WWE RAW - 05.03.04
by Scott Christ
I'm going to try to get all the way through this before going to bed to get up and play golf for the second time in three days.
You know, on a totally unrelated topic, both to watching Raw and golf, NBC's treatment of Frasier this season has been ridiculous. It's a great show! Well, maybe not great anymore, maybe only goodish now, but there was a time it was fantastic. WO.com superstar Justin Shapiro has said mostly the same thing. I love Friends, more than I love Frasier, but Friends has really sucked this season. Friends is getting a grand sendoff, but not as grand as Seinfeld. Or Cheers. And now I go *to* WO.com and Dave says the SAME THING. Listen, WO.com, clearly I am of your kind.
Scrubs season finale was okay, but a little too wedding episode wacky, really. Turk Turkleton was my favorite part.
CC - TV-14-DLV - SmackDown!/Confidential/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - RAW - Bischoff/Johnny Nitro
Michaels/Benoit video package - and a good one, at that
Union Underground loves Raw! Live on May 3, 2004 from the America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ! There are many fireworks! There are many signs! TONIGHT - Chris Benoit v. Shawn Michaels for the World's Heavyweight Championship! Oh sweet - THREE weeks in a row.
RANDY ORTON (Intercontinental Champion), BATISTA & TRIPLE H (combined 838) v. SHELTON BENJAMIN (248, Orangeburg, SC), TAJIRI (206, Japan) & EDGE (1/2 World Tag Team Champions, 250, Toronto, ON): Man, HHH looks flabby standing next to Batista and Orton. That's a really cool face team. Your referee is Chad Patton. HHH and Benjamin stand to start, but Orton wants Shelton, and he gets the tag before there's a lockup. Lawler smells a title change. Benjamin with two armdrags, Orton gets some shots to the back. Leg is caught, Orton blocks the dragon whip, Orton's clothesline misses, Shelton's doesn't. Armbar and backed into the face corner, tag to Tajiri. Kick! Kick! Whip is reversed, Tajiri with an armdrag and a drop toe-hold and an armbar. Orton rakes the eyes and Tajiri is in the wrong corner. Tag to HHH, big heat on him. Kick to the gut, right hand - "you tapped out" chants are big. Off the ropes, HHH clothesline is ducked, Tajiri hits the spinning heel kick and tags Edge. Big pop for Edge and there's some electricity in the air for some reason with these two. Edge and HHH have a cool sequence where Edge pisses HHH off with counter wrestling. Three straight headlock takeovers that end with Edge using a headscissors out of it. Collar-and-elbow, HHH with a knee to the gut and a shot to the back. Tag to Randy Orton. Shitty European uppercut. Into the corner with a blatant choke. Edge with a clothesline and Orton begs off. Thumb to the eye. Stuff like that where Orton seems to be learning from hanging around with Flair makes the show more fun to watch, too bad they don't do it more often. BATISTA IS IN! Running (well, strolling) powerslam - cover, 2. HHH comes in illegally and the crowd is all over him. Referee is distracted and Edge is the face-in-peril. Shelton Benjamin gets to be the one with the emotional control of a woman. HHH works the broken hand. Batista in and he's working the hand too. You know, Batista is really awesome. This guy has gotten good in a hurry teaming with Flair. He beats John Cena in the ass, that's for sure. Edge fights back against HHH in a slugfest, which Edge wins. Backdrop is telegraphed and the facebuster hits. Cover, 2, Shelton breaks it up. HHH sends him off the ropes, clothesline ducked, spinning heel kick. HHH is so stupid he's done that twice against two different people in one match. Both men down and the count is on. Edge tags Tajiri! Tajiri kicks the crap out of HHH, off the ropes, handspring elbow! Kick for Orton! Dropkick to Batista! Holy shit, Tajiri is KILLING EVERYONE! Tornado DDT is blocked, but the DDT part ends up hitting anyway. Cover, 2. Tajiri RULES. Batista in, off the ropes, handspring elbow is countered with a lariat. BATISTA IS AWESOME! Tajiri and HHH are down and we'll continue after the break (08'22")
