ECW One Night Stand - 06/11/06
by Scott Christ
PAUL HEYMAN WANTS TO TALK
Word? Heyman does his best to get everyone riled up. Crowd is hot.
TAZ v. JERRY THE KING LAWLER
I was actually really excited for this match, being the massive Taz mark and moderate Lawler as a wrestler mark. Lawler slaps Joey Styles, hits the ring, goes after Steven Deangelis, and gets choked out. Well then. I guess it's safe to keep Taz's wind and make the fans happy quickly, but they could've at least done a few minutes.
RANDY ORTON v. KURT ANGLE
Hey! (hey!) Nothing you can say! (say!) This one was interesting, as it seemed like they definitely had a plan just in case the Hammerstein crowd didn't accept Angle, which was Orton bailing and running early on to make them hate him even more than they would normally. Thankfully, the crowd instantly accepted Angle, as I pretty much assumed they would. There was part of me that thought they might not, but I figured by the end of his match, they'd be with him. Every time a great wrestler stopped by in ECW in the past, the crowd was with them off the bat. I honest to God just wish they'd have put Orton in ECW for a while. Number one, Orton could benefit from it, because he badly needs to be rebuilt. Number two, I'm almost CERTAIN he'd benefit from it, because these crowds would just absolutely loathe him. On Wednesday they pointed out that Orton is basically the anti-ECW, and tonight Tazz remarked how out of place he seemed. It's quite true. Number three, he's just going to get further fucked up on Raw. Not that Orton is exactly the most deserving guy in the world, but they clearly still want him to be a star for a long time, so why keep fucking him up?
Anyway, the match. I didn't notice the referee being Mike Posey the first time. "You can't wrestle" chants come out here and again in the main event. Meanwhile Orton is putting on a pretty fair showing here. Angle is pretty much entirely grounded on offense to put over the "Wrestling Machine" nickname. I guess that makes sense. What the hell did Taz really do besides throw suplexes? The crowd was actually rather merciless with Orton. As soon as he went to a chinlock, they went to "boring" chants just to do it. But that's kind of the whole point of putting guys like Orton here, I suppose. The match was really quite good, I thought. And the funny thing is they really did nothing more or less than they would do on Smackdown or Raw or International Heat or Confidential or anything else, it's just that this crowd actually reacting and giving a shit the whole way through made it seem different and somehow new. Including Tye Dye MF'n Guy. Angle eventually wins with the ankle lock that he just sort of puts on and locks in, instead of some extended, overdone finishing sequence. I'm not saying I don't like an extended, overdone finishing sequence when done right, but it was neat to just see Angle grab the ankle, wrap the leg, and put it away. Post-match was pretty sweet as Angle soaks in the crowd and shows them some love back, and Orton gets help to the back, and while being called a pussy, salutes and mutters, "My fans! My fans!"
THE FULL BLOODED ITALIANS (w/Big Guido) v. SUPER CRAZY & YOSHIHIRO TAJIRI
Tajiri does the HUSTLE dance in his HUSTLE pants on the entrance stage, and gets a welcome back chant right off. Is Big Guido, like, serious buds with Tommy Dreamer or Heyman in the real world or what, because this is two straight years he's gotten a payday to stand around. Mamaluke outwrestling Crazy early on leads to a hilarious Tajiri spot where he calmly walks in and then starts crazily stomping at Mamaluke. Tajiri is absolutely one of the most well-rounded pro wrestlers in the world. He's sort of the Japanese Chris Candido. He's just a whole lot of fun in this match, not so much because he's wrestling like he used to, but because he's just constantly in motion on the apron and everywhere else, doing SOMETHING or other. This match is somewhat comparable to last year's Guido/Tajiri/Crazy three-way, which was OK and had enough stuff from the glory days of those three dudes constantly wrestling each other to make me happy, but not exactly a great match or anything. Similarly, this match was OK and had enough stuff from the glory days of the FBI v Crazy & Kash v Tajiri & Mikey stuff that it made me happy, but I wasn't as big of a fan of the tag stuff as I was the singles, so I would say I liked the three-way from last year a little more. Plus that three-way had eight hundred cameos (Sinister Minister, Mikey, Big Guido, JT Smith, Mamaluke, Tracy Smothers) and this one just had Big Guido. And that's really the key difference between the two One Night Stand shows. This was far more of a standard PPV, and last year was all about the nostalgia. I mean what do people want, the not dead Pitbull introducing clips of dead ECW alumni again? FBI win and Big Show comes out to obliterate everything. I don't know why I was supposed to buy that Big Guido had a half a shot against Big Show. It's fucking Big Guido. I don't know why they couldn't do this against dudes that the crowd likes less, but once Show flung Mamaluke around and kicked Big Guido in the head, they were OK with him. They were a hair away from turning on it until Tony Mamaluke sacrificed for the greater good.
