WWE RAW (04/21/03)
by Tony Ling


ALing88 (8:52:35 PM): Well the way I see it, the tapes just remind me that the product now blows
Scottie KStones (8:52:41 PM): that's dumb
Scottie KStones (8:52:52 PM): the fact that you watch Raw every week would remind you anyway

That, I think, pretty well sums up the Raw experience these days.

So here we are, wrapping up my run on the legendary www.thecubsfan.com as recapper of a once-mighty television franchise, WWF Raw. Seems like just yesterday I was scared to death that I couldn't think of funny enough jokes to make things interesting…and, right now, I'm still scared to death that I can't think of any funny jokes to make things interesting. I assume I'm not telling you people anything you don't know - Raw stinks, I say Raw stinks, everyone agrees that Raw stinks - but I hope that I've gotten you people to have a few laughs and just HOW bad Raw stinks. And now there's not much more to be said - it's the top of the end.

Let's see what the WWF has in store this week to break my spirit!

9:00: A hopeful start as the visage of the great Ric Flair pops up in Bischoff's office. Of course, he has to talk about the Kliq (even mentioning the name on TV), which kind of ruins things, but what the hey. Flair's not too happy with the way that things have been going for his young protégé HHH, leading to tonight's WWF Title match between HHH and Booker T…with Shawn Michaels as guest referee. Oh great - either Shawn screws HHH and makes the World Title secondary to their feud, or Shawn screws over Booker and HHH gets to keep the World Title he should've lost at Wrestlemania. I'm hoping for the first option, because at least it'd lead to Booker T, World Champ, but I am not holding my breath. Flair, as you might imagine, is displeased by this.

9:03: We are LIVE from the Phillips Arena in Atlanta, GA for Raw tonight. Rock Concert II is pimped BEFORE the World Title match, which should let you know where priorities lie. I love Rocky, but does his promo really have to go before a World Title match? And as I wonder if the announcers will mention Survivor Series 2002, here comes Y23KJ to once again curtain jerk for whatever reason. And his opponent, to a remarkably large pop, Hurricane. FREE SUGAR SHANE HELMS! He can do his goofy interviews and not have to look like a goddamn goon at the same time. And we go right away as Helms gets an atomic drop and covers Jericho with the cape to get some cheap shots, leading Jericho to bail. Helms gets a seated dropkick, and a springboard tope con hilo (I think? Cubs, help me out here) [that's good enough - tcf], then sends Jericho in and gets a neat springboard pinning predicament for 2. Whip reversed, Helms tries for a rana and reverses into a powerbomb, and immediately slaps on the Walls. Helms manages to reach the ropes, and Jericho goes to work on the back (odd that the working goes before the submission) and seems to revel in the JERICHO SUCKS chant from the crowd. Backdrop suplex, Jericho slaps Helms around, and slaps on a resthold. Helms frees himself, but Jericho rakes the eyes and eats a tornado DDT for his troubles. Whip, flying clotheslines, Jericho into the corner and a neckbreaker gets 2. Whip reversed into the corner as Lawler mocks Coach's announcing skills, and Helms misses something off the top to allow Jericho to get his sorta-bulldog. Jericho misses the Lionsault and Helms gets something I missed to score a 2 count. Jericho misses a dropkick and Helms tries for the Walls but settles for a slingshot, but Jericho catches himself on the turnbuckles, but Helms catches him and HITS THE CHOKESLAM!!!!! Awww, foot on the ropes. Helms goes for something, but Jericho grabs the ref to stop him and slaps on the Walls to get the submission. Well, that gives us an idea of the pecking order on Raw. Immediately Flair comes out to beat on Helms and send him into the stairs. And into the guardrail, and the jacket comes off! Flair sends him back in - wonder if this is punishment for Helms supposedly starting the Jericho/Goldberg backstage donnybrook? Flair slaps on the figure-four, so it might be. And here comes the refs to stop this nonsense as 2001 plays. Question - what are they going to do with Helms for Backlash? He's starting to finally get over, and yet they leave him off the PPVs and use him sparingly on TV. But never mind that - here comes the Rock in his limo Hummer, guitar in hand, ready for Rock Concert II. I'm sorry that the first time bombed, because that kind of diminishes my enthusiasm for Part II. And the fans aren't yelling "boo", they're chanting "boo-urns"! No, sorry, they're actually chanting "two", so says the Rock. Time for a break!

9:15: Odds that a girl that steals her dad's car to put on some slutty clothes and party and get boozed up and probably end the night with some strange guy actually refusing cigarettes because her dad might have a fit: 1,000,000 to 1. I do like that the tobacco people are giving up and admitting that teens are big enough assholes to do something like take their dad's car to go out partying when he's asleep.