Commercials: Ride With Funkmaster Flex, Motor May-hem Month, Syphon Filter: The Omega Strain, Castrol GTX, Clearasil, Twix, Martin's Supermarket (local), Afdent (local), SpikeTV bumper
We're back and Orton is in control against Tajiri. Standing dropkick connects and JR informs me that Tajiri has been isolated during the break. Tag to Batista, forearm to the small of the back. These two should have a thousand matches. Lawler doesn't like the mist. JR is "not conding the green mist." Nor that illegal interference from HHH. Tajiri dead on the floor and HHH throws him back in. "Is it true when you turn an Oriental upside down, he becomes disoriented?" HHH in, Tajiri gets a backslide for a near-fall. Back to the heel corner and Orton tags back in. Orton with a chinlock. "Tajiri's great great grandpa was a kamikaze pilot." Hey, Tajiri can't say Ls! Tajiri loves rice! Tajiri loves sake! Tajiri loves anime! Tajiri is afraid of Godzilla, sometimes! Crowd is hot for the comeback, Tajiri elbows out, Orton forearms him. Off the ropes, backdrop is telegraphed, Tajiri tries a sunset flip, Orton sits down on it, Tajiri bridges out and kicks Orton right in the temple. Orton's sell there is awesome. Hot tag is to Edge! Shelton Benjamin hasn't done anything. Edge is all over everybody and now he's up top - flying double clothesline on HHH and Orton! Edge sets for the spear on Orton and has the CRAZY EYES. Batista cuts the spear off because BATISTA IS THE MAN! Shelton in and he puts Batista down with some rights, Shelton shakes the referee and hits a crappy Stinger splash on Batista. Clothesline to the floor. Edge and Orton are alone in the ring, everyone else is down outside. RKO? Tajiri with a kick to the midsection to stop it. Batista hammers Tajiri in the corner, Edge gets backdropped to the floor. Sit-out power bomb from Batista on Tajiri - GREEN MIST! It all got in his mouth but he's blind anyway. Orton tosses Tajiri out and tends to Batista - spear on Orton! Cover - 1, 2, 3! (06'02" - 14'24" aired) That's a hell of an opener.
Commercials: YJ Stinger, TransFormers by Atari, Milky Way, Van Helsing, truth, Burger King "I'm Spicy" alternate take
TONIGHT - Benoit v. Michaels for the World's Heavyweight Championship
Backstage, THE COACH and GARRISON CADE are chillin'. "I got another for ya, Garrison, ya ready? What does a cactus and the women of Phoenix have in common? They're both PRICKLY! Ya get it? Nobody shaves around here!" How awesome is Coach? "But seriously, when you think about it - the only thing hot about Phoenix IS the weather. It's certainly not the ladies - they're BRUTAL!" "Don't worry, I told ya I'd take care of the situation, OK? Right now as we speak, I got two midwest hotties on a flight right now" Coach is distracted, because VINCE MCMAHON is here. Coach takes off his fsunglasses and beanie. That's good stuff. Vince calls the ladies of Phoenix beautiful and lays on the forced, obnoxious hype, giving his seal of approval to Benoit and Michaels. He calls the main event "pure artform."
Here is a shot of the beautiful America West Arena in beautiful Phoenix, AZ
Smackdown Rebound features Kurt Angle's return and Booker T being terribly afraid of the Undertaker. Undertaker is in action THIS WEEK!
Our hosts tonight are JIM ROSS and JERRY THE KING LAWLER. They talk about the house show where Eddie's mom had a heart attack.
Backstage, Triple H and Batista and Orton confront ERIC BISCHOFF. They are mad! JOHNNY NITRO comes in to whisper to Eric, apparently telling him that Vince is here. Bischoff tells Johnny to get the skybox ready and stocked with 12-year olds. Bischoff makes three matches for next week: Batista v. Tajiri, HHH v. Shelton III, Orton v. Edge for the IC title. Orton is skeptical.
