SmackDown Live by Tanvir Raquib

Prologue: Just got home from the show. Iím tired but BOY do I have a show to talk about tonight. I took NO NOTES. WHY?! Because Iím not an Internet Something Something. Iím a motherfucker who just so happens to know how to use a computer and how to watch 15-second video clips of white chicks getting pounded with enormous sex organs. No, my name isnít Chris Hyatte and NO Iíve never had cybersex with a groupie. But whatever Ė tonightís my night in the spotlight. Because IíM BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK on THECUBSFAN.COM Ė the site that was created on the sole basis of reading recaps and the like in an ultra-friendly blah blah blah.

Yes, Iím very long-winded tonight, especially when:


Oops. I mean VELOCITY IS LIVE AND uhhÖflaccid?

My seats were ill. Donít worry Ė Iíll show all 5 of the pictures I took there sometime in the future. The crowd was full of pasty caucasoids who chanted "ECW" and "ICP" and they had piercings and looked like they hadnít taken a shower since their public school graduation. Also, lots of ugly fat bitches with these pasty Caucasoid males.

The first match was two dudes who tried and one dude won. The guy next to me said the dude was his trainer. Who cares. Oh yeah I was drinking a big cup of Heineken, I believe. So I was loud, obnoxious and wonderful.

UmmÖA-TRAIN squashed some dude. HE WAS THE GUYíS OTHER TRAINER, APPARENTLY. This was memorable cuz Albert was throwing CHAIRS AND SHIT in the ring. Awesome. He needs to do that EVERY MATCH. I was pretty drunk so I was saying shit like "HALF TRAIN HALF MAMMAL!" and "donít hurt him Ė weíre mammals!!!" and whatnot. I donít know either!

KANYON WAS IN NEW YORK. Too bad he lost in a pretty decent match against BILLY GUNN. Torrie Wilson showed her asscheeks. I was too drunk to click the button on my camera when she lifted up her skirt, apparently.

MATT HARDY beat RIKISHI. People in NYC love Matt. Heís awesome. Matt ripped the cover off the top turnbuckle and that helped when Keesh got ready to do the running butt splash [the thing before he Backs Dat Azz Up]. Do you smell PUSH?! I know I just smell INEVITABLE DEPUSH IN LIEU TO PUSHING NATHAN JONES AGAIN. Man it feels good to be an IWP again. MOVE OVER MR. TITO AND RAJAHWWF Ė IíM BACK, NIGGAZ!

Am I forgetting anything? Nah. Oh yeah letís have a round of applause for ERNEST THE CAT MILLER Ė but not JOSH whateva your name is. The ref with the bald hair can not dance with The Cat. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE CAT!!!!

BENOIT and RHYNO beat the Bashams and the lovable negress, Shaniqua. During this match, this slut in front of me told me wrestling is FAKE because I was going apeshit for Benoitís stomps. EXCUSE ME BITCH I DONíT CARE GET YOUR UGLY WHITE ASS WITH MATCHING LOVE HANDLES AWAY FROM ME. No, I just continued to say it was REAL just because I didnít wanna get thrown out. And uhh I guess I shoulda gotten another drink. REMEMBER THIS.

smackDOWN occurred! Thank you, MS Word spell-check!

John Cena beat Orlando Jordan. The sluts in front of me left for a while so I was in the unsober mood that I get Ė so I spit on both their seats. The friend of the slut didnít even say anything to me but I didnít care. FUCK YOU. So they sat RIGHT DOWN ON THEIR SEATS AND FELT MY SPIT ON THEIR BACKS AND BUTTOCKS. Then they proceeded to go apeshit over Cena. Well, the slut did Ė she was literally saying she wanted to suck Cenaís cock. It pretty much made me feel good about spitting on her seat. It wasnít a lot of spit but it was enough for me to feel cool. Cena beat Orlando in a good match. I was BOOING CENA LOUDLY because of the slut. Oh God I took a picture of her and her friend and Iíll put it online soon. Youíll feel my pain. FEAR LOVE HANDLES.

So what happened next? Uhh oh yeah TAKER came so CENA ran off and Taker decided to give Orlando the token negro wrestler a break by not kicking his ass to Africa. Then the APA came into the ring and the FBI came into the ring and the good guys won. Guido is hilarious. HIS NAME IS GUIDO NOT WHATEVER YOURE CALLING HIM THIS WEEK WWE BOOKERS. Haha I so bet they read my shit. My name is Eric Szulczewski and I bought myself some Viagra just because Rafael Palmiero told me it was the cool thing to do.

I started sobering up, which was nice. So Vince comes into the ring and calls out Zach Gowen and STEPHIE BABY. I dig Stephís fake tits these days. And her booty is afroriffic. So Zack DOES NOT kiss Vinceís ass and instead lowblows him. No, I will not go into detail. FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF MORON. Vince almost got into a lawsuit after flinging Zackís cane into the audience. But everything is gravy, apparently.

THE CROWD POPPED HUGE FOR PIPER. It ruled. OíHaire did most of the work in their match against EDDY n TAJIRI for the tag titles. Oh man I totally was thinking of Cubs and Justin bemoaning the outcome of this match. And when Eddy HIT the frog splash for the CLEAN COVER, it was definitely VINDICATION for Stephanie McMahon and her tremendous booking squad.

ULTIMO DRAGON had a nice debut against SHANNON MOORE. Billy Kidman was in the audience with some fly Hispanic mami. Also, Rey Mysterio was chilliní with Tazz and Cole. Dragon looks the same but he doesnít do the turnbuckle headstand. [insert proper emoticon here!]

BROCK LESNAR MR. AMERICA KURT ANGLE VS. BIG SHOW TEAM [unAngle?] was fun. Everyone did their shit and I was sober and it ruled. YOU~! IS AWESOME LIVE. Big Show chokeslammed everyone. Vince comes out and beats up Zack Gowen and Stephanie saves her one legged friend. GOD THIS IS SO LAME. Seeing Hogan riling up the crowd was great. Seeing Kurt Angle walk to the back while Lesnar and Hogan were finishing up the heels after the Vince angle wasÖreally not cool.

Epilogue: I had a fucking ball. Fun show, the Garden has a great atmosphere if you ignore all the white people with their fucking American flags and the amazingly morbidly obese people while walking back to your seat. Also, spitting on the seats in front of me was a new all-time low. AWESOME. See you NEXT YEAR! Or next week if you people e-mail me and CRAVE MORE MORE MORE BENGALI!!!!

- Tanvir