Raquib's 2004 Year in Somewhat Review
Hi. It's been a long time since I met you with a dope beat to step to. Like hmmph two years or so? What have I done since then? Waaaaay too much and waaaay too little. But hey, like most people from the IWP scene from back in tha day [two years ago?!] - I'm still living at home with my parents. No rent, holla. So what's the purpose of this little column? Well, I just want to talk about the wrestling. All of this wrestling shit and maybe I'll make sense of some of it for my long-time fans, which pretty much includes myself and some lowly alcoholic named Josh Haggard who is probably carousing through the streets with other luminaries like Scott Mailman and Herb Kunze and Boon. Please find these individuals and let them know how much I care for their well-being. And if they've gotten into a car accident, please alert Kurt Schultz and Luke Johnston and hopefully, we can rescue them through our goodwill and peace givings. Also, I never got to do that fucking RSPW thing that CRZ cleverly did not promote.
So yes, wrestling. Let's accentuate the few positives of 2004 before I totally decide to shit on this entire fucking year…
THE EMERGENCE OF SNITSKY
Gene Snitsky emerged from Afa's WXW promotion and the OVW breeding ground to become a radically entertaining character for legions of pubescent teenagers and 45-year-old virgins engaging in Oracle-like circle jerks on the DVDVR board. Also, he kicked a fucking baby doll into a crowd. And that acne, that glorious acne. For such a horrible worker, he truly did gain some kind of engaging love from the audience, but boy is he not ready for primetime. But I think it's kind of neat to know Gene Snitsky knows what he is and that the WWE has truly accentuated the positive in him [yes, there's that phrase] - he's big, ugly and completely roided out. There's a beauty in that grotesque man. Kind of like Corky from Life Goes On.
EDDIE GUERRERO, CHRIS BENOIT BECOME CHAMPS
Ya know, even though they were both fucking sabotaged from the fucking beginning, finally this was the biggest payoff for all smart marks as THE FUCKING DEITIES OF THE INTERNET became champions at the same time in truly wonderful fashion. Lesnar/Guerrero from No Way Out was great and was a very good affair minus the bullshit Goldberg run-in. The whole psychology was great and just watching that match makes me long for the return of Lesnar because of his psychology and physical style that could still make him into one of the most badass heel monsters of our generation. But Guerrero made his match with Lesnar into something truly special where every hope spot wrenched out so much from the crowd and to FINALLY see Guerrero COVER THAT MAN TWO THREE for the win - oh, it was beautiful. Personally, I think Benoit's win at Wrestlemania was a classic match. I was there live but I've seen it on TV since and it's still a classic in my eyes. I wanted to cry. I don't really know how to explain it but seeing two guys that we've all whined and bitched and moaned about not being used correctly actually hold the titles that signify the most important position in this fucking retarded industry of professional wrestling was something that I'll hold dear to me - ESPECIALLY when Benoit and Guerrero hugged each other at the end of Wrestlemania. I'm glad we had that moment in all of the shit that was 2004.
TO BE THE MAN…
Ric Flair's book was wonderful to read as it truly gave me an inside perspective on how the Nature Boy rolled. I'd advise everyone to read it even if you don't like the man or his work, I think it was informative, entertaining, thoughtful and has some infamous digs at Randy Savage, Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart. It's not as good as any of the Foley books, though. But it was worth my money and eventually, I'll read it again and again and again. Say word. Word.
THOSE WONDERFUL DVDS THAT THE WWE PUT OUT
The Chris Benoit DVD? Tremendous. All of it. Buy it and then buy it again. And buy one for your mother-in-law. I will, eventually - when I'm married! The Ric Flair DVD? Even better because there's so much material and it's made me long for more old-school DVDs to rummage through and cop. I still haven't gotten through all the stuff on it. But man, it surely gave me more of an appreciation for wrestling then especially since the stuff now is fucking piss-poor. And my woman has just bought The Monday Night Wars for me, which I've seen some of and I want to see more of it. And the Eddy Guerrero DVD currently takes the bronze as I wish it had more of his stuff in WCW like his first match back after one of those car accidents where he had an awesome match with Psychosis on Thunder. The heat was tremendous and lovely. And the ECW DVD was great great great great great and I've watched it at least 5 times and I have a RVD figurine to play around. I need to get me a Papa Shango figurine so I can have the RVD figurine no-sell Shango's whatever-he-did.
2004 TED PETTY TOURNAMENT
Yes, the whole fucker was great. AJ Styles had great matches all night long. Well, his match with Sydal and the final with Joe and American Dragon were both tremendous. But Aries/Punk was even better than all that shit. Oh man was it great. As was Joe/Roderick Strong. Jesus. Just a great night for wrestling and I should've bought the DVD and NOT the fucking VHS. Stupid me. Watch me buy the DVD shortly. God damnit.
