WWE RAW - 07/26/04
by Scott Christ


We're LIVE! from Pittsburgh and THE DIVA WANNABES are backstage dancing. Thank heavens THE COACH graces us with his presence. They're dancing and it's just amazingly unsexy. One of them is going to be cut - it's Julia, one of the twins. Dramatic music plays her away. Things get weird. Coach: "Tonight, this is your special assignment." Diva Wannabes: "Hahahaha!" Tonight they'll have to verbally seduce a former WWE superstar.

Iron man hype package

I sure missed this Raw music video last week.

EDGE is out? And there's a ring full of Superstars? Here comes MATT HARDY! Let's pause and see who's already in there: WILLIAM REGAL, SYLVAIN GRENIER, ROW-BEAR CONWAY, MAVEN, CHUCK PALUMBO, THE HURRICANE, ROSEY, RHYNO, TAJIRI, VAL VENIS, TYSON TOMKO, STEVEN RICHARDS and RODNEY MACK?. I don't think I much care for Regal's Dave Taylor singlet. CHRIS JERICHO is out. KANE is out. RANDY ORTON, BATISTA and RIC FLAIR are out. What did A-Train do to get left out?

And now, ERIC BISCHOFF is out. "Tonight - tonight, we will have a 60-minute iron man challenge for the WORLD - HEAVYWEIGHT - CHAMPIONSHIP! However - at SummerSlam, the winner of tonight's championship match, whether it be Chris Benoit OR Triple H, will defend that title against the winner of tonight's 20-man, over-the-top battle royal, which is about to begin RIGHT NOW, RING THE BELL!"

It's on!

20-MAN BATTLE ROYAL FOR A TITLE SHOT AT SUMMERSLAM: Chuck's new outfit is so retarded, but I like that he has red Mechanix gloves, Mechanix gloves being those gloves Sting wore in his emo phase. Clearly a nod to the greatest web site in the world. And I quote from a fanfic:

"Well....anyone tell you, that you look like Brendan Fraser of "George of the Jungle?" Tammy ask as she couldn't wait to see his reply.

Chuck starts laughing abit.

"Did I say something wrong?" Ask Tammy in a disappointing

"No, no it's just that's the first someone said that to me." Chuck answers as he laughs abit again.

"I'm sorry." Tammy says with a sad tone in her voice.

"No don't be, I like it, it's difference." Chuck replies as he smiles at Tammy.

Truly the most amazing story of our time. Anyway the battle royal. Regal is out first via Evolution. (ELIM: Regal, 00'45") Tomko is gone second via Jericho and Edge. (ELIM: Tomko, 01'26") Palumbo eats a spear from Edge. There goes Chuck via Edge and Jericho. (ELIM: Palumbo, 01'52") RKO on Edge! Evolution works on Jericho but Edge is back shortly after the RKO, which is dumb. Let's take a break. (02'32")

Commercials: Joe Schmo 2, Snickers Marathon, Collateral, Clearasil Ultra, Burger King/Spider-man 2, U.S. Cellular (local)

We're back and I think everyone who was there still is. No, nevermind, Val Venis got eliminated by Kane during the break, and then Matt Hardy was also eliminated by Kane. Hardy went after Kane before referees got him out of there. Hurricane is tossed by Richards and Mack. (ELIM: Hurricane, 06'35") Rosey charges and takes both of THEM out. (ELIM: Richards and Mack, 06'38") And then Rosey backdrops Jericho to the apron, only to get caught with an Edge clothesline and have Jericho low-bridge him. (ELIM: Rosey, 06'48") Tajiri is on the apron via Grenier, but tries a sunset flip back in. When that doesn't work, he pushes Grenier up via his ass and Grenier's gone. (ELIM: Grenier, 07'20") Conway follows right after on a backdrop to the apron and a superkick from Tajiri. (ELIM: Conway, 07'27") Flair goes after that sneaky Jap Tajiri. Batista boot-chokes Jericho and I've noticed Batista playing the same role in this battle royal he played in the last one on Raw, being a guy who wanders around and comes over to help his friends when they're in trouble. Tajiri tries to tarantula Kane, but Kane shoves him off. (ELIM: Tajiri, 08'03") Lawler's picking Kane. Maven's still in there as the Cinderella. Orton and Batista try to toss Jericho but he hangs on. Rhyno beats on Flair, which draws Batista's attention. Edge and Jericho double up on Orton, which gets Flair and Batista to come to his aid. Flair goes up top so he can get slammed off by Edge. Then he decides to get up but then lay back down so Jericho can put Flair in the Walls of Jericho. Jericho: "ASK HIM!" Batista kicks Jericho in the head. It's HARD to be Batista, goddamn it. Spear on Kane! Batista with some chops on Rhyno in the background. Kane grabs Edge's throat as we go to a break. (10'50")

