Bengali Metal (01/13/02)
Howdy! Its important in the history of this grand website to announce the return of an amazing thing. A thing that is really keen. A thing that is indescribably great. A thing that kills BABIES. What could it be? Do you know what it is? Huh? Huh? Huh? [I like saying 'Huh?' instead of 'WHAT?']
It's the return of BENGALI METAL! WOO MOTHERFUCKING HOO! My breakfast is ramen noodles. And let's see how much of this show I remember.
UNO MUNDO [leader]
Hey, it's FUNAKI! His eyes are slanty! My eyes are not! My eyes are not turning Japanese, my eyes are not turning Japanese, I DON'T THINK SO!
We see JONATHON COACHMAN and KEVIN KELLY. They are sitting down and talking about how great RAW was without really saying much. Once the camera is off them, they start talking about HHH and Ric Flair and Vince McMahon. Shocking? I think so.
And hey, it's…it's…it's THE HURRICANE and his sidekick, MIGHTY MOLLY! I wonder if superheroes have sex. Does Wonder Woman take it up the butt? Hmm. Hurricane poses a lot and the fans really like him! I think it was just lame to try to convince fans to boo him. That's like trying to convince me that Osama Bin Laden is a bad dude. HEY, wait just a darn second - HE IS! Okay, forget ridiculous analogies. Let's start this match. BOY, has it been a long time.
They circle, lockup, Funaki with a waistlock, there is lots of un-recappable stuff and a cover or two. And now, they're standing up again. Right. Hurricane offers a handshake, but Funaki responds with an eyepoke. Here are some standard Oriental kicks from Funaki. Hurricane hits a shoulderblock - I think. And it hits. Funaki does hits an armdrag. Hurricane retaliates in ways that I can not explain. Funaki hits a sitting dropkick, but there is no Taka camel clutch. Things just ain't right. Sigh. Funaki goes to celebrate by leaning on the middle and top ropes, but Hurricane uses this to his advantage by CROTCHING HIM! OUCH! Funaki begs off. Hurricane punches. Funaki hits a hotshot into the ropes. Then he steps on Hurricane's eyes. NOW AN EYERAKE! YES! Now, there's a break. A whip and an elbow. And now, FUNAKI STOMPS! I bet when he's stomping, he's going "AND THIS IS FOR NAGASAKI!" and "AND THIS IS FOR HIROSHIMA!" and "AND THIS IS FOR [random Japanese city that got bombed during World War 2]." HOLY SHIT - Funaki channels his hatred for America by pulling off the BOW! AND! ARROW! YES! Doesn't lead to a submission win, though. Doan yells at Funaki. Hurricane comes back with a crossbody for 2. Funaki fights back with a clothesline and a snap suplex for 2. Another pin attempt for 2. And there's your obligatory headlock and standard breadbasket elbows by Hurricane. Funaki hits a boot and there's your cross corner whip - Hurricane in the corner, Funaki charges into a boot. Hurricane goes up top and hits a BLOCKBUSTER! THAT MOVE SUCKS! Here are some punches. Funaki with some boots, but misses a punch. Hurricane hits a neckbreaker and a suplex. He goes up - hits a crossbody for a 2 count. Funaki comes back, though - hitting a neat side suplex for 2. Tries a snap suplex, but Hurricane has already taken it once, so he lands behind him and hits the eye of the hurricane. 1.2.3.
Coach likes Molly's tits. I do, too.
SHUT UP CHRIS LEARY. He's got a gay beard. But hey, THE GODFATHER IS COMING BAAAACK! YES!
We learn from this replay clip thingy that yes, STACY GOT ASS. And we have midget tag champs.
CRASH walks out, but first, does this pose. Great to see you back! And oh my, here's PRINCE NANA! Nana fucking rules, guys. You just have to see him at the Elk's Lodge. He's…great. I think he's the next Bad News Brown.
