WWE RAW (04/07/03)
by Tony Ling

So we return to the salt mines for another installment of what just might win the RSPW awards for Worst TV Show of the year, Raw! And what do we have on tap this week? A big fat tag team main event, the continuation of the Rock/Goldberg feud, and plenty more, probably. Exciting, isn't it?

YO DJ LET'S PUMP THIS PARTY

: Video package from last week, where the Rock fought a desperate battle to keep himself from being turned face again on TV and set himself up for a big feud with Da Man himself. "YOU'RE NEXT-EXT-EXT-EXT-EXT!"

: We are LIVE from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI, home of Gary Payton (for now). The main event tag match is pimped (HHH/Jericho vs HBK/Booker), and that freakish laugh brings out Trish Stratus, in a shiny burgundy number that shows off, well, the part of her you'd want showed off. And here comes her opponent, to a smoky horn riff, Jazz. Jazz with punches, into a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock for 2. I like how just about none of the wrestling terms I type in on Word is in the dictionary. Facelock into a pinning combination for two. Jazz goes to work as JR relates Jazz's college basketball career. Man, she'd have given Kara Wolters a run for her money in the looks department (a bad thing). Whip reversed into an elbow, Jazz yells something. Anklelock kicked out of by Trish, who gets some kicks, then nails Jazz with a good shot to the face. Thesz press on the apron to Jazz on the outside, but she gets rammed into the ring. Into the railing. This gets 2 on the inside. Jazz pulls Trish's arms back to work on her lower back, whip reversed, Trish eats an elbow, and Jazz drops a double sledge on her back. Fisherman's brainbuster gets 2. Jazz puts on a Maple Leaf as Trish bleeds from the mouth, and into the STF! Trish fights out and comes back with punches, whip reversed, Trish hits the (ugh) Chick Kick for 2. Into the corner, Trish works her over, puts her on top, and there's the rana! She actually hit it okay! This gets two, Jazz gets a jawbreaker, and Stratusfaction (with Jazz doing a good portion of the work) gets 3…but Jazz had her foot on the rope before the count finished, so we're gonna have ourselves some controversy. Haha, the replay cut out before they could show said controversy. Well, anyway, this was wrestling you can't really complain about.

: Your very own Personal Jesus himself has entered the arena, and he's looking for the Bisch! Bisch tries to kiss ass, but Rocky ain't having it. "Bill" Goldberg gave the Rock a spear, remember? "Don't cheer for that!" God, look at that buckle, it's bigger than my damn head. Rock does a very amusing impression of Goldberg's psychotic facial mannerisms and promises an asswhupping. Bisch gives a "heh heh" look as Rock leaves.

: Okay, so I was wrong about Head of State ending Chris Rock's career. But, God willing, this horrible new Dr. Satan movie will end Rob Zombie's. Together, we can bring about an end to his career by not watching that movie! Let's do it, people!

: The new tag champs celebrate their belts. RVD, as usual, demonstrates that his sweet Zen(similla) powers helped them reach the highest plane. They make amusing pot jokes, tee hee. Tonight, Morley/RVD and Kane/Dudleyz in fallout from last week. And now we finally get the right replay from the women's match. Nice production gaffe, WCW! SEE WHAT I DID THERE??? I insinuated that…eh. Backstage, Theodore Long and his protégé Rodney Mack talk about racism and affirmative action or something. Long quotes Elton John, and that is enough for her to join the NAACP, or whatever. And here's The Rock with Trish backstage. Rock congratulates Trish on her victory, and asks her if she's sweaty and wet from her match, or from hot fantasies with the Great One. Trish says "aboot", and it actually sounds cute as opposed to goofy. Rock tells his Little Rock to calm down. And hey, it's Jeff Hardy! Haha, the Rock doesn't know who it is. Or at least pretends to. Hardy brings up Goldberg, to the less than amusement of Rock. And the beauty of Insta-Match works as we have Rock/Hardy. Rock tells him to put on his paint (he already has it on!) and put on his maxi-pad (well, uh…) for the match tonight, and Trish better be watching real close! We go out on Jeff and Trish having a moment.