9:17: WWF Rewind is the faces having themselves some internal problems. And now here comes Rodney Mack, with Teddy Long. Now, Long seems to be addressing the crowd, but he only uses the singular "playa". Shouldn't it be "playas"? We have ourselves a brand new angle for Mack - Mack can take out any white jobber, uh, I mean competitive wrestler, in 5 minutes or less! Long says "playa" way too much, even for a black man. And here he comes on commentary for whatever reason. Little clock in the corner of the screen counts this down. I seriously cannot believe they have brought back jobbers for freakin Rodney Mack. Mack just beats the crap out of this guy. The jobber fights back, but eats a nasty backbreaker and Mack chokes away as Long plays a greedy Martin Luther King, Jr. Big ol' powerslam as the boys talk about issues too deep to be properly discussed on a stupid program like this, and that'll do it. "Haterade", that ain't catching on, Teddy. Mack sends the jobber out, and the Dynamic Black Duo celebrate. And speaking of black, here's Booker T to confront HBK about him being ref. Apparently they're both surprised by this turn of events. Booker brings up HBK superkicking him, an amazing bit of continuity that would've been ignored if it hadn't happened in the same arena last year. So does that make them even? Booker thinks so, HBK isn't so sure. Wonder if Booker is winning that match?

9:26: Goldberg visits the troops. Good for him! And now Coach is in the ring to bring into the ring Lita, for the first time on Raw in…how long? A year or so? Meanwhile, Toronto and Philadelphia are going into their 3rd OT game in their series. For the record, I am no fan of the plastic surgery Lita did on her face; she looked more exotic and cooler before. Lita's excited about wrestling again, but is as not excited as I am to see King Eric come wandering down. Bischoff sends Coach off like a naughty boy, but not before taking a potshot at Good Ol' JR. Now, if THAT leads to a match, I will be very displeased. Bischoff sucks up to Lita…okay, where is this going. The Bisch makes lascivious comments - why are all evil power figures on Raw such irritating pervs? Apparently Lita still can't quite wrestle yet, so Bischoff calls her worthless and suggests she should model in Playboy like Torrie (which the crowd is not disagreeable too). Lita does the "girl power" bit. This is dying bad. Bischoff suggests Lita give him a private little show, not unlike the one he received in the Gold Club in this very town. Lita tells him to go to hell, and Bischoff yells and fires her. Lita, oddly enough, does not come back out to defend her honor. Can Eric get any more annoying? Tune in next week to find out!

9:39: Once again, we get to hear about the Rock Show and Booker/HHH. And here's HHH and Flair having themselves a moment. HHH, never one to let his opponent look good (post-2000), overlooks Booker T to talk shit about HBK. And an evil plan appears to be afoot. Once again, 3 Minute Warning don't get a proper intro, although they do get their music played. Test comes on down with Mommy Longlegs, and Chris Nowinski joins us on commentary to talk some more about the already-just about over war. And, to the…approbation? Huh. Okay, to the actual approbation of the crowd, here comes Scott Steiner. I guess Steiner's pro-war stance has been swinging his heat pendulum back to the cheering side. We get to see what brought this match on, last week's sneak attack by 3MW on Steiner after the Dumb Debate. Steiner starts with, uh, the fat one. Chops in the corner. No-sell of a whip into the corner. Bicep kiss ->elbowdrop. Belly to belly on one of them, but a cheapshot by Rico turns the tide and Steiner gets double-teamed. Surfboard submission gets two. Wow, moveset. And to a resthold we go. Steiner fights out and gets a jawbreaker, but can't make the tag as one of the fat ones nails Test. Jamal (in red, now I got the names) goes for his super fat splash, but Steiner moves and tags in Test. House of far. He actually gets Rosie up for the sidewalk slam, and Jamal eats a pumphandle slam (which Test almost botched). Rico nails Stacy, and Steiner saves. Test sends Rosie into Jamal and gives Rosie the boot, but is distracted by Steiner and Stacy and gets nailed. Steiner tags himself in while Test is down (in the wrong corner, no less) and hits Jamal with whatever for the pin. Steiner leaves as Test and Stacy have themselves another spat.

9:50: In the back, Test confronts Steiner about Stacy, but Stacy steps in and thanks Steiner for helping win the match (as well she should). Steiner accepts the thanks and hocks a loogie onto Test. And to Bischoff's office we go, as Kevin Nash walks in to have words about whatever. Nash looks like a big ass without his mustache, especially since he left the goatee. Nash basically says he's not taking sides, only his own. And in a very good decision, the Rock Show will be the 10:00 main event, rather than the last one, allowing a shred of doubt to the result of the Booker/HHH match. In the back, Rock tells Terri that the fans are gonna have themselves a gay old time tonight. Most of the fans chant along to the "and millions" part. Is Rock trying to play face now? Is that really a good idea?