Commercials: Snickers, Onimusha 3: Demon Siege, Troy, Subway, Stridex, Taco Bell, freevibe.com
Milky Way brings you Eugene setting off pyro and costing Rob Conway a match last week
ROB CONWAY (230, Province of Quebec, with SYLVAN GRENIER) v. THE HURRICANE (215, homeless, with ROSEY): Later tonight, we'll see footage of Eugene training with Regal. But right now, Conway will tune up for a stiff retard challenge by wrestling the Hurricane. "USA" chant accompanies a standing switch. Conway charges the corner and catches an elbow. JR finds it "somewhat unique that an American would be a French sympathizer." Conway with a swinging neckbreaker followed by a mount-and-pummel. Conway with a left-arm clothesline, cover, 2. Conway stretches Hurricane's neck and Rosey slaps the mat somewhat in tune with "USA" chants. Right by Hurricane, another, Whip is blocked, kick to the gut, off the ropes, Hurricane gets a clothesline. Off the turnbuckles, reverse neckbreaker. Cover, 2. Hard right, shining wizard misses, hotshot from Conway turns the tide. Conway drapes Hurricane's legs over the top rope, then hits an overdrive or roll of the dice or whatever. That move sucks. It wins the match, too. (03'08") Conway takes the mic. "Hey Eugene! Or should I say - ya - ya-ya - YOOOGEEENE! What you just saw is a preview of what's in store for you next week! You can train all ya want, but next week, a very special person is gonna get a very - SPECIAL BEATING!" Yeah you tell him dude. Lawler dissects that statement and finds that he was likely calling Eugene a retard.
Tale of the Tape on Benoit/Michaels
WrestleMania XX on DVD - I got it!
Commercials: Motor May-hem Month (2), Game Boy Advance, Gatorade X-Factor, Castrol GTX (2), Guy's Marine (local), Attorney Jim Boardman (local)
JR and the King discuss Kane's "weird infatuation" with Lita. Let's take you back to last week.
STEVEN RICHARDS (already in the ring and unannounced) v. KANE (320, homeless): Kane beats the crap out of Richards right out of the gate. Clothesline in the corner. Steven Richards should so be in Johnny Nitro's position but still wrestling. Big boot. Chokeslam. 1, 2, 3. (00'36") Kane runs away. At least new dark-haired referee didn't flop around on his counts this week. Maybe that was an initation rib or something.
Did you miss the WWE Experience??? It had stuff on it!
Commercials: Motor May-hem Month (3), Hitman: Contracts, Breakin' All the Rules, Snickers (2), Clearasil (2), Taco Bell (2), Stridex (2), Boost Mobile - because old people using young people lingo never stops being funny
Here is CHRIS JERICHO and he is here for the Highlight Reel. "Y'know I've been referred to as the Highlight of the Night many times, but let's be honest, let's be honest - tonight the highlight is the Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels world title match. And everyone's been askin' me all day, 'Hey Chris, what are your predictions about this match? Whaddaya think?' And what I think is this - it's been far too long since Chris Jericho had a world title match of his own. It's been far too long since Y2J had a title match of his own, so tonight, I'm gonna make a challenge. Tonight, I'm gonna challenge the winner of the title match. Shawn Michael - Chris Benoit, Shawn Michaels, either one, I just wanna let 'em know, that there's a new challenger waiting in the wings, and the initials are not H.H.H., the initials are Y.2.J." I don't think those are your initials, dude. "So that brings me to my guest tonight." How? "Now this is a man who's had his share of problems with Kane lately, a man who's been living dangerously, who's been taking a lot of chances, and I think he's been doing this to attempt to reconcile with his former girlfriend. So ladies and gentlemen, and Jerichoholics of all ages, let's get some answers tonight - please welcome MATT HARDY VERSION ONE-AH." Matt Fact: Matt believes in karma. Matt Fact: Matt is not afraid of pain. Long, retarded story short, Matt asks Lita to come out, but she appears on the Tron to say she's found someone else, then starts screaming that Kane has her locked in the boiler room. So he runs to help her. Lita's acting isn't so great. This brings out TEAM CHRISTIAN. "Hold on one second, Chris - this isn't the end alright, this is just the beginning, the party's about to get started. You look confused, Chris, you look confused. Well you see, last week you put your hands on me. And you put your hands on this innocent little angel, Trish. It could've been so easy, Chris, you could've just walked away. But you've decided to make yourself a problem. That's unfortunate for you, Y2J, that I've got myself my own personal problem solver, Tyson Tomko." Tomko charges the ring and trades with Jericho. Jericho thumbs him in the eye to gain the advantage. Christian is in and Tomko kicks Jericho right in the mouth. Jericho gets another beatdown.