Commercials: Wrangler, YJ Stinger, Monster.com, Castrol GTX High Mileage, truth, Skittles

During Break, Edge hit Orton in the dick. Kane takes everyone out and chokeslams Flair. We then get BATISTA V. KANE BATTLE ROYAL SHOWDOWN II! Not QUITE as awesome as the first time but still pretty awesome. I really dig that every time Batista and Kane are in the same ring it turns into them trying to find out whose dick is bigger, and every time by my watch, it's Batista 'cause SPINEBUSTER. But oh shit - GORE on Batista says that Rhyno has the biggest dick of all! Rhyno's arms and legs are looking real thin. Flair tries to flip his way out, but can't because he's an old man, and Maven clotheslines him out. (ELIM: Flair, 15'32") Big dropkick on Orton from Maven. Rhyno with a gore on Maven, but here comes Batista to throw Rhyno out. Haha, Batista wins again, bitches. (ELIM: Rhyno, 15'53") Edge and Jericho team up on Kane, and Orton and Batista go after them. Then they think better of it, and all gang up on Kane to send him out. That's pretty awesome. (ELIM: Kane, 16'18") Maven throws some nice forearms on Orton, and nearly backdrops him out. Orton wins that battle. (ELIM: Maven, 16'59") Final four is Jericho, Edge, Batista and Orton. Batista gets Edge up for the power bomb - holds it and waits - and Jericho runs over to push them both toward the ropes. Batista is teetering, and he's gone! (ELIM: Batista, 17'18") Edge struggles back up on the apron, and WHAM! Jericho nails Edge with a forearm, and we're down to two. Edge isn't too happy about that. (ELIM: Edge, 17'26") Jericho is apologetic but hey, Edge, he had to do it. Orton and Jericho smile and squint and stuff. Randy Orton Match Slugfest, Orton wins it. Orton tries to position Jericho to throw him out, but can't. Orton just drops him in the center of the ring. Orton positions for a catapult now, but Jericho hangs on. Backdrop on Orton, Orton's holding onto the top rope to block. Orton is grabbing any rope he can. No King, Jericho's feet are not on the floor, he isn't tall enough. Jericho skins the cat. Orton nails him, but Jericho hangs on AGAIN. Jericho grabs Orton in the Benoit/Big Show Royal Rumble finish with Orton playing Big Show. Orton falls, but he lands on the apron because he's not fat like Big Show. Both standing on the apron and trading shots and Orton goes cornball, slipping all over and nearly losing his balance. Orton gets back in on what was supposed to be Jericho using an up-kick. RKO! over the middle rope, and Jericho hangs on, but Orton dropkicks him out and Randy Orton is headed to SummerSlam! (ELIM: Jericho, 21'19")

Backstage, Coach and his whores stand around.

SummerSlam spot with Booker T fencing. OH SHIT! AND HE'S GOT A SWORD, TOO! CAN YOU DIG THAT, SUCKA?

Commercials: Exorcist: The Beginning, Castrol GTX High Mileage (2), Ashen on N-Gage QD, Sly 2, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Taco Bell, Blockbuster

Slam of the Week by N-Gage QD is Bischoff yelling at Coach's whores

Raw is brought to you by Maxim bringing you the 2004 Babe of the Year, YJ Stinger and Wrangler.

