WWE SmackDown! - 05-20-04
by Tom Feely

Well, I suppose I need an opener. Oh, I had Eddy-Bradshaw at ***1/2. Good match! Lots of blood. Yep. Bradshaw looked a bit gassed at times, but that was expected, and the restholds made enough sense within the match that they did not detract from the awesomeness which would come.

TV PG DLV WWE

my life my time my RICO

Shots of Las Vegas, and that's where we are for SMACKDOWN!, four days removed from Judgment Day. Your announcers are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ, also available in SAP. TONIGHT: A Judgment Day rematch as John Cena faces Rene Dupree!

But we start with EDDY GUERRERO making his way down to the ring. Last Sunday, he faced John Bradshaw Layfield in a matchup with physicality of hellacious proportions from hell. Eddy is in just about the most awesome low-rider I've ever seen, and I have no idea what it is since I know nothing about cars. He gets out and hugs a female fan on the rail, I'm not sure if they knew each other or he was just rewarding her excessive enthusiasm. Eddy's holding a duffel bag, assumably with something inside it. He dances, and now he also has a mic. "ORALE VI RAAAAASA. ORALE LAS VEGAAAAAAAA(S)." yay "Orale, I guess I should be feeling a bit bad, you know, I got a little bit of a boo-boo Sunday night," Oh, yes, there's a large gash on Eddy's forehead, which the camera closes in on. It's actually not very noticeable since it's near his hairline, and from the right angle actually looks like a stray straight hair. ", uh, I bled a little bit Sunday night, but, ah man, it's okay, I'm feelin GOOOOOOOOOOOOD homey." cheers! "I feel great, I'm in LAS VEGAAAAAAA(S)." cheers! "It's the capital of LYIN, CHEATIN, AND STEALIN, HOMES." more cheers! "Now Bradshaw, you may have taken a lot out of me on Sunday night, Judgment Day, homes. But you know, what you didn't take, esse, you didn't take my WWE Championship, vato loco." yayyyyyy "Naw, homes, you kinda left empty-handed. But I didn't! See, when I was in the back, I kinda wanted a souvenir to reminds me of the day. So, I stole a little bit of a souvenir." Eddy, who'd been grabbing whatever was inside the duffel bag, lets the bag drop, revealing JBL's cowboy hat, stained with blood. That's pretty awesome. Eddy chants, he smirks. "Your hat, my blood, homes. I guess this belongs to ME, esse. So I can do with your hat whatever the hell I want to." Such as rubbing it on his ass, which he does. "I got a little itch." Eddy looks at some woman in the crowd, "Orale, mamacita." She and her girlfriend are like "omg tee hee" "JOHN, JBL, you know what homes, I'm feelin' so good I'm gonna give you a little stock tip, esse. You should invest, I want you to hear this very good now, go do your investments, go place your investments on a lot of bandages and a lot of hospital gowns, homes, because you're gonna need it after TONIGHT!" cheers! "I'm not gonna be satisfied until I beat you 1 2 3 in this ring, esse." Eddy chants. "Let's cut the talk, and let's walk the walk, homes. Get your (ass) on out here right now, and let's get down, 'cuz I'm gonna kick your (ass), esse, right here, right now, tonight, in LAS VEGAS, ORALE!"

