TNA Wrestling Impact! #11
by Scott Christ
Oops! I missed last week because I just plain forgot about it. My bad. Honestly I wasn't too upset about it. If this week's show doesn't bat .500 then I'm probably done, because making sure to remember a useless show isn't THAT important to me. And I didn't read spoilers or anything since at 2:54 pm I remembered the show THIS week, so I don't know if that's even reasonable to expect. Is it ever?
Anyway, TNA Wrestling Impact!, episode No. 11 (double-digits!), taped on 08/12/04 and airing on Fox Sports Net on 08/13/04 from Universal Studios in Orlando.
Opening video focuses on stuff that could possibly happen. AJ Styles & Jeff Hardy team up today! I guess that's...intriguing? I don't know if that's the word I'm looking for.
NON-TITLE MATCH - PSICOSIS v. JEFF JARRETT (NWA Champion): Hey look! Psicosis! I am momentarily excited until Jarrett's music starts. Goddamn it, why no Psicosis match that I could actually enjoy? I enjoy Psicosis. Is wearing that mask an issue with Mexicans? Cubs? Is that an issue? (No! He did the same thing for the ECWA Super 8 and no one cared - thecubsfan) Jarrett jumps on him and stomps away before even taking his belt off. Psicosis misses an alleged stinger splash and gets tossed to the floor. Boy, Jarrett's a real big star and a true champion, what with how he always takes the match to the floor within a minute and doesn't bother wrestling or anything. This is soooooo 1999. (sooooo 1997 but I'm not linking to the horrible Worldwide recap - thecubsfan) Same old same old Jarrett match BS. Look, Psicosis got a fluky near-fall! Don't worry, Jarrett will take over on offense right away. Psi manages an inverted DDT. God, Psicosis looks like crap and I'm not sure if it's him being lazy because he's lazy now (I wouldn't know) or if it's him being lazy because here he is in Orlando wrestling Jeff freaking Jarrett. Hey, let's delay the stroke and make Psicosis look stupider than necessary. 1, 2, 3. (3'14") 0-for-1.
NEXT - Monty Brown. Oh boy.
WEDNESDAY - AMW v. XXX match 2 of best-of-3, Naturals v. 3LK for the tag title, Styles v. Kash streetfight, Petey v. Sabin for the X title, Monty v. Killings, Raven v. Sabu in a hangman's horrors match. If their matches ever, ever, ever lived up to their hype and/or potential, maybe I'd order a show now and then. That night of revenge seemed like an AWESOME idea, but they NEVER do anything right. And I know if I had a Raven/Sabu match that apparently had no heat, I'd sure run it again as the main event.
Commercials - Bocephus is coming to town.
Let's relive Monty Brown embarrassing wrestling on Best Damn Sports Show!
JIMMY RAVE v. MONTY BROWN: Ahaha - nice to see you, Jimmy Rave. Look, the superstar sends the jobber out and beats him up on the floor! See you later, Jimmy Rave. (2'25") 0-for-2.
NEXT - Naturals
Commercials
A techno dancing man is coming soon. Soooo 1999.
NON-TITLE MATCH - MIKEY BATTS & JERELLE CLARK v. THE NATURALS (NWA Tag Team Champions): Blonde one starts with Clark. I've still never bothered to learn which Natural is which. Okay, brown-hair is Andy Douglas. Backbreaker gets two. Jerelle Clark is 28? Haha. Jobbers double-team to turn the tide, but nevermind, Stevens clotheslines them both. Natural Disaster attempt, but KONNAN & B.G. JAMES are out to distract them, and it leads to Batts rolling up one of them for the surprise pin. (2'05") Wow. Really would've been better if it WEREN'T A TWO-MINUTE MATCH. Jesus. 0-for-3.
NEXT - Petey Williams
Commercials
Quick recap of the X division gauntlet.