9:57: Here comes the greatest promo video of all time to bring out maybe the greatest WWF wrestler of all time. The reception from this crowd is quite decidedly leaning towards the face side, so I assume Rocky's going to do some serious heel crap to turn the tide of fan support. Rock puts a smile on my face by walking over to Lillian Garcia and having him feel his bicep just for the hell of it. Okay, time to warm up my fingers for some hardcore transcribing. Dueling ROCKY/ROCKY SUCKS chants, and a Goldberg one pops up, barely. Okay, now the fans are booing as Rock does some stalling. Hitching of the pants gets female screams. Acapella time - "…" waiting for an ASSHOLE chant into a GOLDBERG one, and the Rock smiles it off. Now the fans are decidedly leaning towards the heel side. "Georgia (boos), Georgia/All day through/Just an inbred hick state/Which the Rock will leave behind" har har. And now a song for Goldberg! "Goldberg, Bill Goldberg/No piece I find (?)/The thought of whipping your big whisker big ass/keeps Goldberg on my mind" okay, that was kinda funny. This is kind of surreal. Oh yeah, this is Goldberg's hometown, forgot about that. Rock mentions that Goldberg didn't want to come, but Rock INSISTED on it, just so he could be entertained by the golden vocal chords of one Rocky Q. Maivia, Esq. And he asks Goldberg to come on down…and HOLY SHIT IT'S (DUANE) GILLBERG! The fans are chanting GILLBERG, just for the hell of it. Man, they even did the sparklers/fire extinguisher entrance. Rock, laughing, invites Gillberg to say something, and he responds with some funny noises. That's just about the level of Goldberg's promos, really. Rock calls Goldberg "giggle-panties". I wonder if Rock really is booking this, as the Torch maintained that he is. We're gonna get "The Rock Went Down To Georgia": "The Rock went down to Georgia" aw fuck I'm not transcribing this. Jab at the Braves, for fun. Gillberg gets down like it's a damn hootenanny! "Your town's a joke and your mama's a ho", ooh burn. But now we cut to a Barracuda coming into the arena…and it's Goldberg! Rock, just for fun, yells stuff as security comes on out to stop Goldberg from beating him like a red headed stepchild. Rock calls the security "Oompa Loompas" for fun, and tells Gillberg that HE'S in trouble for his little act he's been doing for years! And here comes Da Man, ready for some action. The security guys block him, as a huge GOLDBERG chant rings through the arena. Rock is ready to offer up Gillberg as a sacrificial lamb…but Goldberg ain't having it! He just charges through the human wall, but the Rock smartly slides out and yells at security to do their jobs. But Goldberg instead beats them up and goes to beat on Gillberg (who sneak attacked Goldberg), but the Rock slides in (ever the smart one, always thinking, that Rock) and nails him with Rock Bottom! Now that is mean booking. Goldberg no-sells, however, and Rock gives us "oh poopie" and takes off. The camera (finally) cuts backstage as the Rock beats a hasty retreat to his limo Hummer as Goldberg comes walking and finally jogging after, and we're gonna have ourselves a nice chase. Well, maybe not - Goldberg's engine blew out, and now he's going to chase Goldberg on foot! But the Rock didn't actually get into that Hummer…he's still here! Now THAT is comedy worthy of Benny Hill. And yes, that actually took 19 minutes.

10:19: Evil French Guys promo, thanks, WWF! Why yes, we did see this last segment. Hey, Spike Dudley is still on this show! And he's here with Trish to do…something. Chief Morley comes out to flap his gums. Oh, it's the Dudley Boys coming out as their opponents. Well, that explains why Spike is being pulled out from whatever hole he's been hiding in recently. The Dudleys look less than excited to take this match. Buh Buh, ever the company man, gives Spike a BRUTAL powerbomb, and Morley comes down to tell D-Von to hit Trish - but Buh Buh does it instead. Heel turn? Morley asks for the table, and again D-Von doesn't want to. He grabs the mic and tells Buh Buh to get it himself, and as they argue Morley gets the table himself and slides it in. But before anything can happen, the tag champs come on in to restore some sanity to all these shenanigans and goings-on! Morley gets to eat a chokeslam, and Jazz and Teddy Long slides in to put the, um, Bitch Clamp (nice and subtle, that) on Trish and drop her right on the unopened table! Ouch. Wow, way to work those two angles together, that was pretty smooth on the WWF's part. And we cut to the Rock, gloating over him being smarter than Goldberg. And we're getting an ENCORE? What, did they give everyone the night off or something? Maybe the HHH/Booker match is going 20+? If they put on a good match, it just might make up for the fact that Booker is going to lose!