ding ding ding ding ding here's the limo of JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD. JBL pops out the top and raises his arms out just as the "moo" in his music hits, which I find hilarious for some reason. Bradshaw has two small bandages on his forehead. "C'mon homes, it's bad business to stay up there, esse." That was Eddy, not Bradshaw. This IS Bradshaw: "So lemme get this straight, Eddy. You want a match with me, again, tonight? And you wanna put that title on the line, tonight, right here, right now?" "Are you deaf? Did you get too much blood in your ears, homes? Yeah, you know what I said esse, c'mon." "I got one easy answer for ya, Eddy. NO. You don't get it, do ya, you thick-headed idiot? I guaranteed last week that I would beat you at Judgment Day, and just like I always do, Eddy, I delivered. The record books will forever be etched in stone, that on May 16, 2004, Staples Center, Judgment Day, John Bradshaw Layfield beat YOU, Eddy Guerrero. I BEAT YOU, Eddy, I put YOU in the hospital. Facing you right now, Eddy, the loose cannon that you are, is an unnecessary risk. That's a gamble. I don't gamble. Gambling is for lazy, simple-minded people who want an easy payoff." Vegas crowd boos this, duh "I did not make my fame and my fortune by gambling, Eddy. I earned it, just like I earned THAT WWE CHAMPIONSHIP. So you do the fair thing, Eddy, you do the right thing, you be the man that you claim that you are, that your mama raised you to be, and you walk down that aisle, and you give me MY CHAMPIONSHIP." He does not. "Waitin' for me to say it in Mexican? I said YOU, walk down that aisle, and give me what is MINE, the WWE championship, NOW, or I will make you bleed some more, Eddy, I will put you back in the hospital." "You know what, homes, YOU'RE RIGHT, I'm gonna show everybody what a great man my mom raised, esse, I'm gonna go down and hand you what you deserve, a good (ass)-kickin'." He heads to the ropes to prepare to do so, when...

there's the music of MR. KURT ANGLE. He rises up out of the corner of the stage, crippled. "Well it's official, everybody's lost their minds. Eddy, I know you lost a lot of blood last Sunday, and it's obviously made you a little light-headed. You know, a little loco? And it's caused you to believe for some reason, that you can put the matches together, that you make the matches. Well listen to me, essay, *I* make the matches around here, I'M the general manager." boos "You see, Eddy, this is where being a self-proclaimed liar gets you in trouble. You SAY you wanna beat Bradshaw 1 2 3." "Oh, I'm not lying about that." "Well, we all know that that's just an excuse so you can get him back in the ring, and beat him SENSELESS with whatever you can get your hands on, and get yourself disqualified AGAIN. Well your request, for a rematch between you and JBL, has been officially DENIED." Crowd does not like this. Eddy: "Whoa whoa, hey hey, what are you talking about, esse, no no no no no man, nuh uh, no." "He said official, that means not gonna happen, Eddy. Now GIMME MY BELT." "Now John, now John, listen to me. Nothing would please me more than to force Eddy Guerrero to hand that title over to you tonight. But we all know that the board of directors would never go for it. Now listen, the good news is...I know, I know, the good news is, tonight, I'm gonna give you a chance to finish what you started at Judgment Day. Because tonight, it will be John Bradshaw Layfield teaming up with the Dudley Boyz, to take on Rey Mysterio," yayyy "Rob Van Dam," yayyy "and Eddy Guerrero." YAAAAAAAAAY. Cole and Tazz are psyched. Angle descends back into the stage, which is awesome. JBL pops back into his limo, which goes in reverse as Michael Cole reminds us of the U.S. title rematch LATER TONIGHT!

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Cheating Death, Stealing Life: The Eddie Guerrero Story, Wednesday at 9/8c on UPN

More shots of Vegas, Cole reiterates the match just made, and now...

