College sucks and so does a lack of sleep. But I am here to fight against that. Hopefully, a Warrior-like presence may consume my soul and thus, my spirit can be AFIRE.
Kinda like in that scene where the Turtles are meditating and Splinter comes up and tells the Turtles something. That’s like a REALLY GOOD scene. And yeah, I feel like such a crackhead tonight, as I’m writing this intro, because if I wanted to be sane and all, then what good would my recaps be? I mean, consider the fact that you have a self-admitted antisocial loon writing this…and you should be pretty pleased. And I’m not even on Xanax.
That was what I wrote on Wednesday night, I believe. Now, it’s Friday, and BOY AM I HAPPY to be getting this boring [yet productive!] week over with. Consider that I’m taking 16 Credits at college, with my schedule spanning as early as 9:30 am to as late as 7:15 in the PM and boy, that sure seems to make this fake, melodramatic and just plain gay, when you put things in perspective, "net-life" look really stupid. Nevertheless, I’m a fucking trooper if ya ever saw one, so this recap shall be done. On time? Most likely, but we’ll see what happens. All I know is that I wanna stretch out the oddball-quotient of my recaps to the HIGHEST of levels in order to placate to that wonderful little voice in my head that tells me, "be different."
So I will be different, damnit. I WILL BE DIFFERENT. YES.
I just wonder HOW to make this particular recap different. Ya see, that’s the fun part about this here "scene" – sometimes, you can just stumble into some kind of schtick that WORKS.
Or you just find some kind of schtick that uhh…WORKS FOR YOU. And that’s what matters. Writing because in the end, it’s not about placating to loyal readers or writers who you might respect…or to some kind of "status quo" on how to write an unimportant article concerning PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING, for God’s sake – it’s all about one person: YOU.
So if I catch you off-guard and you believe "hey, this guy really SUCKS!", then well, I don’t care. This is MY recap and I shall use this to make MYSELF FEEL GOOD. The only person I shall placate to is myself. The rest of you can fuck off and rot.
[Hmm…maybe I should put a SMILEY here? Uhh…NO. DIE!]
bengali WOW – I WONDER WHO THE GUILTY ARE.
Man oh man, we’re greeted by the sexual stimuli that are BREASTS and HOT GIRLS IN THONGS. This is the aspect of WOW that’s become all sorts of underplayed, which has been great for the chicks cuz they can be measured by their athleticism and overall rulingness, instead. If BREASTS were the measure of status in this company, then the God foresaken BEACH PATROL would be the Tag Team F’N Champions, which we don’t necessarily need. Nuh uh.
We’ve got FOUR MATCHES on this show, which is cool, but I’m not gonna tell you what they are because I’ve got BLACK SABBATH RINGIN’ IN MY EARS MAN.
WOW theme music
Poison walks out and tells the crowd to stick it. Well, if the crowd can ACTUALLY hear her say it, but I doubt they can – she has no mic. But she made the "kiss it" gesture that is ALL THE FUCKING RAGE in this fed.
Jade comes out to her racially distinct theme song that makes my brother laugh. I think this might make him a RACIST! Or maybe YOU!
I do believe we have a match here and apparently, it’s POISON versus JADE
We have…a lockup! Poison with a badass side headlock. Poison hits a shoulder block that seemed kinda shitty the first and second times I saw it. Jade does one of those cute catapult moves and HERE’S YOUR FIRST DROP TOE HOLD OF THE EVENING FANS. Poison hits a snapmare – there’s a clothesline and a cover for uno…DOS. Poison whips this fine Asian woman to the ropes and there’s a PUNCH. I’m sure El Dandy had some role in teaching her the effectiveness of this particular move. And there’s a kneelift, as well. Scoop slam and Poison AGAIN covers for 2. Jade hits a tilt a whirl something, but I believe it be a headscissors because she’s ASIAN.