The Divas will verbally seduce a former Superstar. It's KAMALA. They do this with ALL OF THEM. It's amazingly unfunny from the get-go. I don't get the people that said it was funny the first few times, it wasn't. Kamala's pretty awesome but he can't save these retards. The worst part is either the girl who assumes Kamala is from Hawai'i or when the black girl instantly spouts off "Hercules Hercules!" from Nutty Professor with Eddie Murphy, which gives this away as a sham because I have absolutely no confidence that any of these girls are that quick-witted. The BEST is the girl in the green mesh top from 1989 saying, "Do you know what it means to VERBALLY seduce someone?", trying to be sexy but really just asking Kamala if he knows because she sure as hell doesn't. Jesus Christ. Plus a few of them touch his belly or tits and fuck that, Kamala would kill a slut for that and eat her. This is the biggest waste of time I've ever seen on a wrestling show except for that one time the first hour of Nitro was Hollywood Hogan and Kevin Nash making out.

Smackdown Rebound feat. Mike Kruel

To Be the Man by Ric Flair - available now

Commercials: Burger King/Spider-man 2 (2), Thunderbirds, Snickers Marathon (2), Clearasil Ultra (2), Reebok/Foot Locker, Comcast Spotlight (local), VanDerZee-Shelton Kawasaki (local)

Hard Knocks: The Chris Benoit Story - available today

UP NEXT, for about the 700th time, the iron man match

Your hosts are JIM ROSS and THE KING.

IVORY, LINDA MCMAHON and STACY KEIBLER are at the Democratic National Convention. Stacy is asked what issues matter to her as an 18-30 year old. Marvel as she struggles for her lines. um um um cost-effective health care. Ivory is not in the demographic, she's 106.

OH GOODIE!!!!!!! Diva Wannabes in bikinis. Vote vote vote

Backstage, Orton, Flair and Batista celebrate Orton's victory. TRIPLE H is here. Orton says it'll be the greatest honor of his life to face HHH at SummerSlam, and good luck. HHH doesn't need luck. He's the game, Randy Jack.

Live!
07/30 - The Pit - Albuquerque, NM
07/31 - Frank Erwin Center - Austin, TX
08/01 - Memorial Coliseum - Corpus Christi, TX
08/02 - RAW - SBC Center - San Antonio, TX
08/07 - Sovereign Bank Arena - Trenton, NJ

Viva La Diva sweepstakes

Commercials: Bond on SpikeTV, Sly 2 (2), Castrol GTX High Mileage (3), Stacker 2, Hellboy on DVD, Taco Bell (2), something with Carmen Electra that isn't Naked Wrestling