WWE Tag Team Champions RICO & CHARLIE HAAS (w/Miss Jackie, 469 pounds) vs. THE FBI, NUNZIO & JOHNNY STAMBOLI (450 pounds) in a non-title contest
This is Rico's hometown! Haas nearly goes up the runway before deciding not to. Great American Bash later this month in Norfolk, VA, tickets on sale at 10 AM Saturday. Nunzio has his ribs taped. Haas and Stamboli start. Lockup, Stamboli pushes Haas into his own corner. Clean break, no, double slap to the chest which seems more for show than damage. Stamboli poses, so Rico slaps his ass from the apron. As Stamboli attempts to go after him, Haas rolls him up for two. Haas shows Stamboli it was that close, and then smacks his own ass. Stamboli kick to the gut, right, irish whip to the corner. Gorilla press, Haas turns it into a sunset flip for two. Haas armdrag, held into an armbar. Up and into an arm wringer, Haas clubs the arm twice and then tags to Rico. Rico with an arm wringer of his own, surprisingly not gay. Stamboli throws Rico down by the hair, armbar of his own. Rico kips up, another arm wringer, steps over and takes him down into a cross armbar of sorts. This doesn't last, as Rico soon moves it so...well...I'm not sure how to explain that. Imagine Rico knelt on the mat with Stamboli's arm protruding from his crotch, and well, there you go. So gay. Stamboli throws him off, Rico prances. Nunzio tagged in as Rico grabs the top rope and does some Rockette kicks. Nunzio nods his head "no" as he points to his ass. Circle, lockup, Rico grabs Nunzio and spanks him a few times. Nunzio is angry. Kick, punch, irish whip, dropkick but Rico holds onto the ropes. Nunzio gets up onto all fours, and, well, ride 'em cowboy. Nunzio crawls over on his knees really quickly to Stamboli and grabs him, but soon lets go, since oh man, it looks like he was giving him a BJ! Kind of. I guess. Nunzio rebounds from this embarassment with a big right hand, but Rico retaliates with a barrage of rights of his own. Irish whip, reversed, Stamboli pulls the top rope down and Rico takes a spill to the outside. Thrown back in, Nunzio covers for two. Grabs Rico's head, rams it into the mat twice, then a few rights. Points to his ass, "YOU WANNA TOUCH THIS?" Tag to Stamboli, chinlock the crowd chants for Rico. Rico fights out, irish whip held on to, spinebuster by Stamboli. Nunzio tagged in, grabs Rico's leg to stop the tag. Stamboli in with a clothesline, Rico drops to the mat to avoid it as Stamboli runs into a Haas right hand. Rico kicks Nunzio off and makes the tag. Neat. Haas in, Stamboli right blocked, Haas right, Haas right, irish whip, back elbow. Clothesline on Nunzio, clothesline on Stamboli. Stamboli irish whipped, sweet dropkick. Nunzio charges, baaaack body drop. Haas plays to the crowd, runs off the ropes, tripped by Stamboli. Nunzio dropkick to the head, two count. Nunzio with rights to the head, off the ropes, tripped by Jackie. As Nunzio turns around, there's Rico on the apron to grab him, kiss him, and then fly like some sort of fabulous pink missile into the arms of Johnny Stamboli on the floor. Meanwhile, Nunzio is all like "Ack! Gay!" and gets german suplexed by Haas for the 1, 2, 3. (04'32") Champs celebrate with surprisingly little disgust from Haas.

LATER TONIGHT: Spike vs. Chavo vs...Chavo? for the Cruiserweight Championship! And that big six-man tag!

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You know, I'm not sure a million dollars is worth the embarrassment that would ensue from dressing up like a wrestler and talking about YJ Stinger. Though I hear from Scott Christ that it is quite good!

Here are some foxy ladies in white t-shirts gyrating behind Tazz and Michael Cole. Oh, Las Vegas, you crazy...city.

LAST SUNDAY AT JUDGMENT DAY: Chavo Guerrero scored an upset win over Jacqueline.

CHAVO GUERRERO and CHAVO CLASSIC are watching this backstage. "Jacqueline deserved everything she got at Judgment Day. I woulda kicked her again." "Hey, but wait, you gotta get ready for tonight. Tonight is a triple threat match." "Triple threat match." "That's right, you, myself, and that Spike Dudley, he's a pretty tough little dude." "Yeah, he's tough. He's tough." "But but but, we have some insurance, 'cuz it's you tonight, and it's" "Yeah, I know, it's me and you against him, but I want you to know...that I don't need you in that ring." "Whoa whoa whoa" "Hey hey whoa whoa hold on, I could beat Spike Dudley on my own any day of the week." "Yeah yeah, but remember where you come from, remember where you come from. I've forgot more than you'll EVER know. I taught you what YOU know. But you don't know what I know." "Hey, dad, you were a great champion in your day, I'll grant -- I'll give you that. But your day is LOOOONG gone. Now it's my time. I'm the greatest cruiserweight now, I'm the greatest cruiserweight there ever gonna be, in fact, I'm the greatest GUERRERO. You said it yourself, nobody can beat me. Nobody." "You fell for it again, just like last night. I'm playin' with you man, you go and get excited, but that's good." "Why you gotta play that way?" "Why?" "Why you gotta play that way?" "Why, because you know me, because I'm joking with you, you are the greatest, you're the champion." "I'm still feelin' a little bit from last night." "You can't keep up with the old man, buddy, when it comes to that time, but tonight, get ready." "I'll be in the ring...you can beat your said, that's a good one." Laughter as Chavo leaves. Classic gives a look of slight skepticism as we cut to

Rene Dupree adjusts his robe in preparation his Judgment Day rematch against John Cena, TONIGHT!