My mother says Asian girls are very quiet and are no match for evil makeup ridden caucasian women like this here Poison. Hey, Jade’s mom was at Unleashed!
There’s a dropkick by Jade and Poison leaves the ring to consider how to put an end to this spitfire. Oh, GREAT – STOP THE PRESSES cuz McLane’s talking to Selena Majors after what happened at the PPV. See, I don’t really know what the FUCK she said, because I was feeling so sexually aroused by the sound of her scratchy honky-tonk more redneck than someone redneck voice. I think the sound of an irritating voice is the most sexiest thing ever.
OH YEAH THE MATCH. While the bastards are talking about or to Selena, Poison comes back in and hits an OUT OF NOWHERE kneelift. There’s that kind of armdrag that might be a judo throw. Ooohh…the setup…and camel clutch. My mother is very upset at what’s happening to Jade. Jade hits a pretty cool move as she runs towards and SPRINGBOARDS off the second rope for a crossbody. Flying headscissors by Jade!
Little later on, and Poison has Jade in the windmill suplex setup, but Jade’s crafty and rolls her up for NOT a 3 count. Poison with the windmill suplex setup, but just drops Jade to the mat. Kinda like a facebuster, only she’s using Jade’s asscheeks instead of X-Pac’s head. That’s a very vanilla [not chocolate!] vertical suplex by her, as well. Poison rips off the coolest move in Mideon’s arsenal with the Poison Paralyser – cover, 2 and THREE.
I feel oh so sorry for precious Jade’s grandma.
Now would be a good time to make up some really cool joke about EnerX, but fuck – we see this commercial EVERY FUCKING WEEK, so how long before the joke gets old? I just find that man in the doctor’s suit to be HILARIOUS. Don’t you?
We see a VIGNETTE that has all the makings of something out of a scene from one of those tapes of an X-rated nature that my really good friend let me borrow once. But the acting in this particular fiasco is quite pitiful, but I’m not an actor, so maybe my grading of good acting is beneath me. I should probably not grade wrestling matches because HEY I’M NOT A WRESTLER EITHER. Silly me. I’m not even gonna deem given a recap of this other to say that McLane’s a moron and Jeannie Buss is an idiot for agreeing to do this. But hey, she’s got nice breasts! Yeah.
We see the Disciplinarian come out and MY LORD she looks quite evil, sinister and huggable all at once. I didn’t see this part of her "WOW-tron" where she screams and knocks off this kid’s dunce cap. Shit – they still use dunce caps? I never got to wear one of those – the teachers just made me stand on the wall or shit, all the way in the corner. That was stupid, because it would be increasingly hard for me to copy my notes back in grade school. So if I mouth off in class, you’ll make sure I don’t learn? That’s some SHIT.
[Damn, going off on a million rants in a recap is FUN!]
Caliente comes out and yes, I do believe I should make note that yes, this is another match.
I am making note that yes, this right here is going to be a match between the Disciplinarian and Caliente.
Lockup and here’s the customary WOW side headlock by Disciplinarian. There’s the shoulderblock, as well! But hey, Caliente shows off her Latina roots with a catapult thingy. And here’s some arm wringing stuff! Oh no – Disciplinarian’s dropping legdrops on her arm. That would be another thing that would make me extremely sad. L
Oooh…an emoticon! Lemme try another one! J
Back bodydrop by Disciplinarian flies for about 2 counts. Disciplinarian hits a clothesline. She also pulls out a BACKSLIDE and a SCOOPSLAM out of her arsenal. She misses her running splash, though. Uh oh – here comes Disciplinarian and her Pedigree finisher, but NO Caliente’s manuvers herself out and HITS a slingshot catapult thingy. A crosscorner whip that turns Irish leads to a Latina monkey flip and ARRIBA a flying double axehandle.
Caliente HITS a crossbody off the second rope. A cross corner whip leads to Caliente busting out HEY THERE’S A DROP TOE HOLD IN WOW. Caliente goes all racially specific with HER Mexican surfboard. Disciplinarian can’t do much but submit.
but WAIT there’s MORE!
