1) Brock Lesnar may have a harder neck than anyone could have ever speculated,
2) Shawn Michaels still has a little gas left in the tank,
3) The Rock is awesomely awesome and all the dorks that boo him for him going to Hollywood, irritating as it may be, do not deserve him, and
4) Somehow, some way, HHH will make me want to kill him.
But enough negativity! It's POST-WRESTLEMANIA RAW TIME!
Reminder: whoistonyling@hotmail.com
:
A video package of Wrestlemania. Good grief, that crowd looks so awesomely
awesome. By the way, for those that don't know, Limp Bizkit are now going as
limpbizkit. Yeah, I bet you didn't want to know that. Look at the horrible
tights on HHH! Ugly purple tights aside, I really wish I'd seen Wrestlemania. It
got good reviews across the board (even Scott Keith, who HAD to toss in some
negativity for the sake of him being a horse's ass, liked it), and at least two
of the matches piqued my fancy. But that was LAST night - what does the WWF have
in store for us tonight? Hopefully a Raw title change! Okay, maybe not.
:
We are LIVE from the Key Arena in Seattle, WA, where just about two and a half
years ago Pearl Jam played one of the best shows of their career. And hey it's The
Rock, polishing his glasses! Some dude (Fernando? YOU LOOK MAHVELOUS)
is here to apply makeup, but the Rock don't need it for his Appreciation Night!
Oh, okay, maybe just a little. Boo all you want, the Rock still looks great! 
:
And there's the glass, here comes a rather unhappy looking Rattlesnake to
tell us that (most likely) he's ending his career in the WWF. Or something to
that effect. I'll tell you what, Austin will most definitely be missed. Prime of
his career or not, he is the guy who got me back into wrestling and has provided
some of my most favorite moments ever (the title change on Raw with Kane,
Backlash 2000). Austin outlines his history with the Rock, politely allowing the
crowd to chant WHAT at him. He admits that Rock was the better man last night,
but not tonight! Austin asks Rock to come on down and shake his hand, just for
the sake of appreciation. But instead we get His Lameassness himself,
here to call Austin a vengeful bastard and insinuate (horrors!) that he might
beat on the Rock tonight. Oh lord, something bad is going to go down. Something
about a secret…oh dear God, this can't be good. Apparently Austin was in the
hospital last night, but why? Oh right, the neck, didn't know about that. Big
medical terms bore the crowd. It's sad to hear just how terribly injured Austin
is, assuming this is true (and why wouldn't it be). Hey, something Austin and
Sean Shannon have in common! (thanks, James) It seems like Austin has been
barred from wrestling. Austin asks Bisch to come on down, and Eric politely
declines. Austin tells us that no damn doctor would keep him from the ring. Eric
says "liability". Did he just fire Austin? Yeah, he did. Sigh.
"FedEx" for all you smart marks. And that's it for the segment. Boy,
this ought to get on the crowd's good side!
:
It's funny that those Truth dorks are trying to spread the word about tobacco,
and all the kids want is some fucking ice cream. How stupid can these guys get?
:
Austin, looking stoic. And my mood drops to absolute zero as HHH comes
out…to wrestle a match? Boy, I can't wait to see what loser HHH squashes to
reaffirm how great he is. So there will be no rematch, then. Whoopee. I hope he
is still holding that crap belt when Raw's drawing 1.5 ratings and Goldberg has
come and gone right to Smackdown and Maven is the #1 contender for his belt.
Speaking of which, the announcers talk about Goldberg in the WWF. SPIT ROAR fuck
you. I'm the last guy that wants to compare himself to Scott Keith and his
horrible hairdo, but my hatred for HHH is starting to rival even his. Oh good,
here comes The Hurricane to be Designated Guy Who Gets His Ass Beat. JR
talks about the HHH/Booker T match as Hurricane gives a mask to a little kid
just to remind us of how great Bret Hart was. Ric Flair, ever the awesome heel,
takes the mask away, leading Hurricane to attack him and HHH to attack HIM. And
here we go. Hurricane tries for the chokeslam right away, but HHH sends him out.
