WWE SmackDown! - 06/24/04
by Tom Feely

Hey, sorry about the comparative lateness of this. I watched the NBA draft instead of this on first airing (p.s. you suck Magic OKAFOR AND GORDON 4EVA), and my series of backup plans pretty much failed and I wound up transcribing a report via paper and pencil off of TiVo and then typing it out, well, now. No exact match times or tremendous detail or anything, sorry. This'll be more Scott Keith than CRZ, except without the sucking. But I'll be back to my usual standards next week, I promise. Unless there's some other big sports-related thing.

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Last week, insert another Heyman/Undertaker video package here.

hey yo it's...no intro, but instead JOHN CENA talking to someone we don't see, and appreciating their concern, but he's got it under control. The camera pans out and it's, okay, CHARLIE HAAS and MISS JACKIE. They don't think he knows what he's getting into, and Haas calls whatever it is suicide. Cena walks out to ringside as Cole announces that we are (two days later than) LIVE from Orlando, FL.

And here, with music, is John Cena. Cement mixer is still where it was last week, only now red white and blue. Fatal four-way on Sunday! Cena wants them to kill the music. Crowd likes Cena quite a bit. He reaffirms everyone thinking whatever this is being suicide. And then he refers to being tombstoned last week. He respects the 'taker legacy, but he's a MAN, and he demands an explanation. Instead he gets MR. KURT ANGLE, crippled, and being wheeled out by Luther Reigns. Angle, in addition to being crippled, is also smiley. :). Cena calls him "lumpy". Angle says he's never been this happy before, and thinks that Cena was right about him wanting to be Cena. So he came up with a rap! We can only hope that it lives up to the amazing standard set by "I Don't Suck (Really)". Cena threatens that, if this rap is in fact wack, he will smack Angle's eye crooked and send him out of town like T-Mac. Angle: "I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin' neck, I think I can handle a little...HIP-HOP." And he does, though Luther fails to beatbox. GET DOWN WIT YO BAD SELF, KURT:

My name is Kurt Angle
I tried to be nice
I'm an Olympic gold medalist
Not some weak Vanilla Ice
Which is why I'm happy
I no longer have the blues
Because this Sunday, Cena
You're gonna lose
I think it's quite sad
Maybe even tragic
That you'll be a bigger loser
Than the Orlando Magic! Bye bye T-Mac!
You think you're so slick
Like a pool of grease
But tonight, John Cena
You're gonna REST IN PEACE.

Why? Because, gasp, tonight, John Cena will face the Undertaker. What a rocketbuster. Hahahaha Angle waves goodbye and says "Word life."

UP NEXT! Chavo Guerrero, Sho Funaki, Jamie Noble, Akio, Billy Kidman, Paul London, Shannon Moore, Nunzio, Scotty II Hotty, and Spike Dudley in a 10-man Battle Royal to see who faces Rey Mysterio for the Cruiserweight Title at the Great American Bash!

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Oh, but wait, as SCOTTY II HOTTY enters the ring (announced by JASON? JUSTIN? CUBS KNOWS ROBERTS (yes - thecubsfan)), here's Angle and Reigns in the former's office. And heeeere's JOHN BRAD$HAW LAYFIELD, who praises Angle as "a shining example for wheelchair-bound people all across the world." JBL wants Angle to handly Eddy how he handled Cena, and this results in them deciding on Eddy vs. Luther later tonight.