Crash calls for a TEST OF STRENGTH. But which hand??? Turns out none - as Crash goes for the quick bootstomp. HIS FOOT! Crash with a headlock/snapmare thing. He also hits a shoulderblock. Crash does some tumbling (?) and goes and does that snapmare thing, again. But Nana gets a shocking cover attempt. Ack! Crash with punches and whips Nana into the turnbuckle. Crash with the headlock, Nana with a leg scissors, Crash back to the headlock, Nana gets up, Crash goes running while Nana leapfrogs a lot. Crash hits a couple dropkicks and HEY, a BODYSLAM. Wrestling physics, geez. Crash goes up top, but thinks better of it and comes back down. He stomps instead. And another bodyslam. And NOW, he goes back up top. But Nana is really very far away. CRASH DOESN'T CARE. HE'S SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA. Yes, he's doing the pose with his hands. He jumps off! And lands on his feet! And then does a splash! 1,2! Hahahaha. Crash back to a standing headlock, but Nana counters with a side suplex. There's a back elbow! Crash hits the turnbuckle pole thingy. A couple punches and a hot shot. BACK SPLASH BY NANA! FOR 1-2! There's a headlock and a Nana elbow smash. He picks up and sits Crash on top. Hmm. Crash shoves him off and hits a crossbody. There's a couple of clotheslines. Nana's up and woozy. Yep, Nana misses wildly with a punch. Crash with a headlock, and goes up and hey, HE HITS THE ACID DROP! One two three!
They called this one of "the greatest moments in the history of the WWF." HHH came back. I freaked out. It was really neat just to see him back. Oh yeah, be sure to go to www.wwfhhh.com. I love the song. I'm listening to Dr. Octagon right now. KOOL KEITH! Fuck off, Angle. THAT'S A REAL SPEAR! PEDIGREE BY GOD! And HHH took off his shirt and lots of women and gay men got really loud.
On SmackDOWN, HHH kicked Big Show right on the balls. Pedigree. And I saw that black lady from the Stern show. And yeah, HHH is a real hottie with his shirt off, huh?
Rikishi threw Too Cool out of the ring during the Royal Rumble a few years ago. Yep.
Hey, look - it's PERRY SATURN with all new body ink on his torso. It looks really cool. In the ring, we see JOHN JIRUS, who you might know as XAVIER. He's great live. I've seen him wrestle - I know this!!!
Lockup, Jirus headlock and a shove, Saturn with a back elbow. While Jirus lies on the ropes, Saturn punches him. Jirus does something. Yep. Oh yeah, Jirus gets thrown off the ropes, but skins the cat and comes back in. So Saturn throws him back out again. MEET THE STEPS JIRUS! Yikes. Back in the ring, Saturn covers for 2. A shove and a short spear by Saturn. Inverted atomic drop, Saturn jumps on the second rope, springboards off and hits a dropkick. Camel clutch while grabbing the mouth. He pounds his head onto Jirus' gut. A boot to the jaw. Short arm clothesline! Elbowdrop. Again. A weird camel clutch - with the knee rusting on Jirus' back. Jirus does hit a sunset flip for 2. Saturn hits a superkick. Elbowdrop. Back to that weird camel clutch. Jirus fights back with kicks, punches, and high knees. Saturn responds with clotheslines. Bodyslam. Vaderbomb but NO - Jirus gets his knees up. Russian leg sweep! A neck breaker! Jirus goes up top - HE MISSES THE 450 SPLASH! Saturn with a judo sweep. He does something else and cinches in the standing armbar. YOUR WINNER IS THAT GUY.
Test sucks and RVD rules on RAW.
On SmackDOWN, Jericho taps to Rock. Uh huh.
Kid Rock sucks but Cocky ain't bad.
CHRISTIAN makes his way out. Yep. In the ring, is a man they call LO-KI. This man is really good. Reminds me of Rey Mysterio and Chris Adams. Yeah.
Loki is psyched and kinda wants to win. Lockup, Loki with a waistlock, switch, Christian throws him down. There's your headlock. Loki with a wristlock and they're now up again - Christian fights his way out. Those are punches. Loki with some nice KICKS. And CHOPS. Christian punches back. Loki fights back - I don't know how. This is my first time recapping in like 2 months. He goes up top, but Christian crotches him. Loki eventually lands on the apron and Christian shoves him off - AND LOKI FLIES ONTO THE BARRIER! It was just amazing elevation. Amazing. He gets back in. Loki punches, but Christian gets a knee to the gut. 2 count. Loki fights back - whip, reverse, Loki bounces off the second rope and makes a short scissor kick. And there's a forward roll kick. Uh huh. Eventually, Loki heads up top to try this insane 450 backwards thingy and let's say he missed. And my notes say "Nophenok." I try to write really really fast and so, these weird abbreviations get written down. I don't know what "Nophenok" means. Not at all. Christian hits a boot and there's the UNPRETTIER. There's your fucking win.
All the matches on this show ruled. It's also cool that I knew who all the jobbers were, too.