: Jamie Kennedy? Pretending to be a rapper? Oh man, that would have been totally funny…EIGHT YEARS AGO!!!!!! (tm Scott Christ)

: "Do I have something on my back?" Yes, Chris Jericho bendy action figure, you do…STEROID ACNE BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!111

: House of 1000 Corpses (Rob Zombie…remember, people, only YOU can stop this madman!) gives us a WWF rewind: RVD and Kane finally winning the belts. JR talks about Austin, and we get to see OMG a Sportscenter commercial! Oh man that ruled. And here's Rob Van Dam, fresh with his Tag Title belt, to take on Not Val Venis. Collar and elbow, into the corner, back again. Morley gets the advantage and punches and kicks away. Someone should tell Morley to watch the snorting, it's not at all appealing. RVD fights back, and Morley begs off. Morley has "Chief" on his tights - who does he think he is, Peter Maivia? Morley and RVD do some amateur style wrestling to remind us that all the good wrestlers are on the other show, leading to a nice belly to back with a bridge from RVD for two. Morley begs off again, making me wonder if he was hurt for real. RVD drags him out and punches away, so I guess not. Delayed neckbreaker from Morley gets 2. Rolling vertical suplexes (how fitting that a wrestler so vanilla as Morley does a vanilla rolling suplex move) gets two. Morley puts on a headlock, and RVD fights off. JR actually mentions Theodore Long, but it's in lieu of calling this match so it evens out. Whip, RVD gets a standing dropkick and a roundhouse, shoulders into the corner, rolling flip out. RVD takes out Morley's knee, does a somersault splash, kips up, and gets his half of Rollin Thundah for 2. And here's Storm to cheat. RVD gets a very neat pinning predicament that I can't do justice to, but Storm was distracting the ref. RVD knocks Storm down and goes for the *****, but Storm catches him, RVD knocks him down, and hits a splash on HIM instead. Storm cheats, and Morley hits a DDT for the pin. Good match, why not. JR mentions "bureaucracy", which I'm pretty sure doesn't properly describe Bischoff's reign - I'd think "dictatorship" is more fitting. Storm and Morley try to double team RVD, but he fights out by himself. Meanwhile, Booker and HBK have themselves a "we're faces having a match tonight" moment.

: Scott again: "I wonder if Booker remembers when Shawn kicked him out of the new World order…I wonder if ANYONE remembers that" I don't…do YOU?

: HBK and Ivory visit some troops, who seem excited to see them. It's nice to see that. Cut to JR and the King, who is wearing one hideous shirt. Hooray for our troops kicking ass in Iraq! Now let's hope those chemicals we found today were really dangerous weapons, so France can look REALLY stupid!

: I Hate Scott Steiner comes on out, and I can't tell how the crowd is reacting to him. And we get the rematch we all were waiting for, as Nowinski comes out to talk to us. Nowinski puts together a tortured metaphor between Steiner and America, and instead displays that liberal viewpoint that he undoubtedly learned from Harvard. Of course, he's perfectly right in his opinion about the war, but this gets him some brutal heel heat. Steiner, not one to let free speech ring, sneak attacks Steiner and beats on him. Clubbering by Steiner that makes Nowinski look like such a sad, pathetic bastard. Steiner picks him up and slams him on the ramp (ouch). And now we get the Crappy Submission Move on the ramp, for fun. Well, so much for a match. Ah, we, the viewers, still win. And we get to win again as Goldberg arrives! Everyone around goes "it's Goldberg" in hushed tones that I suppose they only save for, like, the President or Jesus or somebody.

: Tony Stewart has all the charisma of warm milk, and compared to Big Show, who (wrestling ability aside) certainly has charisma when he wants to use it, he looks all the worse. Yeah, I'm sure you wanted to know my stance on this issue.

: SABLE ARGH

again: JR and King talk about Goldberg, which leads into a video package about Mr. Cold Frosty Brew himself. A quick look at the NCAA title game shows Syracuse up 32-17, which is, to say the least, surprising. The video package, well done as usual, gives us the best of Goldberg in that…other federation. And here's The Rock and Christian, who the Rock immediately insinuates is gay. But Christian only wants an autograph on his Scorpion King DVD. Not to him, but to…Christian. Haha. The Rock, as usual, is hilarious. Something about Christian bothers the Rock - he doesn't seize the day. He's got to go out there and take advantage, own the room (not Rock's room), become a "born-again" Christian, so to speak. Hey, you know, this could possibly lead to a WWF Intercontinental Title push for Christian…you know, if it was still around. Ahem, anyhow, Christian insinuates that Goldberg (according to the people) will kick his ass, but the Rock ain't having it. Now we get Jeff and Trish smooching, and we've got ourselves a match next.