AKIO, BILLY KIDMAN, CHAVO GUERRERO (213, El Paso, TX), FUNAKI, JAMIE NOBLE, NUNZIO, PAUL LONDON, SCOTTY II HOTTY, SHANNON MOORE and SPIKE DUDLEY in a 10-man Battle Royal for #1 Contendership for the Cruiserweight Title
But first here's REY MYSTERIO to commentate this matchup. As he makes his way to ringside, we flash back to his title victory last week over Chavo Classic. The bell rings, and...uh...everyone's beating each other up. And I keep thinking Akio is Matt Hardy over in the back corner. Spike tries to back suplex London about a minute in, but London flips out and dropkicks Spike into Nunzio, who backbody drops Spike out and eliminates him. London throws Nunzio out right after, but the referee is still tending to Spike, and Nunzio slides back in unnoticed. Rey to Tazz: "Is that what Italians do?" "Hey, don't even go there, with the Mexicans." Nunzio takes over on London, Akio on Shannon, Chavo on Funaki. Nunzio charges on London and eats boot, then charges him again and eats turnbuckle. London crotches Nunzio on the top rope, then springboard, uh, kick to the chests him to the floor about three minutes in. Then Noble and Chavo come over and beat the hell out of London. They dump him out, but as he tries to skin the cat, Nunzio grabs his legs and unceremoniously splats him onto the floor, which apparently counts as an official elimination. Look for Nunzio/London next week on Velocity. Funaki and Scotty are ganging up on Chavo. Shannon charges Akio in the corner, but gets flipped onto the apron and then kicked right in the fucking head. Shannon holds on, however, and takes both Akio and himself to the floor with a flying headscissors. Funaki's in the final five! Chavo tries to remedy this by trying to knocking Funaki off the apron, but he falls prey to a Scotty bulldog. W-O-R-M complete with Rey giving the Spanish letters, ducks a Noble clothesline and superkicks him, then in a cruel twist of fate has another superkick ducked by Kidman and gets dropkicked out. FUNAKI IN THE FINAL FOUR! Oh, wait, Kidman irish whips Chavo into Funaki to knock him off the apron and take him out. Kidman takes over on Chavo and Noble, culminating in a headlocker takeover/headscissors combo. Chavo throws Kidman into a Noble german suplex, neat. Chavo and Noble formally form an alliance and kick the crap out of Kidman. They throw him out but he fights his way off the apron. So they just punch and stomp him some more. Another Kidman comeback, cut short when he misses a dropkick. Thrown out again, but again lands on the apron and finds his way in. Kidman ducks a double clothesline and comes back with one of his own. Kidman tries to throw out Noble, ad Chavo tries to throw out both of them, but both efforts are futile. Still doubleteaming, and they put Kidman backwards on the top rope. Chavo goes for a back superplex and gets elbowed off. So Noble pulls him down into the tree of woe, and signals for Chavo to charge him. And when he does, Noble clotheslines him. Bahahaha. He throws Chavo out, but Chavo hangs on without him noticing. Kidman takes over on Noble in the corner, but Noble manages to get Kidman set up for the Tiger Driver. Kidman slingshots Noble out of it, but Noble lands on the second rope and...gets blindsided and eliminated by Chavo. Down to Chavo and Kidman. Kidman almost throws Chavo out, but he hangs out. Kidman tries a tornado bulldog, but Chavo blocks it, kicks Kidman in the gut, and takes him up and over for the Goribomb. GORIBOMB TO THE OUTSIDE! and Chavo wins at (about 10 minutes) in. Well, that ruled. Rey-Chavo at the Bash! And they yell at each other as we go to

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We take a look at that ominous cement mixer. Order the Great American Bash to see Paul Bearer suffocate! And here's PAUL HEYMAN on a phone with a blueprint (blueprints can't talk!), outlining the specifics of his death chamber. And here and the DUDLEY BOYZ, who want to know exactly what "the right thing" is and what Heyman has planned. Something in the background has been getting increasingly loud, and it winds up being...MORDECAI brawling with HARDCORE HOLLY, the fuck? Mordecai's pretty much taking over and this sucks. PUNCH WITH YELLING! PUNCH WITH YELLING! And now they're broken up. Wait, no. Wait, yes. And here's Luther Reigns to finally break it up. Mordecai says he'll crucify Holly. Angle's appeared somewhere in here and asks Heyman if he's sure he can provide the Undertaker to face Cena, and Heyman promises he can.

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KENZO SUZUKI (w/Hiroko, 250, Land of the Rising Sun) vs. BILLY GUNN (265, Orlando, FL)
The geisha is officially named Hiroko, though Tazz will continually refer to her as "Hiroku" and be corrected. One can only hope she will follow in the footsteps of Shinja. Cole thinks that Kenzo has bitten off more than he can chew with this "Ass Man". He also thinks this is an interesting matchup. Fuck off, Michael Cole. Hiroko takes off Kenzo's robe. Lockup, Gunn pushes Kenzo into the corner. Lockup, now Suzuki takes over with YES the shitty chops. Now Gunn taking over with punches and kicks in the corner. He ducks a Suzuki chop, but whoops, doesn't duck that one. This match has saddeningly little fodder, and instead just makes me want to cry. HOLY SHIT DECENT SUZUKI KNEEDROP for two. And now the chinlock. Gunn fights out, and Suzuki acts all CRAZY and PUMPED UP and it's STUPID. And back to the shitty chops, which barely even faze Billy Gunn. HOLY SHIT TWO!!! The Billy Gunn Corner Splash That Never Hits actually hits! Famouser! Which Suzuki takes horribly! 1, 2, and Hiroko throws salt in Gunn's eyes for the DQ at (about 3 minutes) in. Hoo boy. And here's the choke, faceclaw, STO. Cole affirms that who we thought to be an innocent geisha girl is in fact EEEEEVIL.