YJ Stinger presents Batista beating the crap out of Benoit

Here we go

60-MINUTE IRON MAN MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP - TRIPLE H (challenger, 265, Greenwich, CT, with YJ Stinger presents WWE SummerSlam on April 15) v. CHRIS BENOIT (champion, 229, now residing in Atlanta, GA): Your referee is Mike Chioda and he explains the rules to these gladiatorial super competitor warrior men extraordinaire. Collar-and-elbow, struggle and HHH gets the advantage going into the corner. Benoit turns him around after a right and chops the chest. Benoit sells the impact on his own hand. HHH backs Benoit down by exhibiting his size advantage. Forearms to the back, Benoit backs away again trying for a single-leg takedown. Side headlock from Benoit, picked up, kicking around, side headlock takeover and he holds onto it. HHH with a top wristlock and Benoit manages to armdrag his way out. Charge, into a crossface, but HHH rolls to the floor. Back in and Benoit grabs another side headlock. Very audible talking from HHH (I think it's HHH). Off the ropes, HHH goes down on a shoulderblock. Back off, stepover by Benoit, off the other side, HHH goes for the pedigree and Benoit gets out and backs down. "Triple H" chant. Waistlock takedown by Helmsley, and Benoit tries another crossface, but HHH rolls to his side and Benoit can only get a chinlock. Up into a side headlock.They repeat the shoulderblock -> stepover off the ropes thing, and this time Benoit has his wits about him and tries another crossface. Again HHH rolls to the floor. This time Benoit follows and chops him, and we're back in with Benoit focusing on the leg. HHH really sucks at taking dragon screws, but is it possible to blame him? That dude's quad exploded one time. Benoit with a chop, HHH with an elbow. Trade of rights, back-and-forth, and Benoit goes low again (to the leg, not the groin). Scoop aaand a slam from Benoit. Knee slammed onto the mat. Benoit charges the corner twice, and both times HHH gets the feet up. DDT from Helmsley. Pittsburgh gets hella lame chanting "here we go Steelers". Benoit telegraphs a backdrop and gets sternum-busted. Pedigree countered with a legsweep, Benoit tries the sharpshooter, HHH kicks him away. Crossface! HHH struggles, Benoit rolls it over into a crucifix - 1, 2, 3! (10'16" - CB 1 : HHH 0) Helmsley bails to the floor in frustration and we'll take a break.

Commercials: Bond on SpikeTV (2), Wrangler (2), Burger King/Spider-man 2 (3), Clearasil Ultra (3), Castrol GTX High Mileage (4), Centennial Wireless (local), parental control (local), Joe Schmo 2 (2)

Benoit has a rear chinlock on in the center of the ring. Benoit with another near-fall and he's bleeding from the mouth. Hard forearms to the back and a back suplex. HHH sells the back big. Cover, 2. Chop, chop, off the ropes, knee to the gut, abdominal stretch from Benoit and he's a little short for that. Helmsley finally maneuvers himself to the ropes and hiptosses Benoit to the floor. HHH rams him into the apron and we're back in. HARD Irish whip to the corner and Benoit risks paralysis every time he does that. I mean really, a surgically-repaired neck and he flings himself into the turnbuckles like that. This time the whip is reversed, but Benoit charges and again HHH gets the boot up in the corner, and Benoit hits hard there too. Shoulderblocks in the corner, with Benoit trying to forearm his way out but failing. Right hand puts Benoit down. A rare truly blown spot comes when Benoit falls on what was to be a whip reversal so that HHH could hit the Flair flip in the corner, but Benoit does such a good job selling that his back gave out on him that it's hard to even tell. In fact, I would've thought it was just an oddly-timed fatigue spot if JR and King didn't cover for it by saying they're sweaty. HHH attacks the back and they get the Flair flip spot in, and do it well enough that it doesn't seem stupid. Benoit goes crazy go nuts with the tope that is SO stupid because he crashes into the wall like a madman who didn't break his neck a few years ago, and he doesn't even get any impact out of it. Both men are down and we take a break. (19'56")

Commercials: Subway, Exorcist: The Beginning (2), Snickers Marathon (3), Sly 2 (3), Without a Paddle, Stridex - you know, that kid is going to REALLY freak out when he has to shave, Taco Bell (3)

We're back with 37'00" even left on the clock and Benoit is on the advantage. Benoit focuses more on the leg with another slam of the knee into the canvas, and now he has "almost a modified version of an Indian deathhlock, King!" He gets some near-falls here, headbutting the fuck out of HHH every time he raises his shoulders, which is sweet. HHH turns it over and Benoit breaks. Now Benoit brings him back down and locks on the figure-four leglock. Benoit screams at him to tape, but Helmsley hangs on. Another two-count in a submission. Helmsley turns this over, which works because Benoit's grip with the legs on the hold looks a little shaky because, you know, dude's short. Ten-punch attempt by Benoit, but it gets to six before Helmsley drops it down to interrupt. Both men down, Hemlsley is quicker to get up. Vertical suplex, Benoit slides down - German! German! German! Smart money would be to cover there, but if anything this match is showing that while Benoit is a fine "technical wrestler" in WWE terms, he's not a thinking man's wrestler. Very reckless and haphazard, what with the tope earlier that accomplished next-to-nothing and now a diving headbutt that misses. Benoit is selling the sternum area which goes back to Vengeance. Benoit goes sternum-first into the corner and JR even picks up that it's going back to Vengeance. JR also said Pegasus Kid earlier, let's give JR credit. Pedigree hits! 1, 2, 3. (28'53" - CB 1 : HHH 1)