: I'll bet Carrot Top gives the creepiest massages. Yes, you saw what I typed.

: WWF Rewind (brought to you by Jamie Kennedy's Stupid Movie) is Rock and Goldberg's first meeting. And here comes The Rock, who appears to have gotten rid of all his hair. He jawjacks with the fans on the way down, including a funny "fat kid" motion on the ramp. I've noticed that the Rock doesn't do the "smell the crowd" thing on the turnbuckle anymore, probably because what he'd smell wouldn't be to his liking. Jeff Hardy, looking like the world's most coked-up white African tribesman, comes out and promptly gets beat on by The Rock. Rocky chant, because he's just too awesome. Jeff tries to fight back, but Rock cheats and pummels away. Nasty reverse elbow, and Rock busts a move. Whip, crossbody by Jeff, and now he gets some sucky offense in. Into the corner, Rock comes flying out with that awesome clothesline of his and makes his pecs do the nasty to a mixed reaction. He beats on Hardy, pausing to point at a fan that's giving him static. Choking on the bottom rope. Check out the dingus in the second row with the ugly US flag singlet! Rock dances again, but the spit punch is blocked, and Jeff gets another 5 seconds of offense before being put back down. Big ol suplex gets 2. Why isn't Trish out here, anyway? Jeff fights back, whip reversed, Rock eats an elbow, and Jeff hits a seated dropkick. Double countout. Rock gets up, still jawing with the fans. Jeff gets a sloppy double leg takedown, and the Rock kicks out. Jeff tries to fight back, Rock tosses him out, but Jeff hangs on and hits a jawbreaker, and gets a springboard moonsault. Better double leg gets the two legs to the crotch, and Jeff puts the Rock down a couple times. Jeff tries for Whisper In The Wind, but Rock moves out of the way and takes a breather. He is just busting out every heel tactic in the book to get boos. Jeff gets a neckbreaker (with Rock's help), and off comes the shirt to the adulation of the teenage girls. And he gets his own version of TMEMISE! Rock, being the Rock, sells it better than anyone sells HIS own version of TMEMISE. Swanton bomb…HITS! But Rock kicks out, and I think we know how this match is ending. Fans are chanting, and I'm not sure for who. Whip reverse, DDT, and that FAST AS HELL kipup sets up the Rock Bottom pose. And there it is. We have a winner, folks. Good match, although a few more minutes would've been nice. And Jeff gets sent over the top for his troubles. Rock on the mic. Goldberg chant now. The Rock tells Goldberg to just bring it…BITCH! And indeed, said bitch is coming to bring it! You think he just wanders around, waiting for the Rock to call him out? And with his own camera crew for that particular moment? Big old pyro goes off, and here he is. Staredown, and the Rock…talks. Hahaha, he builds up a Rock/Goldberg match at Backlash, and with a "nah" takes off. That was great. Christian? What the hell? Goldberg spears him, the Rock sneak attacks and sets up for the Rock Bottom…but Goldberg no-sells and the Rock beats himself a hasty retreat. The "whoops, my bad, dawg, I'll go now" look on Rock's face as he leaves made me crack up. Did JR say "chicken shit"? We're getting another Rock/Austin buildup for this match, but who cares, the Rock is totally carrying this feud.