10:29: Kevin Nash and HHH have some happy words as Rocky returns for his encore. Rock asks what happened to the Rocky chant, insinuating that he was playing cool face guy during the commercial break. This heel thing is just so weird. What the butt did he bring his guitar for if everything is a-capella tonight? "Nobody does it better…(ROCKY chant)/makes me feel sad for the rest/nobody does it better than me/baby I'm the best" holy crap Goldberg came back! Rock sends Goldberg over the top, and he eats the post HARD. Ouch - did Rock poop in Goldberg's corn flakes? Goldberg sets up for the spear…and Christian undercuts him! Boots to Goldberg, and Rock gets to boot him instead. Goldberg nails Rock with a clothesline, and Rock takes off while Christian gets the honor of getting his ass kicked. But Rock's back with a chair and evil intentions, and he indeed wails on Cold Beer. A heck of a heel beatdown by Rock, but not quite the massive ass-walloping that the announcers are selling it as. Goldberg pulls himself up, actually kind of selling, as we take a break.

10:38: Highlights of the Rock actually doing something really heelish, as opposed to singing mean songs and what have you. Cold's terrible song brings us to the card for Backlash: Rock/Goldberg, Lesnar/Cena, RVD & Kane/Dudleys, Rikishi/O'Haire (with Piper, ugh), Trish/Jazz, Team Angle/Los Guerreros, Big Show/Rey Rey (what a stupid match to make), and finally Booker T/HBK/Nash vs HHH/Jericho/Flair. And in the back, Nash comes to HBK's door to act as messenger boy for the champ. The door closes on the two…and here comes the challenger. Aside from Booker's short interview with HBK, there has been no buildup for him and all sorts of buildup for the Kliq stuff.

10:44: HBK coming out as Special Guest Ref. Well, this match should at least go 15, even accounting for HHH's stupid ass long entrance and Booker's shorter but cooler entrance. HHH comes out first, why not. I will take this opportunity to watch some of the 2 OT Leafs/Flyers contest. And the Leafs almost immediately score the OT winner to send the series to a 7th and deciding game. Exciting! And the challenger, de facto biggest face on Raw (fuck Nash and HBK), Booker T! Coach reminds us that HHH cares only about the fucking guest ref and not THE FUCKING GUY HE IS FACING IN THE RING, which really irritates the crap out of me. Bell rings and it's go time. Tieup and HBK separates them, and they go right back into it. Lawler playing up HHH also irritates me, even though he's a (sort of) heel announcer and is supposed to play up the heels (sometimes). HHH gets the advantage and whips Booker into the corner, but Booker nails him with a clothesline. Chops, HHH comes back, and we get a slugfest. Whip, shoulderblock, criss cross sequence, and a fivearm gets 2. Back heel kick gets 2. Sidewalk slam gets 2 as Lawler tries to explain a tortured Trojan Horse metaphor for something. Booker gets sent to the outside, but Flair gets nailed by Booker and he catches HHH and sends him into the guardrail. BOOKER T chant, and Jericho comes wandering out for the hell of it. Kick for HHH and Booker comes out to confront Y2J, allowing HHH to blindside him, and HBK has words for him, letting Jericho beat on Booker. And a commercial break, what the fuck.

