TNA Wrestling Impact! - 06/04/04
by Scott Christ
Y'all ready for some shitty wrestling?
Yeah, that's right - I'm crapping on this before I even see it. Wouldn't you? The problem with this show, beyond the timeslot and that they can't afford to run these shows, is that the product is established as shitty. But this show is an hour long and I like watching wrestling, so we come to me recapping this show. Why not? (Because you already hate it, maybe?) Well, fair enough.
OPENING VIDEO: TNA Wrestling Impact!, Chris Harris dive, Christopher Daniels bashing Low Ki's head in, Abyss press slam on AJ Styles, Sonjay Dutt v. Amazing Red, Ultimate X - Chris Sabin and Hector Garza and Petey Williams, Sabu throwing a chair at Monty Brown, TNA, Kid Kash and Dallas, TNA, Raven, TNA, Abismo Negro, Styles table dive, Trinity moonsault, Abyss black hole slam on Ron Killings, Kash moonsault, Killings neckbreaker on Styles, Sting suplex on Jeff Jarrett on the ramp, Harris flying elbow on Styles, Jarrett el kabong on James Storm, Abyss throwing Styles into the railing, Juventud Guerrera reverse huracanrana on Sabin, TNA Wrestling Impact!
And now, from Stage 21 at Universal Studios at Universal Orlando Resort, it's Total Nonstop Action Wrestling Impact! This is episode No. 1 and we are airing on May 4, 2004 (taped May 3, 2004)
Welcome, everyone, to the debut of Impact! on Fox Sports Net. Tag titles on the line, #1 contender's match for the X title and an international six-man tag RIGHT NOW. This set is actually pretty good-looking, good enough that it makes their PPVs look really bad in comparison. Oops, I hope people don't buy the PPVs and go, "What is this shit."
IWA-MS CHAMPION PETEY WILLIAMS, BOBBY ROODE & ERIC YOUNG (with Scott D'Amore) v. AMAZING RED, SONJAY DUTT (India) & HECTOR GARZA (Guadalajara, Mexico): I wish they'd announce weights and more hometowns. This is Team Canada v. "Team International." The six-sided ring is blowing my mind here on the American television. They are using the FOX BOX which is unbelievably great. Your referee is Rudy Charles. We start fast with Team Canada on the floor and receiving dives from all three. Young and Dutt start proper. Dutt with a spinning headscissors as Tenay plugs the FOX BOX. It is great. It has the competitors (this match is TEAM CANADA vs TEAM INTERNATIONAL) and then the time remaining. Non-title matches get 10 minutes, title matches get 30, and if there's a draw, a judge decides the winner. That's kinda neat. Red tags in. Young with a backbreaker and Team Canada teams up in their corner with Charles distracted by Garza and Dutt. Roode stays in with Red and delivers shoulderblocks in the corner. Super shitty kneedrop from Roode - 1, 2, shoulder up. Tag to my main man Petey Williams. Williams off the top with the bulldog (held by Roode but not like the Steiners did it) - cover, 2, kickout. The crowd is pretty good and a lot bigger than the Nashville crowd. D'Amore gets a cheapshot in with Charles distracted again. Williams with a camel clutch-style chinlock and if Red's face conveys correctly, he is in very slight discomfort. Tag to Roode, vertical suplex. Cheapshots on Dutt and Garza. Pin, Garza breaks it. Tag to Petey, they send Red off the ropes and hit a double-team back elbow. Tag to Eric Young. Red off the ropes, spinning headscissors on Williams -> DDT on Young, tag to GARZA and I think to Roode. I dunno but Garza tilt-a-whirl slams Petey Williams. Roode comes behind and hits the sit-out power bomb, then decides to break his pin for no reason other than so Dutt can get a somersault huracanrana in. Wheelbarrow slam by Young on Dutt. Red's in, Code Red on Young. 1, 2, Williams breaks. Canadian Destroyer! Garza comes in with a hard low kick on Williams, followed up with a crazy wacky overhead slam. Dutt up top, Roode cuts him off and goes for the Edge, but he eats rana instead. Garza up top - tornillo! 1, 2, 3. (06'19") Wasn't great, wasn't bad, but it's definitely this type of match they need to showcase, so good job opening with this.