: Back to the game, and Kansas has cut the lead to 10. I'm guessing the winner of this game will be the team that chokes last. And back to the wrestling, we see the Rock after the break, taking off in a hurry. Terri wants to know why the Rock said no to a match with Cold Beer, and Rock says simply "because" and takes off…into the snow, with that shirt only, I guess. BOOM pyro hey it's Kane. He's gonna face the Studley Boyz in a handicap match, for those that don't remember. I assume they're fighting, besides the storyline reason, to see who has the worse theme song. Kane hits Buh Buh with a side suplex and D-Von with a sidewalk slam for two. Kane gets to work over D-Von as the crowd dies. D-Von gets a flying clothesline and tags in Buh Buh as the announcers talk about Austin. Buh Buh gets beat on, but D-Von turns the tide by crotching Kane on one of the posts. Buh Buh takes over, crowd's still dead. Elbows get 2. Punches, crowd chants "tables" - I guess they couldn't bother to chant the rest? Man, THIS is the city that was so rabid for Austin/Dude Love 5 years ago? Kane fights back from double teaming and hits Air Kane on D-Von for 2. Chokeslam for Buh Buh? No. Double chokeslam? No. 3D instead, and that will do it. This? Not a good match. D-Von goes for a table, but RVD comes out to prevent his partner's honor from being sullied. ***** for Buh Buh, but Storm stops it AGAIN and Buh Buh gets a side slam on RVD as Morley comes out. Kane tries to cover up RVD, but D-Von gets rid of him with a chairshot, and Morley hits the Bischoff Shot. RVD gets a top rope Van Daminator from Storm. Another 3D from Kane. The Duds still don't look happy about all this. And now for something completely different. Test is still pissed at Goldust for messing up his relationship with Stacy, which has led to him having to make love to Five Finger Lucy for a week instead of the real goods. Well, Test didn't say that, but I think that can be safely assumed.

: What kind of stupid band name is Cold? I guess the kind of band that makes terrible songs like the one for Backlash. In the back, Goldust tries to straighten things out. Test: "As far as Playboys go, I've never seen one of those magazines before!" Poor Test, he's being ratted on by a guy with a terrible gimmick. This is going to lead to a match, which will break the record for Worst Way To Set Up…never mind that shit, because here comes Austin in his pickup truck! No, wait, it's Bischoff. I could tell because the fans closest to the truck were booing when they could actually see who was inside. Well, uh, that was…oh God, now he's going to talk. Fans chant WHAT while Bischoff blabbers on about this and that and what's up his ass. So how many times has this been in the last few months that the WWF has bait and switched (even if it was obvious) on the fans? Of course, I'd have less of a problem with this if it wasn't stupid ass Eric Bischoff talking about it. Let's go back to last Monday, where JR gives us his opinion on Bisch. King tries to reason with JR, but no can do. Great, now we'll get the Coach for the rest of the night. "JR" chant. Of course, JR refuses to recant. Aw crap, he "quit". Now we'll get the Coach for even longer! Bischoff yells "fired" a lot. Well, uh…

: Yes, JR still quit. King's by himself, and he gets to tell us what just happened. Oh man, is he going to call the show himself? Here comes Goldust, ready to face Steven Richards with his psychotic ward Victoria. What does Steven need that goofy soundbite before his theme for? Steve chops, Goldust chops. Dipsy doodle whip into a neckbreaker, and Steven goes to work. Suplex gets 2. We get a resthold, and okay here comes Coach to lend his dulcet tones. I hate Coach, but at least he can do PBP. Goldust gets his ugly bulldog, but Steven fights back (with ugly selling from Goldust). Butt bump from Goldust for 2. This match is uninspired. Steven blocks the setup for Shattered Dreams (psychology?), but runs into a sorta spinebuster for 2. Goldust goes for the Curtain Call, but it's countered into an ugly X-Factor for 2. Victoria goes for the bell (oh, she's looking for her belt), and Steven runs into a powerslam (the Shock Treatment? What the hell?) for the victory. Steven and Victoria have issues, and get double noggin knockered. And backstage, HHH and Jericho stare lovingly into each others eyes while Flair acts as mediation. Haha, Jericho called him "Trip". "The Highlight of the Night" is not getting over, get over it, Jericho. "Bury Booker T", shoot comments that aren't meant to be such kind of comments, blah blah blah. And it's another Goldberg promo, promising that he will indeed fight at Backlash. Well, if not the Rock, then who? Rodney Mack? Oh wait, that's a rhetorical question. Right?