JBL IS HERE?
"Watch - watch what you say about Smackdown! Don't you bring your dog and pony show - (boos) - don't you bring your backyard-quality wrestling show into JBL's town of New York and embarrass this business. Hey! Wait a minute. ECW ("You suck dick!") - I recognize that ring. I see no women out here and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit booty! I sat in that ring, that ring right there, last year, one year ago, everybody's goin' 'hardcore, hardcore' - while a certain, fat, blue piece of crap sat there and bled and cry-eyed ("Boring!"). Cried! What happened? You guys get on your internet and say JBL is a bully, JBL is a bad guy. You know what happened to me? Do you know what happened to me when I knocked one of your boys out? KNOCKED his FAT ASS out? You know what happened to me? Nothing. ("Shut the fuck up!") You know why? Because there's not a ECW nor a man alive that can do anything to me. Sounds to me like I am the KING of hardcore. And Big Show, Kurt Angle, they're our stars! Rob Van Dam, Rob Van Dam made his name in the WWE. He is a star, but he is a star because of people like me. He is a star because of Smackdown, he is a star because of Vince McMahon. And you, Tazz, you're leaving network television to go to Tuesdee nights on the Sci-Fi Channel? You're a household name, Tazz, because of us. But how appropriate it is you bunch of Star Trek little geeks love the Sci-Fi Channel, and now you get your ECW - ha ha ha ha. It's very appropriate. ("Ass Hole!") Remember this, you paid to see me, I didn't pay to see any one of you. Tazz, I wanna thank you, because if ya hadn't left, they would've had to fire you. Because I'm announcin' right now, JBL is coming back, I am the voice of Smackdown! What you see on FOX News, what you see on thestreet.com, what you see on my nationally syndicated radio show, I am the voice of the A-show - and by the way, folks, you're in a minor league here - I am the voice of Smackdown. And you can take your telephone book with you, because I can see over the desk. So go ahead with your little show. Go ahead and drink Paul Heyman's Kool-Aid. But know this - the greatest wrestler, the king of hardcore, the person who says that he is, come hell, come high water, come the creek don't rise - I am the person I say that I am, I am a wrestling God. Now kiss my ass, this show sucks."
But wait - you don't SEE radio shows. I don't know why this happened at all. If JBL was going to bother to show up at the show, they could have at least had him be more controversial and biting than THAT.
SABU v REY MYSTERIO
They booed Rey a little but were mostly indifferent. He had an ECW logo on the back of his mask - OK, look, does he fucking like ECW or not? Nick Patrick reffing an ECW match was one of the weirdest things of the night. The match was incredible considering the physical conditions of both guys, and considering that overall Rey is probably in the worse shape at the moment. They get the chairs out, smash them together twice and throw them, and I dunno, it just immediately felt like they were ready to go for this one. Air Sabu looked great, and Rey came back with Air Mysterio. 619 was booed again but this time missed, and Sabu just flings a chair at him. I'm not saying there weren't some awkward spots, but that's always possible (1) any time two guys aren't at all familiar with one another, and (2) any time Sabu is one of the guys in the match. But with that aside, Rey really brought it for this match, which wasn't the case against Psicosis last year. Rey with the flying springboard ass attack to the floor and through a table, and Sabu gets Patrick to throw up the X!!! Sabu crushes Rey's head on the triple jump moonsault. Second chair throw is even better than the first, preceding the ABSOLUTELY INSANE finish of Sabu triple jump DDTing Mysterio through a table on the guardrail and apron to the floor. It could not have looked better. The fake doctor was so bad. Listen!! NOO they can't fight anymowah!! It's OVAH! Protected both sides, didn't please the crowd, but I'll take this match with a non-finish over a match that's not as good and has one.