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Shots of Vegas lead us to

BILLY KIDMAN (215, Allentown, PA) vs. AKIO (200, Japan [Relax, Cubs.])
Circle, and here's the music of MORDECAI, here to cleanse the WWE of Jews and Asians. Puts his symbol down, flames shoot from ground. Holds his arms out, looks out towards the crowd to "bless" them. Puts his symbol in the MYSTICAL HOLDER FROM OUT OF NOWHERE. Slowly walks up the stairs. Takes off the robe, as Kidman and Akio charge him. Akio thrown off, Kidman thrown up into the air and crash landing. Akio leg lariat caught, picked up and slammed to the ground in a chokeslam-but-not manner. Kidman clothesline caught into a vice grip of sorts, picked up off the mat, jawbreaker. Big ol' clothesline that Akio takes a huge bump for. Kidman up for a crucifix bomb aaaand down. Mordecai looks up towards his mysterious higher power. This took about two and a half minutes, and would work a lot better if Mordecai didn't look like Albino Donal Logue.

JBL is getting his blood pressure taken backstage.

UP NEXT: John Cena vs. Rene Dupree in a Judgment Day rematch for the U.S. title!

WWE Smack of the Night: Rene Dupree powerbombs John Cena through a table two weeks ago.

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Thanks for ordering Judgment Day if you did! If you didn't, then fuck you!

LATER TONIGHT: Eddy/Rey/RVD vs. JBL/The Dudleyz. BUT WHICH TWO DUDLEYS?

The doctor from the previous segment is examining a gash on JBL's head. "Where'd you get these staples?" "Eddy Guerrero hit me with an ILLEGAL steel chair. ARE WE DONE?" "Yes." "Whatever." JBL gets up. "Speakin' of Eddy Guerrero, he's gonna come in here later, right?" "Yes." "Now he's gonna tell you about his little concussion, he's gonna tell you about all this blood he supposedly lost at Judgment Day, he's gonna tell you about the fact that he spent the night in the hospital. Don't you listen to a word he says. Eddy Guerrero is a damn LIAR."

RENE DUPREE (w/Fifi, 263, Paris, France) vs. WWE US Champion JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) for the WWE United States Championship
Announcers discuss Angle wanting Dupree to win, mostly since he hates Cena. Cena is quite over. Today's throwback is #23 for UNLV, whoever that is. Stupid cameramen. Circle, lockup, broken up. Another lockup, Dupree backs Cena into the ropes, break, Dupree tries to deck Cena but it's ducked, and Dupree ties himself into the ropes for refuge. Lockup, go behind by Dupree, Cena takes him over. Dupree backs into the corner, Cena jaws at him, then plays to the crowd. Circle...lockup? YES. Go behind by Cena, Dupree reverses it into a chickenwing, Cena reverses THAT into a schoolboy for two. Dupree says his hair was pulled. Cena slaps Dupree then shoves him, so Dupree...clamps on a headlock. Thrown into the ropes, Dupree shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over the top, Cena catches him...BODYSLAM! for two. Cena with a side headlock. Dupree eventually reverses into a top wristlock and a knee to the gut. Irish whip, both men off the ropes with crossbodies, and both men crash and burn. And with both men on the mat, we're taking our first commercial break at (03'11")

