Greetings and salutations to all of you.
After a week off Metal, I refocused from the prior 12 weeks of bullshitting and actually *gasp* did DECENTLY (I think) on my finals. Amazing! But yeah, basically, it’s time to chill until the first week of February, so this means the Bengali Metal will be freshly stocked throughout January, I hope.
One of the things that I hope to find an answer for is why do Asian chicks dig Hello Kitty? Really – it’s one of those earth shaking questions that keeps me up so late at night. So if you’ve got an answer, let me know.
BENGALI METAL BEGINS NOW!
SCOTTY TOO HOTTY vs. CHUCK COATES (sp?)
Umm…I like missed the first 4 minutes of the show, but came right in to see Coates getting the upper hand, while I quickly searched for some loose paper. Scotty with a neckbreaker. Trading punches – Scotty with a hard punch. Whip to the ropes – Scotty with a backdrop. Coates with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Up top, Coates misses the elbowdrop. Scotty smartly hits the G-A-Y for the pin, thus the win.
WINNER IS SCOTTY
Post match, Scotty laughs like a retard.
Coach reminds us that there’s no live SNH, I think. Not that you care or anything.
Commercials make me think that it’s a beautiful daaaaaaaaay…
Ventura’s an XFL analyst, but I DON’T WATCH FOOTBALL. Did catch smatterings of Giants-Jags this week. But the Super Bowl is one big bunch of commercialized bullshit. And we don’t need that in my household.
ESSA RIOS vs. SHANK
Shank is this Phil Anselmo-lookalike with a bunch of ugly tattoos on his torso and head. He should probably start his own death metal band – he’s got the badass look. Lockup – Shank powers him off. Locking up again – Shank with punches. Cross corner whip by Shank, but he hits the ringpost shoulder-first. Armdrags and a dropkick out of the ring by Essa. Running off the turnbuckle, he hits that somersault Thesz-press. Thrown back in, Essa covers for 2. Essa with punches and chops.
Shank with a REALLY shitty chokeslam takedown thing. Tazz, on commentary (YES!), rightfully rips that move. Yes, it sucked that bad. Shank with a clothesline. And a chop. Essa with a few boots after being whipped to the ropes. Shank with a Thesz press and one of those "psuedo-Falcon Arrows" that Albert and Bob Holly (HOLLYCAUST~!) do. Shank takes his pretty time going up top, so Essa armdrags him off. Fireman’s carry into a slam – Essa hits the Moonsault for the ween. Not bad for A FOREIGNER!
ESSA ES WINNER
Dial 1-800-COLLECT because the Rock and UnderTaker become Tag Champeens on RAW IS WAR.
On SMACKdown, we had Angle politicking Edge and Christian’s cause to Vince. Vince says he’ll make it fair, and does – by making Angle the ref. Oh, stop being cynical – it’s not like a HEEL or anything. OK – maybe he is. You know what I like – it’s when OTHER wrestlers play the blind ref role on purpose. That I’ll always get a kick out of. Angle gets attacked by Rock, we have another ref, and some other chicanery happens, but Edge and Christian win back the titles in the most compelling and believable means. Yes.
ROYAL RUMBLE HIGHLIGHT! IT’S THE UNDERTAKER! HE’S ANGRY – AND WHITE! YES, IT’S POSSIBLE TO BE BOTH!
RAVEN (kaw kaw kaw) vs. ROMEO BLISS
Raven had the most believable character in wCw. God, I miss the Flock days. Circling – lockup – into the corner, they go – Raven with a bunch of forearms – crosscorner whip and hey, Bliss does the Flair Flop. Bliss on the apron, but falls off after Raven dropkicks him on the ankles. Yes, the ankles. Intentionally, not because he’s slowly becoming what I’ve heard Erik Watts was a few years ago. Yeah. Raven with his signature Russian legsweep into the guardrail.
Back in the ring, a SIGNATURE snapmare into a facerake. And whoa – there’s that weird hangman’s neckbreaker submission deal. Raven hooks the legs while pulling your neck. But you knew that. Crosscorner whip and there’s the Kidman clothesline by…RAVEN! Afew more cross corner whips that leads to spears of a 0.3 JEW rating. Raven is not Goldberg even though their ancestors were enslaved by evil Nazis. Bliss with some token non-recap worthy offense, but he gets a schoolboy for 2. And a bulldog for 2. But Raven gets a clothesline in, and follow that up with a DDT to end it all.