Disciplinarian GOES for her stick, but Caliente doesn’t let her guard down as she hits a dropkick.
McLane goes into the ring to get a word with our winner. Caliente is putting on her frilly dress, as I ponder the one question that bothers me as I watched this show: Does she speak ENGLISH? And when she opens her mouth…why, should does! She says she’s proud of her ethnicity…and but GOD so am I! I think we’re both racists! Caliente decides it’s time to dance and McLane gets swept off his feet. ANDALE ANDALE MOMMY E-I E-I UH OHHHHHHH…
Julie Day is backstage with Blond…Jane Blond. The first thing to note is that Blond has a funny voice. Like not as annoying as Selena’s, but just weird. Like she’s from another country or something. Hmm…come to think of it. I think I know where she’s from. MEXICO. Jesus Christ, it took me this long to figure that shit out. Oh, the interview was just her saying that she learned a lot of martial arts and kickboxing and dancing somewhere in Tiajuna.
Don’t forget to VOTE VOTE VOTE for the chick who looks THE BEST in a swimsuit.
OK, so this is MY introduction to Hammerin’ Heather Steele, as she runs down to the ring and is quite perky, I should note. I think I’m only missing Randi Rah Rah and Mystery, who left or whatever.
Jacquelyn Hyde COMES ON DOWN with Nurse Mercy or whatever the fuck her name is and HEAD! Well, HEAD on a barbie doll. And you thought that WOW was all about late 80’s goofiness, right, you fucking smart mark?
la la la another match another go HAMMERIN’ HEATHER STEELE and JACQUELYN HYDE wrestle…EACH OTHER
Jacquelyn runs right at Heather, who gives her ONE OF THOSE DROPTOE HOLDS…and hoowah, there’s another! Heather with some arm wrenching and I believe Lee says it’s a hammerlock. Something happens and Jacquelyn hits a snapmare. Also, she hits THE FORGOTTEN MOVE – yes, the forward roll with neckbreakery. Only Douglas does something as special as that in this day and age. SHAME ON ALL OF YOU HIGH SPOT PEOPLE. I type in all caps to annoy all of you. Ha.
Jacquelyn hits a couple legdrops on Heather’s crotch. Yes, her crotch. There’s a hairpull. Heather, meet Wendy Turnbuckle. Snapmare by Jacquelyn. Jacquelyn goes up top, but misses the splash because she’s doesn’t have a WHOMP ASS gimmick like a wrestling redneck chick or a wrestling amazon. Heather with a scoop slam for 2. I could probably be the overly smart mark by saying "way to sell your beating, Heather", but I’m a benevolent human being who loves SQUIRRELS. Jacquelyn gets in a keen Kidman-esque move – she crosscorner whips Heather, but instead of hitting the bulldog when she bounces off – she hits the STUNNER.
Course the announcers call it a neckbreaker. Jacquelyn covers for 2, as Heather’s foot was on the rope. Here’s a scoopslam by Heather – cover, duex, tres.
bolding denotes a decision
Heather is so EXCITED to win. I’m very non-plussed. And Jacqueline…well, she’s like REALLY angry and decides to take out all her fucking frustrations over living such a tortuous life on one soul, one person, the ONE MAN who deserves to have frustrations and feelings of inadequacy on…
YES. JOSH MILTON.
Jacqueline climbs on his back and as her tries to pull off, he reaches around and BOOM BOOM BOOM the move we can’t call a Stunner so as to offend our redneck mullet wearing face has ARRIVED.
The funny in all this lunacy is that Jacqueline’s HEAD is really just a styrophone. And Jacqueline walks off angrily and only carrying HEAD’S moptop. Let me know if you know what I’m trying to say, because I don’t really know either.
McLane is in Buss’ office and I do believe some anal sex was performed here, but I can’t be bothered.
