him out of the ring. Funaki up on the apron, Jeff slides out between his legs and drops him chin first on the apron. Barricade run into the clothesline on TAKA. Jeff's on fire and now he's dancing which isn't so good. Stomp, wild throw back in. Cole sets up a Double Feature that never comes up. Kick, Corner whip, reverses, kip up, TAKA gets a dropkick to the back. TAKA outside, Jeff chases, TAKA back in, Jeff gets caught and thrown into the guardrail by Funaki. Thrown back in and a dropkick to the face kills him dead. Stomp. Stomp. This match is a lot like the main event of KOTR. Okay, that's what they said. Exchange of open hand slaps, Jeff winning. Three Stooges Eye Poke and windup punch by TAKA! Cover one two kickout. Ching lock (hahaha funny typos) with a face rake! Double boot rake. That's a shout out to Eddie. Stomp but Jeff's getting to his feet. Kick, choke on the ropes. Guillotine legdrop over the second rope! TAKA back in, whip, reversed, duck under the clothesline and hits the spinning heel kick. TAKA's sure yelling a lot today. Split legged jawbreaker. Exchange of punches and Jeff wins that one - whip, backdrop. Double leg take down, double legdrop to the midsection. Charge into the corner but TAKA moves out of the way. TAKA charges in but Jeff catches him with a kick, then blocks Funaki's punch and hits one of his own - noggin knocker! TAKA falls right into position - Swanton Bomb one two three. (3:35) Jeff Hardy retains, the Hardy Boyz roll on. Tazz is mad that Lita didn't come out, Cole defends by saying Lita is Matt's girlfriend and only comes out with him but I was sure I saw her when Jeff beat whatshisname for the LH Title a week ago so Cole's full of crap.
Hey, if you stay for just one more commercial break, they'll give you the brackets. But Perry has something to say! "Tazz, tell JR to be quiet!" He's hugging random people in front of the stage. I can't make out what he says to the first girl, and then "Kangarro's jumpe over horses becaue the moon's too high." "Really?" "You're welcome." "Turtles swim in water because their shells walk." "[yell]!" "You're welcome. Terri is over (I just realized that's supposed to be a She Devil symbol on her shirt) - he has to get ready - at least they can finish the show together. "The she devil is pink because she drinks orange juice! You're welcome" Perry doesn't seem to want to go the way Terri wants to, though.
Hey, it's the King of the Ring Brackets and ASCII art.
Kurt Angle
|-------
Jeff Hardy |
|------
Big Show-| | |
|------- |
Christian| |
|-------
Rhyno----| |
|------- |
Tajiri---| | |
|-------
Saturn---| |
|-------
Edge-----|
Hey, I was one for four on guessing them. Snap judgment is King Edge but I'll change my mind in a few minutes.
Cue Saturn's music. Tazz asks to turn off Perry's mic. Terri starts to say something, but Saturn walks off any again. "Hey guys! You know, I just want to say that we finnaly made it here together, believe it or now, we're here. The city is so incredible, it's so easy to be distracted here, so you can imagine how Perry got distracted, with a few knocks to the head. Hopefully, we'll make it through this and we'll make it through the quarter finals and you could be looking at King Perry. Which I kinda like a lot. So with that being said, I just want to say, I want to apologize for us getting her a little tardy AAAAAAH" That's Saturn picking her up and spinning her around. " You know what -can you jsut say antyhing to the people - something?" "Watermelon have lips so they can kiss froggies. You're welcome!" Saturn kisses her navel, spins her around, and they walk off. I think we're done. Hype for Monday - ooh, we're ending early for once. See you on RAW.