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AND WE'RE BAHK! Cena with an irish whip, held on to, Dupree chicken wings him and then throws him shoulder first into the STEEEEL post. Cena is on the outside, pained. Cena slowly crawls in, and gets stomped for his troubles. Hammerlock (there we go, that's what I was looking for), and Cena thrown shoulder-first into the top turnbuckle. Stomp, Cena shoves him away. Cena with a kick, and a punch with the (good) right arm. Another right. Another. Ohhhh armbar takedown. Rolled over, two count. Picked up in the corner, chop. Cena shoves him away again, another kick, HEADBUTT. Another headbutt. Goes for a clothesline, but into a Fujiwara armbar. Serves you right, Cena, you dumbass. Dupree just cranking back on that armbar. Cena is in pain. Yep. Cena almost makes the ropes, so Dupree drops his knee twice on the injured arm, and then goes back to the armbar. Finally, Cena makes the ropes. Only to get dragged back to the middle of the ring. Elbow on the arm, back to the armbar. Into a regular armbar, with Dupree kneeling now. Two more knees to the arm, back to the armbar. Now elbowing the shoulder in mid-armbar. "Cena" chants start up. He finally fights out to an extent, but Dupree drives his shoulder into the arm twice. He goes for a third, but Cena ducks and takes him over in a back body drop. Another back body drop, this with the good shoulder. Dupree off the ropes, a third. Crowd getting back into this. Right-armed clothesline. Right-armed back elbow. Shoulder tackle with the bad shoulder, which hurts both men. Cena up first, attempts to take Dupree up into the FU, but Dupree just grabs the ropes. So Cena decks him with a right. Effective. On top of Rene now, rights to the face. Dupree rolls outside to regroup, but Cena gets him with a right to the back. Elbow, Dupree thrown back in. Dupree rolls out the other side, in front of the announcers. Dupree with two rights to the gut, and going for the powerbomb through the announce table. However, Cena counters with a back body drop ontothe floor. Dupree thrown into the steps, but he rolls back in the first. Cena rolls in, so Dupree again rolls out. Grabs the French flag, attempts to hit Cena with it, but Cena kicks him in the stomach and breaks the flag over his knee. He then throws it into the ring, and while the ref is distracted, Dupree kicks Cena in the nuts and rolls back in. The count is continued, and Cena is counted out at (06'48", 09'59" total aired). Cena rolls back in, and gets a Michinoku Driver for his trouble. And YES, Rene does the dance. Dang, he should really duct tape that thing down or something. Replays of the kick to the groin and the driver, and now we cut to

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more shots of Vegas -- TONIGHT! Eddie, Rey, and RVD vs. Bradshaw, The Dudley, and The Dudley!

Cole and Tazz intro and then show the footage of the chairshot from Judgment Day

WWE Cruiserweight Champion CHAVO GUERRERO (unannounced, El Paso, TX) vs. CHAVO CLASSIC (unannounced, we'll say El Paso, TX though it may be somewhere in Mexico) vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (150, Dudleyville) in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Chavo y Chavo come out together without an announced weight, hence the lack of ones above. I'll just call Chavo "Chavo" and Classic "Classic". Spike lays in rights to both Chavos, but eventually Chavo and Classic are able to beat him down like...two Mexicans on a scrawny white man. Chavo holds Spike for a Classic chop. Chavo with a right. Classic with a European uppercut. Chavo with a kick to the spine. Classic choking Spike with his boot. Chavo signals Classic over, double irish whip, Spike kicks Chavo in the head the throws Classic out. Flying legscissors on Chavo. Chavo down in the corner so Spike steps on him repeatedly. Irish whip, reversed, Classic trips Spike from the outside. Comes back in, kicks Spike and then stomps on his face. Both men pick him up, double-team hiptoss. Classic kicks him in the spine. Classic picks Spike up, but he fights back with rights until Classic ducks one and...schoolboys him for two? He almost won! Controversy! Both men alternating stomps. Classic grabs the leg and rolls over to Spike's head, trying to hyperextend the knee. Chavo with a European uppercut. Classic with one of his own. Awwww such father-son bonding. Chavo chokes Spike in the ropes. Classic picks Spike up and just slaps him hard as fuck. Double irish whip to the corner. Classic whips Chavo into the same corner, but he misses a Stinger splash. Spike comes out of the corner and clotheslines Classic, then charges Chavo. Back body drop, but Spike lands on the apron. Chavo right blocked, Spike with a right of his own, up top. Crossbody onto both Chavos! Headlock on Chavo, up into a headscissors on Classic, then takes both over. Off the ropes, shoulder ram into Classic, who falls to the outside. Inverted atomic drop on Chavo, followed up with a clothesline for two. Irish whip, held onto, Chavo sets up for the Gorybomb, but Spike sunset flips it for two. Chavo with a stomp, back suplex but Spike flips out and lands on his feet. Kick to the gut, DUDLEY DOG! Classic comes in and tries to clothesline Spike, but it's ducked. Spike off the ropes, both men run into each other. Spike falls to the outside, while Classic falls onto his son. 1, 2, Classic rolls over to get up but his elbow is still covering Chavo's head, 3. (04'22") Classic gets up, unaware of what happened. Oh man Classic has Chavo's old WCW music, awesome. Classic asks Charles Robinson what happened, and Robinson just hands him the belt. "ME?" Chavo is saddened and shocked. This is all me reading lips: "YOU?" "I WON! I WON! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!" "I WON!" Chavo starts celebrating by doing a somersault, trying to get up, and falling on his ass. This may be kind of dumb, but Chavo Classic is pretty awesome. Replay of the pin. Chavo talks to Robinson. "MY DAD PINNED ME?"