LOGON to that WOW site.
I’m scratching my head because I have psoriasis, which is not gonna kill me – it just means that my scalp has really fucked up growth and I pray to the heavens that I can get this shit under control someday,
A pulse quickens…and a drumbeat and don’t forget cymbals give us…
She wants Roxy Powers. I do, too.
And guess who comes out! ROXY POWERS! And to that wonderful "everywoman" theme song. I just feel like I can do anything when I hear that. I think I should not say any mean things about Eric Clapton’s dead son. Yeah, I shouldn’t.
black chicks wrestle one is hot roxy powers one is not slam dunk
Lockup and Roxy with WHAT WHADDAYA KNOW a side headlock. Slam Dunk is obviously a powerhouse because Roxy’s shoulderblocks do nothing to her. But Roxy does hit a crossbody for 2. Whip by Roxy, leapfrog and when Slam bounces off the ropes, OUCH a crescent kick by Roxy. Slam leaves the ring and yells at McLane and Lee. Lee says the quote of the night – "You got no beef with us!" I think it’s a tossup as to where he was brought up at – Compton or Cheyenne.
Slam back in the ring – and here’s ANOTHER lockup. Slam works the arm and here’s a standing switch…somewhere along the way, Roxy rolls her up for 2. Slam runs towards Roxy, but Roxy’s like "I got this shit on LOCK" and takes her down with HEY ANOTHER DROPTOE HOLD. McLane tells us we have to go to break.
[Benny Hill rules.]
BACK. Another lockup and Roxy takes Slam down with a fireman’s carry something. Roxy follows in the tradition of other legends with THE KICK OF FEAR. Slam must’ve made a quick recovery [on WOW?! DAAAAMN.] cuz she just hit a legdrop for 2. And she gives Roxy the treatment by steppin’ on all her pretty neck. Slam mocks Roxy for a bit. L L L
Cross corner whip from Ireland by Roxy leads to nothing good – Slam puts the boots up, y’all. "Shitty dropkick for 2" says my notes. Roxy does something really cool as she locks on THE SHARPSHOOTER and you best believe that I was markin’ out for that like "daaaaaaaamn girl, I didn’t know you could bust some fly type shit like that." Slam grabs the ropes, but Roxy does the dumb thing and tries for it again. Slam kicks her off and HERE WE GO…
After some whips and reverses and a leapfrog by Roxy, Slam gets in her choke…and SLAM. But Roxy had her foot on the rope. Roxy gets in a schoolboy for 2. Whip to the corner, but Slam gets her boot up. Slam with some type of slam and SHE WINS by using the ropes to HER advantage. But how much leverage is that rope REALLY providing?
not enough GAME OVER
I liked this. McLane said the feud ain’t over. BUT WHEN WILL IT? MYSTERIES ABOUND!
Learn the phonics game. Alex Trebek says it’s GREAT and he’s like the smartest man in the world next to that fast talking guy in all the MicroMachines commercials.
Okay, we see a lot of chicks in bikinis now. I’m tired and GOD DAMN do any of you assholes think a recap would do these chicks justice – in the ring or without clothing? Cuz if you think it actually does, then you’re fucking fooling yourselves. All I can say is that Bronco Billie looks great without 3 pounds of makeup on her face.
Man oh man – this PSA for a Partnership for like, abused children is GREAT. This is surreal because they’ve got kids playing their parents. This skit shows a little boy acting like a stressed husband and a little girl acting like a scared housewife. This is like the evil side of Look Who’s Talking. This deserves to be noted because of its AWESOMENESS. I just felt like saying so, because haha it’s my recap and not yours.
We get like 6 or like a MILLION minutes of these chicks in bikinis. THONGS RULE.
Inventors commercial gets played twice.
More insane sexual positions delivered by Jeannie Buss and David McLane and WAIT A MINUTE what’s SHAQ doing here???
Tune in next week to find out! J J J J J J J J J J