Televised/Written: 12/01/00
Posted: 12/02/00
Hello. My name is supposedly Tanvir Raquib, but everyone who isn't my "real life" friend and is on the Net seems to call me "Tan", so I'd appreciate it if you called me Ravi Shankar instead. (Yes, he's still alive - he's performing with his pianist daughter in some performances in NYC [Carnegie Hall?]. I might be intrigued to see him someday.)
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm sure a few of you may remember me from SUCH SITES as Chris Zimmerman's [slash] wrestling, The Oracles War Room, The Shooters or a few contributions to Rant Central. So why the hell am I restarting my "recapping career" with "that site of that guy with that ETHNIC name from Rantsylvania?"
Well, it's actually quite simple. Me and Mr. The Cubs Fan were chatting and I'm all "ah needs to run up out of dis here Emzee-Shooters-Rantsylvania oh-pressin' type shit and be pennin' mah joints fo' some sucka that wants me without havin' to be frontin' and shit". So TCF is all "yo, you could write fo' mah site, pod-nah" and I'm all "yo, ahm 'bout go buckwild if yah be fuckin' wit meh" and he's all "naw, iz cool, yo - we be tearin' mad shit up in dis Y2G".
And so on. Now, I'm a contributor to the site (with a link to a "great" META column I wrote) of Everyone's Favorite Recapper of Mainstream Syndicated Goodness, which is A-OK with me. NOW, with this GREAT NEW OPPORTUNITY, I can now lay claim to having a spot - a GREAT spot - on thecubsfan.com. Thanks to TCF for the opportunity to use his Net credibility as a way of jumpstarting my own. *thumbs up*
I'll hopefully fulfill my prequisite of one hour of weekly syndicated goodness to this here site, but I get lazy. And remember: if I can never find the time to recap a wrestling show, I can always recap an hour of Darkwing Duck for you.
LET'S DO DIS! HOO-WAH! LATE NIGHT SYNDICATION LEADS TO MASTURBATION! I'M A RAPPER!
Okay. Let's start:
wwf metal
WWF COMMENTATOR, TAZZ vs. ESSA RIOS
Tazz gets a nice pop coming out. Essa gets no love, though. Lockup - to the corner, they go. Ref breaks it up, but Tazz with the boots and punches. Essa eats an Angry Man's Clothesline. Essa with some kicks, but a head and leg release Tazplex does some good. Tazz with some BOOTS and a hairpull. Essa gets thrown out of the ring - Tazz introduces his head to the steps. A punch by Tazz and we're back in the ring. Tazz covers for 2.
MID-MATCH NEWS: Rock is going to be on the HeAT tomorrow. And no, I will not be at WWFNY.
Snapmare and clubbing blows by Tazz. A backbody drop, but Essa lands on his feet. Impressive. After a few Mexican clotheslines, Tazz shows off his head 'n shoulder Tazplex. Sunset flip for 2 by Essa. Essa fights back with a crossbody and a scoopslam. Slingshot legdrop and some punches by Essa, but Tazz wastes no time cinching in the Tazzmission out of the blue. Essa taps out to the former ECW TV and World Champion.
WINNER IS TAZZ.
POST-MATCH PROMO TAHM~! Tazz is his name and Essa is Just Another Victim. Dig that, assholes.
Coach does a local spot for the next MSG house show on Saturday, January 27th, 2000.
Some commercials that really would matter if I cared.
We get RAW/SMACKdown highlights on this here show. First and foremost, the GREATEST SEGMENT EVER as Chris Benoit slams the door right on Lita. I have laughed harder before, but blatant asshole qualities can be so hilarious. I wonder if I'll be censored for the profanity here. Anyways, a beatdown of the Hardys continued during and after this segment by the Radicalz. The 6 person match featuring Radicalz not named Benoit vs. Those Funny People seems pretty exciting from the clips. As usual, there were 2 obvious constants: Jeff Hardy looking very homosexual and Dean Malenko y Eddy Guerrero ruling. Saturn seems his usual "decent, but not GOD" self in this match. Fair enough.
This Public Service Announcement tells you to not try this at home, WWF fans. Recapping this show, that is. Otherwise, feel comfortable in your ability to break your fucking neck, OK? Oh-KAY! Got it!
Commercials make me RUN FOR THE HILLLLLLLLS, RUN FOR MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE.
The XFL will suck, people. Like the Black Plague was for Europe and all those places with lots of white people. It might pop a decent rating, though, but I refuse to watch a whole football game.
RAVEN vs. JUSTIN ROCHELAU (in ring)
Raven looks himself. Justin is white. A crosscorner whip gets Irish whipped by Raven. Clotheslines - one in the ring and the other leading to Rochelau out of the ring by Raven. Russian legsweep on the barrier by Raven. Snapmare and a face hurty thing I see. Raven with a hmm...neckbreaker postioned submission thing. Looks like it doesn't hurt a damn thing. Raven with a crosscorner whip and a spear. Rochelau with some punches and OH MY GOD IT'S TOKEN JOBBER OFFENSE. Armdrag by Rochelau. More boots by that guy. Raven pulls Rochelau into the corner and boots the shit out of the kid. Well, OK - he didn't. The shit did not come out of Justin Rochelau.
Raven with a clothesline. And here's a nice bulldog! And a subpar kneelift as a prelude to the DDT. Cover, Ref! Uno, Dos, Tres! Kaw, kaw, kaw.
WINNER IS RAVEN.