Commercials: Ride With Funkmaster Flex (2), Troy (2), Clearasil (3), Milky Way (2), Game Boy Advance (2), Vehix.com (local), Comcast (local), Motor May-hem Month (4)
WWE Live! Friday in New Orleans! Saturday in Lafayette, LA! Sunday in Fresno! One week from tonight, Raw from San Jose!
During the Break, Matt located Lita and she further flexed her acting muscles. Matt threatens to kill that bastard. She "doesn't wanna talk about it." Lita has been raped by Kane!
GAIL KIM is out with MOLLY HOLLY. Molly still has the HILARIOUS wig. Look at that HILARIOUS chinstrap! Gail takes the mic: "I really hope that no one's feeling sorry for Lita. 'Cause I'm not! As far as I'm concerned, she got EXACTLY what SHE DESERVED! If you people -" yeah shut up here's VICTORIA.
NON-TITLE MATCH - GAIL KIM (Korea, with MOLLY HOLLY) v. VICTORIA (Women's Champion, Los Angeles, CA): JR thanks Pat Tillman and all the military personnel that have died or not died. Gail whips Victoria into the corner, then hits a short-arm clothesline. Corner whip is reversed, Gail stumbles out and Victoria tries to gorilla press Gail. She fails and just drops her. Victoria has a seizure and does the standing moonsault - 1, 2, Molly pulls Victoria off but Jack Doan didn't see it. Elbowdrop by Gail, then she pulls Victoria's hair and asks me what I think about it. I dunno, it's nice I guess. Gail continues to dominate with the Blatant Choke. Victoria dumped to the floor and Molly gets some cheapshots in with Doan distracted. Gail Kim with a legdrop. JR insists it was her elbow. JR is so wrong. 1, 2, kickout. Gail works the back and also the face. It occurs to me that women are never upset about their pretty faces being messed with, only dudes like Rick Martel. Lawler compares Gail to Uma Thurman in the Kill Bill movies because she knows martial arts, assumedly because she's Asian. Gail with a dragon sleeper. JR says it's modified but I don't really see how. Gail changes to a chinlock which seems stupid. Chinlocks don't win matches. Victoria elbows out, off the ropes, and Gail lariats her down. Gail with a kick to the gut, killing Victoria's baby. Kick to the - well, she kicked her straight in the tit. Let's not mince words. Back to the dragon sleeper and I'm enjoying Gail Kim all of a sudden. By the way, it's about 7am right now and I clearly have not been able to sleep. I will play golf anyway because I'm a warrior. Molly distracts Victoria again, but she gets a hotshot on Gail. Backdrop and Gail is reeling. Victoria with the flapjack thing with Gail trying to hang onto the ropes. Hard right, crappy right, another right that was neither hard nor crappy, Gail's off the ropes and she's got the headscissors/armbar hold on. Victoria drops to her knees, then she's down completely and this move looks really awesome. It would be better if Gail's armbar was more convincing, but hey. Victoria taps out! Wow, no kidding. Man, what a good move. Gail Kim is way better than I remembered. (06'11")
TONIGHT - Benoit v. Michaels for the World's Heavyweight Championship
Here is the WWE Training Facility. EUGENE is warming up in the ring, and WILLIAM REGAL is discussing the "bloody torture session" he's about to put Eugene through with DR. TOM PRICHARD. We'll be back.
Eddie Guerrero v. John "Bradshaw" Layfield - the WWE Championship - Judgment Day - May 16
Commercials: 10 Things Every Guy Should Experience, Castrol GTX (3), Subway (2), Breakin' All the Rules (2), truth, Stridex (2), Virgin Mobile
Vince is in his skybox. I remember when Skybox had the dopest basketball cards, with all that computer graphicery and whatnot.