MICK FOLEY PROMO
"Alright, alright, I did sell out. I sold out Madison Square Garden! Alright, I know I said a lot of bad stuff about ECW and, doggone it, I'm sorry! Because there was a time when I loved ECW. When I respected ECW. Back in the days when it was run by a visionary! Back in the days when it was owned by a true creative genius! Let's hear it for Stephanie McMahon! Long live the Alliance! Long live the Alliance! But enough about me, I, I know who you guys paid to see. He is the co-holder of the hardcore title, escorted to the ring by Lita, say hello to Eeeeedge!"
"Listen, listen, listen, you don't wanna mess with these idiots, you don't wanna mess with the ECW fans, because this is their night. This is like their Christmas. Only their Santa Claus is Jewish, fat, bald, and he gives out an endless supply of (bleeped - bullshit?). Yeah, you know what, but, all of you idiots are gonna go home, and you're gonna text your imaginary girlfriends about how good the show was. And after that you're gonna hop on the internet, and you're gonna pleasure yourselves looking at pictures of my actual girlfriend. I think it's all pathetic! I think you're all pathetic!"
"Alright look speaking of pathetic, besides all of you people, let's talk about Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer, the innovator of SILENCE." ....... "No you know what, those two guys actually think they have a chance at beating you two. I mean think about it, it was just last week, a poor defenseless woman - hell even I beat Tommy Dreamer. You know what, and when I sat on Tommy's face, I can guarantee ya, that was more action in one night than all of you had in the entire year. Guaranteed! Oh wait, and Tommy? That skank ya hang around? I'm sure it was a lot better for you, than it was for me."
THE OPPOSITION ENTERS, AND BEULAH TALKS
Jesus, Beulah looks a hell of a lot more haggard than she did LAST YEAR. "Lita, Lita, Lita. I never thought I'd see the day that the trash that comes out of your mouth is more disgusting than what you usually put in it. We all know how much you like threesomes, so why don't we make it official - let's make it three-on-three. 'Cause the bottom line, Lita, is either put up or shut up, BITCH."
The menfolk hold the women apart, but the match is official.
MICK FOLEY, EDGE & LITA v. TOMMY DREAMER, TERRY FUNK & BEULAH MCGILLICUTTY
These hamburgers are crazy. What do you say about this match? It wasn't as good as Dudleys v Dreamer/Sandman was last year, but that was different. The problem this match had going in was that they waited until a few days before it actually happened to make it interesting, yet it was the first match they started hyping at all. The broads were thrown in merely to get out of jobbing any of the dudes, since Edge pinned Beulah quite suggestively after a spear, and also to allow Joey to do his catfight bit. But mostly they stayed out of the way. Funk is absolutely out of his mind to be falling the fuck off of ladders at his advanced age and having no knees and God knows what else is wrong with him. Flair is also old, but not nearly as banged up (which is saying a lot), but he works a more consistent schedule. I'd kind of love to have one final Flair/Funk match, not so much because I think it would be any good, but just because I think Funk's last match (bahaha) should probably not involve Dreamer and Edge and Lita and Beulah, as much as he might love any or all of them. It was not a technically good match by any stretch of the imagination, but it was trademark old school ECW mayhem. The ECW most people refer to is the ECW I also saw first, like '98 to the end. I don't know how many people who bitch about this and that not being the REAL ECW have even seen stuff from like '95 or '96, because this holds up pretty well and pretty accurately with that stuff. And I'm not trying to sound like an elitist or anything. There's barbed wire and barbed wire that's on fire and Funk being taken out only to come back all bandaged and crazy, and Edge working his ass off to make it seem like Tommy Dreamer belongs anywhere near him in a ring if he's not wearing a referee's shirt. They didn't bring it like Rey and Sabu brought it, but they brought it. So big ups. Honestly though I was a bit disappointed that Dreamer didn't eat the pin.
