TANVIRíS ALMOST END OF 2006 YEAR IN FUCKINí RIDICULOUS REVIEW
by Tanvir Raquib
Itís almost 2007. I am now 25.5 years old and god damn, I feel old and almost dying. A bad back, an aching sense of godliness and a desire to sing that Kajagoogoo song has led me to the end of the year wondering, "damn, what the fuck happened?" Instead of waiting for the Time Magazine version of what went down this year, I plan on covering ALL of the major moments of the year. Why, you ask? Because I feel like it. Also, I like fulfilled my tainted ego by writing things for the internet denizens. Wrote a YEAR IN REVIEW a few years ago that, like, four of you read. I intend on having maybe two of you read this in full by making this as unreadable as possible. Do you think I can do it?
I surely hope so.
KEVIN FEDERLINE AND BRITNEY SPEARS BREAK UP
I like Britney Spears in the sense that I like trashy dirtbag whores that I have to ignore on the fucking R train on the way to work. There is a place for her and all dirty, trashy whores in the world. And she deserves some sanity in her life. Kevin Federline is a hell of a guy. The guy fucked this whore and got her pregnant twice- all while probably snorting a lot of coke, fucking a lot of bitches and spending all of her money on the aforementioned as well as other mindboggling activities that guys typing things for the internet wouldnít be able to understand. Itís a shock that the marriage lasted so long, but hey, true love prevails. I guess the love wasnít as strong as some people might have thought. Yeah!
THE IRON SHEIK: INTERNET PHENOMENON
A 1971 AAU Gold Medalist, WWF Heavyweight Champion, WWF Tag Team Champion, and, most importantly, the winner of the Gimmick Battle Royal at Wrestlemania Whatever-Year-It-Was became more relevant than ever as an internet celebrity due to a clip of his hilarious rant on B. Brain Blair, as well as other rants on such luminaries as Hulk Hogan, Dan "Maloney" Mirade, "medicine men" and Wendy Richter. Heís been heralded by such ESPN "cool journalists" (douchebags?) like Bill Simmons and Dan Le Batard. I think the ball really got rolling during the 2005 Hall of Fame induction ceremony as his insanity was exposed to a lotta people and then when the Youtube clips start making their rounds, people realized heís really nuts and, well, heís become the alternative to Hulk Hogan as the old wrestler dude that people find humorous. Before ending this, Iíve gotta say that Sheikís idol is Gholamreza Takhti. Iím just putting the Takhti reference in for Google search purposes only, but itís true.
STILL NO 9/11 MEMORIAL
All we *still* have left is a hole in the ground. Ray Nagin was right!
KINGDOM COME: MIDDLE AGE CRISIS
Jay-Z puts out his new album and itís okay and shit, but heís got songs dissing younger people, his voice sounds effeminate at times, there are no true summer anthems like his other albums and he has some truly horrible songs with the likes of Usher and his main hoe Beyonce. Itís gonna sell like 10 million records, but it doesnít stop me from saying this should be strictly downloaded, not bought. And whatís up with these cats buying from iTunes? Download Soulseek, you faggot.
METH IS A REALLY BIG PROBLEM, GUYS
So, like, Dog the Bounty Hunter goes after methheads, A&E has Intervention and, um, those billboards and commercials are pretty scary. Whatís up with these people putting that shit in their veins and willingly letting their teeth rot? Some PETA member would probably advocate the destruction of the human race as retribution for murdering chickens and dogs and foxes and whatever other animals they protest in the name of Ė but I tend to think it all boils down that people were fucking idiots back in the day and theyíre always going to be. Shocking stuff, I know!
BORAT: OVERHYPED KAZAKH
Youíre a Jew who does idiotic characters like the faggot limo driver in the Madonna video who has his own HBO show and these awkward Kazakh who roams through America in search of whatever it is that heís there to find. Then you make a movie about the Kazakh character and make millions! Your movie has been called the funniest movie of the century before the public has even gotten the chance to view it! I think the humor is there, but in 15 years, are OUR kids [well, maybe YOUR kids, ha ha] going to find the movie funny? Or are they going to scratch their heads and wonder what the big deal was Ė like when I watched the first ten minutes of This is Spinal Tap? All I know is that itís funny but I laughed more at Harold and Kumar and Jackass 2. Yeah, I liked Van Wilder more. Thereís certainly something wrong with me, but I didnít agree to wrestle with a 420 pound man on a hotel bed either.