Benoit rolls to the floor, and HHH encourages Chioda to count Benoit out and the count is on. HHH ends up breaking the count like a fool, but goes after him on the floor so maybe he's not as foolish as I thought. Steps pulled out some, and Benoit is dropped sternum-first from a vertical suplex position over the steps. No DQ for that or anything? Chioda puts the count back on, and Benoit is counted out of the ring. (31'10" - CB 1 : HHH 2) Let's take a break with Benoit still dying.

Commercials: Some Kind of Monster, Arby's, Castrol GTX High Mileage (5), Skittles (2), truth (2), Alien vs. Predator, Hellboy on DVD (2), Taco Bell (4)

We're back and Benoit is flurrying, but HHH fires him into the corner and Benoit again hits hard, chest-first. During Break, HHH suplex Benoit on the steel rampway. Helmsley busts out the vertical suplex -> throw, working Benoit's chest further. HHH with a HEART PUNCH, but Benoit starts firing back. Again, though, Helmsley whips him hard to the corner. Cover, 2. Let's take a chance to plug the Diva voting again. But King does it subtlely. King is on for this match, actually. JR isn't killing me. Benoit is having a lot of trouble breathing, really making HHH's efforts look good, because HHH himself has been rather pedestrian for this match. Which is not to say bad, he's been pretty good all year. Hard forearms to the back to try to knock Benoit's wind out some more, but Benoit turns and pastes HHH with a forearm shot. HHH was stunned momentarily but he's back up. Chop, chop, chop, off the ropes, reversed, spinebuster! Cover, 2, 3. (38'01" - CB 1 : HHH 3) We'll be back.

Commercials: Monster.com (2), Collateral (2), Sly 2 (4), Subway (2), Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Jungle Storm for N-Gage QD, Denver Mattress Co. (local), racin' on TNT (local)

HHH has an abdominal stretch locked on, holding the top rope and working the five-count like a champion. 18 minutes remian in the match. HHH goes for the pedigree again, but Benoit shifts his weight a little so Helmsley can't pull the move off. Benoit waits for the opportune moment, sweeps the legs, and goes for the sharpshooter, but again it's countered. Another attempt, the legs are locked, Benoit pulls, pulls, pulls, and the sharpshooter is on! HHH bites his thumb, clearly something he learned from Eugene during their time together. Helmsley sits up and crawls to the ropes while Benoit just stands there, refusing to sit back. Helmsley scrapes the rope, but Benoit pulls him to the center, sits back, and Helmsley struggles some more. HHH can't take it and he's going to tap - no he's not, he'll do more push-ups. There we go - tap tap tap! (44'11" - CB 2 : HHH 3)

"You tapped out" chants are back, they started the match too. Helmsley wisely rolls out of the ring. Chioda starts the count, but HHH gets back in at six, which Lawler finds stupid. Benoit breaks the count with a baseball slide dropkick, and now follows HHH on the floor. JR finds THAT stupid. Lawler counters by saying Benoit can't let HHH get himself together on the floor, and he has to be the aggressor. You can hear JR enjoy the King adding insight to the match by the tone of his voice when he agrees with him. HHH goes up to the second rope. Why? I don't know, he doesn't do anything off the second rope. He jumps, apparently with nothing in mind, and is caught with the crossface. Well, serves him right. Helmsley struggles but gets his foot on the ropes. Crossface again! Right in the center of the ring, and HHH taps out! (47'49" - CB 3 : HHH 3) Batista and Flair make their way to the ring, and we'll go to commercials.