This past Wednesday night, there was a silly King of the Mountain match (echo) - it featured many spots and Jeff Jarrett winning via guitar shot. This Wednesday, Jarrett crowns himself King of the Mountain. Vince Russo cries. TUNE IN! $9.95! WEDNESDAY!!!
Commercials: Dodgeball, Home Depot, Pistons tickets
We're back and our hosts are MIKE TENAY and DON WEST. Mike's tuxedo of the week: tuxedo. Don's not wearing his usual get-up, instead going with a button-up TNA shirt that is unbuttoned just enough to peep his chest hair. Oh Don West. You are the sexiest. They talk about the PPVs. They will be celebrating their two-year anniversary all June. Here is a flashback: ew, Toby Keith. Ew, Jeff Jarrett. Ew, Scott Hall. Ew, Toby Keith's horrible suplex. Next week: Jonny Fairplay and Brian Urlacher. So the flashbacks will focus on celebrity appearances no one cared about when they happened?
EVERY WEDNESDAY!! THERE ARE PAY-PER-VIEWS!! $9.95!!!!!!! GOD! HOW CAN YOU PASS!!! THIS WEEK: Team Canada v. Lynn/Garza/Heavy Metal, 4-way "gut check" match with Shark Boy, D-Ray 3000, Sonjay Dutt and David Young, tag champs v. fan's choice, Frankie Kazarian v. winner of the four-way, Jarrett does stuff
Best of the NWA-TNA Title Matches
Commercials: The Casino, the Pistons are in the finals!, Tigers v. Braves, Home Runs v. Prostate Cancer, I Max, Detroit Sports Report
SHARK BOY (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea) v. ABYSS: Your referee is some dude. I like the tunnel. Shark Boy bites Abyss' hand on a chokeslam attempt. Standing dropkick wobbles Abyss. Corner mount - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, shove. Clothesline misses, Goldylocks is backstage watching the monitor. Shark Boy up top - crossbody is caught, press slam. Backbreaker is avoided, black hole slam hits - 1, 2, 3. (01'18") POPEYE congratulates Shark Boy on a good effort. What.
NEXT - Kid Kash & Dallas v. AMW for the tag title
Commercials: Toby Keith can go die, Universal Orlando, Grand Ole Opry on GAC, N-Gage QD, Bargain Network
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - AMERICA'S MOST WANTED (challengers) v. KID KASH & DALLAS (champions): Harris has a great sequined jacket. I've never seen Dallas before because I haven't watched TNA since the first X Cup. Your referee is Rudy Charles. Kash stalls trying to gather heat. Storm and Kash lock up at a little over a minute in. Go-behind by Storm, Kash reverses, Storm re-reverses, Kash gets a drop toe-hold and floats into the front facelock. Up, Storm with an armwringer, down into a chinlock. Kash up, elbow, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Kash off again, this time Storm gets a monkey flip. Clothesline, tag to Chris Harris. Kash to the corner, Harris whips Storm into him, off the other corner, facejam by Harris, cover, 2, Dallas breaks. Armwringer from Harris, tag to Storm. Off the ropes with an axhandle to the arm. "Cutting off the ring is harder than in the four-sided ring! There's more space - there's more TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION." Shut up, Mike. Kash with a hotshot on Storm, tag to Dallas. Dallas flips Kash into a moonsault on Storm, cover, 2. We need to take a break AND THE TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!!!!!! YES!!!!!! (03'24")
Commercials: Gary Allan, Universal Orlando (2), Home Depot (2), Method & Red
We are back and the tape machines were indeed rolling as we see Storm superkicking Kash during the break. Kash has the advantage back now, cover, 2. Hair-pull in the camel clutch position, break at four. Kash is no Sumie Sakai with the camel clutch hair-pull. Kash tries the moonsault off the shoulders of Dallas, but Storm rolls away. Tag to Harris! Tag to Dallas. Harris throws two hard clotheslines after some nice lefts and I really like Chris Harris a lot. Crossbody - 1, 2, kickout. Harris off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, off the other side, clothesline hits. 1, 2, break. Dallas and Storm in the ring, blackout -> frog splash! SPEAR by Harris on Kash. Big boot from Dallas on Harris. Storm ducks a big boot and Dallas gets crotched. Harris with the rollup - 1, 2, 3! New champs! (02'55" - 06'19" aired) This could've been longer and better but putting the belts back on AMW is a good move as they expand the audience. You've got to remember most people don't know anything about any of these guys. AMW are now four-time NWA tag champs.