THAT GUY FROM NíSYNC SAID HE LIKES PENISES
No, really, he did.
SURI CRUISE: PRINCESS OF VOODOO KIN MAFIA
I donít know what is up with Scientology. It seems really fucked up and stuff. And Tom Cruise, heís kind of a homo. He might sue me for saying that, but I hope not. But yeah, heís kind of a homo. To think there is a product from Cruise inserting his penis into Katie Holmesí possibly damp twat is kind of repulsive. And that is what this child is. She might as well be the antichrist. Or a retarded Korean orphan!
THE AWESOMENESS OF SMACKDOWN
Iíll be honest: I watch Raw most weeks, but itís out of force of habit. You see, Monday nights have always been about wrestling for me, mostly of the underwhelming kind. Iíve been conditioned to expect it. But whatever. However, Iíve been watching more Smackdown this year and thereís been so much awesome shit that I figure that maybe I can write like 500 words [or substantially less!!!!] on this subject, because originally, I was just gonna rant about Fit FinlayÖand then I was gonna rant about King Booker, but fuck it, itís time to appreciate ALL of the show Ė everyone from top to bottom, from the good wrestlers to the horrible wrestlers are doing their jobs to a fucking tee. Boogeyman spits worms on people like that Kristal Marshall. Jillian Hall took the mole off and is still ugly. JBL went from a great heel promo and carriable upper card heel to the best color commentator in wrestling. Fuck outta here with this Don West nonsense. I enjoy all of the ridiculous remarks that JBL makes because he doesnít pander to internet marks or casual fans, he sounds like heís doing it for his own personal enjoyment, which is kinda what I liked when I heard Kevin Nash call matches. He hates the Miz! And Simon Dean! And Vito!!! Actually, I dislike Vito, but he gets people interested in his skirt deal and itís not supposed to be, like, serious. Wrestling is fucking fake. Did you have to attempt to defend the likes of Papa Shango growing up? I mean, I mightíve. To most kids, wrestling is some stupid fake shit. So a whole generation of wrestling fans grows up disillusioned with this product that is obviously a carny act and now, some of them get all indignant when some "business exposing" appears. Man, please. If something is over, go with it. Iím 25 and Iím not acting like I grew up on Midsouth Wrestling or anything, so maybe the idiot elements of the show just donít bother me much. Even still, Bill Watts booked fucking Kamala in the early 80s. KAMALA. Rey Mysterio is still a great talent and as far as selling and making his moves and bumps mean something, he is awesome to watch. Dude is a legend in this game. Because of him, guys like one-move-midget Petey Williams and one of the worst promos out there, Christopher Daniels, have high profile positions in shitty TNA. Chris Benoit had a great match with Ken Kennedy. KENNEDY, of all people. Never underestimate Benoit. Heís a guy that should always have a job in wrestling because he works really hard and can make anybody look like a world-beater. Kennedy looks weird, but he can cut a promo. Taker is old. KING BOOKER is the king of all wrestling. Heís certainly an amazing story as a guy in his early 40s headlining shows and doing some of the best promo stuff in his career. Sharmell is a great second. Sheís black, sassy and does that wavy cup hand thing. Booker can still wrestle, but I never want to see him wrestle Batista. Michael Cole is what he is. A nice guy. Lashley is a big black man. He does some cool moves. He should never talk. Chavoís heel work has always been fun to watch going back to 2004. All his stuff now has been fine, itís just that the angle and with Eddieís wife around, itís kinda odd to get into it. London and Kendrick wear masks and have good matches with the likes of the Pitbulls and Teacherís Pets. One thing that bugs me is that thereís like no clear cut reason as to why they wear the masks. Was Paul London molested as a child? GIVE ME A REASON!!! No, I donít take this seriously. Kasey James is awesome.
JOE VERSUS THE WORLD
REPUBLICANS TOPPLED, NOW WHAT?
Bush cronies are now replaced and people are expecting changes. I donít see gay marriage in the future, but as long as the abortions are still legal, itís all good. If some whore wants to rid something out of her crotch, then she should have the right to. Makes sense!
Iím sure there are many things that Iím missing, but someone else will fill the rest out for me. Check out for more of my substandard musings sometime next year! Itís been a wonderful 2006 and I fully expect to be alive until 2055 when Iíll hopefully be living off the lackluster social security check and fighting a move into a hospice where Jamaican nurses beat the elderly in order to shut their asses up. Thereís just SO MUCH to live for!!! You know it.