I'm trying to think of more good things of this year, but somehow, I don't really see John Heidenreich delivering poetry the likes of which Pearl S. Buck is literally turning over in her grave hearing actually being a good thing. Someone summon the ghost of Robert Frost to eradicate us all! So yeah, now that the good's over with, let's try the ugly.
CM PUNK AND CHRIS HERO: INTERNET DEITIES THAT DON'T UPDATE THEIR BLOGS
I have decided to love Punk more than Hero because Punk can deliver angrier interviews, can wrestle in a more diverse fashion and is generally a cranky cruiserweight bastard who can have great matches with anybody. I don't think I can say that about Hero due to the fact that he likes to be so gosh darned technical all the darned time. Like check his match with Quackenbush at the 2004 Ted Petty Invitational - dude should be wrestling his size - he's fucking like 6'4. I thought the point of wrestling was to win and not just to show off how many reversals and reversals you can pull off first. I don't know. So what's the ugly part of this? Well, it hurts me to know they're not updating their blogs because they're great wrestlers and I wanna hear them tell me how love is. I want them to show me.
FAAROOQ GETS FIRED?! DAMN.
This was just fucking ugly to me because he was actually born on the same day I was born. I'm gonna miss that Negro the same way I missed Earl Hebner when he took that leave of absence this year. Also, this gave way to JBL, who's as adequate a champion as ever. Just adequate.
FEELY GETS LAID
Oh, wait. That never happened! Moving on!
TEDDY HART VERSUS THE WORLD?!
So, yeah, I remember reading about good ole Teddy back in like '98 when I was reading MICASA and hearing that he was part of the new Funk dojo and then all of the sudden, he fucks that up and gets kicked to the fucking curb. Well, hey, he really made a big splash this whole while by pissing off CM Punk by claiming to do 30 foot moonsaults, supposedly beating the hell out of Punk before a TNA show and having the assault stopped by the likes of my hero, Sabu, giving the most ridiculous interviews on the internet, starting up H2 Wrestling and then having it fold even before it began even while it was playing up feuds on their website and generally sending many a DVDVR fanboy into a tizzy. Whatever - it was fun while it lasted. Apparently, he's finally been able to keep a gig with JAPW so there. It was ugly because you didn't know where this son of a bitch was going and it was pretty annoying and he's really fucking overrated and that match with that Backseat Boy at the ECW Arena was really bad. Seriously.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH DOESN'T PLATINUM BUT NELLY DOES?!
What a fucking ugly world I live in. WU-TANG, NIGGA! WU-TANG!
So yeah, the ugly is out of the way so let's just shit on the entire world now.
TNA CONTINUES GOING DOWN THE SHITTER, NO ONE CARES
Well, after a long while of promoting weekly PPVs, we're now got these PPVs that are on like every other month which is good for buildup…but look where the focus is on - DDP, Hall, Nash, Jarrett? Come the fuck on. It's been a sinking ship for so long and I've never felt - NOT ONCE - that this promotion didn't represent the true rebirth of the dying days of WCW. Nope. All the elements are there. Misuse of talent, overpushed champion, limited character development for undercard. It's all so fucking gay. Too bad no one buys their shows because a lot of really talented guys will be looking for places to work with much less visibility.
GAIL KIM GONE? SHE SO SOWWY!
What a travesty this was. Honestly, how dare you, WWE?! WHY?! She was tremendous. Great submission moves, a beautiful body, "exotic" and some of the most gosh-darn gayest fucking theme music ever. A personal favorite of mine gone. How sad. Someone book her for the off-off-Broadway version of Full Metal Jacket so she can reprise the role of Vietnamese Prostitute Complaining About the Size Of Black Dick.
STEPHANIE MCMAHON AND HHH TIE THE KNOT
Damn, that kid is gonna be one ugly motherfucker.
SABU IS ALL TORN UP AND SHIT AND HE NEEDS MONEY NOW
It's really sad to know a guy like Sabu, who's risked his fucking well-being and gone above and beyond the call of duty to please a somewhat ungrateful audience, is in desperate need of money. Honestly, it has been quite heartbreaking to even watch him even before as he's been quite the shell of himself. Poor guy. I just hope he gets better and goes into another line of business. Like cutting meat at one of the grocery stores on my avenue.
DARE I SAY IT - THE WWE SUCKS!
The whole product is in complete shambles in my eyes as there's nothing new or exciting or interesting or captivating to watch and the only things that are even noteworthy are given such a small time to even get over that it's all just completely worthless. Hey, Simon Dean mainevented Heat this week. I'm sure someone cares! Sadly, I really don't. I really don't feel like expounding on things a whole lot but let's just blame it on the entire McMahon family - so let's just hope Paul Heyman's contract ends up soon so he can get some money mark to put some money down on building a competitor that can really takeover this wrestling landscape because currently, it's all a big crock of shit.
That's all. Email me and I'll write more. Really!