Helms comes back in, whip, reversed, and a spinebuster. God. Into the corner,
whip sends in Helms hard. Chop as JR and Lawler rush to tell us how like Flair
HHH is. I mean, besides selling and good moves and shit. Suplex reversed into a
corner push, and a sorta-neckbreaker from Hurricane. Flying clotheslines, Mutoh
kick gets 2. Whip, reverse, nice spinning DDT from Helms. Superhero pose! Flair
cheats! Bet this leads to the finish! Helms dropkicks Flair, and as Flair
distracts the ref Helms actually hits the chokeslam for 2! Flair gets nailed!
Cross body gets 2. I guess I was wrong about the finish. Roll of the Dice
reversed, Pedigree into a backdrop, Helms tries HIS own Pedigree which is
reversed, and Helms gets the Roll of the Dice for 2. Whip, reverse, HHH misses a
clothesline, Helms misses something as the crowd chants for him, and the
Pedigree makes me sad. Well, points for effort, and at least Hurricane looked
decentish, so maybe they're not giving up on him yet. And now here's RVD and
Kane to make us forget that the Hurricane, you know, fought hard and stuff
against the champ. Oooh, is THIS the breakup they were trying to build to a
month ago? RVD tells us they got a rematch with no outside interference tonight,
but if they lost they'd join the Bischoff team. Hey, thanks for letting me know
the finish in advance! Kane is dubious, RVD calm and collected.
:
Goldberg promo. Either they fuck this up worse than the new World order, or
it'll…still be fucked up, but not on that scale. Crowd cheers, I guess.
:
Public service announcement: do yourself a favor on June 10th and buy Radiohead's
new album, Hail to the Thief. Ignore the sucky title, revel in the incredible
music. Come on, people, we gotta start a movement here!:
Godhesuckszilla comes out to the usual less than enthused reaction.
Lawler makes a nice and racist joke about the cops coming after Booker T (I know
he was arrested, that was still in less than not poor taste). The announcers
talk about Torrie in Playboy as Chris Nowinski (he's still alive?) comes
out with a protective face mask to diss the fans on the mic pre-match. He brings
up Scott graduating from my soon-to-be alma mater, Michigan. Chris asks Scott to
leave his pretty face alone, Scott is not enthused. The look on his face as
Chris slides the mask slowly back on is funny. Chris tries to run, even using a
security guy to save himself, to no avail. Scott punches him RIGHT in the face,
drags him in and basically beats the ungodly hell out of him. Bicep kiss ->
elbow get 2. Boots to Harvard's finest, and some clubbing blows. Chop (woo), but
he puts his head down and Nowinski takes advantage to make some people think he
might actually win. A corner charge leads to a boot in the face, and a belly to
belly gets 2. Overhead belly to belly puts Chris on his head, and Scott punches
him right in the face again, sans mask. Replay shows that Chris landed pretty
hard on his neck. Steiner Recliner gets the win. JR is still in shock from
Austin's firing, so much so that he can't kiss Scott's butt! Teri comes
out to interview Austin, who seems depressed. You know what'd cheer him up,
having himself a singalong in the ring with the Rock!:
Doctor Satan? DOCTOR SATAN? Rob Zombie, congratulations, you have
birthed the most unsubtle character name in the history of moving pictures on
film.:
A Rock Appreciation Moment: Some of the Rock's greatest hits. I tell you what, I
am really going to miss him when he's gone for another 6 months. Something else
I miss, the days when I could listen to JR without being tired of him. JR
goes on a tirade on Bischoff, while Lawler looks on. Booker T and Jericho are
going to battle tonight! Nothing like watching two losers that should have won