And now the RAW REBOUND. Kane, Lita, Eugene, Coach, THE ROCK, HHH, HBK. There's not much funny I can saw. Kane/Lita is just stupid and annoying, HHH/HBK I say whatever to, and c'mon, the big segment was The Rock and a retard. AND EUGENE. Hahahaha no, sorry, I like the Coach. He's pretty awesome.

hey wtf "This is FUNAKI, SMACKDOWN NUMBAH ONE ANNOUNCAH! And my guest at this time is BOOKER T! Booker, Smackdon audience wants taknow, are you afraid of" Booker shoots him a look "...the...Under...taker?" "You didn't say that. Tell me you didn't just say that. Look man, I ain't afraid of nobody, man. The Undertaker CHEATED at Judgment Day. That sucka knew he couldn't take me on one-on-one in the middle of that ring, man. You know what? I think Paul Bearah switched my magic pouch when I wasn't lookin', but that's another story, man, I talked to Kurt Angle, general manager, I told him, I want the Undertaker TONIGHT. But guess what? The Undertaker's not here. You know why? He knew I was gonna whoop his punk (ass). But Kurt Angle, he told me sumthin' else. He told me I could have any match I want. Tonight. Right now. And guess who I want? YOU, FUNAKI." Funaki seems confused and scared. "YEAH, YOU, SUCKA. I want you to get ready, get your punk (ass) boots on, get ready to get your punk (ass) whooped." Booker is about to leave when "TERR ME YOU DIDUNT JUST SAY DAT." Booker turns around to hit Funaki, but Funaki decks him with the microphone and runs. BOOKER VS. FUNAKI -- NEXT!

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Subway Slam of the Week -- stills from Undertaker beating Booker T last Sunday

FUNAKI (already in ring, Japan) vs. BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX)
Funaki is wearing jean shorts. Lockup, Booker with five knees to the gut, right, knee, stomping him down in the corner until Nick Patrick pulls him off. Pulls him into the middle of the ring, chops him down. Up, again. Up, bodyslam, Funaki slips out. Booker clothesline ducked, Funaki off the ropes, dropkicks the knee. Off the ropes, one-handed bulldog. Sets up, dropkick to the head for two. Small Funaki chant. Right, right, irish whip reversed, OH thrust kick right to the mush. Booker picks Funaki up, sidewalk slam for two. Undertaker chants. Funaki on his back, Booker pulls him in a chinlock and pulls up and back. Eventually lets go. Picks him up by the hair, rams his head into the turnbuckle. Irish whip to the opposite corner, charge, Funaki with both boots up! And again. Three kicks to the gut, irish whip again reversed, big back elbow. Funaki's bleeding from the nose. Big stomp by Booker. Now a rear chinlock. Booker tells someone to shut up. Tazz confirms that this is not ballet, denying Rico the chance to wear a tutu. Get it, he's gay. Funaki fights out with elbows to the gut as the "Undertaker" chants restart. Funaki off the ropes, right into a Harlem Side Kick. Booker looks at his hand, Funaki gets up, kick to the gut. Off the ropes, scissor kick, see you in three months, Funaki. (04'40") Booker makes big wide eyes as we cut to

EARLIER TONIGHT: Rene Dupree kicks John Cena in the nuts!