Regal and Eugene are training. Regal shows him the collar-and-elbow and armdrag. "Armdrag! Ricky Steamboat did armdrags!" "Yes, Ricky Steamboat, yes, he did very good ones. Right." Regal examines. Regal is freaking brilliant. Eugene tries it himself - AND SUCCEEDS GREATLY! OH MAN! Regal is amazed. Bodyslams! Cheesy music! Yeah, okay, this is pretty funny. Dr. Tom cheering Eugene on is perhaps the best part. Or maybe the best part is Regal taking a water break and Eugene putting a HHH water bottle in his face. Or maybe it's Eugene poking him in the eye with a Rikishi action figure. Regal decides to show him ... the chain-wrestling! Eugene outmaneuvers him! Eugene gets him in a double chicken wing! Eugene gets the Regal stretch! Regal taps! "Master Eugene. I think you're ready." "I'M READY!" Yeah yeah yeah. King is shocked. JR is impressed.
NEXT WEEK - Eugene v. Rob Conway! NEXT WEEK - Batista v. Tajiri! NEXT WEEK - Triple H v. Shelton Benjamin! NEXT WEEK - Randy Orton v. Edge for the IC title!
I'm Back! Bischoff is out with Johnny Nitro. "Hold on, hold on, hold on, JR - if you think those matches are great - AND THEY ARE - you just wait until you hear what I've got scheduled next week. And by the way, I'm not, I'm not about to make this announcement simply because the Chairman of the Board is here - ah-ah. But next week, right here, Monday Night Raw, Eric Bischoff presents Christian versus Chris Jericho! Oh but wait, there's more! See this is not just any other match - not on my watch. Oh no. See, Christian and Chris Jericho are finally gonna be able to settle their differences - without any interference from Trish Stratus - without any help from Tyson Tomko, Christian's problem solver. Because next week, right here, on Monday Night Raw, it's gonna be Christian versus Chris Jericho - IN A FIFTEEN-FOOT HIGH STEEL CAGE! Thank you!" I'm Back! Vince golf claps. Maybe he'll show up on Smackdown and be like, "Hey. What is this."
Repeat of the opening video package
Commercials: Ride With Funkmaster Flex (3), Snickers (3), Plug & Play Games, TransFormers from Atari (2), Twix (2), Taco Bell (3), Fram AirHog, Stridex (3)
YJ Stinger presents Michaels hitting Benoit with a chair and Benoit retaliating with a sharpshooter
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - SHAWN MICHAELS (challenger, weightless, San Antonio, TX) v. CHRIS BENOIT (champion, 1/2 World Tag Team Champions, Edmonton, AB/Atlanta, GA, 229): Further proof that Michaels is a woman is they no longer announce his weight during his entrance. Your referee is Mike Chioda. Collar-and-elbow, struggle into the corner, Benoit breaks relatively clean. Collar-and-elbow, repeat. Michaels turns it around in the corner, and they struggle with one another again. Chioda tells them to listen up! Collar-and-elbow, Michaels wins this one, Benoit turns it in the corner. Break, Michaels shoves Benoit. Michaels throws a right, chop in return, chop, chop, forearm from Shawn, headlock takeover. Benoit rolls it, 1. Back to the headlock. Up, Benoit with a forearm, off the ropes, Michaels with a shoulderblock. Michaels gets a few boos. Headlock takeover again. Lawler is doing something totally weird - he's adding insight to the match. Up and Michaels brings it to the corner. Chop. Forearm shot. Corner whip, charge, Benoit gets the boots up and comes out with a lariat. Off the ropes, back body drop. Lariat against the ropes and Michaels hits the floor. Michaels back up to the apron, Benoit forearms him down. Back in, snap suplex! "Shades of the Dynamite Kid." SHADES SHADES SHADES! Backbreaker, cover, 2. Chop from Benoit, off the rope, backdrop is telegraphed and Michaels hits the swinging neckbreaker. What the hell, JR is calling the match very well. Lawler is too. These guys do this once every few months and it astounds me every time. Benoit with rights, off the ropes, Michaels with the flying burrito. Both men down - kip-up. Boooo. Atomic drop is blocked, Benoit counters with a crossface attempt. Michaels scurries away, up, Benoit tries again, Michaels scurries away, up, and he gets an axhandle shot. Both men down again. SUDDEN BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (05'10")
Commercials: Burger King "I'm Spicy" Alternate Take (2), Van Helsing (2), Twix (3), Gatorade X-Factor (2), Syphon Filter: Omega Strain (2), Denver Mattress Co. (local), Patio Enclosures Inc. (local)