Fat legs in cowboy boots walk - wait until you see who tonight's surprise judge is! I can't even possibly guess.
X Cup plugging in association with TNA ON PPV!!! $9.95!!!!!
Commercials: Josh Turner, N-Gage QD (2), MHSAA Finals
Tenay is in the ring and shock of shocks, it's DUSTY RHODES. "I tell ya what - you talk about IMPACT - impact heard 'round da world! Impact heard in ova forty-eight hundred million - hundred million countries 'round da world! It is a maja impact! And da impact is - tradition lives at TNA." 48 hundred million. "Well you talk about NWA history, you talk about the tradition of Lou Thesz. You talk about the Nature Boy Buddy Rogers! (boo) You talk about Jack Brisco Harley Race Terry Funk - the Truth, AJ Styles, and you talk about the American Dream Dusty Rhodes, that's tradition! That's what we all about in TNA." How about King of the Mountain. "You know for a long time I really believed that Jeff Jarrett was a brothaaaa - in tradition. He was a brothaaaa in the old-school ways in representing, respecting, HOLDINDAHIIIIIGH - exteem da NWA world heavyweight title. But - after a while then he changed his spots, I think for the almighty dolla, y'know what I'm talkin' about? So da bottom line wit dis situation is, he is -" nevermind the bottom line, it's SUPERSTAR JEFF JARRETT here to grace us with the aura of a true headliner. "Dusty, just look at you. What are you even doing here, Dusty (2)? Dusty (3), I was fifteen, sixteen years old - I admired you, I respected you." Elbow chant? Awesome. "I was even grateful to you, Dusty (4), for the things that you taught me about professional wrestling. Dusty (5), Dream, that was 20 years ago, and you were in the twilight of your career then. Dusty (6), I don't even get it. You don't realize I'm tryin' to help you. I'm tryin' to - seriously, Dusty (7), look at me - I'm tryin' to keep you from embarrassing yourself over and over again. Dusty (8), what is it, the money? You need 50 bucks, hundred bucks, twenty, two hundred bucks? Dusty (9), listen - there's a place for guys like you in this business. It's just not standing next to the three-time NWA world heavyweight champion. It's not lookin' ah-ta-ah with the King of the Mountain. Dusty (10), it's not bein' in the ring - my ring. Alright, alright, I get it, I get it - let me spell it for ya out a little different, you people, you Tenay, and you Dusty (11) Rhodes, okay? Little example, it's high noon in wild wild west - Dusty (12), you'll understand this. You're John Wayne, you're the sherrif, 10-gallon hat, you come ridin' into town - I'm the local villain. The way we're gonna settle our differences is, I tell ya what we're gonna do Dusty (13), okay? I'm gonna take five steps forward - no, five paces forward - and when I turn around, if you ain't outta Dodge, I'm gonna run ya out. Deal? Here we go!" Haha Jarrett struts on the paces "One! Two! Dusty (14), you better be gone! Three! Four! Five. Dusty (15), ya better be gone." He's not and he begins punching Jarrett. Jarrett fights back and gets the guitar, but here's RON KILLINGS for the save. Killings fucks up and gets kabonged. BG JAMES and KONNAN run in now, Jarrett high-tails it. James takes the mic: "Jeff Jarrett! Jeff Jarrett! It seems to me, you remind me a little of Eddie Van Halen - without your guitar, you ain't nothin' but a mortal man! Now you have el kabonged the last member of the 3 Live Kru, I promise you this, Jeff Jarrett! Wednesday on pay-per-view, you will have to answer to the 3 Live Kru!"