Hooboy here's SABLE backstage with her big fat fake tits. And great she's talking to TORRIE WILSON. Sable takes offense to Torrie taking it upon herself to warm her ass on that grill last week when ALL the Divas are hosting the PPV. Torrie doesn't know what she's talking about, and Sable goes all crazy bitch on her. Bahahaha Sable "Oh and by the way, about your outfit, I lied. It makes you look FAT." Oh shit "Well at least my outfit doesn't make me look EASY." OH SNAP CHARGE CATFIGHT CATFIGHT BAD ACTING CATFIGHT that kind of ruled.

UP NEXT!: Eddy vs. Luther!

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We revisit the bad blood between Eddy and JBL, in video package form.

EDDY GUERRERO (...oh, wait, during Eddy's entrance we go to

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WWE Champion EDDY GUERRERO (no weight or hometown ever announced) vs. LUTHER REIGNS (w/Kurt Angle, crippled [Kurt, not Luther], 295, Phoenix, AZ)
Hey, Luther has his own TitanTron and generic rock music now. And he wheels Angle to ringside. Lockup confirms that Luther is in fact more powerful than Eddy. Eddy gets a spurt of offense, but it goes nowhere as he gets press slammed. Eddy seems worried. Luther wants a test of strength, and Eddy offers with the other hand. Luther goes for it, but Eddy switches hands. And he does it again hahaha. Eddy off the ropes, Angle trips him which is awesome. Luther taking over, decent butterfly suplex. Bearhug! Eddy slips out into a sunset flip for two. But Luther comes right back with a big clothesline, which also gets two. Reigns with a...reverse bearhug, I guess you'd call it. But Eddy breaks out of it with a jawbreaker. Eddy ducking and blocking rights while coming back with ones of his own. Point to Angle, Los Tres Suplejes! Wait, Luther breaks up the third with a knee. Luther tries for one of his own, but Eddy slips out and shoves Luther into the ref, knocking him out cold. Luther gets his powerslam->sidewalk slam, and...covers? Wait, Angle hobbles in and counts a fast...only two. Luther goes out and gets the title belt, beltshot ducked, and Eddy kicks Luther square in the nuts. Eddy has the belt, looking at Angle in the corner. Luther tries to charge but gets a beltshot for his trouble. Eddy stalks Angle again and...throws the belt to him and plays dead as the ref revives. The ref gets Angle out of the ring, and meanwhile Eddy pops up with a frog splash. Ref goes to count, but here's JBL for the DQ at (about 7 minutes) to biel Eddy by the throat with the bullrope. He throws him over the top and tries to hang him, but Eddy guillotines him over the top rope. Eddy clotheslines JBL with the rope, whips him, then whips him once more as JBL rolls out. Crowd chants Eddy as his music plays and he and JBL jaw at one another.

TONIGHT! Cena vs. Taker!

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Moments ago, the above.

ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) vs. RENE DUPREE (w/Fifi, 265, Paris, France)
Wait, here's BOOKER T to join the commentary team. Dupree takes over with mat-wrestling, ending with a headscissor. RVD flips out into a headlock. Dupree gets out of it and takes over, points-to-self, then gets kicked in the head. Booker makes threats towards Fifi if she interferes Sunday. RVD knocks Dupree outside, draped over the rail, ROB-VAN-DAM spinwheel kick from the apron. Rolled in, two count. Irish whip, RVD does a split and gets dropkicked in the head, and Dupree follows up with a neckbreaker for two. And now a backbreaker for two. Headlock, but RVD fights out and gets a rollup for two. Dupree kick caught, spinkick counter by RVD. Rolling thunder, two count. Dupree with an eyerake and a chopblock. Booker tells the best joke ever to Tazz: "Knock knock." "Who's there." "Rob Van Dam." "Rob Van Dam who?" "ROB VAN DAM WHO DON'T HAVE A CHANCE AT BEATING BOOKER T ON SUNDAY!" Booker T and Tazz crack up, as do I. Apparently Dupree undid a turnbuckle pad, as the referee is replacing it as RVD small packages Dupree for more than two, but only a two count. RVD argues with the ref, and Dupree rolls him up and pulls the tights for only two himself. RVD takes Dupree into the corner, shoulder, shoulder, backflip, going for a monkeyflip but instead dropped onto the EXPOSED STEEL, and Dupree pins him for three. (about 4 minutes) Dupree goes over to the announcer table and does the French Tickler for Booker, and then leaves.