NON-TITLE MATCH - PETEY WILLIAMS (X Division Champion, with Scott D'Amore) v. AMAZING RED: D'Amore slips up on the way out and says, "Just like last night, Red!" Fight right away and Red hammers Petey's face into the top turnbuckle. Dropkick puts him down and Williams bails. Somersault slingshot plancha looks horrible. Back in and Petey takes the advantage, but not for long. Red clothesline puts him down. Armdrag, elbows from a waistlock, roll-up gets two. That skycam is terrible. Red sent to the floor. D'Amore forearms Red in the back and slowly throws him back in. This is crawling. Snapmare and a dropkick to the spine. Really dumb move by Williams that starts with an inverted DDT and turns into a faceslam. That's innovation for the sake of innovation and looks retarded. Red hits the big move and both are down. Up and they're slugging, Red hits a crappy enzugiri and a standing shooting star for two. Oh man, this match is terrible. Canadian Destroyer is countered with a backdrop, and Red hits a Samoan drop for two. Red up top, and D'Amore hits him with the flag. Canadian Destroyer hits - 1, 2, 3. (4'26") 0-for-4. My God. VINCE RUSSO comes out with a mic and says from now on, D'Amore is barred from ringside.
NEXT - Raven
Commercials
TODD SEXTON v. RAVEN: I've never seen Sexton before and he's in the TPI this year. I doubt this is going to give me an idea of what he does. Raven with a clothesline and camel clutch while he mocks Sabu. Raven Effect. Hey, I was right. (1'01") This is pathetic. 0-for-5. Lights go out and when they come back on, SABU is in the ring hammering Raven. Sabu chokes him with the dog collar and chain until security interrupts. Worst Bad News/Savage pull-apart ever.
NEXT - Six points of Impact with Russo
Commercials
Six points of Impact with Russo - shockingly useless
MIKE & DON yell a bunch. DUSTY RHODES comes out to say D'Amore WILL be allowed at ringside (ooh!), but he'll be the equalizer.
NEXT - Shelley & Abyss v. Styles & Hardy
Commercials
ALEX SHELLEY & ABYSS (with Goldylocks) v. AJ STYLES & JEFF HARDY: Hardy slips trying to look cool on the way to the ring. Hammond makes a terrible analogy about Hardy tagging with Styles: "It reminds me kinda like a Nextel Cup driver comin' down to race with the Busch guys." One of those two is a former NWA champion; one of them is Jeff freaking Hardy. Styles starts with Shelley, best possible matchup. Chain stuff to start and Styles hits the dropkick to the mouth. Tag to Abyss. Actually Styles and Abyss work well together too. Just keep Hardy out. Goldylocks grabs Styles' foot poorly. Styles comes out to get in her face, Shelley gets in the middle, gets punched, and Abyss pulls Styles in. Hardy gets the tag back in and hits the Air Sabu off of Styles' back. Shelley gets backdropped to the floor and Abyss catches him. "Put me down!" Styles dives! Styles and Abyss get back in, Styles choosing to come in via springboard, but he is caught with a chokeslam. Nevermind, up for a press, nevermind, rana, nevermind, power bomb, nevermind, Abyss catches him off the ropes with a big slam of a thing I missed, so it was a spinebuster or a tilt-a-whirl awesomebomb or who knows. Shelley tags in with a flying dropkick for two. POUND AND GROUND! Shelley with a snap suplex for two. Tag to Abyss, who dominates until Styles hits a 'rana. Tag to Shelley, he's rocked and Hardy gets the hot tag. Terrible jawbreaker. Right hands and a slap. Into the buckle, out from the corner and Hardy hits a clothesline. I think he's blown up. Corner walk senton bodyblock hits, Abyss breaks the pin. Styles takes Abyss out. Swanton on Shelley - 1, 2, 3. (5'41") Uh. 1-for-6. Why not. Not that I'd really say it was.
I LIKE the idea of using Jimmy Rave or Todd Sexton or the Florida guys or Psicosis on this show. But their matches are short, worthless and usually not any good. This show is god awful pointless at this point. Maybe when they switch to the monthly PPVs it'll be worthwhile. Maybe then I'll give it another shot.