10:56: Just for fun, I'll pretend that the sleeper HHH has Booker in had been put on through the entire commercial break. The odds are stacked against Booker…could this be a good sign? Ah, probably not. Booker fights out and sends HHH into the corner. Off the ropes, and they blow a spinebuster exchange that gets HHH a near fall. ASSCLOWN chant as HHH gets a vertical suplex and comes out of the corner with the knee to the head for 2. Coach says that he has a feeling Booker's taking the belt, just to jinx him, I guess. Booker fights back in the corner, as this match slows down quite a bit. Whip, reverse, high knee from the champ for 2. HHH tries for more covers, getting 2 counts each time. Nice to see that little bit from the 2000-2001 salad days. Lawler says "Kliq". The whole world talked about the Kliq? Not just 50 people on the original RSPW? Booker keeps getting put down, for only 2. Booker fights back, ever so slowly. Chops, whip reversed, and ANOTHER goddamn sleeper. These fucks had a good match like 3 weeks ago and had a week to plan a match - is there really a need for this shit? Booker, of course, fights out, but HHH puts a knee in Booker's gut. Whip, and HHH gets a beauty of a jumping kick right to the face. Ten count on both guys. Both guys up, Booker getting the edge, kick by Booker, whip -> clothesline by Booker. HHH gives Booker an elbow and goes up to the second turnbuckle, but meets Booker's leg and Booker gets a near fall. Booker gets a suplex of his own and goes up top…missile dropkick actually hits for 2. Chop, but he puts his head down and eats the facebuster and a DDT. 2 count only. Whip sends Booker into the corner, but he fights out and misses the axe kick. HHH really needs a good crème rinse right now. He fights out of the Pedigree, and this time the axe kick hits! Flair comes in and gets nailed, Jericho gets nailed, and Booker only gets 2. That should be the end for Booker's chances, I'd take it. Sidewalk slam, and Booker goes up top again, but HHH pushes Shawn into the ropes to crotch Booker, for a 2 count. Well, for a foregone conclusion, this match has been exciting enough. Pedigree chance again, and Booker backdrops out and HHH eats another axe kick. Flair distracts HBK, Jericho hits Booker with the belt…and leaves it in the ring. HBK is going to count, but sees the belt and doesn't count. Flair gets hit with the belt, superkick on HHH, HBK goes for the count, and both Flair and Jericho attack HBK. Nash comes lumbering in, and I assume he will powerbomb Booker or something, who knows. Booker rolls out, and Flair and Jericho roll out too. Nash picks up HHH, and HHH tells Nash to beat up HBK. God damn it, this stupid angle is ruining a decentish match. Now Nash helps up HBK…and HHH gives Nash a ballshot from behind. Is this match over? Booker starts to come back in…and for nothing. What the holy fuck was that? Did they even ring the bell? Well, never mind that, the show's over.
And now, my final thoughts on 7 weeks of watching Raw:

From the beginning, I've been wondering why I've been recapping this show, and before Raw tonight I finally figured it out: I've been trying to keep myself from just up and quitting this show. I mean, quite frankly, this show sucks. Nobody is a serious challenge to HHH, except for Nash, who we all know is going to be the next World Title holder. Nothing on Raw is even really that interesting anymore, as all the angles just seem to be concentrated around the HHH/Nash/HBK show and everyone else gets to be the Designated Losers to move their little soap opera. Rocky isn't even really doing anything that interesting or cool (although I'd like to think he is), and this feud with Goldberg is just being booked horribly. Why even bother watching this show?

Well, I've been watching for damn near 6 years, and I still have a lot of good memories of this show. I saw Austin stunner Vince live on TV for the first time and the great Cactus Jack/HHH match. I saw Austin regain the title from Kane after King of the Ring 98. I saw Mick Foley win his first World Title ever. I saw the This Is Your Life segment…which sucked, but I saw it! And I saw some great TV in 2000, easily the greatest year in the history of the WWF. And I was entertained the entire time.

And then…I started seeing some real crap. I saw HHH and Austin's Two Man Power Trip (and, sadly, missed the great tag titles match for reasons that I can't remember). I saw HHH and Jericho have the dumbest World Title feud ever. I saw the new World order ruin the WWF for good. I saw Hulk Hogan get a better fucking reaction from the fans than the goddamn motherfucking Rock. I saw HHH fuck a fake corpse. And I kept watching.

But no more. It's a good time to stop anyway - I usually don't watch Raw much in the summer, and it's not like there's anything real compelling to keep me watching. And right now there is just so much wrong with the WWF that anything actually right about it is just getting swept away in a tide of crap. And tonight, since I am an incredibly stupid naïve fool, I was crossing my fingers and hoping that maybe, just maybe, they'd put the belt on Booker T and make it mean something more than just a prop for the stupid Kliq to pass around. But not only did it not happen, but they didn't even bother to tack an ending onto the damn wrestling match ("wrestling", remember that?) in order to play up the love triangle they got going. And that's just about it for me. I like Booker T, and I don't want to watch him be made nothing on television.

So anyway, this is me saying goodbye to the WWF. I wouldn't be making such a big deal out of it, but I have this Raw recap, and I might as well just type this out, why not. I'm not the first guy I know to quit the WWF (hi, Mike!), and if things keep going the way they are, I probably won't be the last. Hopefully Justin and Scott can keep enjoying Raw, but there's really nothing about it that I enjoy anymore, which is kind of why my recaps became an endless bitchfest. And I didn't want it to be, but it was.

Thanks to everyone that read these brain vomits and offered feedback, I'm glad you did. And I'm glad I did this, too. At least, at the end, I figured out why.


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