BALLS MAHONEY v. MASATO TANAKA
You may recall that I love Masato Tanaka. I do not love Balls Mahoney but it's not that I have anything against him. I actually really enjoyed his tag teams with Spike and Tanaka. What I don't understand is why you'd bother to fly in Masato Tanaka from the distant Orient only to have him lose clean on one chairshot to Balls fuckin' Mahoney. The match was nothing and was merely a buffer between the last one and the main event. Whooooa Balls. Fuck that.
No. What I was kind of hoping for was Eugene coming out, acting retarded, and then just stopping it and moving to ECW as Nick Dinsmore. There's no good way to get out of the gimmick and it's all warshed up, but the dude isn't bad or anything, so why not? If it flopped then oh well. It's not like he's got much left to do with this shit anyway. But no, he's just retarded, and then we get The Sandman coming out to awful generic WWE rock music and snarling and puffing his cheeks and, well, he seemed half as retarded as Eugene if not a little more. God knows I truly do love the Sandman, a love that I have developed in the last year and a half or so, but this was crap. They really need to at least get that Motorhead version of "Enter Sandman" that was on the ECW album or he is just not going to work right. I know it can seem lame to suggest that Sandman can't be Sandman without the music, but he can't. So much of the Sandman is about that entrance. I mean 3000 people sang the song last year, it was a serious highlight of the show. This year he's chasing around a retard, swinging canes like a fool. It just looked stupid all around. And whoever is trying to make the Sandman emote, stop it. It's not his strong suit.
ROB VAN DAM v. JOHN CENA
Two ways to view the crowd here: (1) They were rabid, and (2) They were kind of phony and just doing what was expected and basically begged of them. I think both are probably accurate. When Cena tossed his shirt into the crowd, I flashed back to the Ortiz/Liddell fight where Tito threw his beanie and it got launched back at him. Sure enough, Cena's shirt came back. They did this like five times. I have never really liked John Cena, but I've had some appreciation for him from time to time. I might have had more for him tonight than ever before. He carried RVD admirably enough to make it a decent match even if you ignored the great atmosphere it had, but more than that, he didn't overdo it with the crowd. He never got corny. He just let them react and went about his business, which logically, a champion fighter-type guy would do. He didn't go all pro wrestling drama class, which at times is great, but this is a situation that didn't require it. Van Dam looked much better here than he has on WWE TV recently, but he still wasn't very good. Anyway Van Dam wins after two referees are K'd O, and Heyman runs in to make the three count. Kind of a queer finish with Motorcycle Helmet Edge spearing Cena through the table to set up the five star, and it's not as if John Cena couldn't have rebounded from doing a clean job to RVD at the ECW show anyway. Cena has been so well-protected over the last year and change that an occasional loss is hardly going to damage him. Plus you have all the X-factors. But I guess that's really too deep, as shallow as it is, for WWE to try out. I'm sure Van Dam will be forced to defend at a PPV against Edge and Cena in a triple threat or something of that nature and will drop the belt in somewhat controversial fashion, which could lead to Heyman simply declaring RVD the ECW champion anyway. Actually the best thing they could've done here is have RVD win the match, then throw the belt down, rehashing the Shane Douglas thing. But I suppose Vince didn't want to make it look like ECW was too good for his belt. Which, to be fair, might be smart. I don't know. The ending did leave me a little flat, but the Hammerstein crazies ate it up.
The shooooooow - I liked it. I'm not exactly JAZZED about the new ECW, but I'm interested, which is a big step up for my wrestling involvement in the last six months. I'll watch, which is good enough. I wouldn't say this show was worth 40 bones, but frankly I don't think there have been many wrestling PPVs I've ordered that were worth the money I paid for them, if I want to get honest about it.
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