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GAB card rundown! Just announced: Torrie vs. Sable! And Taker/Dudleyz is now called a "Concrete Crypt Match"! Great!

Taker is walking backstage, he faces John Cena next!

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WWE U.S. Champion JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. THE UNDERTAKER (305, Death Valley)
Taker starts off with knees. Elbows, big right in the corner. Irish whip, charge hits elbow. Cena with a flurry, Taker rights ducked, Cena takes over in the corner and then taunts Taker. Taker clothesline ducked, and Cena takes over with more punches, but Taker gets a thrust to the throat to bring him down. Bodyslam, elbowdrop misses. Cena tries to beat Taker down with stomps and clubbing blows, but gets thrown out of the ring. Cena climbs up onto the apron, but Taker suplexes him back in for two. Arm wringer, going up top, and there's the ropewalk. Up aaaand down onto the back for two. Stomp, faceclaw! Cena knees out of it, however. Fighting back, irish whip, Cena clothesline ducked, Taker with the leaping clothesline for two. High sign, tombstone slipped out of. Cena gets some rights, irish whip reversed, Taker telegraphs a back body drop, gets kicked in the head, and pops right back to stare at Cena. Taker charges him, but Cena pulls the rope down and Taker spills to the outside. Taker on the apron, but Cena knocks him into the guardrail as we go to (about 5 minutes)

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Cena clotheslines Taker out and follows. Taking over with punches, clotheslines Taker into the crowd. Breaks the count, goes back out, and ohhh Taker's got him in the choke. Big knee, irish whip gets reversed and Taker goes into the steps. Taker's bleeding from the forearm. Cena leaps off the apron, but gets caught and rammed spine-first into the post. Taker rolls in for a breather, then drapes Cena over the apron. Taker up the steps, then legdrops Cena's neck. Cena slowly climbs up the apron but gets kicked in the head for his troubles. Taker rolls him in and covers for two. Off the ropes, boot to the head. And now some weird armlock. Cena gets up and out of it, but Taker's methodically taking over with assorted strikes. Cena slowly fights back, punching faster and faster, off the ropes and runs right into a back elbow. Taker covers, two count. Taker grinds his forearm into Cena's nose. Both men up, Taker just sizing up Cena and punching him until he falls. Sets Cena on the top turnbuckle, superplex! It gets two. And now the chinlock. Cena fights back with punches to the leg, and now the ribs, but Taker clubs him down. Off the ropes, Cena gets in a spinebuster! Both men down, then slowly up, trading rights until Cena gets the advantage. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, clothesline for two. Up top, double axehandle! Off the ropes, THE THROWBACK IS REVIVED! Off the ropes again, Five Knuckle Shuffle! It only gets two, however. Pumping the shoes, goes for the FU, but Taker slips out. Cena runs off the ropes into a big boot, and Taker follows it up with the atomic legdrop for only two. Taker raises the arm, and goes for the Last Ride, but Cena slides out of it. Taker turns around and throws a clothesline, but Cena ducks it and Taker hits Brian Hebner, who proceeds to do a 360 bump. Neat. Cena takes over with rights, comes off the rope with a clothesline. You can't see me. However, Taker can choke him and does just that. However, Cena pulls him into the FU!!!! He covers, but Brian Hebner is still dead. So sad. Cena tries to revive him, but Taker does the Zombie Situp. Goozle, chokeslam, Cena seems to be out, but so is the ref. Taker stands there for a while, eyes the corner, and goes to it and grabs Cena's chain. He wraps it around his fist, which he proceeds to wrap around Cena's head. Hebner is just reviving now, as Taker tombstones Cena for the win at (about 13 minutes, about 18 minutes total). And that's that. And way better than it had any right to be. And to finish the show, here's Paul Heyman with the urn. Taker goes down on one knee, and we end the show the same way as the last two weeks. Fun.

AND NOW, MY FINAL THOUGHTS: Well, this was an odd show. Because while it sucked as an entire show, it was responsible for the two best SD matches in forever in the Battle Royal and the main. But the GAB will probably suck. Oh, and Cena/Taker was way better than Benoit/Kane. So fuck off with Benoit/Kane, it sucked. And I'll be back to usual form next week. Ciao!

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