We'll be back with this piece of shit right here - VINCE RUSSO. He'll be interviewed by Shane Douglas. WORST SEGMENT EVER
Best of the X Division on DVD
Commercials: Dangerous Jobs on the National Geographic Channel, Best Damn Sports Show Period, FSN Detroit, NFL Sunday Ticket, I Max (2)
X Division hype - good stuff. Frankie Kazarian v. the winner of the four-way
We're backstage with SHANE DOUGLAS, who wants to know who the fourth competitor is in the match. Russo isn't saying.
X DIVISION #1 CONTENDER FOUR-WAY MATCH - CHRIS SABIN (already in ring) v. PRIMETIME (already in ring) v. MICHAEL SHANE (already in ring) v. AJ STYLES (215, Gainesville, GA): Some people are going to bitch about him going back into the X division, but seriously, again, no one knows who these guys are. They don't know what they've done. Doing a repeat of Styles' ascent up the ladder into him eventually getting back into the world title picture could work out for Styles, and it could really give the X division a rub to constantly be talking about a former two-time NWA world champion in these matches. Plus, the fact is he's the best they have at the style and carries himself like a star. We're going all four men at a time here. Your referee is Andrew Thomas (I think). Sabin and Styles pair off, Primetime and Shane. Sabin comes after Shane, Shane gets a flapjack -> rib breaker. Primetime with a terrible rana on Styles. Sabin clotheslines Primetime to the floor and Skipper even made that look shitty. Shane and Styles in as Tenay mentions Shane being the cousin of Shawn Michaels. Styles with a lovely dropkick and yeah, he's a star. He's going to be the easy breakout star of this TV deal (if they have one). Sabin in with a springboard dropkick on Styles. Skipper comes back in with a terrible somersault clothesline. Cover, 2. Goddamn can't Skipper do anything right? APPARENTLY NOT as he takes a crossbody like total shit, then does a terrible heel kick for two. Shane and Primetime going at it, Shane gets the wheelbarrow suplex and draws the heel heat. Lots of boooooing with THUMBS DOWN!! Shane with a right on Skipper, Styles trips Shane and brings him to the floor. Styles tries a suplex on the floor, but Shane fights off and reverses. Primetime with a uranage of sorts on Sabin, cover, 2. Shane in, terrible fisherman's DDT. Cover, 2, Styles breaks the pin. Styles nearly misses the springboard backflip reverse DDT, but manages to make it look sweet anyway. Sabin breaks the pin. Sabin avoids a rollup by rolling right through, off the ropes, springboard tornado DDT! Skipper stands there watching the pin. 1, 2, Styles gets a shoulder up. Basement dropkick on Primetime by Sabin, Shane gets back into the match by catching Sabin with a belly-to-belly. No pin attempt, Shane goes up top. Styles cuts him off and crotches him. Primetime is up now and gets the ropewalk, sending the huracanrana to the floor. That looked like shit too. Boy is he terrible. Sabin's German suplex doesn't connect and he and Styles trade shots. Styles sends Sabin through the ropes into Skipper and now he has to do something wild. Running star, somersault dive onto Primetime. "TNA" chant. Shane and Sabin back in and we have about four minutes left. Sabin and Shane in the ring, Shane posts Sabin. Stomp stomp, Styles comes in with a sunset flip, no, STYLES CLASH! 1, 2, 3! (06'19") Total piece of crap as an actual match, mostly thanks to Primetime being about the worst wrestler on earth, but it was fast-paced and exciting and exactly what they need to present on this show. FRANKIE KAZARIAN is on the ramp and he jaws with Styles some. They'll meet on Wednesday! Goodbye from Impact!
Well, they did some good stuff, focusing on the X division and getting the tag belts on America's Most Wanted. One assumes Styles beats Kazarian on Wednesday and then you've got a lot to work with there. I still think this is doomed to fail and most likely kill the company, and honestly this was only better than the PPVs in that I didn't pay to see it.
But I question how one says "Dusty" 15 times in one promo.