Oh man, Kurt Angle has decreed, NEXT WEEK, JOHN CENA VS. RENE DUPREE. FOR THE UNITED STATES TITLE. In...A LUMBERJACK MATCH. YES.

Oh no, something's happening backstage! The camera follows Fit Finlay into the doctor's office to see JBL, holding a steel chair, over Eddy Guerrero and in his face as doctors check on him. Finlay shoves Bradshaw away. They fit Eddy with a neck brace and ask for oxygen as we cut to

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COMING OUT OF THE EAST. RIDING ON DIVINE WINDS OF THE GODS. COMES A FORCE OF NATURE EMBOLDENED WITH THE WARRIOR SPIRIT. HIS ANCESTRY, NOBLE. [slanty eyes appear in front of a Japanese flag] HIS SOUL, DETERMINED. HIS PURPOSE, CONQUEST. HE IS KENZO SUZUKI. [Japanese]

I hoped that the "his ancestry, Noble" meant he'd be the Japanese Noble cousin, but everything else seems to go against that. Which disappoints me, because that would've been pretty awesome.

BREAKING NEWS: Eddy Guerrero is hurt! Oh no! What will this mean for, well, this match:

JOHN BRAD$HAW LAYFIELD (w/limo and tracksuit, 297, New York City) and THE DUDLEY BOYZ (combined 543, New York City) vs. REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA), ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) & EDDY GUERRERO?
But wait, first, here's Mr. Kurt Angle popping out of the stage, crippled. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Apparently, Eddy Guerrero would rather stay in the back and fake some injury than to come out here and perform for you people tonight. Well guess what, Eddy? That's not gonna cut it. I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck, you sure as hell can come out here and wrestle. So Eddy, when you finally decide to wake up from your siesta, or recover from your so-called injury, you can join in on this match, because it will begin with or without you. And the match begins right now."

And it does, as Angle descends into the stage, crippled. Rey and RVD confer outside, and Rey starts against D-Von. Circle, and Bubba blindsides Rey. Those interchangeable Dudleyz. Clubbing right, front chancery and more clubbing rights. Bubba tags in JBL, and holds Rey for a JBL right. Picks up Rey, right to the head. Face-first into the turnbuckle. Kneelift, then rights. Boot to the head. Clubbing right, another kick to the head. Irish whip, Rey slides under the legs and kicks Bradshaw in the leg. And again. One more time. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, leg lariat. Bradshaw tags in D-Von, and as Rey reaches for Bradshaw as he leaves, D-Von clubs him with some rights. Irish whip, clothesline ducked, ocean cyclone bulldog. Then Rey slides through D-Von's legs to tag Van Dam. RVD up top right away, flying crossbody for two. Right, right, irish whip reversed, Bubba grabs the ponytail. RVD knocks him off the apron, but Bradshaw guillotines him. D-Von picks him up, and knocks him down with an elbow to the neck. To the turnbuckle, vertical suplex for two. Bubba puts his boot on the top turnbuckle, RVD thrown into it. Bubba tagged in, and beats RVD down in the corner while Bradshaw chokes him with the tag rope. Swinging neckbreaker by Bubba, broken up by Rey at two. JBL tagged in, swinging neckbreaker of his own. What the fuck? Another swinging neckbreaker, this for two. Again, what the fuck? RVD sits up and gets kicked in the head. JBL knocks Rey off the apron, then tags in D-Von. Bubba guillotines RVD on the second rope, then D-Von chokes him with his wrist tape while Bradshaw distracts the ref. Such evilness, my word. D-Von choking RVD against the second rope with his knee. RVD tries to fight his way back with an elbow, but gets D-Von's knee raked across his face. Bradshaw tagged in, clubbing rights as Bubba holds him. Irish whip, reversed, shoulderblock, off the ropes, elbowdrop for two. Ram into the top turnbuckle blocked, RVD with a kick to the head. Off the second rope, backwards with a thrust kick. Both men down, RVD gets the tag to Rey. Springboard seated not-a-senton, irish whip reversed, Rey holds on to the ropes. JBL charges and gets kicked in the face, D-Von charges from the apron and gets elbowed. Rey off the ropes, clothesline ducked, flying headscissors. Dropkick! To the apron, drops the dime! For two ohhhhh. Bubba in but RVD gets a leg lariat to him, then a thrust kick to D-Von. Dudleyz roll outside, but RVD takes them out with a tope con hilo. In the ring, Bradshaw eschews such high risk manuevers, choosing instead to just run into Rey and knock him down. Blows an imaginary cigar and puts it out on Rey, goes for a powerbomb. Rey punches out of it, hurracanranas him into the ropes...could it be? Yes, in fact, it is a 619. RVD in with a ***** frog splash that was more like *1/2, Rey covers -- one, two, Bubba pulls him out. We cut to a fallen Bradshaw getting up, and then quickly to commercials at (07'24").