RAVEN WINS FOR JEW
On RAW IS WAR, we learn that Linda’s nuts and suffered a nervous breakdown. Thank GOD I stopped watching some of this shit. Because these people can’t act for shit. Linda’s got the worst expressions in the business and I regret not naming her for Worst ANYTHING in the rspw’s. Because the bitch is like horrible. Angle/McMahon is SHOCKINGLY a ruse. SHOCKINGLY! Foley gets chaired and stuff. Like you care. On SMACKdown, we learn that Stephanie McMahon should open her mouth so I can insert my penis into it. She’s got clean white teeth, which is a nice attribute to have. We see clips of Regal/Austin from RAW – which leads to the SMACKdown shenanegans: Vince wants Austin to be a ref for the Euro title match. This is all very humorous – with the whole laissez-faire reffing, the beer and the REF 3:16 shirt. KAAAAAAAAAANE comes out as I now realize that I really should go ready myself for morning prayer. Back in a few.
BACK! OK – I’m officially fasting. Kane shows Austin who’s boss with Regal’s help.
ROAD DOGG and K-KWICK vs. LO DOWN~! (and Tiger Ali Singh)
That Lo Down TitanTron rules. And my mom loves these guys. I think it’s because they wear pajamas and diapers on their heads. Probably. Lo Down PRAAAAAYS to the cow, so the OTHER hip-hoppers decide to attack. Lo Down gets the early advantage and they stomp the exiting Road Dogg. D’lo hits a leg lariat, which the announcers note as a broken nose. Tag into Chaz – and we see a sideslam/legdrop combo. "Dogg thrown out, but no one attacks. We learn later on that he got a concussion or something, so this is a good reason why Tiger doesn’t do anything.
D’lo throws Dogg back in – Chaz covers for 2. And then, he kicks him a whole bunch while he’s down. Crosscorner whip – clothesline by Chaz. Tag to the black Sikh. D’lo punches. Whip – Dogg with a sunset flip for 2. D’lo with stomps, but something happens and there’s a double clothesline for both the turbanheads. Kwick tagged. Punches! Flatliner! Front Suplex for 2! Tiger McCullan (Tazz called it!) interferes and we see a small heel beatdown. Good guys throw them out and Tiger is all upset. GET ROWDY SET TO MOVE SOME THANG, Y’ALL.
RAPPERS ALSO WINNERS
Coach shills. We care. Well, not really. It goes like this:
There WILL be a Lita/Malenko confrontation. SUNDAY! HeAT! MTV! 7PM!
And a Foley musical tribute that will make us cry all over again. SUNDAY! HeAT! MTV! 7PM!
TAZZ! X-MAS SURPRISE! SUNDAY! HeAT! MTV! 7PM!
AUSTIN! KANE! FIGHT! RAW IS WAR! TNN! 9PM!
Any thoughts, Tanvir? Plenty. Scotty kinda annoys me. It’s because he’s a white guy…dancing. Essa won not so handily – which made it look believable. He’s not getting much of a push anyway, so he better fucking sell. Now, Raven doesn’t need to sell a damn thing – he’s hardcore, which means he’s gotta be built up kinda strong against pasty white jobbers. His moveset is limited, but he used it well tonight. Fun squashes like the one with Bliss are quite acceptable for Metal. And folks, we have seen possibly, Road Dogg’s fond farewell from the WWF tonight. OK – so this was at the RAW tapings…and Dogg DID get a concussion from what the announcers were telling us. So with a concussion, Dogg musta decided to do SOMETHING to steer himself away from feeling so woozy. Enough to get his employers hanging his career right in front of him, I suppose. Kinda wild when you think about. By the way, Tazz was HYSTERICAL on commentary tonight. Kelly wanted an apology for Tazz taking his job, but no go. And Tazz was on the money with the commentary. Looks like he’s got a bright future, I hope, behind the mic.
Thanks for reading and no, I am not one of those cowboys in the new Madonna video. I AM in the new Lil’ Bow Wow video so check dat, muhfuckas.