instead fight each other for the title of Best Loser! And now here are the Dudleys
to reaffirm their angle. Here comes the (unworthy) tag champs to tell
us what we already know. Except with a twist: it's a three way dance! But oh,
the Dudleys get to soften up the challengers for the champs to win. Hey, an
interesting (if obvious) twist to the angle. And Booker gets taped up in
the back, and here comes Flair to mock him. Booker takes umbrage and
yells stuff at him. Poor Flair's face turns fire engine red before Booker lets
him go. Lawler mentions the police again. I shake my head in shame.:
Ashanti sang America the Beautiful at WM. That's nice. Go us! And here's 3
Minute Warning in the ring, not even worthy of a full intro. Maven comes
on down, and the crowd sort of makes an attempt to care. Him vs Rosie, I can't
wait. Big ol' shoulderblock from Rosie, chop doesn't even get a "whoo",
ahahaha. Choke against the rope, Rico cheats. Whip, Rosie misses, forearm by
Maven. This crowd is really trying to care. Maven sorta dropkicks…oh, fuck, I
can't say it. This match is terrible. Rollup gets 2. I think Rosie was supposed
to knock Rico off the apron, but it didn't work at all. Sunset flip gets 3. Wow,
thanks for wasting my life. And now let's waste some more time to watch Lawler
shoot photos at Playboy. I get a smile from one of the models giving a weak
chuckle as she relates King talking about the "puppies". :
Why doesn't anyone ever talk about Diamonds Are Forever as being a step
forward for gays in cinema? I mean, that villain couple that worked for the bad
guy, those dudes made history! Right? Right?:
Chris Jericho reaffirms that he's an evil bastard at WM. And now a nice
segue into the first main event, Booker T vs Chris Jericho. Well, we saw them
have some good WCW matches, certainly this one should be good too. Jericho has
the mic, so expect him to do something like pretend to be serious and then NOT!
Jericho tells us that he had a great match, one of the best WM ever saw. From
what I hear, that's no exaggeration. Jericho thanks Shawn, and asks HBK to do
the same by bringing out the best in him, even though Jericho totally was better
than him (in defeat). I guess he got the last laugh at WM, despite getting
pinned. "Highlight of the night", yeah, that ought to catch on. Booker's
theme song ends Jericho's ranting and raving. Booker comes out, head looking
like a pineapple, to the approbation of the crowd. I will go out on a limb and
say that the 2nd main event will be Rock and Goldberg having themselves a
donnybrook. Jericho attacks Booker from behind, and away we go. Slugfest in the
corner, and Jericho goes right to the knee without bothering to take off his
horrendous jacket. Bad form, Jericho! Mr. Blackstone will NOT be pleased! Booker
sends Jericho over the top with a kick to the ass, and back in Booker chops
away. Jericho goes to the knee, of course, and goes to work on it. Rollup by
Booker gets 2. Fans chant TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Thank you, Canada! More chops from
Booker, big kick to the face on the bad leg, and Booker sells. Jericho gets his
pansy bulldog, yells at the crowd, Lionsault misses. This match is going at a
crisp pace. Kick to the face sends Jericho down. And Flair comes in to
make sure that we won't get ANY good wrestling tonight. Jericho attacks from
behind and he and Flair go to work, as HHH lumbers down. HHH talks smack,
and gives HHH a Pedigree. And not even Flair pulling out a figure four can make
me not pissed. HBK comes out, yeehaw. Watch him clean house! Watch him
take out HHH! Watch the Internet yell about the Clique tomorrow while I keep
myself from vomiting when I read all that crap! Jericho stops HBK in mid-band
warmup, and now HHH and Jericho go to work on the faces. Backbreaker, of course.