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And we're back, with the SD copyright in the corner to confuse everyone. JBL tags in D-Von. and we cut back to DURING THE BREAK, where RVD was given a poorly executed 3-D on the outside. D-Von has on a head vice, and Rey fights out. Asai moonsault, D-Von catches it, but Rey turns it into an inverted DDT. Replay of that in mid-match for some reason. Rey goes to his empty corner. Well, empty except for Bubba Ray, who mocks him. And gets punched in the face. D-Von upside Rey's head with a clothesline, now hanging, hanging, one-armed, and down, vertical suplex. Blatant choke by D-Von, then tags in JBL. Running stomp, stalking the fallen Rey, clubbing right to the back. Irish whip, big ol' spinebuster. Picks him up, abdominal stretch! Pulls down on the head, VIVA LA RASA! WHAT, COULD IT BE? Yes, it's EDDY GUERRERO, jacked, psyched, and ready to fight. As Eddy makes it to the corner, JBL cranks on the abdominal stretch, and the crowd breaks out in chants of "EDDY". Rey eventually fights out, but gets clubbed in the back of the head. Irish whip to the corner followed right after with a clothesline, off the ropes, clothesline from hell aborted with a dropkick! Both men down, WHO WILL GET THE TAG? More "Eddy" chants. Bubba tagged in, elbowdrop on Rey. Straddles Rey, and holds out his arm, mocking him. "YOU WANNA TAG HIM, EDDY?" Bubba shoves Rey into a neutral corner, irish whip. Points to Eddy, charges, and...gets kicked in the face. And again. Top rope bulldog! And Rey gets the tag! D-Von clothesline ducked, right right right, knocks JBL off the apron! D-Von Right blocked, right, irish whip, baaaack body drop. Bubba right blocked, three Eddy rights, dance. Bubba clothesline ducked, big back suplex. Kick to D-Von's gut, vertical suplex! Another! And three! Beats the chest, dances, and...staggers. Then collapses. He appears to be Latino Overheated. His eyes are open, but he's just kind of shaking face down and not really doing anything. D-Von seems concerned, but gets too close to his own corner, and JBL tags in. He waits, then covers him. Referee seems hesistant, but JBL insists until a fast pin is given at (06'55", 14'19" aired). JBL raises his own arm and leaves as Eddy just stares at the lights in what seems to be a state of shock. The trainer tends to him and someone calls for EMTs. A stretcher is brought out, people chant "BRADSHAW SUCKS". Eddy isn't responding to any questions. "EDDY" chants now. Oxygen mask. And since the copyright screen showed up earlier, we suddenly fade to black.

So, three comments:

1. This better be going somewhere, because it seemed pretty pointless. Eddy is crazy for revenge, Bradshaw is a dick, no DQ, there you go.

2. Some white dude in the front row was REALLY into Booker T's music after he won. I forgot to mention that.

3. Also I forgot to mention when they cut to Bradshaw in the aisle during the last segment, there was the best sign I've seen in forever: "JBL RULES?" This beats out the previous best sign in forever: "Eddy is a MEXICAN, not a MEXICAN'T", which I am told by Scott Christ is taken from the movie "Once Upon A Time In Mexico", and thus loses credit. Kudos, "JBL RULES?" sign guy, where you may be. Probably Las Vegas.

So yes, I'll be back next week. Unless I kill myself due to Eamon being on my TV as soon as I stopped my SmackDown! tape. Fuck that guy.

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