We're back and JR apologizes. Michaels has the abdominal stretch locked in. We get a replay from the break of Benoit hitting the buckles hard and then taking a backdrop to the floor. Benoit counters with a crappy hiptoss, goes for an elbowdrop, and misses. Small "HBK" chant that fails to grow much. Michaels with a vertical suplex. Michaels drives the knee into the spine four times. Into the corner, chop, Benoit fires back with a forearm. Repeat. Michaels with rapid-fire rights, corner whip and Benoit hits hard again. Michaels covers, 2. Side suplex, cover, 2. They're working a deliberate pace here. Benoit off the ropes, a doozy of a believable inside cradle, 2. Backslide, 2. Oklahoma roll, 2. Michaels with a reverse atomic drop and a clothesline to kill Benoit's momentum. Scoop aaand a slam. Crowd is solidly behind Michaels now, it would seem to me. Scoop aaand a slam #2. Michaels heads up top - flying elbow! Michaels is worked up and stomping. Benoit ducks the superkick - GERMAN SUPLEX! GERMAN SUPLEX! GERMAN SUPLEX! And prettier than usual even. Benoit checks out the landscape and cuts da throat! Benoit starts to head up and shakes his head. He heads back - RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX! Now it's OVER! Benoit up top for real this time - flying headbutt misses! The crowd is way into this match and you can't help but love the way the audience they have left is taking to the style change. Assumedly it makes a case that good wrestling is timeless. But whatever, I'd rather not get all philosophical, So-crates. Both down, Michaels rolls over and pins - 1, 2, shoulder up. Michaels goes up, but Benoit cuts him off with rights. Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Kick! Kick! Kick! Benoit is destroying him and Michaels is off the buckles. Michaels on the apron and absorbing several forearms. Benoit tries a suplex, Michaels blocks. Benoit punishes him some more, Michaels blocks again and REVERSES! Benoit hits the floor! Michaels up top - no - MOONSAULT PRESS! Holy crap. Slow-motion replay. Michaels tries to get back in, but Benoit is up and pulls Shawn's pants down. Michaels reverses a whip and Benoit hits the ringpost. Michaels is back in. "Ben Wah" chant. Benoit is busted open. We have to go to our last commercial break (09'57" - 15'07" aired so far)
Commercials: MXC, Clearasil (4), YJ Stinger (2), Hitman: Contracts (2), Castrol GTX (4), Snickers (4), Boost Mobile (2), SpikeTV bumper
We're back and Michaels has the sleeperhold locked in. Benoit is bleeding from his face and counters with a back suplex to a few boos. Michaels is up first and hits a shitty dropkick off the ropes. Cover, 2, shoulder up! Michaels is getting a little frustrated. Oh SHIT - the teardrop suplex! Cover, 2, shoulder up again. Benoit with a German with a bridge - 1, 2, kickout! I haven't seen a German with a bridge in some time. But seriously, the teardrop suplex? This match is awesome. Trade of chops. Benoit wins. Off the ropes, Michaels catches the boot, heel trip, and he has the liontamer! It's better than Jericho's! Benoit gets the ropes, Michaels drops an elbow into the small of the back. In the corner, chop, chop, Benoit flees. Corner whip is reversed and Michaels flips in the corner. CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! Michaels gets the rope with his feet, Benoit breaks. But he's a wolverine! He's pitbull-like! He goes back to it! Michaels gets the ropes again. Benoit up, superkick is blocked, heel trip, sharpshooter, Michaels gets the ropes before Benoit can get it on. Flapjack thing with the held ropes, Michaels kicks Benoit away on another sharpshooter attempt, and Mike Chioda is bumped. Well boo. Michaels struggles up, waiting for Benoit, and he appears to be getting impatient. Both men up - SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Both down again, Michaels crawls over to pin but here's Triple H! Pedigree on Michaels. HHH jumps into the crowd to observe the rest of the match. Chioda and Benoit are starting to stir. Benoit crawls over and drapes the arm - 1, 2, 3. (07'21" - 22'28" aired in all) "Triple H is a no-good son of a bitch is what he is." Preach it, JR. Pre-ref bump, that was the best match I've seen this year. In my opinion. For what it's worth.
Goodnight from Raw!