This show is a fucking breeze to recap and yeah, I do curse every other sentence. But these commercials need to be some real dirty stuff - like those phone sex commercials with those chicks looking RIGHT AT ME waiting for my call. I SWEARED SHE WANTED ME. But no, I couldn't. Reality settled in - I realized that my dad would kill me when he saw the bill. There would never have been a Tanvir Raquib to grace you here. This is why "for entertainment only" advertisements are good - because they let you go through the psychological trails that I have gone through. I just wished this station knew the feeling. SHAME on you, WLNY-TV. For SHAME.
The SLAM OF THE WEEK is Kurt Angle delivering the Olympic Slam to someone important.
We also see Austin beating down Angle, but then getting beat down by HHH, who makes his return from trying to "make a baby" by inserting his penis into Stephanie McMahon's vagina. Thanks, Scott Christ! *thumbs up* Really, though - it's an excuse to just have really rough sex. Yes, I'm feeling really crass - it's 4:52 AM and I don't give a damn.
On SMACKdown, everyone's a number 1 contender! Well, four proven money makers and one who'll stack the deck in HHH's favor. In the handicap match, Taker actually used a DDT, which ain't exactly a move someone his size should be doing, necessarily. Maybe he realizes his moveset is more pathetic than ever? Or that it's just really cool to drive the top of someone's head down to the mat. Probably the latter. Angle's Olympic Slam can only get a two for Christian as Rock was strong and didn't want to quit. Now, if it was, say, a KNEEDROP to Rock's throat, I think that would be the end of our superhero. Stupid Angle. Stupid, stupid, stupid - use the kneedrop!
Commercials of the local and thus, unimportant to all you non-local yokels.
AL SNOW (with Head) vs. RODNEY (with talent???)
Great - my mom made me tea. Maybe my phlegm infested throat will feel better. Snow shaved his stash off - it looks very weird. Lockup and OH MY - we've got really wacky chain wrestling going on here. I don't know how to call any of this, because I was brought up on Vince McMahon's commentary. This does rule, because it involves both men moving their wrists and arms and going around each other. My mom marks out for that kinda shit. I just am amazed that Rodney's doing it. Rodney with a punch to end the unrecapable goodness, but Snow just levels him with a barrage of punches. CHEER, the crowd says!
Pumplehandle and a belly to back by Snow. Rodney misses an enziguri (with his LEFT LEG), but legsweeps to get the advantage. Irish whip into corner and a backelbow by Rodney. Punches rule. Another irish whip by the possibly Irish Rodney. Rodney with a...underhook into a vertical suplex? Get OUT. Crosscorner Irish whip by Snow, which leads to a HORRIBLE Flair Flop by Rodney, who still did it better than I could. Snow clotheslines him off the apron. Snow now outside - Rodney goes face first on some windmill (?) suplex setup. Back in the ring, Rodney gets a WEDGIE. I'm sure they planned that spot out 5 minutes before the match. The match ends shortly after with the Snow Plow.
WINNER IS AL SNOW.
POST MATCH SHENANEGANS~! Rodney gets hit by Head. Ow.
Coach shills WWF locality. Rock does a customary 30 second interview because New York is a lot more important than your state or third world country. Ha ha.
Commercials are not as important as remembering to WHIP YOUR ANUS PROPERLY.
Some Lugz sponsored HHH beatdown.
On SMACKdown, HHH prepared to get some anal sex from Stephanie. And Whippleman was the means to that - as he was the person to inform HHH as to whether or not someone "suspicious" was coming. At first, it was Benoit, who offered his services to beat up Austin. Austin watches this in the back. The lovers are drinking, until Whippleman comes in again - nothing someone else needs to talk to HHH. HHH hits the lights and kicks the ass of the "trespasser". Austin comes in and turns on the lights - HHH is shocked and looks down to see a bloody VINCE. Great - you kicked your father in law's ass again. GOOD JOB, HHH! He just did what a whole bunch of angry guys have wished to do - when will this booking favoritism END???
DUDLEY BOYZ vs. JUST JOE and FUNAKI (with a flag)
Umm...this will be competitive. Bank on it. D-von with some armdrag from Ecuador on Funaki. Crowd wants tables, not wrestling. Bubba tagged in - he mocks Japan and punches. Sideslam and SCOOPSlam from Bubba. On the second rope - Bubba misses a senton (it should be "back first" since he is WHITE) splash. Joe tagged - he just clotheslines and punches. Bubba responds with kicks, Joe fires back. Joe with a nice snappy kick to Bubba's head. Bubba with a chop and a crosscorner whip. Boot by Bubba - D-von in. Punches and backelbow from him. Funaki is getting himself some of that violence as well. SCOOPSlam by Bubba - WHAZZUP??!! headbutt. Joe with an axehandle - whip to the ropes - 3D? 3D! 3D! COVER THAT MAN - ONE, TWO, THREE!
WINNERZ ARE DUDLEY BOYZ.
This theme song rules. Especially with those funny sounds.
Rock is on the HeAT, folks. Watch it.
Any thoughts, Tanvir? Umm...this was good for what it was worth. You had your midcarders being pushed well and your jobbers bumping well for them. I personally thought Raven gave a little too much offense to Rochelau, but nothing to make or break his career. :) Tazz got to do some Tazplexes, which was nice to see. The crowd gave some scattering "ECW" chants during the match. And his finisher is more over than the Olympic Slam. Rodney ain't gonna be a star, but damnit, the man can be decent. But that Flair Flop has got to go - Justin Credible should be the only one bastardizing that move. The Dudley Boyz did what they always do - show alot of charisma and work in a fast paced WWF style, which was something alot of people had their doubts about, in regards to the latter point. They've really come a long way. But you knew that already. It's kinda cool to see guys who have either bounced around from feds or generally worked through the ECW hell-hole route to get put over. But I've got a soft spot for ECW - hopefully, it lives past 2000.
Thanks for reading. Feedback might be appreciated.
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