: Great, French guys. And at the right time, too! The Jericho Countdown begins now, so I'm guessing we're gonna get some pretty good time for this main event. Game Update: 57-54, Orangemen. Make that 59-54. Back to Raw, we see the interminable beatdown that set up tonight's tag match. The Longest Entrance Ever gives me opportunity to switch back to the title game. I'm sorry, but if Kansas isn't winning by this point, I can't see them winning the game. There's just too much choke history there. But we shall see. Back to Raw, and HHH hasn't even made it to the ring. Back to the game, Kansas is back within 3 again and the teams just swapped steals, leading to a Carmelo Anthony 3 to put Syracuse back up 6. Oh fine, I guess I'll watch Raw. I'm thinking that with these long ass entrances, the match may be shorter than I'd hoped. Here comes Booker T, still wearing that pineapple hairdo. HHH's entrance took three freakin minutes, Booker takes just one. COINCIDENCE?????? And here's HBK, actually wrestling a match on Raw. They waste no time in coming in, and the dance partners square off. Booker sends HHH to the outside, Jericho gets slingshotted out, and here comes HBK with a plancha on both. HBK sends HHH win, and Booker goes to work. Ten punch count, and HHH steals Flair's "atomic drop gets blocked into a clothesline" spot. Booker applies an armbar, and HBK comes in on the arm. Psychology, hurrah. HHH fights out and tags in Jericho, who eats a hiptoss. Whip, club to the back, and Jericho tags in the champ to do some kicking. Booker tries to cheat, and it gets HBK out. Forearm from HBK, and he kips up and does soundcheck, but Jericho comes in, but HBK hits him, but the superkick is ducked, but HHH gets backdropped in lieu of the Pedigree, and Flair pulls down the rope to send out HBK. And we cut to a limo, which will 99.99999% hold Diesel, and now a break. Thanks, guys!

: How sad is it that the WWF has gone from having Ahnold on (albeit for one of his lesser movies) to having ads for Rob Zombie's movie? Back to the game, Kansas has turned the choke machine back on and the lead is back to 9. And we're back to the match. Coach promises the action in the ring was fast and furious, which really would piss off the people that didn't get to see it. HBK is getting doubleteamed by the bad guys, which is probably a smart move considering his health. Jericho chokes HBK out with…something, and when Booker comes in he gets called for cheating. Oh, it's his wrist tape. Jericho mocks HBK and gets a cover for 2. Knife edges to HBK. More choking. Whip, HBK gets a crossbody for 2. Jericho comes back with a lariat, and in comes Hunter, split ends and all. HHH goes to the sleeper. I flip to The Daily Show, which has reclaimed its title as Best Show on Television with the return of Steve Carell. Oh, fine, back to the match, and HHH gets a pinfall for 2. HBK gets dragged back to the evil corner, and Jericho goes to work on HBK's left knee, yelling stuff as he does so. HBK fights back, whip reversed, leg lariat and Jericho does the Ali Shuffle. His fruity bulldog sets up the Lionsault, but he eats knee instead. Hot tag time? Yes! Booker comes in, and we get a slugfest. Big old forearm by Booker, chops aplenty, whip into a backdrop, big roundhouse kick gets 2. Into the corner, whip reversed, Booker flies up, gets a DDT for 2. Jericho comes in and gets flapjacked. Spinebuster for the champ gets 2. Jericho goes up and over the top rope, as does HHH, and Booker T is ready for Breakin 3: Even More Electric Boogaloo! Jericho off the top, eats a fist to the gut, HHH gets some, but Jericho gets the Liontamer! And here's HBK with Sweet Chin Music! HHH back in, scissors kick misses, HHH goes for the Pedigree, Booker takes him down, floats over, and gets the pin! Okay match, good ending. Flair comes in and of course they go to work on the knee. HBK comes in and fights both Flair and HHH, but here's Jericho with a chairshot. HBK bleeds for his art, and Jericho produces some handcuffs to cuff HBK to the top rope! It's The Hurricane! He gets to beat on Flair before the New Two Man Power Trip dispose of him. Jericho goes for a chairshot…and here comes Kevin Nash, to his old Diesel music. Watch him lumber! Watch him step over the top rope! Watch him boot Flair and Jericho! HHH, always the smart one, slides out and lets the other two get their asses beat. Didn't he dye his hair black? Jericho gets the honor of the powerbomb. And here's HHH in, with the sledgehammer. Staredown. HHH drops the sledgehammer, and slides out. Whoopee. So…is he Diesel? Just Kevin Nash? Hey, a Citizen Kane effect on HHH in the Titantron, and we're out! Enjoy CSI, you night birds!

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