Jericho does the HBK pose before slapping in the Walls. Booker fights back, but
nobody fights back against the champ! Can the WWF possibly kill this crowd any
more? Can they? Indian Deathlock on Booker. Haha, HBK didn't even bother to spit
out his gum while selling. And that's the segment. The beatdown, honest to God,
lasted longer than the fucking match. Remind me again why I watch this show?:
Let's show you what has pissed me off the most about this Raw. Here comes…uh,
the Human Glowstick. JR plugs the Hardys' book, which I hope will finally
answer my question about Jeff wearing facepaint in OMEGA, since none of you
dorks will! What the, Steven's theme starts with him yelling "I'll
show you, you'll see!" What is he, a dorky B-movie villain? It's so sad to
me that 6 years ago Stevie Richards was my favorite wrestler on the face of the
earth (I have the bWo t-shirt to prove it), and now he's a piece of crap joke
midcarder. Jeff hits a seated dropkick, but Victoria keeps him from the
railing run, which Jeff would probably blow anyway. Jeff tries something off the
top, and sends himself another day closer to being crippled. Armbar takedown
gets two, and Steven goes to an armbar, yelling his stupid catchphrase (and
getting covered in Jeff's stupid dye, making him look like he's getting
hypothermia in some places). Jeff gets a jawbreaker to fight out, punches, that
mule kick he does, half-assed leg lariat gets 2. Victoria distracts Jeff, but he
recovers to get the double leg groin crotch, then his double leg
hold-your-legs-down-for-a-pin thingy. Ten punch count blocked, Jeff
gets…something, then goes up top. Victoria holds him down, and Trish
comes out to stop her. Steven gets knocked down, and Jeff hits the Swanton for
the first time in months for the victory. What's going on with Jeff and Trish?
Something that will undoubtedly lead to something…great! What, you thought I'd
say "stupid"? How about we just wait and see before we comment on
whether or not something will fail or succeed! God, you people! And Austin takes
off, head down, as the crowd boos. Sigh.:
Rock Moment: A compilation of Rock talking smack to various people. My previous
comment in the last Rock moment still stands. And there's Test talking on his
cellie to some sugar momma…and here's Stacy. In the background, Goldust does
stuff. Test and Stacy have themselves a little marital spat, and
Test drags Goldust in to affirm his story, but that stuttering
ffffffreeeeeeeeeak blows the whole thing. Wow, comedy truly worthy of Benny
Hill. :
The Rock comes walking around, calling for Austin, but he's gone. This
makes the Rock sad, because Austin was supposed to stay for HIS appreciation
night! But have no fear, Rock's still here! He gives the tech guys a pep talk,
in his own inimitable style. And after the show, they're gonna go partying! The
tech guys seem dubious. And JR says "dodge the bullet", which I assume
made something snap in Scott Christ's head.:
WM Moment: the WWF kissing its own ass for setting an attendance record. And
it's tag team action! RVD and Kane work on the champs, to
cheers from the crowd. RVD takes out 3 guys with a nice somersault plancha, and
Kane comes over the top to take out 4 guys, proving he is far better than RVD.
Fans chant for RVD anyway, so maybe that message didn't quite get across. RVD
and D-Von do a little wrestling, I guess to prove that they can. D-Von tags in
Buh Buh, RVD tags in Kane. Slugfest in the middle of the ring. WHAT IS GOING ON
drop gets 2. Kane does stuff, RVD comes back in. I'm sorry, but I have a few AIM
conversations going on and this match isn't holding my interest too much. RVD is
just giving kicks to EVERYBODY. His half of Rolling Thunder gets 2. Buh Buh goes
to work on RVD, but RVD comes back with a springboard kick, up top for the
*****, but instead gets to eat mat. Kane goes hard into the steps, and Morley
tries to cheat, but D-Von won't let him use a chair. Buh Buh pulls Morley out of
the way of a D-Von chairshot, though, saving their jobs, and RVD gets the Van
Daminator to eliminate the Duds. If this leads to the Dudleys splitting, I'll be
annoyed. And now, a commercial break? I thought it was a tag elimination match.
Eh, whatever. This angle is at least getting sorta interesting.:
And we're back. Guess we didn't really miss anything, did we? The champs are
working over RVD. Morley pulls out rolling vertical suplexes, and does some
goofy strutting for reasons I can't quite ascertain. Kane breaks the count.