Viva La Diva sweepstakes

Commercials: Bond on SpikeTV (3), Castrol GTX High Mileage (6), Burger King/Spider-man 2 (4), Thunderbirds (2), Clearasil Ultra (4), Snickers Marathon (4), Joe Schmo 2 (3)

Benoit is opening up with chops with about 08'30" left in the match. Benoit dumped to the floor and Batista stalks. Batista and Flair both hold their arms up innocently as Chioda warns them with his steely glare. Steely Dan. Here we go Steely Dan. Benoit back to the apron, shoulderblock, shoulderblock, third one blocked with a knee. HHH distracts Chioda, and Batista takes the opportunity to bounce Benoit's head off the ringpost. He didn't do anything, Chioda. You know, in all honesty, they have no business down there, so why doesn't Chioda just throw them out? When they were coming down, why didn't he say, "Hey, no, leave"? He can do that. If anything over the years we've learned that the referee only has to use judgment and needs no visual evidence to throw someone out. Now, maybe he should, but it's been proven time and again that he doesn't, so it presents this stupid thing I'm rambling about while Benoit lies on the floor, bleeding a good'un from his forehead as a result of Batista's interference. Batista throws Benoit back in - why? Why didn't HHH not distract Chioda and let Benoit get counted out? HHH covers right away, but Benoit gets a shoulder up. Six-and-a-half left to go and it's a tie ballgame. Helmsley misses a clothesline, and Benoit opens up. German! German! German? No, blocked. Chioda is sandwiched in the corner by Benoit, but that doesn't do him in, it's the HHH clothesline that does. Crossface on, Batista stands on the apron and considers doing something, but instead gets punched and sent into the post. Flair gives HHH a chair and distracts Benoit, also considering doing something but then not, and Benoit sends him packing. HHH has the chair though - whap! WHAP. WHAP to Benoit's skull from behind. No pussy shot to the back there, that was right to the cranium. Cover, but there's no referee. Bischoff is on the ramp now, and he's got Jack Doan with him. Doan slides in - 1, 2, NO! 1, 2, NO! 1, 2, NO! Flair is INCREDULOUS. HHH nails Doan, and now there's no referee again. Batista and Flair are in now and Batista throws shots to the body. HHH with shots to the busted open forehead now. The crowd is up - through the crowd it's EUGENE. Down go Flair and HHH. Rights for Batista. Rights for everyone, stunner on Flair. Rock bottom on Helmsley. Bob Holly's standing dropkick on Batista. Bischoff is on the apron and thank God at least he nails Bischoff, too, making this somewhat worthwhile. HHH has the chair, but Eugene catches him. Eugene's got it - down goes Helmsley! HUGE "Eugene" chants, and he takes off his jacket and throws it on the mat. HHH and Benoit are both down as Eugene leaves the ring, and we've got a minute-and-a-half left in the match with a 3-3 tie. Benoit is stirring and crawling with all he's got left. He drapes the arm with 45 seconds left, but there's no referee. Nevermind, Eugene tosses the dead Mike Chioda into the ring. Clock is ticking down and Chioda is still out of it. He's shaking off the cobwebs - 15 seconds left. 1. 2. 3. (59'54" - CB 4 : HHH 3) Six seconds later, it's over, and Benoit retains, 4-3.

Actually a better match the second viewing, knocked down slightly by the crappy WWE finish, but largely well-wrestled. I'd have liked there to be more actual matwork in the match since I feel actual matwork is a very important part of going a long time in a match, but they covered up with focused offense and did a good job in that regard. This was nowhere near as preposterous as the 47-minute Hell in a Cell, though, where they ran out of ideas and steam 15 minutes before they actually ended the match. It never got boring, they kept the lulls to a minimum and didn't stall a ton. Of course there's about 15 minutes missing from the match thanks to commercials, which does mean something, but it means something I didn't see, so I'll say it was a damn good match, and I think better than Lesnar/Angle by a fair bit after my initial reaction was that it wasn't.


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