Double team elbow gets two. Lance gets a nice slide into the Maple Leaf Crab.
Morley makes a funny face as RVD tries to fight out. He gets to the ropes, but
Lance drags him back out, and RVD gets up, misses the enzuiguiri, and catches
him with a mule kick. In comes Kane to dominate. Backdrops aplenty.
Clotheslines. Big boot on Storm, sidewalk slam for Morley gets 2. Storm goes
outside, tilt a whirl gets 2. I think Storm's the legal man, but who's counting?
Kane goes on up top, and Air Kane gets 2. RVD comes off the top and I think
makes contact with his kick. Kane whips Morley into an RVD kick. Storm sends RVD
outside, and the champs double team Kane, but only get 2. More double teaming,
but Kane fights back and gets a double chokeslam. In comes RVD! RVD's going up
top! *****! I thought for sure Kane was turning, but hey, that's why I don't
write for a bigger, crappier site! And we have ourselves new tag team champions!
I sure don't know anything about wrestling, do I? But hey, at least I can admit
that I'm wrong at times! JR says "unlikely partners" - how unlikely
can they be now that they've been tagging for so long? Oh, who gives a crap,
let's savor the moment! And here's Bischoff to tell us the biggest surprise is
yet to come…gee, I wonder if HE'S NEXT?:
Main event for next week's Raw: HBK/Booker vs HHH/Jericho. So maybe we're
getting Backlash rematches? And here comes that unbelievable Rock intro,
so great that you have no choice but to hate it. They've got out the red carpet
ring for the Rock, who is here for us to appreciate him in all his glory and
splendor. Rock, of course, is amused by all that he surveys. And now he's got
the stick - prepare for something special! The fans are cheering him! Even the
boos are being slightly drowned out, amazingly. "FINALLY…" Oh, and
NOW here comes the boos. Thanks for nothing, you asshole fans.
"FINALLY…" more booing from these plebians. YOU SUCK chant now.
Dueling ROCKY/ROCKY SUCKS chants. "FINALLY…THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO
Seeeeeeee….to Seeeeeeeeee…to see all you jabronis show appreciation to the
Great One!" Ha. Dueling chants again. Rock's really sorry that Austin got
fired, what a guy. They had themselves quite the match at Wrestlemania, so he
says. Rock, just so we don't forget that he's a heel, makes a big show out of
the three Rock Bottoms that beat Austin. Remember, there's no shame in losing to
the Rock! When you start losing to Maven, then you got yourself a problem. He
threatens violence on a fan that flipped him off, and the crowd cheers this.
Rock is pulling out all the stops to keep himself as a heel. Ugh, the ripoff
version of Kashmir by Puffy gets to play over this incredibly awesome Rock video
package. God almighty, Puffy's a worse singer than I thought was even possible.
Just in case you needed the greatness of Rocky put into perspective, that video
package should have done it nicely. Fans chant ROCKY again. And now they chant
Goldberg…without prompting, even! Haha "Ira Goldberg, the Rock's
accountant". Well played, Rocky. Well played. And apparently now that Rock
has conquered the WWF, Austin, Hollywood, and the fans don't appreciate him
(very true, you dicks), the Rock is declaring his retirement…? And now they're
booing him. Seriously, these people are so stupid. And now strike up the
military march, it's Goldberg time! Let's watch him walk through the arena! Rock
gives us his "ain't no thang" smile, but it certainly is a thang -
it's (pardon me, CRZ) COLD BEER! They have themselves a staredown, and
Rock looks rather nonplussed. BIG Goldberg chant, guess the fans haven't
forgotten. Ah, Goldberg on the stick. Catchphrase, spear on the Rock! Rock, oh
so great, sells it like God poked him with his God Poking Stick. Goldberg leaves
the ring, and the fans are chanting away! And that's all! Good night, everybody!STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: 1996-2003